Thumpalumpacus

Checking in -- things here are copacetic. In the middle of a long weekend, taking it easy, and happy AV is absent. Playing mucho guitar.

I start VA group therapy for substance abuse on Thursday ... I'm really looking forward to it. Though I'm more comfortable in my recovery now, I still get AV, and still get moments of beating myself up ... and I think I need to come to better grips with the underlying causes of my alcoholism. I'm hoping the group therapy will help in that regard.

For myself, alcohol made me more gregarious and open. Sobriety sees me returning to my younger personality of being quiet and letting others carry the conversation/socialization load. I'm okay with that. At least I'm not blurting out crap that inadvertently hurts the ones I love.

V and Jack and OT, hang in there.

Glee, congrats on 27 months ... what an inspiration.

Saskia

Hi all!

Babs, hope the sponsor thing works out. I think it can help a lot.

Amp, I'm not sure exactly how to put it but I think I get what you mean. Some of us missed some of our growing and exploring over the years and I think it doesn't come as naturally as it might have when we were "supposed" to be doing that kind of internal "work". I wonder if the length of time it takes us to get over some of this stuff is related to how much growing up we missed along the way.

OT and Glee, feel better soon!

Thumpa, good to hear from you! I hope you find the group therapy helpful. I've found therapy to be very helpful at several points over the years. Not a quick fix but helped me get/keep my head on relatively straight :-)

Thumpalumpacus

I was hoping to get individual therapy, but the VA doesn't really offer that without a clinical diagnosis of a mental disorder (aside from addiction, of course).

Soberwolf

Good morning

fantail

Amp, I relate a lot to what you're talking about. I have always tested exactly half and half Extrovert/Introvert on the Meyers Briggs (51% Extrovert actually). I could always see that I had both sides but I was far and away an extrovert as a drunk (or so I thought). In sobriety I really do see that the introvert side is just as strong as the extrovert side. I require and also enjoy a lot more time alone than I could even stand as a drinker. Especially towards the end when I really hated to be left alone at all.

Even beyond that I'm just a bit different with people. Like the other day I told a woman who cut me in line, "Hi, I was here before you" and took my spot back. Which is not something I'd normally do, but it came quite naturally and afterwards I was like hey! Look at that, I've got some confidence all of a sudden! In social settings I'm less hyper and animated than I was, but I'm also more confident and calmer it feels at the same time.

Socially I feel a little like I've just grown into my size or something... you know like teenage boys who don't realize where their arms end and sometimes knock things over. Like I'm still figuring out when and how I like to socialize as new me.

stargazer016

I'm definitely less extroverted not drinking. Having drank also for thirty plus years, I kind of assumed that personality. Not drinking, I am far more reserved and don't feel the need to put my voice into a conversation like I used to.

I am ok with that. It's just different from how I have been for so long.

tootsl1

Amp I can totally relate. I too used alcohol as a social lubricant. I am naturally shy and a loner, and yet once I get to know people I am gregarious and loud. I have always worked in customer based industries and have to talk confidently to complete strangers. Oddly I can do that easily, -sober- and yet make it social and I struggle. I still believe ( I too was bullied at school and also allowed to believe I was inadequate and always would be at home) that no one really wants to spend time with me, and am always surprised that the few friends I have actually care to have me in their lives. I am, and looking back to when I was a young child. Always was, more comfortable on my own with my imaginary friends. I don't seek company, yet in small groups of familiar faces I always enjoy myself.

Jack16

Checking in. Bad day yesterday but feeling calm this morning, and I slept well. So pretty positive all in all. Even if things go pear-shaped later on, that's OK, I will just let it come and feel it.

Sending good wishes to all of you.

OldTomato

Morning everyone!

I hope today goes better for you Jack.

Still feeling under the weather but my symptoms are a lot more manageable now. Just two more half days and then I have two days off, I got this!

Saskia

Jack, good for you for reaching one week sober! There will be bad days but none as bad as when we drink. The AV would like to convince us that alcohol will make us feel better but it never does because we can't stop when we have one. It takes much less effort to have none than to stop after one. Not always easy but certainly better.

