Class of September 2016 Part 3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Tired, stressed and scared...
5:30 am and all I want to do is sleep until I feel rested. I was up at 3:30, 4:30 and then 5 and finally decided to just get up. I have so much on my mind and am hoping I can share it with all of you to maybe get some input and encouragement.
I want to first share with you why I am determined to get sober this time around. As most of you know, my marriage has been on the rocks for the last several years (only been married for 5.) Our recent fights have revolved a lot around him lying about drinking, and continuously driving while drunk with our kids in the car- basically he would go to work "meetings" where they would consume beer, then he would leave and want to continue the buzz so he would grab a single beer from the gas station on the way to get the kids from school, drink it and then pick them up. It took me a while and some snooping to figure this out but he finally fessed up to it after lying several times to my face.
We would talk about it days later and he would say that he would stop doing it.
Fast forward to 2 weekends ago- I spend Saturday running errands with our toddler and he took our older son to the neighborhood pool, with beers in tow. We would do this together- drink beers at the pool so I am not saying I am any better in that regard. But after finishing his beers he felt the need for more and drove with our son to the gas station to get more, then drove around the neighborhood to get him to sleep all while drinking two, 9% beers, while driving. This was the same afternoon that only several ours before he came home, I decided to stop drinking and poured my beer down the sink.
He gets home and he's wasted, I find receipts for the beer and realize what has happened and confronted him in the kitchen. He said that the life we are living is "********" and I said it doesn't give him an excuse to be a drunk (pot calling the kettle black, I know.) He laughed at me for saying that since I am also a drunk and I said, "I said I know I have my problems with drinking too but at least I have been asking you for support and trying to get help about it all year." He turned to me with the gesture of a "high five" with the most condescending and awful, hateful look I have ever seen and I pushed him away from me and told him I 'effin hated him.
I left shaking and called one of my best friends for support. I resolved at that moment to never, ever drink again. I realized that this was one step closer to divorce and if there was any chance in the world that that was going to happen, I had to be damn sure I was sober when the time came because god knows how ugly it would get. I've seen his bad side now and don't trust him. I wanted to be able to say that I have been sober for a year at least and if he was still drinking and driving, I needed to be able to show that I was a much healthier parent than he was.
So, that brings us to yesterday. We are both sober since that Sunday, 12 days ago. He doesn't think he has a "problem" but knows that drinking doesn't help our situation and is stopping for now (not for good.)
Thank you for hanging in there- here is what I am getting to:
We had our first couple's counseling yesterday and this all came up. After I told her the story she informed us that she is mandated to report the event to the Dept. of Child Services. We both turned white and stopped talking- needed more clarification. My husband checked out after that point and was not engaged in therapy anymore and now all hell has broken loose. He is pissed at her, says he can't trust her and is of course nervous about possibly getting a call from DCS (she said they may or may not call.)
He says he is going to lie about it and although he didn't come out and say it to me, I know he expects me to do the same.
This is the last thing we needed. I know everything happens for a reason and that in the end a phone call is much better than an arrest or God forbid, an accident but I didn't realize this was going to happen to us by sharing that story with her. He has had trouble with the law in the past (when he was 21/22- he's 38 now) and I believe this is triggering his anxiety from what he went through back then.
I don't know what to do. I know until he gets a call he is going to be a wreck and make all our lives miserable (he does not handle stress very well.) I feel guilty and as if it's my fault but that is my own issue- he isn't trying to make me feel that way.
I am just at a loss here. We went to her for help, with more stress already than 2 people can handle and now we have to add this to the mix. On top of that I don't see how therapy with her is going to work moving forward if he feels he can't be open and honest.
Thank you if you read through this- I am numb, nervous, kind of all over the place.
Today our older son turns 5- I am going to try to focus on that and how amazing he is, and how much he has grown. The day I gave birth to him was the happiest day of my life and I will never forget that feeling. I just need to get through all of this chaos- thank heavens I am dealing with it sober.
I want to first share with you why I am determined to get sober this time around. As most of you know, my marriage has been on the rocks for the last several years (only been married for 5.) Our recent fights have revolved a lot around him lying about drinking, and continuously driving while drunk with our kids in the car- basically he would go to work "meetings" where they would consume beer, then he would leave and want to continue the buzz so he would grab a single beer from the gas station on the way to get the kids from school, drink it and then pick them up. It took me a while and some snooping to figure this out but he finally fessed up to it after lying several times to my face.
We would talk about it days later and he would say that he would stop doing it.
