Class of September 2014 part 4
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Originally Posted by Alynn 
I wish it was only one glass. Of course that was the plan when I picked up that bottle and poured it. I hate it. That was really the first time I had been around drinking. AV was really sneaky. All my cousins were having wine and beer. I was overcome with jealousy. So stinking upset with my self. Dusting off and back on track. Feel like I have learned and grown stronger. It wasn't fun, it just felt strange. Hate to explain.
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NMD I am impressed it was one glass. But your AV could use that against you, too, saying you might as well really do it up since you relapsed (again not being preachy--this is based on years of experience). But you too seem to have a really positive attitude about it.
Exhausted lately. Term is ending and we're planning the road trip to Missouri for Dec. 19. I don't really feel up to being stuck there for 5 days, but I have to compromise with H (we are using airmiles to go see my niece in February). Plus it takes about 21 hours to drive each way, so that's four days on the road. I'll probably have a good time; it just feels overwhelming now since everyone drinks so much. I am bringing my Kindle and computer, though, so I can duck out to the bedroom if it gets too much.
Hopefully you will have some warmer weather.
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I don't know if it was talking about relapse or not, but yesterday I had the HUGEST craving to drink. I was really frustrated after work (someone had been rude to me), my computer I need for class wasn't working, and I was thinking about money or lack thereof. I was just so angry and felt like I wanted at least 10 minutes where I could just relax and not worry. If my husband had had tequila in the house, I probably would have done a shot. Or six. He even went to the store so I had a chance to drink the whiskey he did have. I just sat with it, gritting my teeth and angry. I was not a pleasant companion last night, but at least I was sober.
What else do you guys do when the thought comes? I tried thinking of all the bad stuff that happens, but that just made me feel like drinking more since I am a loser alcoholic. It is a good lesson that it passes even if it isn't fun. When I talked to him about how disappointed I was in myself, he said "It happens." Pretty much what I just said the other day. I do believe that urges are normal, but I forgot. Moving on now.
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second. I will definitely be reading the Thanksgiving guide I saw on here someplace before Christmas.
Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide
What else do you guys do when the thought comes? I tried thinking of all the bad stuff that happens, but that just made me feel like drinking more since I am a loser alcoholic. It is a good lesson that it passes even if it isn't fun. When I talked to him about how disappointed I was in myself, he said "It happens." Pretty much what I just said the other day. I do believe that urges are normal, but I forgot. Moving on now.
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second. I will definitely be reading the Thanksgiving guide I saw on here someplace before Christmas.
Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide
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There are some great tips here Safe:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
For me I had to accept that drinking was not a solution. I looked at what I was feeling - frustrated, angry, bored stressed...whatever - and thought about healthy ways I could deal with those feelings. Write a list if it helps...just don't drink
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
For me I had to accept that drinking was not a solution. I looked at what I was feeling - frustrated, angry, bored stressed...whatever - and thought about healthy ways I could deal with those feelings. Write a list if it helps...just don't drink
D
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What else do you guys do when the thought comes?
...
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second.
...
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second.
If I can manage it, escapes work best for me. Going to bed, a hot bath, finishing an all consuming project. Other than that, something along the lines of urge surfing posted by Dee a few times: kind of mentally watching your self and feelings from the outside, acknowledging them, and then letting them pass. (there's much better descriptions on here)
I still have huge triggers from things revolving around wine and craft or homebrewed beer. Browsing through local papers and seeing all of the ads for wine/beer can be a big one for me. I'm sorry all the talk of relapse was one for you. Knowing my triggers and respecting my own feelings is more important than I ever expected. No sense in pretending to be superman only to fall down time and time again. Certain things are hard for me still. It means letting go of wanting to please other people, easier said than done and something I'm working on.
You can do it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
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What else do you guys do when the thought comes?
...
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second.
...
But it is terrifying how easy it is to forget all the reasons not to drink in just one weak second.
