It has been a busy day ... I can't believe it's almost dinner time already. But I still have time for SR. I don't know what I'd do without it and you guys.
I am having trouble letting go of the legal issues I am currently in. It is scaring the living daylights out of me. I have 3 charges, and in the past I have pleaded guilty to charges very quickly ... because I was. But this time it truly isn't true what my ex is saying happened one night. But I am a drunk and have no credibility. It is either going to trial which scares the crap out of me, or I am going to try for a mental diversion defence. That option is really the best because it would be the most just and fair outcome in these circumstances. The emotional and mental (and, some physical) abuse I endured leading up to this event was nothing short of torture. I begged and pleaded with my ex to stop being so cruel because he was pushing me into breaking and strong suicidal thoughts. I told me friends I felt like I was going to break apart and something terrible was going to happen ... and it terrified me but did not know how to stop it. For months I remained in the top of the farmhouse literally shaking and crying all day ... too scared to move or do anything. My Mom was worried sick. I guess in a way I am very thankful nothing worse happened and I came out of that situation alive. I was so close to suicide it was scary...and he just kept hurting me as much as he possibly could. I hate alcohol! Oh the trouble it has gotten me into. And it makes it appear as if I am the crazy ex spouse, and that my ex is innocent and never did anything wrong or hurtful and that picture is NOT an accurate portrayal at all. At least I have my mother, psychologist and doctor to totally back what I am saying about this. They are witnesses to my side of things. But I don't want to go through this Court stuff....my nerves are shot and I am so frightened that it will scare and traumatize me so badly again that all my self-help efforts will be wasted because I'll lose my mind and end up in some sort of institution. And if that happens, I am truly concerned for my state of mind when I come out.
I know, I know. I am getting way too far ahead of myself here. I am just so worried. If anyone is willing to pray or send love and Light I sure could use it if anyone has any to spare