Fast forward to 2 weekends ago- I spend Saturday running errands with our toddler and he took our older son to the neighborhood pool, with beers in tow. We would do this together- drink beers at the pool so I am not saying I am any better in that regard. But after finishing his beers he felt the need for more and drove with our son to the gas station to get more, then drove around the neighborhood to get him to sleep all while drinking two, 9% beers, while driving. This was the same afternoon that only several ours before he came home, I decided to stop drinking and poured my beer down the sink.
He gets home and he's wasted, I find receipts for the beer and realize what has happened and confronted him in the kitchen. He said that the life we are living is "********" and I said it doesn't give him an excuse to be a drunk (pot calling the kettle black, I know.) He laughed at me for saying that since I am also a drunk and I said, "I said I know I have my problems with drinking too but at least I have been asking you for support and trying to get help about it all year." He turned to me with the gesture of a "high five" with the most condescending and awful, hateful look I have ever seen and I pushed him away from me and told him I 'effin hated him.
I left shaking and called one of my best friends for support. I resolved at that moment to never, ever drink again. I realized that this was one step closer to divorce and if there was any chance in the world that that was going to happen, I had to be damn sure I was sober when the time came because god knows how ugly it would get. I've seen his bad side now and don't trust him. I wanted to be able to say that I have been sober for a year at least and if he was still drinking and driving, I needed to be able to show that I was a much healthier parent than he was.
So, that brings us to yesterday. We are both sober since that Sunday, 12 days ago. He doesn't think he has a "problem" but knows that drinking doesn't help our situation and is stopping for now (not for good.)
Thank you for hanging in there- here is what I am getting to:
We had our first couple's counseling yesterday and this all came up. After I told her the story she informed us that she is mandated to report the event to the Dept. of Child Services. We both turned white and stopped talking- needed more clarification. My husband checked out after that point and was not engaged in therapy anymore and now all hell has broken loose. He is pissed at her, says he can't trust her and is of course nervous about possibly getting a call from DCS (she said they may or may not call.)
He says he is going to lie about it and although he didn't come out and say it to me, I know he expects me to do the same.
This is the last thing we needed. I know everything happens for a reason and that in the end a phone call is much better than an arrest or God forbid, an accident but I didn't realize this was going to happen to us by sharing that story with her. He has had trouble with the law in the past (when he was 21/22- he's 38 now) and I believe this is triggering his anxiety from what he went through back then.
I don't know what to do. I know until he gets a call he is going to be a wreck and make all our lives miserable (he does not handle stress very well.) I feel guilty and as if it's my fault but that is my own issue- he isn't trying to make me feel that way.
I am just at a loss here. We went to her for help, with more stress already than 2 people can handle and now we have to add this to the mix. On top of that I don't see how therapy with her is going to work moving forward if he feels he can't be open and honest.
Thank you if you read through this- I am numb, nervous, kind of all over the place.
Today our older son turns 5- I am going to try to focus on that and how amazing he is, and how much he has grown. The day I gave birth to him was the happiest day of my life and I will never forget that feeling. I just need to get through all of this chaos- thank heavens I am dealing with it sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by Windancer 
I'M SO IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF I MUST SHARE.
I just made a phone call to talk to someone because I wanted to. I used to have to be drunk to talk to people. And come to think of it, I'm starting to enjoy my music sober again. I used to only listen to my music when hammered.
wooHOO and yay for me.
I just made a phone call to talk to someone because I wanted to. I used to have to be drunk to talk to people. And come to think of it, I'm starting to enjoy my music sober again. I used to only listen to my music when hammered.
wooHOO and yay for me.
to you.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Originally Posted by Sunflowerlife
5:30 am and all I want to do is sleep until I feel rested. I was up at 3:30, 4:30 and then 5 and finally decided to just get up. I have so much on my mind and am hoping I can share it with all of you to maybe get some input and encouragement.
(((snip)))
(((snip)))
Without going into all the gory details I was once in a situation similar to yours. It is very scary to have any kind of mandated services imposed on you. However, if you think about it, your children's welfare is at the very top of your priorities. Having social supports in place can help. They are mandated to do what is in the best interest of the child. If you are able to show that you have a little sober time and have a plan to continue down that path you may find them supportive. I don't imagine they want to take children away and have to go through finding another home for them if they don't need to. You may need to do a more formal program such as AA to show your progress. And they will likely become very involved in your lives.
This brings us to your husband. If he continues putting the children at risk they can remove the children. It is up to you and forces your hand. If he drives again with them after drinking YOU will be the one to lose them. You are expected to protect them from that type of situation. So this forces you to make a stand. Where sometimes we are afraid or reluctant to take a stand for ourselves (for many legitimate reasons I may add) we will do whatever it takes for our children. To be clear - your priority needs to be protecting your children from harm over protecting his reputation as a drink driver.
