Dee74

(((Oceanlady)))I'm truly saddened to hear this news. Prayers & best wishes for you and for your son , and all those who love him.

D

advbike

My thoughts and prayers are with you Oceanlady. I truly wish for a positive and successful long-term outcome for your son.

Orn, it's crazy to be overseas and read the news highlights from the States. Seems like every week there's a shooting in a school or other public place, or another black man being shot by police. The gun violence is appalling. I'm a gun owner myself, having once enjoyed pistol shooting, but I support further controls.

Ornithology

Oceanlady, both you and your son are in my thoughts.

Elseware

Orn, please keep us posted as much as you can during your voyage. I know nothing about sailing and I want to be a vicarious fly on the wall!

Oceanlady, I'm thinking of you.

advbike

It's Labor Day weekend in Thailand so last night I flew down to Penang, Malaysia for a few days. Wow is it pretty here. I'm fighting a cold and got in at midnight, in a bad mood. Hotel seemed a bit run down.. I just went to bed, and when I woke up this morning, the view out my hotel window was stunning. It completely changed my outlook..

Penang is often referred to as the San Francisco of SE Asia, a cultural melting pot, with a strong British colonial influence. I plan on renting a car for a couple of days to explore, along with some walking tours of Georgetown, to see the gardens and the architecture. Hope to also watch the fight from here (go Manny!).. and of course sample the cuisine..

Venecia

Hi, All --

Pretty much Dullsville on this end.

Been kind of focused on next steps for physical/mental wellness at this end. As I noted in the Fitness forum (thanks for the feedback, Adv!), I'm trying tai chi. Went to my first class last Tuesday night and liked it, if not wholly blown away. I remember watching tai chi practitioners at Golden Gate Park a few years ago and was so impressed with the fluid, graceful movements.

Turns out, you don't get that way overnight! I'm going to go to classes for the summer as part of a three-month deal but am not sure I want to make the investment in monthly dues beyond that. I am hopeful that I can gain some meditation and movement skills that will carry me forward.

Other good news on the fitness front is that I went to a Pilates class at the Y on Saturday and they've got a really good teacher. Hadn't been very impressed with their teachers before -- in fact, I thought they were pretty subpar. Years ago, when I was living in a different part of the cities, I took Pilates religiously and benefitted from an excellent teacher. I think that made the previous classes I've tried at the Y even more of a disappointment.

But this guy was good and particularly attuned to doing things in a way that doesn't strain the neck. So yay! Back to Pilates!

Leave Friday a.m. with Mom and my SIL for several days in New Orleans at my cousin's family shindig. Mom remains frail and has had balance issues on top of that. Sigh. I've rented a wheelchair for her so hopefully that will help.

As always, my thoughts are with you, classmates. I hope our Moms, OL and Else, are doing all right in particular.

Better sign off now. It was really hot today -- now, suddenly, we have hail coming down and massive winds. That's not good. No more Dullsville at the moment!

May we all have a peaceful, healthy and sober week.

Elseware

Hello my friends!

Not much action over here. I hope that means everyone is doing well and finding life agreeable. We have come so far and for me at least things have really changed. I went down to Sacramento to see a rock concert. A guitar player and singer, Joe Bonnamassa. I really like him and was very excited for the concert. This was the first time I had ever been to a rock concert without being dead drunk and stoned. I found the whole thing a mad house and so loud I stuffed toilet paper in my ears. Wow! What a different person I am now.

On the whole I like this new me but it's not as exciting as the old days. But then I don't have to pay the consequences which are surely not worth it. And my days are even and productive now. Which I have to admit is a little boring because I was used to a lot of excitement.

I have been riding my brothers big palomino horse since he's still laid up from hip surgery and it's been going ok. He is sort of wild animal and I'm not much into wild anymore but we are having fun while I shop for a new horse. A good trail horse is surprisingly hard to find. All that seems to be out there are show horses.

