Class of September 2016 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 17. No cravings to talk about, no wish to drink. It's the third weekend now and they're becoming 'not working days' and not 'trying to remember what I did, shaking and sweating in bed, hoping what I did wasn't too bad - days'.
The following is intentionally written in a harsh manner. I don't want anyone to get offended, so if it's too bad, please just don't read it. I'm actually writing this to myself.
Remembered something from a book, I think it was Alan Carr's Easy Way to stop smoking (or a video about that book, something of the sorts) - somewhere in there he asks the question "If you knew that the next cigarette you're going to smoke will be the one that pops the vein or unleashes cancer - would you smoke it?"
And I thought about that for a while today. It's no different with drinking, really. It's just that the grip of addiction is strong and we delude ourselves with the likes of 'one isn't going to hurt me' - what if you knew for a fact, an infallible truth, that the next beer or shot or cocktail will be the one that makes you .... I don't know.... drive drunk and kill someone? Cause your marriage/relationship to crash and burn? Choke on your own vomit? Get badly beaten up outside a bar because you couldn't hold your tongue? Lose custody of your children? Drive your family away for good? Get you fired? Get you expelled? Make you cause such a horrible scene at a social gathering that, not only will none of those people ever invite you to their get-togethers, but moving to another country actually starts looking like the only option? Or quite possibly the worst - make you lose You to a darkness from which people don't return?
And still, we pick up. Because we know there's a 99.9% chance, given our track record, that none of that will happen. We'll survive - yes, it's bad, but it's not that bad ... not yet, at least.
I myself have to admit to abusing the trust, support and goodwill of others. It was the drink that drove me to it, but I'm still the one accountable. It's that spot where you just have to stop 'hoping you'll be okay' and start 'being okay', one minute at a time or whatever it takes. I am a student, so an easy example can be brought from 'writing a thesis' - you read books, articles, your own notes (support); talk to supervisors and other students (support); maybe even get respite from some other duties (support); but in the end, if you don't put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard, the thesis is not happening.
It's totally useless to 'hope' that your thesis or paper will get written without you writing it - no matter how much support you have.
I'm slowly growing into the notion of taking responsibility for my actions. Too tired of looking down at the ground, tail between my legs, muttering 'sorry' for the one millionth time without actually meaning it. And 'hoping' that I won't drink again or that the next time will be somehow better or different without changing anything about the effort I put into it.
Sorry for the rant. But I needed to 'talk' to myself out loud. Make myself get it.
The following is intentionally written in a harsh manner. I don't want anyone to get offended, so if it's too bad, please just don't read it. I'm actually writing this to myself.
Remembered something from a book, I think it was Alan Carr's Easy Way to stop smoking (or a video about that book, something of the sorts) - somewhere in there he asks the question "If you knew that the next cigarette you're going to smoke will be the one that pops the vein or unleashes cancer - would you smoke it?"
And I thought about that for a while today. It's no different with drinking, really. It's just that the grip of addiction is strong and we delude ourselves with the likes of 'one isn't going to hurt me' - what if you knew for a fact, an infallible truth, that the next beer or shot or cocktail will be the one that makes you .... I don't know.... drive drunk and kill someone? Cause your marriage/relationship to crash and burn? Choke on your own vomit? Get badly beaten up outside a bar because you couldn't hold your tongue? Lose custody of your children? Drive your family away for good? Get you fired? Get you expelled? Make you cause such a horrible scene at a social gathering that, not only will none of those people ever invite you to their get-togethers, but moving to another country actually starts looking like the only option? Or quite possibly the worst - make you lose You to a darkness from which people don't return?
And still, we pick up. Because we know there's a 99.9% chance, given our track record, that none of that will happen. We'll survive - yes, it's bad, but it's not that bad ... not yet, at least.
I myself have to admit to abusing the trust, support and goodwill of others. It was the drink that drove me to it, but I'm still the one accountable. It's that spot where you just have to stop 'hoping you'll be okay' and start 'being okay', one minute at a time or whatever it takes. I am a student, so an easy example can be brought from 'writing a thesis' - you read books, articles, your own notes (support); talk to supervisors and other students (support); maybe even get respite from some other duties (support); but in the end, if you don't put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard, the thesis is not happening.
