Class of March 2016 Part 24
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Hi guys, I need to say something....to ALL of you....
I apologize for seeming so cold yesterday during the "dramatic event". I'm really not a cold or mean person at all. I deeply care about people who are hurting or suffering and would do anything to help them.
For some reason yesterday really triggered me and made me angry. It brought out painful memories and emotions from the past. Things my own mother did. I was helpless back then as a little girl. I laid in bed at night never knowing what to expect. I would hear screaming, bangs & crashes and things breaking. I was terrified.
I felt so scared as I watched my mother being wheeled out of our house on a stretcher and placed in an ambulance after a suicide attempt when I was about 12. I didn't understand what was going on as I watched out my bedroom window. It was terrifying. When she got out of the hospital, she blamed me. She said if I wasn't such a pain in her ass she never would have tried to kill herself. My spirit broke that day. I was never the same.
Every single day I walked on egg shells as a child. I never knew what was going to happen. She would punch me in the face & there would be blood everywhere. She would yank me down the stairs by my hair. She would tell me what a worthless piece of crap I was. She was a monster!
I have used alcohol to block out and numb these memories for so long because I can't bare to keep reliving them. There are so many more things that happened that I can't bring myself to write about right now for fear it will make me want to drink.
Yesterday opened some of my wounds. It hit a nerve & reminded me of my childhood. My defense mechanisms went up BIG time and "fight or flight" was ON! I had flash backs. I needed to protect myself. It's a miracle that I didn't drink.
If I hurt anyone with my words (that were deleted) I'm sorry. I need to know that SR is a safe place. Yesterday it did not feel safe. There was nothing I could do. Once again, I was a helpless "little girl".
I love ALL of you. I pray that we all heal. I know so many of us have been through lots of trauma and it's not fair but we are ALIVE! God has a purpose for our lives!
Have a blessed day.
I apologize for seeming so cold yesterday during the "dramatic event". I'm really not a cold or mean person at all. I deeply care about people who are hurting or suffering and would do anything to help them.
For some reason yesterday really triggered me and made me angry. It brought out painful memories and emotions from the past. Things my own mother did. I was helpless back then as a little girl. I laid in bed at night never knowing what to expect. I would hear screaming, bangs & crashes and things breaking. I was terrified.
I felt so scared as I watched my mother being wheeled out of our house on a stretcher and placed in an ambulance after a suicide attempt when I was about 12. I didn't understand what was going on as I watched out my bedroom window. It was terrifying. When she got out of the hospital, she blamed me. She said if I wasn't such a pain in her ass she never would have tried to kill herself. My spirit broke that day. I was never the same.
Every single day I walked on egg shells as a child. I never knew what was going to happen. She would punch me in the face & there would be blood everywhere. She would yank me down the stairs by my hair. She would tell me what a worthless piece of crap I was. She was a monster!
I have used alcohol to block out and numb these memories for so long because I can't bare to keep reliving them. There are so many more things that happened that I can't bring myself to write about right now for fear it will make me want to drink.
Yesterday opened some of my wounds. It hit a nerve & reminded me of my childhood. My defense mechanisms went up BIG time and "fight or flight" was ON! I had flash backs. I needed to protect myself. It's a miracle that I didn't drink.
If I hurt anyone with my words (that were deleted) I'm sorry. I need to know that SR is a safe place. Yesterday it did not feel safe. There was nothing I could do. Once again, I was a helpless "little girl".
I love ALL of you. I pray that we all heal. I know so many of us have been through lots of trauma and it's not fair but we are ALIVE! God has a purpose for our lives!
Have a blessed day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
No apologies necessary and you really helped the class with your questionnaire. That is your job now. Fun time!
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by Bobbieka 
No apologies necessary and you really helped the class with your questionnaire. That is your job now. Fun time!
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
Thank you for saying I'm strong and wonderful. I don't see it but it feels good when someone says it. Love you friend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 712
Originally Posted by Bobbieka
No apologies necessary and you really helped the class with your questionnaire. That is your job now. Fun time!
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
It breaks my heart what you had to endure as a little girl. Would like to hold that little girl and tell her she is going to grow up and be a strong, wonderful woman. You are and I am very happy our paths have crossed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 712
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Thank you Bobbie. I wish someone would have held me and told me everything was gonna be ok. I'm in tears. It's these FEELINGS that haunt me...the memories. I will not drink today! That thought has already crossed my mind today. Like right NOW! I'm gonna lay down and pray and try to sleep.
Thank you for saying I'm strong and wonderful. I don't see it but it feels good when someone says it. Love you friend.
And I'm ready for my homework assignment
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
Pelagic - welcome back!! You can do this!! I am back on day three but Kayak is right...it's better than day zero!
CH - I'm glad you slept well!! Sleep makes such a huge difference!
Kiki - you owe no apologies!! (anyways isn't that more of a Canadian thing?)
In all seriousness though I am sending huge hugs and lots of love your way today....our pasts suck but they do not define us!!
BBG - good morning!!
Bobbie - I hope you are having a great day!!
Well back to work!
CH - I'm glad you slept well!! Sleep makes such a huge difference!