My son is doing well. I'm proud of him. He looks so good and he's found a sponsor. I find it odd that I have embraced the whole 12 step program for him but absolutely refused to go there for myself. I wonder about that. I wonder if it was an extreme case of denial. Still more to work on and ponder. By the way, in case it isn't clear I did not take any of my brother's Oxy. I fretted about it for a couple of days but it just was not worth it. I'm pleased with myself about that. I really have quit. However, sometimes I get a little depressed and then I think about it and those pleasure centers in the old brain are hollering for some relief. I just wait it out. It goes away. It's good to be riding a horse again and I've picked up my knitting. These things sooth me and make me happy.

Hope all is well with each and every one of you. Kadidee, I'm sending you good thoughts about your dad. I hope he is not having too hard of a time. He has a lot to contend with.

Love to you all, Elseware

Oceanlady

Hi all! Sorry to be AOL but have got caught up in spring. Alls going ok. Son here for weekend, seems to be doing ok. I am encouraging him to do all possible to keep himself healthy . Glad all are doing well.

Venecia

Hi, all --

Hope this note finds everyone doing well, dealing with challenges large and small and enjoying what seems to be spring (though it was darn cold here this morning, as it has been all week).

Spent Friday through Monday in New Orleans, where my cousin and her husband hosted a lovely family get-together, with about two dozen in attendance. A cookout on Saturday and brunch on Sunday. It was fun to see family. Time goes by so quickly -- kids are grown up, babies arriving.

Accompanying me were my mom and sister-in-law. Despite her frailties, Mom did very well. We rented a wheelchair for her, which allowed her to see SO much more than she would have on her own. We went around the French Quarter (including museum exhibits on Katrina and Mardi Gras) and to Oak Alley Plantation.

Saturday evening, my mom stayed at my cousin's for a while, affording my SIL and I the chance to meet up with more cousins on Frenchmen Street for a quick visit and some great music.

All told, a good trip. It's amazing to be able to do something like this in sobriety. I'd say upwards of half the people wandering the Quarter on Saturday morning had drinks in hand. It's a different world for me now. I couldn't help but wonder how many of them would feel as the day progressed.

All my best to everyone. Else, I'm glad to hear that your son is making solid progress. What a long way he's come in the last couple months.

Kadi and Oceanlady, your dad and son remain in my thoughts, too.

May the rest of the week be peaceful, healthy and sober for all of us.

V.

advbike

Hi Else, I'm really glad to hear that your son is doing well. It must be like a miracle to you. Like you, I never fully embraced a 12 step program.. there was too much denial, or inability to completely admit I was powerless. Refusal to relinquish control... hence I still struggle at times, mainly with guilt and shame. Sometimes those who plummet the fastest are most receptive to the program, and hence experience the psychic shift necessary for a more complete recovery. Maybe you will be brought into the program by your son.. it wouldn't be the first time that happened.

V, I'm glad things went well with your mom in New Orleans. Must have been a big relief.. and as you mentioned, an eye opener at the same time..

All is well here in Southeast Asia. Back from my travels for awhile. I really miss motorcycling.. that is motorcycling in the American sense, with a big machine on the open road.. not riding a dinky little scooter on congested roads like they do here, lol. Don't know what I will do about this.. but ideas are percolating.. haha..

Take care all.

--Adv

kadidee

Hi all! I just wrote a long post and then must have timed out because I lost it. Oh well.

OL--I was sorry to read about your son's diagnosis, but glad to hear that he's doing well at the moment. You might think I'm nutty, but I am convinced that positive thinking, visualization, and energy focus are really powerful alternative forms of healing that can be used in conjunction with modern medicine. I am currently reading a book on energy healing. And Else, your son sounds like he's doing great too. What a gift that because of your travails, you understand exactly what he's going through.

Thank you all for the inquiries about my dad--he did end up having part of his leg amputated (six inches below the knee). It got to where he was in so much pain that he decided it had to be done, and I am glad that he was able to come to that on his own terms, because shortly thereafter some of the tissue began dying and it would have been inevitable. He is doing really well--I have been amazed by his positive attitude, especially since he so adamantly did not want to do it just a couple weeks prior. Now that it's done, he seems to want to get through the rehab, learn to use the prosthesis, and get back to work. My mom has been such a rock throughout this whole thing. They will release him from the hospital today and he will finish the occupational therapy in our small town instead of the hospital. They are so excited about going home!

