OMD

Thank you. It doesn't feel good at all to be me today but I really really appreciate your thoughts and support. To be honest I feel totally and utterly deflated (unlike Tom Brady presumably). I feel cheated, all sorts of things. Anyway, on the up side I have a clear run into Christmas now, only the usual scenarios that I bat off each day, so it really is down to me.

By the way, on the subject of energy I feel the ebbs and flows now much more than I used to when I would basically pass out most nights and wake up feeling the same. Some days I feel great, others less so. But if I am not ill I will always have more energy if I go do some exercise of some kind. I don't understand how this works, but it does. It also clears my mind. Mediating also helps revive me, even just for 10 mins. Never used to do that when I was drinking.

OMD

stargazer016

OMD, that's amazing how well you handled your no win situation! I doubt that I could have made it through the rest of the day without drinking, either to subdue the anger welling inside, or celebrating the triumph of getting the assignment.

ZaBoozer

Good morning all, catch up laggers

Angie247

OMD, I am so sorry that you had to be in that situation but you should be very proud of yourself. ((OMD))

Dee74

I can understand your inner turmoil OMD. I'm glad you haven't any cravings tho.

I've never been in a client type situation, but I often wonder how people who can;t drink for health reasons, or people who refuse to drink for religious reasons get on.

Surely there must be folks out there like that to take a lead from?

D

amp123

I think you did really well OMD. I don't think I could do it because my AV would get me with the "You see? You CAN have just one glass of wine!".

You show great strength but situations like that sound terribly dangerous. I'm sure you've weighed up all the pros and cons but it's awful to feel forced into a situation like that.

On the other hand, I went to a restaurant recently with some business acquaintances and although I didn't drink (I was driving) we did order dessert. It was one of these "creative" places where you don't really know what you're ordering. I ordered ice cream but when it came I was pretty sure there was a shot of rum poured over the top. I felt embarrassed not to eat it so I just sort of avoided the source. I didn't really feel like drinking after but I felt bad that I'd let some alcohol into my system. I guess it's all about how you take things.

Anyway, happy Friday everyone!

Incontrol15

Good morning.
Working my side job then have a shrink appt in afternoon. Gonna swing by my old house and grab my mail. I hate going there. I should have my mail forwarded. Just don't like the reminders of the past. I still have two garages full of tools there. I want to sell for cash, but don't have the time. I tried to work with somebody who would do an estate sale, but she stopped responding. I think she's too busy. So...I'll look for another option today.

stargazer016

Hope everyone has a great day! Finally got a good night's sleep but still feel meh. Going to jump on the exercise bike after another cup of coffee.

OMD

Hi all,
Thanks again for all the good wishes. They really are appreciated. Dee - unfortunately sometimes there is no simple solution if you want to be in the game. Would I have lost the job had I shunned him at the table? Maybe not but ultimately I didn't want take that risk. I slept on it and feel better today. Way I look at it - I took a sip of bleach to land a deal. Big deal. I have more important fish to fry like the welfare of my kids, so I am not going to be puritanical about this situation.

So, that's that. Onwards and upwards.

None for me today.
OMD

SwimKim12

Hi, All. I'm having a hard time. Left work yesterday feeling pretty good and went to the gym, but while working out my mood actually got worse. Av got really loud. I started seriously contemplating drinking. Left the gym and didn't feel like going home so I just drove around for a half an hour struggling with the AV. I would tell myself, no I can't drink, and then get upset bc I knew the negative feelings would still be here. Ultimately went home and was just in a crappy mood. Didn't feel any relief from not drinking; instead felt indecisive and powerless. Ate something and showered and just didn't feel great. Didn't even feel like reading so I just went to bed.

Woke up this morning very grateful that I did not drink. I brought a salad with me for lunch and I will make sure I eat that (need the nutrients). Just tired of not feeling good. And feeling scared by the power the AV had last night. Ugh just really struggling. Thanks for reading my vent.

On a positive note, I hope you all are able to have a great day and great long weekend for those in the U.S. Thanks for being here!

stargazer016

Seems like several of us are struggling a little right now. Maybe it has to do with the time frame of trying to maintain sobriety over a four or five month period. The newness factor of being sober has kind of worn off a little.It's a long, drawn out war of attrition with alcohol. Thoughts like "Shouldn't it be getting easier by now and shouldn't life be better now" circle often through my brain. I am very aware that issues that I had/have in my life are still there, it's just that I am not drinking to forget about them each and every day. I have to keep reminding myself that my life WILL NOT get any better if I start drinking again. Hang in there SwimKim. I know that feeling of not feeling relief from not drinking and it can be discouraging. I am glad that you did not succumb to the urges and that you feel grateful this morning!

stargazer016

Dee,

In your experience, is it common for people in our time frame to plateau, or hit a wall, in our recoveries?

