Soberpotamus

That means a lot, Dee.

I meditated on what you said at the beginning of this -- that I'd come out ok from the anesthesia -- and I did!

So, I'm going to lodge into my head somewhere that Dee (and everyone) has faith I'll regain feeling in my lower lip and chin.

Dee74

D

venuscat

Absolutely!

We are beating the odds every day...we are staying sober, and embracing life.

I have faith that you will get back all feeling as well. ♥

happyandfree

Hi soberpotamus! ! I'm glad I found you. You sound good -take it easy tho...don't over do it.

Soberpotamus

My Dad called. We had a long talk. What's sad, is though I gave him every detail he wanted to know (and then some), he still couldn't show real compassion or regret or any sort of apology for not helping me when it got bad.

His excuse -- the call dropped, and so he thought he'd let us work things out, cause things sounded bad, and he just thought it would be better to let us be.

I told him he could've called me back. And he could've found it why things were so bad, and he could've helped me. But he didn't. And he never does, and he never has! And he always, always, always has a grand excuse and justification for why he did what he did, or why he didn't do anything.

This is how it has been my whole life with him.

Should I have answered the call?

Should I never speak to him again?

He doesn't get how he continues to let me down.

I mentioned how this forum and my friends here saved me last week. How you were my strength. And I mentioned to him I was sober for nearly three years. I got nothing, no well done, no great job, no I'm proud of you.

Everything he says sounds forced and unnatural. He doesn't mean any of it.

Why does he even bother to call? I'll tell you. Because he feels guilty. He does everything he does to assuage his own guilt for knowing he isn't being a good father.

And I used to wonder why I wasn't worth it. Why I mean so little to him.

But, you know what? He's the child of an alcoholic. And he married an alcoholic. And I turned into an alcoholic.

He gets to feel self-righteous.

Soberpotamus

^^that's a vent, btw

Soberpotamus

I feel really good for not holding back on the phone with him. I didn't try to protect his feelings, or watch what I said...I told him exactly how I felt, and exactly what happened...all the ugly details. And I didn't care (for once) that he didn't want to hear it.

Anna

SP, this surgery journey is really becoming life-changing for you. I think you are finding a strength you didn't know was there. You were left to figure things out for yourself and you did it, and you're doing well. You're getting stronger physically and emotionally every day, and I think you are starting to believe that everything will be okay.

Soberpotamus

I feel really good and powerful right now, Anna. Powerful in the sense that I don't need people who can't show me compassion and love.

And that I can recognize this.

Soberpotamus

I used to hold a lot of my anger in my jaw, clenching my jaw shut, grinding my teeth some at night.

It's interesting, now that my jaw is broken ( or was broken), and I can't use it, and can't bite down hard anymore in anger, maybe I'm having to deal with the anger in a different way, and hopefully, let it go.

I don't think this is a coincidence. I think there's a connection.

venuscat

I really relate to that J ~ I have TMJ as well. I literally carry all of my stress in my mouth.

This isn't about me, so I didn't bring it up earlier.
But having been in pain with this condition for so many years of my life, I am in awe of your bravery here.

And dealing with your dad was also very brave.
It is incredibly freeing when we realise that we don't want or need the love of someone on our lives just because they are blood.

It certainly doesn't sound like he was very compassionate, and that would not be OK with me either. You most definitely deserve better.

Soberpotamus

Wow, I didn't know! I am glad you mentioned it. This is the perfect thread to mention it, btw. I don't mind at all! I feel like it's too much about me at this point, lol!

I am sorry that you have to go through this too, V.!

Soberpotamus

I feel an amazing load has been lifted.

I think what happened is that this is the first time (sober!!) I've ever had a conversation with him in which I told him the truth, completely the truth, sparing nothing, and without smoothing things to make them more palatable for him. He wants me to pat him on the back and assure him it's ok that he ignored my feelings, and that I understand why he didn't call back (it's like a scripted role and all in these dysfunctional families). But I didn't. I let him know how it hurt me. And then I went on to let him know, further, that I am ok, and it's certainly not because of him! The only good thing he told me was that I have the "right" attitude. Yeah, well. It took some blood, sweat, and tears to get the "right" attitude, let me tell ya.

Lol.

I used to call him up drunk and cuss him out.

There's been an improvement.

venuscat

Before my dad died last year, we spent a LOT of time together.
My TMJ is on my left side, and I also have bony deposits in my lower jaw.
I found out my dad had the exact same thing.

What with all of this and my recurring bone tumors (benign), I do get upset, but I am beginning to 'fix' things.

Surgery on bone tumor done, and I am doing most of what is suggested to help my TMJ.

venuscat

My dad was an abusive father, and he could be very cruel.
I tried to do what you did tonight many times, but he always hung up on me.
I'm REALLY proud of you. ♥

Soberpotamus

Really!! I get this (the smaller lower jaw & probably the TMJ) from my dad, too.

Have they suggested surgery for the TMJ?

Soberpotamus

Thanks, V.

That you called and tried is great, I think. You can't help that he hung up.

My grandfather hung up on me the last two times we talked. He was abusive (verbally/emotionally) to everyone in the family, pretty much. He had a temper and was out of control, even years after he quit drinking.

venuscat

Yes....they have recommended surgery for years. I am not very good with doctors and hospitals though, and it took me ages just to have this last tumor surgery.
I'm kind of a scaredy-cat.

Soberpotamus

Oh, you should have seen me in the "holding room" getting the IV in my arm...I was a cry-baby, trust me. And I don't feel bad about it! I was terrified and I had to release it somehow, so I cried like a baby.

I had to work up to this. I've had a few years to "think" about this surgery.

I think you might be just fine to go through with it, if you want it bad enough. I wanted it badly enough eventually. That is really all it took!

Then, my mind was made up. And I did it.

I am a scaredy-cat, V! Trust me.

I think you can do it.

venuscat

I also need surgery for a deviated septum, which is also hereditary.
It often amazes me that I am nice looking considering how asymmetrical my face is.

(I never talk about any of this...I guess I should.
Getting sober is part of my healing, but I have more I need to do).