Ornithology

Kadidee, your dad's positive attitude following a lower leg amputation is great news. Hopefully he will have a good experience in rehab and have full mobility soon.
Advbike, sounds like you're getting a new bike? I've been enjoying my old BMW GS this spring. Honda is reintroducing the Africa Twin to the states next year and I may need to add that to the garage.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm looking forward to marking our two year anniversary later this summer.

Venecia

Kadi,

Thanks for the update on your father. It's good to know that he is handling this transition positively. He has come a long way in accepting the need for this action and I've no doubt he benefits from his loving family's support. The next months will undoubtedly be filled with learning to be mobile in a new way. I know that it has been stressful for you and your family and I hope that you can now all move forward with your father as he recovers. It's so hard to deal with our parents' infirmities. He's lucky to have you as a daughter, my friend.

V.

Elseware

Kadidee , your father is a brave, strong man. Amputation is very hard and it seems he's coming thru with great grace and dignity. You must love and admire him so much. And good for you for handling it all well. It is hard to see someone you love suffer.

I hope he's home soon and adjusts well.

kadidee

Aw, thanks you guys for the kind thoughts about papa. I talked to him on the phone the other day and he sounds great. He's looking forward to getting the prosthesis in a few weeks and going back to work.

I have been thinking a lot about pre and post sobriety recently as we inch toward the two-year mark. I am still dating the guy I mentioned awhile back--it will be a year at the end of this month. He doesn't drink either. Even though it's been 21 months for me, I am still struck sometimes by the little things that I would not be doing if I were drinking...like going to the mall at 7 pm to look for a bathing suit or going for a walk after dinner. He and I (I'll call him J) talk a lot about what life is like not drinking, although he quit five or six years ago as part of a broader lifestyle change, so he didn't experience feeling like he was drowning in it and that life had become chaotic. Still, it was an addiction and a way to cope with messy things for him as well.

Anyway, I have a question in here somewhere--along with just the basic activities that make life different now, I feel like I am still getting clearer and gaining more perspective. Has anyone else experienced that? It's like the gift that keeps on giving, and I am reminded daily that drinking is all or nothing...it's not just the clarity lost the morning after while hungover, it's an ongoing clarity and consistency of clear thinking that builds and deepens over time. Of course, with this clarity, past transgressions become even more horrific and humiliating but I try not to dwell in those memories. The gift though is a keener sense of reality and choices and possibilities.

kadidee

Woops, double posted

Venecia

Hey Kadi!

Some interesting food for thought in your post.

I think you're really on to something about how this is much bigger than "no more hangovers" or the like. That's been on my mind lately, too, and mostly in a good sense. This is a transformation in our lives.

We're actually living our lives. The ability to get out there and do things really is a change for us. I liked your example of how going to the mall at 7 p.m. is nothing to most people. To us, it's huge. 5 p.m. and it was time to start wasting time before! I've also found that I'm more able to actually do things I used to say I wanted to do. Not quite three years ago, I was in SF for a cousin's wedding and had some time to myself one morning (uncharacteristically hangover-free, due to being on my very best behavior) and spent a good chunk of the time in Golden Gate Park. There, I watched a large group of people doing tai chi and I found it so impressive and interesting. They were so graceful and fluid.

I remember saying to myself "I'd like to do that." And a tiny voice in my head said "and you never will." Well, a few weeks ago, I signed up for a tai chi class. Things like that make a huge difference.

The other thing I'm mindful of is that a lifetime is a long time. In a message to another friend in recovery, I commented on how I sometimes feel a little paranoid about relapse. One thing I'm working on is transitioning that into a healthier perspective -- ongoing mindfulness.

I find myself posting in other parts of SR quite often now. For my first year here, I almost never ventured outside the closeness of our little class. Now, when I post, it is out of hope that I have something helpful to say, but also as an ongoing exercise in my own mindfulness.

Sobriety. As Martha Stewart would say, "it's a good thing."

So tickled for you to have hit the one-year mark with your fella. I hope that your relationship remains a source of joy and love for you, Kadi, our dear Southern Belle.

Hope this note finds all doing well. Oceanlady, it's been a while. (Hint.)