Cauliflower

OMD, I can understand what you went through. In fact, that type of give and take happens all the time in business, any woman out there would agree. It seems we, women, have to toughen up, go with the flow, and make sure we don't come across as anything but a man's man in a man's world. It's tough out there, but it all about playing the game, and you seemed to handle the situation well. Three sips is awesome by they way, I'm sure the client noticed you weren't drinking, and he didn't say a darn thing, did he? Please don't feel cheated, you handled it well. I think you prepared yourself going in, you knew what to expect, and it worked. Good for you! I am so glad you don't have to face any tough situations like that for a while now.

Swim, take it one moment at a time. Get down to the root of the problem if you can, dig deep and try to figure out what is causing you to feel this way. Is it work? That can easily be changed by working on your resume. I know jobs are hard to come by these days, but it doesn't hurt to put the feelers out. Is it a relationship? Is it your health? Body image? Self esteem? At this point in our recovery, we have to look at the relationship we have with the outside world, and deal head on with issues, if we don't, we will feel stuck. We will feel like we are expecting our abstinence from alcohol to fix everything, just like we figured drinking was fixing everything, and we all know it wasn't!

I have started a gratitude journal, electronically. It's supposed to be great way to take a step back, and look at what the real important things are in life. I've read that once you are grateful for what you have now, life has a way of working itself out to allow for more growth, and happiness. I am also breaking down my goals with more smaller, detailed goals to help me get the big goal. Sure I want a happy, fulfilled life and be sober, but I need to break that down to feel like I'm getting somewhere. Swim, actually, that may help you in your current situation.

We are in for a rainy long weekend. I have figure out what to do to keep busy. I know my basement needs a major clean out. Or maybe I'll just wash walls and organize my cupboards. I have to keep busy because I am getting serious about my quitting smoking!! I am wearing a patch now, and will wear one all month. It helps tremendously with withdrawal, and keeps me sane, I am just too angry and b!tchy without one.

Have a good day everyone, and none for me today because I rather enjoy waking up bright eyed and not having to lay with a cold cloth across my face to try to feel normal while beating my self up in my mind.

Incontrol15

Yeah...I find depression popping up periodically. Hence my shrink appointment for today. Everyone's post is spot on.

Life without alcohol does not cure all. Life with alcohol destroys everything. In my case, I'm still carrying a lot of baggage.

Sometimes I find I've been ignoring the basics: good nutrition, vitamins, and time to deal with the issues on my mind through journaling or meditation.

I have yet to exercise. I know it would help, but all I seem to do is work and sleep. I'm not about to get up any earlier for a workout.

Another issue I find I get lazy with is taking my anti-depression meds regularly. That doesn't help!

In my case, I just have so much rebuilding to do, it seems overwhelming at times. That's when journaling helps flush the poison out of my mind and onto paper. With a fresh mind, I can be grateful for what I've accomplished so far and make little goals that are easy to do.

For many, and especially for myself, we don't know or use healthy coping skills. We only know how to drown bad feelings.

Incontrol15

Speaking of depression...
I've gotta go to my old house to mow and collect mail. Hate going there. No more electricity or heat/hot water. Just bad memories and regret. I have GOT to finalize my bankruptcy so I can move on. It's just something I've been avoiding and that's not helping.

Incontrol15

Ah. That's done. Didn't even go inside. Of course I have the anxiety of lawsuit letters from debt collectors to deal with now.

I've made the decision to bang out the work needed to file bankruptcy this weekend. I have GOT to put this behind me.

OMD

Hi all,
Kim I am very sorry the AV is giving you hassle. I agree completely with Cauliflower - try to work out what is causing that. And what exactly is the feeling? Maybe when you stare it down there's nothing much more than an irritation, or a feeling of being hungry or thirsty. Just the AV in its dying throes. I have imagined a monster inside who's withering away because of lack of alcohol.

And I know I have banged on about meditation before but after a while it starts to make sense. You realise that all these AV thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more. For me it made it easier to deal with.

And at its most basic, if you're in the middle of working out and feeling like you need something maybe it's nutrition. And you confuse the pangs with AV pangs. Salad won't cut it and will leave you feeling irritable too.

Have a good day all
OMD

OMD

Well done IC, kudos to you for cracking on with this. Not a happy exercise for sure but one that is clearly preying on your mind, so it would be great to nail it.

Good luck

OMD

SwimKim12

Thank you all for the support and advice. Kind of came out of the funk near the end of the workday and got a good workout in at the gym. Still not feeling great, but not horrible. Hope you all have a good night/morning!

stargazer016

This a good article I found on another thread about alcoholic thinking.

This is an article written by Jim LaPierre, LCSW, CCS

It's a succint explanation of the thought processes and behaviors of an active alcoholic in his professional experience. I think many of us recognize these behaviors in our loved ones. A newbie member in our Newcomers to Recovery forum posted about this article, and I wanted to share it here.

The Insanity of Alcoholism
Sadly, well intentioned folks try to protect the alcoholic from him/herself (enabling) or try to predict what they will do next (no crystal ball available). There are hundreds of wise sayings amongst alcoholics in recovery. Some are meant to make you think and some are meant to be taken very literally. Alcoholics Anonymous refers to, “the insanity of our disease.” This is a very literal statement. I can tell you a bit about understanding the active alcoholic but I cannot make it make sense to you because understanding the active alcoholic requires stripping away a lot of rational thought, the acknowledgement and willingness to learn from mistakes, the ability to recognize obvious patterns of behavior, and quite often, the application of common sense.