It can be so difficult to wrap our heads around having to do everything ourselves. If he can't be trusted to not pick them up sober then you need to make other arrangements for their transportation. If he is unable to keep to a plan that keeps the children safe it may make other decisions more clear for you. In my case my life was no more difficult after my marriage ended because by that time I was doing everything myself anyway. I asked myself why did I need him in my life and as it turned out I didn't. I also made the decision that I wasn't going to continue to raise my children in that environment of horrible name calling and verbal abuse (there was also physical abuse but I *thought* the children weren't aware of that - I was wrong).
I understand feeling hypocritical about challenging his drinking when you have been sober for five minutes. Look at it another way. You have made a personal commitment to keep the children safe and it doesn't matter how long it's been. You say you were both drinking together while driving the children before, but you now recognize that you were both wrong. If he tries to throw that at you you then acknowledge that - WE were wrong and WE need to put their safety first! You will fight for them and if that means challenging his drinking and driving with them you will and you have every moral authority to do so regardless of what he says. I am hoping that if social services does get involved that they are able to hook you up with any support programs that you need. In my case I attended parenting classes that they recommended (husband refused to go). I had home visits to check on things and even though that was very scary at first I ended up feeling very supported as they recognized that I was doing everything possible to be the best parent I could be.
I understand things are overwhelming. They probably will be for some time. But you have what it takes inside you to move forward.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Good morning folks! So many of you doing so well in spite of challenging circumstances. Makes me feel wimpy for giving in the other day. Oh well - day 2 here and feeling strong. Ok, a little beat up and bruised from missing the last step going down the stairs the other day but strong LOL
I got quite a bit accomplished last night emptying boxes and putting things away. I still have lots to do in that regard so I am back at it today. My city called a state of emergency because of flooding yesterday and so many folks have flooded basements. I am so grateful that it didn't affect me as I am still getting things sorted from a broken water line flood. Whew!
I am also going to plan a nice dinner (don't know what yet but something fabulous for sure!) because I know not eating properly led to HALT the other day (actually I probably ticked all four of those letters).
Have a great Friday everyone
I got quite a bit accomplished last night emptying boxes and putting things away. I still have lots to do in that regard so I am back at it today. My city called a state of emergency because of flooding yesterday and so many folks have flooded basements. I am so grateful that it didn't affect me as I am still getting things sorted from a broken water line flood. Whew!
I am also going to plan a nice dinner (don't know what yet but something fabulous for sure!) because I know not eating properly led to HALT the other day (actually I probably ticked all four of those letters).
Have a great Friday everyone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Awe Sunflowerlife. That's a lot to deal with 
. I'm sorry you are going through this. But you are sober and that is a great start to dealing with all of it!
I just woke up. Only slept in a little today haha. It's another busy day getting ready for the stall and run-in structure. Gravel is coming today I think. This is starting to feel real! Horses will be here soon.
I hope I can get to a meeting tonight. I think I need it. I don't drive (DUI) and I live in the country so making it to meetings can be tough. But so far I've been managing fairly with ... with a lot of help from other AA members.
Hope everyone has a sober day.
. I'm sorry you are going through this. But you are sober and that is a great start to dealing with all of it!I just woke up. Only slept in a little today haha. It's another busy day getting ready for the stall and run-in structure. Gravel is coming today I think. This is starting to feel real! Horses will be here soon.
I hope I can get to a meeting tonight. I think I need it. I don't drive (DUI) and I live in the country so making it to meetings can be tough. But so far I've been managing fairly with ... with a lot of help from other AA members.
Hope everyone has a sober day.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi sunflower, that is a lot to deal with. I agree with everything Helen says. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. The most important thing is going forward and your children's welfare. If you know your husband if driving drunk then as Helen says you must make alternative arrangements for your children and not let him drive them.
CPS will get involved as they have been told that children are at risk - and they are at risk if they are being driven around drunk.
All you can do is protect your children and keep them safe by staying sober yourself and not allowing your husband to take care of them. Helen is right - if YOU do not protect them from your husband they will be taken from you. It is harsh but true.
Helen-you sound more upbeat today. Sorting through stuff helps doesn't it
Great you can get lifts to meetings windancer -AA people are a good bunch.
CPS will get involved as they have been told that children are at risk - and they are at risk if they are being driven around drunk.
All you can do is protect your children and keep them safe by staying sober yourself and not allowing your husband to take care of them. Helen is right - if YOU do not protect them from your husband they will be taken from you. It is harsh but true.