It's totally useless to 'hope' that your thesis or paper will get written without you writing it - no matter how much support you have.
I'm slowly growing into the notion of taking responsibility for my actions. Too tired of looking down at the ground, tail between my legs, muttering 'sorry' for the one millionth time without actually meaning it. And 'hoping' that I won't drink again or that the next time will be somehow better or different without changing anything about the effort I put into it.
Sorry for the rant. But I needed to 'talk' to myself out loud. Make myself get it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Only one thing can pick me up.
do you know that for sure Horatio? What other things have you tried?
Exercise helps lift my mood, or a funny movie, time with friends and loved ones, a good meal, a lie down with a good book, even a little sneaky chocolate can elevate my mood.
Your AV wants you to think there's only one solution but..that's simply not true
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Hello September group. I'm back on SR for round three and ready for this to be my last group. Third time's a charm, right? It has to be. I can't do this anymore. There are a million and one reasons I need to stop today and I wish I could list them all but maybe they don't even matter.
I am done.
I am tired.
I deserve so much more than this.
I poured my last beer down the drain around 2:30 this afternoon. I even returned a bottle of vodka to the liquor store. God help me, this has got to be my last attempt.
It's 9:15 pm and I cannot wait to wake up to a new, sober day tomorrow. I deserve it.
I am done.
I am tired.
I deserve so much more than this.
I poured my last beer down the drain around 2:30 this afternoon. I even returned a bottle of vodka to the liquor store. God help me, this has got to be my last attempt.
It's 9:15 pm and I cannot wait to wake up to a new, sober day tomorrow. I deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 55
Checking in. Had a very productive, wonderful day. Spent all day outside, a lot of it in the forest. I love the fall soooo much. The colors and the smells. I have always had a deep connection with the forest (forestry tech was an earlier career). It's exactly what I needed today. Had no cravings and didn't even really think about it. Just enjoyed life today and all the beauty in and around me. Hope everyone had a great day, being alive is truly a blessing. I'm ready to live it to the fullest, happy and sober.
Day 15 check.
Day 15 check.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Wow. I had a huge hankering for a glass of wine tonight. It really took me by surprise because I have been doing really well.
Mr. Troy and I had been working hard around the house today and I was feeling really good about what we got accomplished. So that triggered the reward drinking thinking. Then I started to cook us a nice meal, another trigger for me. I was cooking some nice breaded pork chops and was thinking about how a nice wine gravy would go with it but I knew that if I opened a bottle of wine for the gravy there is no way I wouldn't have a glass. As I stood there talking myself down off the ledge I remembered I had apple juice in the fridge that would be good in a pork gravy so I went with that instead. It scared me how determined my AV was to convince me that it wouldn't be a big deal to have a glass (or 5) of wine and that I deserved it.
Long story short I got past it. Whew! Ready to bring on day 13 tomorrow.
Mr. Troy and I had been working hard around the house today and I was feeling really good about what we got accomplished. So that triggered the reward drinking thinking. Then I started to cook us a nice meal, another trigger for me. I was cooking some nice breaded pork chops and was thinking about how a nice wine gravy would go with it but I knew that if I opened a bottle of wine for the gravy there is no way I wouldn't have a glass. As I stood there talking myself down off the ledge I remembered I had apple juice in the fridge that would be good in a pork gravy so I went with that instead. It scared me how determined my AV was to convince me that it wouldn't be a big deal to have a glass (or 5) of wine and that I deserved it.
Long story short I got past it. Whew! Ready to bring on day 13 tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by Dee74 
good for you sunflowerlife
Thanks Dee, good to be back
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Originally Posted by Sunflowerlife
Hello September group. I'm back on SR for round three and ready for this to be my last group. Third time's a charm, right? It has to be. I can't do this anymore. There are a million and one reasons I need to stop today and I wish I could list them all but maybe they don't even matter.
I am done.
I am tired.
I deserve so much more than this.
I poured my last beer down the drain around 2:30 this afternoon. I even returned a bottle of vodka to the liquor store. God help me, this has got to be my last attempt.
