Class of April 2014 Part 17
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
They are young & if you weren't important to them, they wouldn't be feeling in such a way that they are.....Just move forward in being that person they need you to be & forgive yourself for past wrongs, its just such a waste of our energy to do that to ourselves when it would be better spent on the "moving forward" business. Repeat all you need to, if that is what your feeling. Hope you get some good sleep tonight. I found a great ocean waves sleep meditation that put me in laa laa land last night
(hugs to you)
(hugs to you)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
UP, it might feel hopeless at the moment, but Dee's so right, things can change in an instant.
Is it possible for you to continue to show them that you love them, without wanting anything in return? Can you do that for as long as it takes?
When (not if ) you finally do get a text back, or a phone call, or a knock at the door, your consistent and unconditional love will be the grounds for a stronger and deeper relationship with your loved ones.
I'm sending prayer darts over to you now <3
Is it possible for you to continue to show them that you love them, without wanting anything in return? Can you do that for as long as it takes?
When (not if ) you finally do get a text back, or a phone call, or a knock at the door, your consistent and unconditional love will be the grounds for a stronger and deeper relationship with your loved ones.
I'm sending prayer darts over to you now <3
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Thanks everyone. I just never pictured my girls to act this way toward anyone.
Just have this feeling that I'm going to die old and alone.
Sorry .... enough of this depressing stuff. I don't want to ruin everyone's holidays.
Just have this feeling that I'm going to die old and alone.
Sorry .... enough of this depressing stuff. I don't want to ruin everyone's holidays.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,449
Don't let this feeling rule you UP cos it's a pretty short jump from there to 'why not drink'? (not that I think you will, but it's a slippery slope for anyone..I've been there...)
Like I said, with one of two exceptions I was forgiven...but people forgive on their own timetable not mine. Sometimes it's longer than we would like.
You were many things Up - much more than an alcoholic.
People can and do remember that, even if they're mad at us for a while
Have faith
Now seriously - you need to let this go, for now, before you start to wallow (again been there...)
D
Like I said, with one of two exceptions I was forgiven...but people forgive on their own timetable not mine. Sometimes it's longer than we would like.
You were many things Up - much more than an alcoholic.
People can and do remember that, even if they're mad at us for a while
Have faith
Now seriously - you need to let this go, for now, before you start to wallow (again been there...)
D
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Funny, well not really, that you mention the easy jump Dee. In a dream last night I had decided that I was going to give in for now. I was telling myself that it doesn't matter, I can quit again later.
The worst part was that I didn't really freak out when I woke up. I'm worried that I may be talking myself into using again. I just don't know.
The worst part was that I didn't really freak out when I woke up. I'm worried that I may be talking myself into using again. I just don't know.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Have you tried writing each of them a letter apologizing for any hurt you may have caused them & asking for their forgiveness Up? Letting them know that you wish you would have done things differently but are making changes in your life now so that you can be the Dad they need you to be? That is really all you can do & staying the course so when the time comes, you can be there for them. Not trying to be nosy, just suggesting & really hoping that even, as Dee said, you don't get that from them now, you forgive yourself. Thinking of you & you are always welcome to PM me if you want to talk about it more.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,449
Despair makes us think funny things.
actually you don't know that for sure. In fact, I can guarantee that however hard it was to stop last time, that'll be a picnic compared to having to stop again.
don't open yourself to more pain and misery UP.
Drink again and you'll only have a host of new things to be sad and sorry for and beat yourself up over.
D
I was telling myself that it doesn't matter, I can quit again later.
don't open yourself to more pain and misery UP.
Drink again and you'll only have a host of new things to be sad and sorry for and beat yourself up over.
D
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Do you have some local support where you are UP?
I did not hear from the counselor today, will give her a call in the am. I did meet with someone from the bank today RE: my mortgage payment & they agreed to push a payment to the back of my loan, so that is a huge relief & will allow me to get caught up on some bills, but I really am going to need to make a job change or find the right person to rent this room here. I got easily discouraged with the job hunt & then was smoking for a few weeks there, so wouldn't have been able to pass a drug screen, but I'm over a month free of that, so the hunt begins. I really shot myself in the foot with that DUII two years ago....I gogled my name the other day & the first thing people see is my mug shot from that arrest.....It's going to be really tough to find something, especially in the line of work I do...I've just been praying about it, but know God expects me to do my part too
I did not hear from the counselor today, will give her a call in the am. I did meet with someone from the bank today RE: my mortgage payment & they agreed to push a payment to the back of my loan, so that is a huge relief & will allow me to get caught up on some bills, but I really am going to need to make a job change or find the right person to rent this room here. I got easily discouraged with the job hunt & then was smoking for a few weeks there, so wouldn't have been able to pass a drug screen, but I'm over a month free of that, so the hunt begins. I really shot myself in the foot with that DUII two years ago....I gogled my name the other day & the first thing people see is my mug shot from that arrest.....It's going to be really tough to find something, especially in the line of work I do...I've just been praying about it, but know God expects me to do my part too
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
I know they say this too shall pass. Sometimes it seems like when one thing passes another shows up.
Not much in way of support for me. I've done screwed that up. I have one friend that I can pretty much vent to, wondering if he's getting tired of seeing me.
I don't want to go back to the counselor that I was seeing before because all she will keep telling me is "you got to go to meetings". Tried it but at least the meetings around here aren't going to help me.
Glad things worked out with the mortgage.