Helen-you sound more upbeat today. Sorting through stuff helps doesn't it
Great you can get lifts to meetings windancer -AA people are a good bunch.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by HelenofTroy
(((hugs))) First let me say that you will get through this. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but this could be a really good thing for your situation. Professionals have a mandate that they have to report if they believe a child may be at risk. That is the law...
I understand things are overwhelming. They probably will be for some time. But you have what it takes inside you to move forward.
I understand things are overwhelming. They probably will be for some time. But you have what it takes inside you to move forward.
The problem is he never tells me when he is drinking- he would just show up drunk after picking them up. I do know if it ever happened again I would leave him- no questions asked.
I honestly don't see him doing it again- not after this. Then again, he got 2 DUIS when he was young and they happened within a year of each other so I'm not sure fear even works on him.
I'm just overwhelmed with all of this.
Thanks again for the support...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
Hi sunflower, that is a lot to deal with. I agree with everything Helen says. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. The most important thing is going forward and your children's welfare. If you know your husband if driving drunk then as Helen says you must make alternative arrangements for your children and not let him drive them.
CPS will get involved as they have been told that children are at risk - and they are at risk if they are being driven around drunk.
All you can do is protect your children and keep them safe by staying sober yourself and not allowing your husband to take care of them. Helen is right - if YOU do not protect them from your husband they will be taken from you. It is harsh but true.
Helen-you sound more upbeat today. Sorting through stuff helps doesn't it
Great you can get lifts to meetings windancer -AA people are a good bunch.
CPS will get involved as they have been told that children are at risk - and they are at risk if they are being driven around drunk.
All you can do is protect your children and keep them safe by staying sober yourself and not allowing your husband to take care of them. Helen is right - if YOU do not protect them from your husband they will be taken from you. It is harsh but true.
Helen-you sound more upbeat today. Sorting through stuff helps doesn't it
Great you can get lifts to meetings windancer -AA people are a good bunch.
I don't believe he is an alcoholic but only time will tell. I wish I had the answers or a glimpse into the future. i just want to know that this is all going to be okay..
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Sunflowerlife
Thank you- this is very scary as I did not know I would be responsible if HE did it again..
You're not responsible for his actions, just looking after the children, if that makes sense. i hope you can sort it out x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 48
well last night went just as i thought it would. the bf called on his way home asking if i wanted him to pick me up a bottle of wine. i said no, he asked a few times if i was sure, again i said i'm sure, no wine for me. he said he would be home in 20mins....he showed up 2hrs later...
i was good with that though because it just meant that i didn't have to deal with him. i bathed the kids, we read some books, we picked outfits for picture day today, i made myself a cup of tea and we watched a show. a very nice evening.
and now the bbq lunch - i can already smell the steaks cooking on the grille!! i can hear the beers poping and someone is looking for a cork screw. i just keep thinking about how f'n good that steak and salad is going to taste!!
i was good with that though because it just meant that i didn't have to deal with him. i bathed the kids, we read some books, we picked outfits for picture day today, i made myself a cup of tea and we watched a show. a very nice evening.
and now the bbq lunch - i can already smell the steaks cooking on the grille!! i can hear the beers poping and someone is looking for a cork screw. i just keep thinking about how f'n good that steak and salad is going to taste!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by MyLoves
well last night went just as i thought it would. the bf called on his way home asking if i wanted him to pick me up a bottle of wine. i said no, he asked a few times if i was sure, again i said i'm sure, no wine for me. he said he would be home in 20mins....he showed up 2hrs later...
i was good with that though because it just meant that i didn't have to deal with him. i bathed the kids, we read some books, we picked outfits for picture day today, i made myself a cup of tea and we watched a show. a very nice evening.
and now the bbq lunch - i can already smell the steaks cooking on the grille!! i can hear the beers poping and someone is looking for a cork screw. i just keep thinking about how f'n good that steak and salad is going to taste!!
i was good with that though because it just meant that i didn't have to deal with him. i bathed the kids, we read some books, we picked outfits for picture day today, i made myself a cup of tea and we watched a show. a very nice evening.
and now the bbq lunch - i can already smell the steaks cooking on the grille!! i can hear the beers poping and someone is looking for a cork screw. i just keep thinking about how f'n good that steak and salad is going to taste!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 48
Windancer thanks for that. i'm sure on a different day my resolve wouldn't be what it is. BUT i have my babies to look forward to picking up. if i didn't have to pick them up from daycare i'm sure it would be a different story.
right now most of the office people are out back sociallzing and drinking - i know i couldn't handle that. so i'm sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch to be ready!!
right now most of the office people are out back sociallzing and drinking - i know i couldn't handle that. so i'm sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch to be ready!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 1,356
Happy Friday all! Heading out to a meeting in a bit just to get out and be around people like myself. I hope everyone has a great day and stay close this weekend! We'll be graduating to the daily support category don't forget. Day 24.