It's 9:15 pm and I cannot wait to wake up to a new, sober day tomorrow. I deserve it.
I am done.
I am tired.
I deserve so much more than this.
I poured my last beer down the drain around 2:30 this afternoon. I even returned a bottle of vodka to the liquor store. God help me, this has got to be my last attempt.
It's 9:15 pm and I cannot wait to wake up to a new, sober day tomorrow. I deserve it.
You are the reason I have been reading through the the September thread. I saw another one of your posts saying you were going to pop into this class.
I am so glad you are here, and I know you can do this. I'm proud of you for dumping those beers and returning the vodka. Message me anytime. Sending you lots of virtual hugs, and lots of love.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Bath
Posts: 47
I hope the weekend is treating people well. Over halfway through the month now....
For anyone struggling at the two week stage, hang on in. I'm on day 25 now and I'm sure I am getting more comfortable by the day. My mind is slowly starting to fire on more cylinders.
Someone posted a while back that the changes seem almost imperceptible at first. For me that has been the case but the changes are there, such as:
1. I no longer worry if I do not get enough sleep as I no longer need it. Sleep is generally a lot better now though.
2. Less anger/irritibilty over pretty much anything. Less but not totally eliminated. Stuff still winds me up, but for far less time than before.
3. Far less of a defeatist attitude. This is the best one.
I know that i could relapse at any point. I also know that just one little drink would lead to potentially weeks or months of drinking so I'll pass on drinking today.
For anyone struggling at the two week stage, hang on in. I'm on day 25 now and I'm sure I am getting more comfortable by the day. My mind is slowly starting to fire on more cylinders.
Someone posted a while back that the changes seem almost imperceptible at first. For me that has been the case but the changes are there, such as:
1. I no longer worry if I do not get enough sleep as I no longer need it. Sleep is generally a lot better now though.
2. Less anger/irritibilty over pretty much anything. Less but not totally eliminated. Stuff still winds me up, but for far less time than before.
3. Far less of a defeatist attitude. This is the best one.
I know that i could relapse at any point. I also know that just one little drink would lead to potentially weeks or months of drinking so I'll pass on drinking today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 68
Hi all, day 11 and still trucking! I know to some 11 days might not be a big deal, but I'm over my recent longest by 3 days already.
Kkik, I have read Alan Carr's book on alcohol, and can only assume it's similar to the smoking one. I have to say, he makes some really great points in his books. They weigh heavily on my mind alot too.
The part about it being essentially a poison really rings true to me, especially since I have a little bit of a background in chemistry. I know there are some that would disagree with that assessment, but I believe it whole heartedly. It serves no useful biological purpose. Even sitting and eating a bag of potato chips at least provides some energy, and when that energy passes, it hasn't left you crippled to recover, reevaluate, and find better sources of energy next time. (And, yes, I know food addictions can be just as hard to break, but nobody ever got arrested for eating too many ding dongs, kicked out of a bar because they couldn't put down the pretzels, or killed someone because they chugged a 2 liter coke and then decided to drive.) Alcohol poisons you physically when you drink it, and then continues to poison you mentally when you don't.
So why do we do it? Why did I do it, even knowing/believing what I wrote above? I'd say I don't know, but that feels like a cop-out. Probably the simplest answer is that godawful AV that just gets in your head and scrambles everything until it doesn't even feel like it's you inside there anymore.
I'm not good enough, I'm too good for this, I'm lonely and need people, I like being alone, I wish I could be better at my job, I hate my job, and so on, and on. Pretty soon, it gets so bad, drinking doesn't seem so much a solution as it does the mute button... it can all go away just if even for a night. Nevermind that it all comes roaring back with a vengeance the next day.
But, I think it was in Alan Carr's book too where I read a line that has struck a very deep chord with me. ( Jeez, you'd think I'd remember where it was from then) It went something like (and I'll probably do a bad job of paraphrasing), do you think sober people don't lose loved ones, or their jobs, or have rotten days? Do you think they don't get sick, have flat tires, or stub their toes? Bad things happen to people, every minute of every day. Once you realize that bad things are going to happen from time to time, but that it's alcohol that keeps you from growing, changing, learning, or healing, you'll begin to see where the real culprit lies... it's the alcohol. (Sorry, I hope I captured some of the spirit anyway)
Basically he's saying sober people have all the same problems, without the extra burden that alcohol imposes.