I know what you mean about your past haunting you with job prospects.
Not much in way of support for me. I've done screwed that up. I have one friend that I can pretty much vent to, wondering if he's getting tired of seeing me.
I don't want to go back to the counselor that I was seeing before because all she will keep telling me is "you got to go to meetings". Tried it but at least the meetings around here aren't going to help me. Glad things worked out with the mortgage.
I know what you mean about your past haunting you with job prospects.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
This will definitely pass, UP.
We never know how close we are to success, very often we quit when we're just a hairs breadth from achieving our goal.
A few years ago I walked up Ben Nevis in the snow. At the top there was a complete whiteout. Being alone and inexperienced I became fearful that I might take a wrong turn so decided to head back. Just then another walker appeared, someone with a compass, a map and far more experience. With his help I reached the summit, which was only a few yards from where I was about to turn back!
Without his help I would be sitting here thinking "I wish I could have climbed that mountain"
The only sure way to reach our goal is to keep facing the right direction and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Luckily there are many experienced guides on this journey of life who are willing to help us along. Thank you, Dee for being one of those precious people.
Hope everyone's day goes well.
We never know how close we are to success, very often we quit when we're just a hairs breadth from achieving our goal.
A few years ago I walked up Ben Nevis in the snow. At the top there was a complete whiteout. Being alone and inexperienced I became fearful that I might take a wrong turn so decided to head back. Just then another walker appeared, someone with a compass, a map and far more experience. With his help I reached the summit, which was only a few yards from where I was about to turn back!
Without his help I would be sitting here thinking "I wish I could have climbed that mountain"
The only sure way to reach our goal is to keep facing the right direction and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Luckily there are many experienced guides on this journey of life who are willing to help us along. Thank you, Dee for being one of those precious people.
Hope everyone's day goes well.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Wow Freein, you hiked Ben Nevis....that is FABULOUS! Hiking is something I really want to do this coming year, I live in such a beautiful place & there are many great destinations not too far from home I could make day trips of.......I shall have to get a little more comfortable carrying a weapon though, as I had a creepy experience about 10 years ago while hiking with one of my boys and I never want to be out secluded somewhere & not able to protect myself....nothin scarier than a redhead with a handgun
I googled Ben Mavis & found this poem that was written by a Man while he was on the summit
"Read me a lesson, Muse, and speak it loud
Upon the top of Nevis, blind in mist!
I look into the chasms, and a shroud
Vapurous doth hide them - just so much I wist
Mankind do know of hell; I look o'erhead,
And there is sullen mist, - even so much
Mankind can tell of heaven; mist is spread
Before the earth, beneath me, - even such,
Even so vague is man's sight of himself!
Here are the craggy stones beneath my feet, -
Thus much I know that, a poor witless elf,
I tread on them, - that all my eye doth meet
Is mist and crag, not only on this height,
But in the world of thought and mental might.
Up...Yes, the job situation is "troubling" but I have vowed to put myself into action to find something else, knowing I'm probably going to face some rejection, but knowing too that I have a lot to offer in the way of being a really good employee and I'm just going to have to really work on making contact with people that do the hiring & see if we can get them to look past my mistakes & give me a shot.
Meetings aren't for everyone Up, there not for me, but I know that as I find myself alone so much these days with the Kiddos being all but grown & away is the desire & need for a couple of close sober connections in my life....something else I'm going to need to put myself out there a bit to make happen....and I have a bit.
I googled Ben Mavis & found this poem that was written by a Man while he was on the summit
"Read me a lesson, Muse, and speak it loud
Upon the top of Nevis, blind in mist!
I look into the chasms, and a shroud
Vapurous doth hide them - just so much I wist
Mankind do know of hell; I look o'erhead,
And there is sullen mist, - even so much
Mankind can tell of heaven; mist is spread
Before the earth, beneath me, - even such,
Even so vague is man's sight of himself!
Here are the craggy stones beneath my feet, -
Thus much I know that, a poor witless elf,
I tread on them, - that all my eye doth meet
Is mist and crag, not only on this height,
But in the world of thought and mental might.
Up...Yes, the job situation is "troubling" but I have vowed to put myself into action to find something else, knowing I'm probably going to face some rejection, but knowing too that I have a lot to offer in the way of being a really good employee and I'm just going to have to really work on making contact with people that do the hiring & see if we can get them to look past my mistakes & give me a shot.
Meetings aren't for everyone Up, there not for me, but I know that as I find myself alone so much these days with the Kiddos being all but grown & away is the desire & need for a couple of close sober connections in my life....something else I'm going to need to put myself out there a bit to make happen....and I have a bit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
Thanks for the poem Mariah, I enjoyed reading that. I don't think I would have had the wherewithal to have written anything intelligent while I was there, perhaps next time I'll take a pencil and pad with me.
Not so sure about taking a weapon hiking though! It's a serious offence here in the UK to carry weapons, but you can still do a lot of damage with a pencil, so I'm told
I love your attitude regarding the work situation. Any employer will be so lucky to have you on their team. I hope it doesn't take long before you have something secure.
It's Friday evening here, I'm in for the Fools Bargain.
Not so sure about taking a weapon hiking though! It's a serious offence here in the UK to carry weapons, but you can still do a lot of damage with a pencil, so I'm told
I love your attitude regarding the work situation. Any employer will be so lucky to have you on their team. I hope it doesn't take long before you have something secure.
It's Friday evening here, I'm in for the Fools Bargain.
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