There are at least a hundred forms of alcoholism. What I am describing here is the person who is still drinking, is high functioning, and has not yet lost the things they hold dear. The disease of addiction dictates that they will lose these things in time and the rule of threes dictates a grim long term prognosis (jail, institution, and/or death).

Alcoholics think, act, believe, and feel based on distorted perceptions or themselves and the world around them. They live at the extremes of all or nothing. There is no moderation, no middle ground, no compromise, and no gray area in their worldview. To varying degrees, alcoholics live in denial of their destructiveness (self and others) and this further distorts what they are able to make sense of.

"Probably"
Alcoholics are the very best liars because they are able to use rationalization and justification to convince themselves that a lie is truth. This happens subconsciously. They are not aware that they are, if you’ll pardon the term – mind screwing themselves. Alcoholics adopt a language that facilitates lying in a way that sounds very well intentioned. Their favorite word is, “probably.” This word implies intention where in fact none exists. An alcoholic who tells you they will probably do something is highly unlikely to do it. Using words like these provides them a loop hole – an escape hatch in which no absolutes are given and no promises made. The alcoholic relies on words and phrases like: possibly, maybe, would, could, should, I’d like to, I want to, I need to. These words mean nothing. They sound good but almost always lead to disappointment. Progressively, alcoholism blurs every line and impacts every interaction, every relationship, every part of the alcoholic’s world.

Firehouse Management
Putting blinders on a horse leaves it with no peripheral vision – such is the worldview of the alcoholic. They may attend to many things, but in order to do so they must turn their attention away from one thing and toward another. Multitasking for the alcoholic means making many messes at once. There is no balance for the active alcoholic. As one area of their life declines they will often focus their attention on it and take it to an extreme. As this happens, another part of their life declines and gradually their life becomes dictated by “firehouse management” – every course of action becomes based on the most pressing problem. This is an inevitably downward spiral, though some alcoholics manage to maintain it for a very long time.

External Locus of Control
As alcoholics tend to drink progressively more they will generally conceal the frequency and amount they drink. They will tell you they only had three glasses of wine and this is true. What they have not told you is that each glass was a 16 ounce tumbler. It is not only the drinking that gets hidden; it is also the negative affects alcohol produces in their lives. Alcoholics develop what counselors call “an external locus of control.” Progressively, everything is someone else’s fault. If their job is going poorly it’s because their boss hates them. If their marriage suffers then their spouse is unreasonable. If they fail as parents they will see their children as ungrateful. Everything and everyone becomes a reason to drink. The spiraling alcoholic will often say that they don’t even want to drink but that circumstances like their horrible job/spouse/kids “force” them to.

Self-Pity and the Sense of Entitlement
Alcoholics often have a bizarre sense of entitlement. They reason that having such a difficult/stressful/demanding life entitles them to act in ways that are immature, irresponsible, and selfish. To observe their behavior is to conclude a belief that the world must owe them something. The active alcoholic wallows in self-pity and concludes that they are a victim of life. As they demand more from the world they expect less and less from themselves.

Appearance over Substance
The quickest route to self destruction for alcoholics are the words, “Screw it.” This is a declaration that everything is already screwed so they might as well drink. When people decide to stop drinking we encourage them to notice that “It” is actually, “Me.” This is evident in, “It’s not worth it.” On some level the alcoholic always knows the truth and they are usually working hard not to know it. They pretend and demand that those close to them buy into the fantasy that all is well. Life becomes progressively less about anything substantive and progressively more about maintaining appearances. This is well explained in Pink’s song, “Family Portrait.” “In our family portrait we look pretty happy. We look pretty normal…”

Master Manipulators
Alcoholics are master manipulators. They may not have been con artists before they started drinking but they come to have remarkable skills. They are the folks who can sell ice to Eskimos. They will pick a fight with you because they want to leave and they will have you believing it’s your fault. They show little or no accountability. They may have had integrity before their addiction kicked in but it will be conspicuously absent from their lives as they spiral. There is often one exception to this rule for each alcoholic – one thing they do especially well and it will most generally be their sole source of self esteem. We have known a large number of alcoholics who have incredible work ethics because being a good worker is the one thing they know they’re good at…well, they will say that and drinking.

Alcoholism - A Unique Disease
The disease of alcoholism gradually and insidiously strips everything away from a person. We have been asked countless times whether alcoholism is truly a disease or a choice. In truth it is both. Alcoholism is unique as a disease in that it not only hides from view – it also lies to its carrier about its presence. The person who is active in addiction has a unique choice relative to all other diseases. The alcoholic can go into remission at any time and many do. We see that alcoholics will abstain from drinking for a time to prove to themselves or others that they are not addicted, only to return later with a vengeance.

This is from an article entitled: Alcoholic Thinking - Understanding the Insanity of Alcoholism: How the Alcoholic Thinks