Jeni26

Good morning all. It's grey and cloudy here...what happened to the lovely Spring weather?

I've a day full of housework to get through and I've got to knuckle down and do schoolwork too (I work in a school).

I'm going to have to try and find motivation today. 3 weeks sober today!! Yay!

Have a nice weekend everyone x

mystified

It's pouring with rain here too jen. Oh well! Hope you have a good day anyway and congratulations on 3 weeks.

Mel12

You all have me wondering: is this going to be my time, or am I headed towards relapse? I cannot answer this question, but I know today is going to be a good Saturday without problems.

Mel

immri

I was wondering this exact thing earlier today. I hope we're all done for good

And sisterbobby moe sounds very cute I love dogs, mine is my world!

Goodnight all, early night 10pm here for me AV was very strong for about an hour tonight and don't feel very well either so getting some rest. Hope you're all having a good day/night

Dee74

I think we truly make our our recovery Mel - if you want to be successful, and you do whatever is required, you will be successful and sober

D

kinzoku

Hey all, sorry if I instigated a bit of an argument there. We are all on the same side, y'know? That means more to me than definitions.

Anyhoo.

Day 16

Only two full days left until I leave. Struck with some hard cravings last night. Slowly my world is throwing old triggers at me. Food. Places. Soon it will be people and bars. So far coca-cola (a habit I kicked *chuckles*) is my new ally.

Everytime I start thinking about the future my AV gets into a huge battle with my logical brain. I try not to go there too much.

Today I'll be seeing my mom, just relaxing around town. Finished every last errand I need to run. Nothing left but to study some language, relax, excercise, enjoy the last few days in the city/country.

Hope you all are well. Some of you are sporting some great numbers. Congrats!

-kin

secretary

Woke up with a lot of anger and self-loathing, not sure if that's me or part of the process. Tried to turn it into a good thing by going to the gym and spent an hour on the treadmill, definitely feel better, but still down.

I'm feeling really lucky having this group to support me.

kinzoku

@Secretary

Sorry to hear your morning was rough. Grats on going to the gym. Dragging myself there when my head is all messy is hard, I know.

Keep up the good one and put another day in the green!

Bmac

Definitely part of the process. We spent many a year behaving in a way that made it impossible for us to honestly say, "I really love myself". Give yourself some time to rediscover all that is good and beautiful about YOU!

Jeni26

Mel...don't think about the ifs and buts...just run full pelt into recovery and embrace it. Everything is better sober.

Secretary...I understand that self-loathing, I've really struggled with it myself. I still hate the fact that I relapsed and hurt people that I care about. I still hate that my H is actively drinking and wouldn't have been had I not picked up. All we can do I guess is be the best person we can be and do the next right thing.

It's been a quiet day today with family but a nice one. No drinking from H and no dramas. Just how I like it.

Sleep well my fellow Marchers x

immri

Secretary me too, I think it's just part of the process yeah. Good on you for getting to the gym it's 8am here and I've been awake for hours but still in bed hiding from the world!
Hope you're feeling better now

SpiritOfDjinn

Hey all. Day 35 here. Definitely still feeling the self loathing. I can distract myself from it sometimes, but it always just comes back. I think it almost has to be tied to AV in some ways. Trying to get our spirits down so we drink again. I've been praying A LOT. Multiple times a day. It helps.

I hope you are all having the best days that you possibly can. Good luck to you all as we continue to March through April.

Dee74

The AV will definitely use self loathing as it's tool.

If we hate ourselves and think we're worthless anyway, a decision to drink again can seem like no big deal.

My self esteem got a lot better with more sobriety - volunteering, doing good for others, really helped too.

Is that something that's feasible for you Spirit?
D

Dee74

The AV will definitely use self loathing as its tool.

If we hate ourselves and think we're worthless anyway, a decision to drink again can seem like no big deal.

My self esteem got a lot better with more sobriety - volunteering, doing good for others, really helped too.

Is that something that's feasible for you Spirit?
D

Sisterbobby

oh yes, the self loathing...destroys me. I can be my worse enemy. I even have a hard time accepting a compliment.
AV not too strong today, finally made it over to daughters place and helped her with the front yard and cleaned out the gutters.

Secretary-I didn't get to the gym, but i did the 'start the lawn mower' move for several minutes. Dang, I didn't think I'd ever get it started.

have a great night all

SpiritOfDjinn

It is, actually. Unfortunately for me, I suffer a great deal of social anxiety. I always have. I can't leave the house without feeling like all eyes are on me, passing judgement. Such is my life. I was hopeful that without the booze the anxiety would ease up but it hasn't at all. Sometimes it's worse. That's why I much prefer coming to SR than to try going to any kind of meetings.

Dee74

I had a good deal of social anxiety too...but I figured if I could force myself to the liquor store, bars and parties, I could stand a little human contact in volunteering...and it turned out ok

it took a little while for my anxiety to get better, which is understandable given I had anxiety before I ever started drinking....but I'm now the best I've ever been regarding anxiety

D

immri

Just wanted to say you're not alone there, I'm 100% the exact same way I relate to everything you said

NikTes

Echo. Hugs your way, Djinn. I want to believe that it will get easier for us socially anxious types.

My thinking today is I may have to (permanently?) withdraw from much of what happens 'out there', withdrawing to stay sober, to maintain a self that I'm not ashamed of (so ashamed of who I become when I drink). I mean, if I can't go out there without being tanked, I'm happier being at home, doing whatever I do. Happier the next morning. Happier in the longer term.

Maybe in time I can go out -- leave the house, sober, and stay sober at the venue or whatever, then come home and stay sober, and somehow be ok with my awkwardness and quietness while being out in public. I don't know. Talking out loud in hopes that it helps you to know that you're not alone.

NikTes

If only we knew how to turn the self-loathing into self-loving. (Ha, as if...) How about, at very least, turn it into self-respecting? Maybe staying sober will help create the shift.

Each week that passes that I don't have any shameful drunken episodes to ruminate over, I feel a little more ok in my skin. In time, it may ease the self-loathing factor? At least, I'm not quickly adding to my "I hate myself because of [drunken X, Y, Z]..." list.