Kiki - you owe no apologies!! (anyways isn't that more of a Canadian thing?)
In all seriousness though I am sending huge hugs and lots of love your way today....our pasts suck but they do not define us!!BBG - good morning!!
Bobbie - I hope you are having a great day!!
Well back to work!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by Kayak63sc
I guess I need to shut up I'm talking too much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by samantha14
Pelagic - welcome back!! You can do this!! I am back on day three but Kayak is right...it's better than day zero!
CH - I'm glad you slept well!! Sleep makes such a huge difference!
Kiki - you owe no apologies!! (anyways isn't that more of a Canadian thing?) In all seriousness though I am sending huge hugs and lots of love your way today....our pasts suck but they do not define us!!
BBG - good morning!!
Bobbie - I hope you are having a great day!!
Well back to work!
CH - I'm glad you slept well!! Sleep makes such a huge difference!
Kiki - you owe no apologies!! (anyways isn't that more of a Canadian thing?)
In all seriousness though I am sending huge hugs and lots of love your way today....our pasts suck but they do not define us!!BBG - good morning!!
Bobbie - I hope you are having a great day!!
Well back to work!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Glad you made it through the craving last night, CH. Learning to deal with feeling is the toughest part.
Good morning, BBG!
Pelagic, you should let us help you set up a plan. First few days are tough, but you know it gets better. There really are tools to help you sustain sobriety. You can do it.
Good morning, BBG!
Pelagic, you should let us help you set up a plan. First few days are tough, but you know it gets better. There really are tools to help you sustain sobriety. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 593
Thanks for all the welcome backs! My avatar will remain a dunce until day 42, one day more than my record to date since March.
That avatar reminds me of my youth. I spent about half my Kindergarten year standing in the corner playing with the pencil sharpener. Lol.
Stay strong everyone; withdrawal is no fun and I am never going through it again.
Kiki, Bobbieka said it better than I can. You are strong. You rock.
That avatar reminds me of my youth. I spent about half my Kindergarten year standing in the corner playing with the pencil sharpener. Lol.
Stay strong everyone; withdrawal is no fun and I am never going through it again.
Kiki, Bobbieka said it better than I can. You are strong. You rock.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Pelagic, I am reading Under the Influence and so are others here. I read "the Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book last night. It is remarkable how much they new in 1934, but didn't have the scientific facts to back it up. In Under the Influence, they back a lot of that up. Dude, we're just a bit off, but we're never off if we don't take that first drink. Simple, not easy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 593
Thanks, Bobbieka. I'm going to have to step up and get this to work. Rehab might be best. But I've got to find a way to come on SR and be accountable when the cravings strike. I give in way too easily.
I've never done anything as stupid as what I did to the car. Can't make a claim either really. I don't even know what happened or where. I didn't hurt anyone, but I could have hurt someone!! Absolutely inexcusable behavior. NO MORE!
I'll start UTI. We'll see if the brain is even up to the challenge today.
I've never done anything as stupid as what I did to the car. Can't make a claim either really. I don't even know what happened or where. I didn't hurt anyone, but I could have hurt someone!! Absolutely inexcusable behavior. NO MORE!
I'll start UTI. We'll see if the brain is even up to the challenge today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Day 44! Reading through yesterday's events it seems at least one of us needs our thoughts.
Welcome back pelagic! I'm sorry this was a rough one.
Good Job staying strong CH. I'm right there with you.
As for weight loss, I'm not losing pounds yet (grr) but I'm sliding back down my wardrobe. Of real importance to me, I was having trouble with my feet and ankles swelling. That seems to be getting better. Talk about time to quit drinking!
I have a therapy meeting at 10, might make a noon meeting. I'm supposed to go to my 530 meeting today but I don't know if I have the heart. My little group has become complicated and it's such a drain on my Friday night. Really I should be shopping for mother of the bride dresses full-time. If that wedding shows up but I don't have a dress, I'm in serious trouble.
Welcome back pelagic! I'm sorry this was a rough one.
Good Job staying strong CH. I'm right there with you.
As for weight loss, I'm not losing pounds yet (grr) but I'm sliding back down my wardrobe. Of real importance to me, I was having trouble with my feet and ankles swelling. That seems to be getting better. Talk about time to quit drinking!
I have a therapy meeting at 10, might make a noon meeting. I'm supposed to go to my 530 meeting today but I don't know if I have the heart. My little group has become complicated and it's such a drain on my Friday night. Really I should be shopping for mother of the bride dresses full-time. If that wedding shows up but I don't have a dress, I'm in serious trouble.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I want to remind everyone of the ignore feature available to every member.
Please use this option if you're triggered or simply want to avoid contact from any member. This applies to both the forums and PM's.
We have an excellent team here that volunteer many hours of their time to keep SR a safe and welcoming forum.
However, no one can be everywhere at once. We count on our members to do their part as well.
Thanks so much everyone!
Please use this option if you're triggered or simply want to avoid contact from any member. This applies to both the forums and PM's.
We have an excellent team here that volunteer many hours of their time to keep SR a safe and welcoming forum.
However, no one can be everywhere at once. We count on our members to do their part as well.
Thanks so much everyone!
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