I've been trying very hard these past 11 days to keep that in mind. When something crappy happens, I try to remember that someone else has had this problem, and solved it, or at least survived it, without alcohol. There have been a couple of moments that has helped a little.
Sorry for the long post. I also write to myself in hopes that I will "get it" as well.
Good night for now. Good luck to those that are struggling tonight. Be strong and take care of yourselves please!
EH
Kkik, I have read Alan Carr's book on alcohol, and can only assume it's similar to the smoking one. I have to say, he makes some really great points in his books. They weigh heavily on my mind alot too.
The part about it being essentially a poison really rings true to me, especially since I have a little bit of a background in chemistry. I know there are some that would disagree with that assessment, but I believe it whole heartedly. It serves no useful biological purpose. Even sitting and eating a bag of potato chips at least provides some energy, and when that energy passes, it hasn't left you crippled to recover, reevaluate, and find better sources of energy next time. (And, yes, I know food addictions can be just as hard to break, but nobody ever got arrested for eating too many ding dongs, kicked out of a bar because they couldn't put down the pretzels, or killed someone because they chugged a 2 liter coke and then decided to drive.) Alcohol poisons you physically when you drink it, and then continues to poison you mentally when you don't.
So why do we do it? Why did I do it, even knowing/believing what I wrote above? I'd say I don't know, but that feels like a cop-out. Probably the simplest answer is that godawful AV that just gets in your head and scrambles everything until it doesn't even feel like it's you inside there anymore.
I'm not good enough, I'm too good for this, I'm lonely and need people, I like being alone, I wish I could be better at my job, I hate my job, and so on, and on. Pretty soon, it gets so bad, drinking doesn't seem so much a solution as it does the mute button... it can all go away just if even for a night. Nevermind that it all comes roaring back with a vengeance the next day.
But, I think it was in Alan Carr's book too where I read a line that has struck a very deep chord with me. ( Jeez, you'd think I'd remember where it was from then) It went something like (and I'll probably do a bad job of paraphrasing), do you think sober people don't lose loved ones, or their jobs, or have rotten days? Do you think they don't get sick, have flat tires, or stub their toes? Bad things happen to people, every minute of every day. Once you realize that bad things are going to happen from time to time, but that it's alcohol that keeps you from growing, changing, learning, or healing, you'll begin to see where the real culprit lies... it's the alcohol. (Sorry, I hope I captured some of the spirit anyway)
Basically he's saying sober people have all the same problems, without the extra burden that alcohol imposes.
I've been trying very hard these past 11 days to keep that in mind. When something crappy happens, I try to remember that someone else has had this problem, and solved it, or at least survived it, without alcohol. There have been a couple of moments that has helped a little.
Sorry for the long post. I also write to myself in hopes that I will "get it" as well.
Good night for now. Good luck to those that are struggling tonight. Be strong and take care of yourselves please!
EH
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Reality
Posts: 491
i went in a really bad bender for three days and missed two days of work. i have been sober for two days and went to two aa meetings. i ask God to please help me to stay sober this time my relapses are beyond scary now and i am tuly terrified
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 1,356
Day 11 passed and into day 12. It's 1230 am . Was a really busy day and never got a chance to check in. I did hit up a meeting this morning though. Going to try to add meetings to my plan this time. It really helps me get out of my head to be around other people like me. I rarely if ever talk but I always listen.
Welcome SFL!!! we were classmates in June or July together.
I'm off to bed now. Waking up sober on a Sunday and watching football will be amazing.
. Was a really busy day and never got a chance to check in. I did hit up a meeting this morning though. Going to try to add meetings to my plan this time. It really helps me get out of my head to be around other people like me. I rarely if ever talk but I always listen. Welcome SFL!!!
we were classmates in June or July together. I'm off to bed now. Waking up sober on a Sunday and watching football will be amazing.
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