May these last days of May be healthy, peaceful and sober for all of us.

V.

advbike

Hi Kadi, I'm glad your sobriety is reaping rewards, and that they're becoming more defined as time goes on. I would have to say that for me, it's all just part of a broader process. Like your boyfriend (congrats on one year!) things weren't out of control so much as I just felt totally stuck. I still moderated my drinking, did what I needed to, and didn't really lose control or have blackouts. But I was unhappy and unable to make the changes I needed to.

What I've discovered in sobriety (I hesitate to call what I've been doing recovery) is that for most of my adult life I was using alcohol to self-medicate the trauma and pain from my turbulent childhood. My parents weren't abusers or raging alcoholics, but we lived overseas in a chaotic environment, with multiple countries, caregivers, and the loss of my older sister in a plane crash when I was four. Dad was a functioning alcoholic who separated from us and remained overseas when I was growing up.

Alcohol allowed me to be more social and reduce my anxiety. I drank a whole lot in my twenties, then quit drinking for awhile and became more stable (married) in my thirties. After my divorce in my late thirties I slipped back into controlled drinking again, while managing to complete my undergraduate and graduate degrees and have a successful career. Basically I just needed my medication.. but as I mentioned, even that failed to work eventually and I became stuck.

What sobriety has done this time around is allow me to really feel the pain, and take a look at myself, in order to make changes. It's a slow process, but I feel a lot better now than when I just quit drinking in my thirties without attempting any sort of recovery. I still struggle with some anxiety, but a lot of that comes from my ego which I can recognize now. It just takes awareness, and letting go of control. I also still have some codependent behaviors in relationships, which I have to work on.

Yes, there's more clarity in some ways. For me it's in the form of insight. And overall I'm happier now, but it's a slow process, and I suspect a lifelong one. So it goes.. Cheers..

Elseware

Adv, I read your post the other day and I have been contemplating the things you said. As I mentioned before, I had a very turbulent and violent childhood. And I think that this results in a lot of trust and self esteem issues. I only had one parent and a series of stepfathers. My mother was mentally ill and an alcoholic. She could be scary. You never knew what you were going to find when you walked in the door. And it could be bad. I decided at a very young age that I was unlovable. That belief is inside of me to this day. I can't even get away from it intellectually. I believe it.

What the last almost two years have taught me is to accept that I am unlovable. And with the acceptance has come a little peace and a sense that maybe I'm not so bad after all. I am an extreme introvert which I really didn't experience until now. I can go days without speaking to a soul when my husband is gone. But I find I'm kind of comfortable this way. In the past when I was drinking and using drugs I was trying to have a different personality than the one I have. It worked until I was so messed up I couldn't go on.

Another thing I've noticed is that I don't have the spirit I once had. I'm scared and I worry a lot. I have a feeling that disaster is lurking. Exactly like when I was a child because disaster was lurking then. I realize I harbor a great deal of anger towards my husband, even though I love him and would never leave him. But sometimes I feel there is no me. I'm an extension of him. I think this is one of the reasons I fell into such a depression. There was just nothing. I was nothing.

I don't know. I'm still working through this stuff with my therapists. Day by day. Most days are pretty ok and I'm adjusting little by little to acceptance of a different reality. One based a little more on what's real.

That being said, I bought a new horse. His name is "Snickers". He's black with a little white square right in the middle of his forehead. He's a Tennessee walking horse. I just got him and he seems like a sweet gentle guy. He walks out with big long strides and has a really fast "flat walk". I'm not used to that so we've been taking it slow because as I said I feel a little scared and uncertain these days.

Well, it's one in the morning. One of those nights. Love to you. Thanks for looking at my introspective post. Love to you all, Elseware

Venecia

(((Else)))

I'm so sorry. The genetic lottery is indeed an unfair one and I can only imagine what you, as a child, had to do to protect yourself. It makes perfect sense that you feel a sense of lurking disaster -- when you were a child, it must have often proved to be true.

We don't stop growing. And growing pains hurt. My wish for you is that you can continue to gain awareness that you matter deeply, that you are someone -- not an extension of another.

Wish I could be there to give you a real hug, lovely lady. I care about you very much.

V.