Toots, I can so relate to what you said. In the last few years I have found, however, that the "real me" is catching up to the "fake me" in terms of being sociable - and I'm thoroughly enjoying that. There are still moments but they are less frequent now. I also used to feel inadequate at work although, always to my surprise, I discovered that others had a very different view of me. Now I am much more comfortable and my expectations and reality are merging. I'm finding this is wonderful time in my life!

waywardson8260

I have always been a quiet person and even socially awkward myself and this was what I initially liked about alcohol- It helped me fit in much better. I'm still pretty quiet and am not good at chatting things up all of the time but I do like who I am. There is so much more bad with alcohol than good and it never really did anything good for me.

gleefan

Amp - I've undergone a psychic shift in recovery, and although I wanted to make these changes I was discombobulated by them at first. My first year sober was an adjustment for how I felt about myself socially. Others were accustomed to me being quite gregarious and dominating the conversation, at least when I was drinking. I was quiet and pensive that first year, as I was going through all those changes. At a year sober I knew I was on the right path, but I felt like a shell of my former self!

I found that over the course of my second year sober, as I continued to change and grow in recovery, my depression eased. I regularly talk to others who got sober the same month as I did, and we have all seen a gradual revealing of our true selves over the course of the second year sober, and with that confidence on our new way of being in the world.

Booze gave me some bravado, but that is temporary. I'm grateful for the opportunity to build my confidence from scratch!

It's been an awkward process at times. I have a group of friends who I shyed away from a bit in early recovery but found my way back to. Truth is, they don't seem to know what to do with me when I'm not boozing or drugging with them. After I declined a pot brownie last Fall at a youth hockey tournament, I stopped hearing from everyone. I had also told a mom to tell her kid to stop mistreating mine. Maybe it was something else I can't think of? It shook my confidence to be left wondering why I was cut out. I have faith now. Maybe it wasn't a good fit for sober me? Maybe it was the universe doing for me what I wouldn't do for myself?

Thumpa - It's good to hear that you're continuing to move forward with the VA counseling. I found it beneficial to be able to discuss my challenges with others going through some of the same issues. I also think it's great that you're staying busy with the guitar!

Have a great day Undies!

Babs1234

hi guys ! I as a rule am a happy go lucky person. I have my down moments but more upper than down. It's a challenge some days --but, I try to shake the mood and move on. I hate being down and try to figure out why I'm so unhappy. To my surprise it's probably just me having a poor pity me mood.
Ok--I'm gong back to AA today so, I'll see what happens as far as my sponsor --I think I'm going to tell her that I'm not sure if she and I are going to work and keep looking---In a nice way of course. and who knows? She may not be there---It's not her not to show up. and today we put the paper together which is a paper that goes all over to Jails and etc. and it goes out once a month and I volunteer to help with it each month. She also helps and it will really surprise me if she's not there.
anywhooo=====you guys have a great day.
Jack---stay strong
Toots, Sass, Glee---I don't now what I would do without your advise.
Amp,WWS,fan,OT, Soberwolf,Star and of course our Dee
and anyone else that I might have missed.
Luv you guys---you help me stay sober and strong (((HUGS))))
Babs

August252015

Babs- I totally feel you on the liver and platelets, weight and anemia things. I just hit 90 days on the 22d and am due back to a check-in with my GP and my liver dr (his name is Dr Sunshine, really!) in a couple of weeks. My first month of sobriety was largely in and out of my drs' offices addressing the same things as you; my liver was not shot but he gave me a stop-drinking-or-die awakening and my test results have progressed leaps and bounds since initially scary high enzymes, low platelets and anemia. I needed to gain weight and probably have put on 15 (in my head I believe I could lose 5 back but that's another story). So- my long winded way of saying to hang in there and keep going the right direction! Thankfully our bodies can recover from a whole lot- I hope yours continues to!

Babs1234

yes August---I just got a call this morning from the Drs. office to schedule a upper GI and colonoscopy---Guess what !!! I'm going to do it. I have always scheduled it before and then cancelled but, not this time.
So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. ha ha ha ha
Babs

Thumpalumpacus

Morning, y'all. Hot coffee, a Denver omelet, a clear head, and the day off make this a beautiful little morning.

Babs1234

you got that right Thump. Gotta luva beautiful day !.
Babs

fantail

1. This is a great attitude. Not trying to control my negative feelings is one of the biggest differences between drunk me and sober me.

2. "go pear shaped"!! I had to look it up on Wikipedia. In my heart of hearts I know that if I start saying this I'll sound like that kid who goes to England for study abroad and comes back swearing that they can't help speaking in a terrible imitation of an English accent. But I'd really like to start saying this!!

gleefan

Jack - I agree with Fantail. I meant to comment on it in my earlier post. I'm home sick & not thinking entirely clearly.

Fan - The pear shaped phrase struck such a strong chord with me too that I figure that the mere use of the phrase (in my internal dialogue of course) to describe what ever mess I'm in may just lighten and redirect my mood!

fantail

Gleefan, OK perfect, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Let's adopt pear-shaped. If only in self dialogue!