Day 24.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
It has been a busy day ... I can't believe it's almost dinner time already. But I still have time for SR. I don't know what I'd do without it and you guys.
I am having trouble letting go of the legal issues I am currently in. It is scaring the living daylights out of me. I have 3 charges, and in the past I have pleaded guilty to charges very quickly ... because I was. But this time it truly isn't true what my ex is saying happened one night. But I am a drunk and have no credibility. It is either going to trial which scares the crap out of me, or I am going to try for a mental diversion defence. That option is really the best because it would be the most just and fair outcome in these circumstances. The emotional and mental (and, some physical) abuse I endured leading up to this event was nothing short of torture. I begged and pleaded with my ex to stop being so cruel because he was pushing me into breaking and strong suicidal thoughts. I told me friends I felt like I was going to break apart and something terrible was going to happen ... and it terrified me but did not know how to stop it. For months I remained in the top of the farmhouse literally shaking and crying all day ... too scared to move or do anything. My Mom was worried sick. I guess in a way I am very thankful nothing worse happened and I came out of that situation alive. I was so close to suicide it was scary...and he just kept hurting me as much as he possibly could. I hate alcohol! Oh the trouble it has gotten me into. And it makes it appear as if I am the crazy ex spouse, and that my ex is innocent and never did anything wrong or hurtful and that picture is NOT an accurate portrayal at all. At least I have my mother, psychologist and doctor to totally back what I am saying about this. They are witnesses to my side of things. But I don't want to go through this Court stuff....my nerves are shot and I am so frightened that it will scare and traumatize me so badly again that all my self-help efforts will be wasted because I'll lose my mind and end up in some sort of institution. And if that happens, I am truly concerned for my state of mind when I come out.
I know, I know. I am getting way too far ahead of myself here. I am just so worried. If anyone is willing to pray or send love and Light I sure could use it if anyone has any to spare
I am having trouble letting go of the legal issues I am currently in. It is scaring the living daylights out of me. I have 3 charges, and in the past I have pleaded guilty to charges very quickly ... because I was. But this time it truly isn't true what my ex is saying happened one night. But I am a drunk and have no credibility. It is either going to trial which scares the crap out of me, or I am going to try for a mental diversion defence. That option is really the best because it would be the most just and fair outcome in these circumstances. The emotional and mental (and, some physical) abuse I endured leading up to this event was nothing short of torture. I begged and pleaded with my ex to stop being so cruel because he was pushing me into breaking and strong suicidal thoughts. I told me friends I felt like I was going to break apart and something terrible was going to happen ... and it terrified me but did not know how to stop it. For months I remained in the top of the farmhouse literally shaking and crying all day ... too scared to move or do anything. My Mom was worried sick. I guess in a way I am very thankful nothing worse happened and I came out of that situation alive. I was so close to suicide it was scary...and he just kept hurting me as much as he possibly could. I hate alcohol! Oh the trouble it has gotten me into. And it makes it appear as if I am the crazy ex spouse, and that my ex is innocent and never did anything wrong or hurtful and that picture is NOT an accurate portrayal at all. At least I have my mother, psychologist and doctor to totally back what I am saying about this. They are witnesses to my side of things. But I don't want to go through this Court stuff....my nerves are shot and I am so frightened that it will scare and traumatize me so badly again that all my self-help efforts will be wasted because I'll lose my mind and end up in some sort of institution. And if that happens, I am truly concerned for my state of mind when I come out.
I know, I know. I am getting way too far ahead of myself here. I am just so worried. If anyone is willing to pray or send love and Light I sure could use it if anyone has any to spare
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Just to clarify. I do not have a huge list on convictions. I have just gotten into trouble a few times in the last few years due to alcohol. The big ones were two DUI's. I thank the Creator everyday that justice was served and I was caught for those because even though I am totally against drinking and driving I was CLEARLY out of control. I would much rather deal with charges than kill an innocent family of four. I still suffer the immense shame and guilt about it though. I swore on my soul I would not drive again until I was 120% sure that I would never, ever drive under the influence ever again.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
I see so many of my September sisters struggling with such challenging situations. Sending virtual hugs to SunflowerLife, MyLoves and Windancer. Wishing you all the conviction to draw on your inner strength.
CAGY you are rocking! So glad to see how well you are doing. Wow - graduation! I feel like such a grown-up lol
CAGY you are rocking! So glad to see how well you are doing. Wow - graduation! I feel like such a grown-up lol
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