If I can manage it, escapes work best for me. Going to bed, a hot bath, finishing an all consuming project. Other than that, something along the lines of urge surfing posted by Dee a few times: kind of mentally watching your self and feelings from the outside, acknowledging them, and then letting them pass. (there's much better descriptions on here)
I still have huge triggers from things revolving around wine and craft or homebrewed beer. Browsing through local papers and seeing all of the ads for wine/beer can be a big one for me. I'm sorry all the talk of relapse was one for you. Knowing my triggers and respecting my own feelings is more important than I ever expected. No sense in pretending to be superman only to fall down time and time again. Certain things are hard for me still. It means letting go of wanting to please other people, easier said than done and something I'm working on.
You can do it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Safe - I'm so sorry. Listen that relapse business is not fun. It's not worth it. Push through the cravings and feel proud of yourself. I have done some of these things instead lately. Have ice cream, milkshake or another special treat. Take 5 min to sit in complete silence and breaths, pray, focus on a positive mantra.
For me it's when everything is going well when I am most tempted.
On thanksgiving my mom, aunt, and cousins were drinking wine. I was not offered any . Only my mom knows I was quitting. This was at my aunts house. Her and I have drank many times together. In fact she was one of my major influences. I lived with her and it was always margaritas after work, concerts and beer, etc.. She has a DUI in her past. She always took it to far and now she goes through bottles of wine in her house. So here she is on thanksgiving sneaking around to everyone offering wine avoiding me. It's just ticked me off so bad I went and filled my own glass. That's the kind of thing that triggers me. Not making excuses. I knew better and it's my fault I gave in. I was angry. It was obvious that my mom had opened been taking about me. So they were almost like teaming up on me. I just didn't understand it when aunt had same drinking patten ya know?
Also parents had a nasty divorce and in drug through middle when I'm home. Relationship with dad is pretty much horrible. Hard to deal with after 30 years of a perfect family environment. Anyways sorry for the rant. I needed to get that out. I know that's a tigger now. Luckily I live far away from all of that drama! I live near husband and his family. Drinking is the greatest sin ever committed in their eyes. Which in the past was a reason I hid beer from him.
I bottle up my feelings. Feels good to write down and get out.
Like I said, I know it's my responsibility and I'm learning.
Last night my whole crew went to hotel bar. I went to room and watched netflix. That's what we call a "slam clicker". Lol. Wasn't even a thought to go hang out.
Hope you are well. Stay positive, strong, keep pushing forward, squish your AV, avoid triggers, most importantly love yourself. You were made perfectly and can't be replaced!
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
For me it's when everything is going well when I am most tempted.
On thanksgiving my mom, aunt, and cousins were drinking wine. I was not offered any . Only my mom knows I was quitting. This was at my aunts house. Her and I have drank many times together. In fact she was one of my major influences. I lived with her and it was always margaritas after work, concerts and beer, etc.. She has a DUI in her past. She always took it to far and now she goes through bottles of wine in her house. So here she is on thanksgiving sneaking around to everyone offering wine avoiding me. It's just ticked me off so bad I went and filled my own glass. That's the kind of thing that triggers me. Not making excuses. I knew better and it's my fault I gave in. I was angry. It was obvious that my mom had opened been taking about me. So they were almost like teaming up on me. I just didn't understand it when aunt had same drinking patten ya know?
Also parents had a nasty divorce and in drug through middle when I'm home. Relationship with dad is pretty much horrible. Hard to deal with after 30 years of a perfect family environment. Anyways sorry for the rant. I needed to get that out. I know that's a tigger now. Luckily I live far away from all of that drama! I live near husband and his family. Drinking is the greatest sin ever committed in their eyes. Which in the past was a reason I hid beer from him.
I bottle up my feelings. Feels good to write down and get out.
Like I said, I know it's my responsibility and I'm learning.
Last night my whole crew went to hotel bar. I went to room and watched netflix. That's what we call a "slam clicker". Lol. Wasn't even a thought to go hang out.
Hope you are well. Stay positive, strong, keep pushing forward, squish your AV, avoid triggers, most importantly love yourself. You were made perfectly and can't be replaced!
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
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Thanks for being here, guys.
Today again I felt frustrated. I think it's the holidays. We went Xmas shopping, and I got anxious. But--Alynn, I decided to eat treats instead of drinking (almost a whole bag of candy!) I agree that it's when things are going well that it gets tricky. I had been feeling really good except for the tiredness. No headaches and generally happy. It's almost like I am looking for something to go wrong because I'm so used to being in crisis. But not to downplay what I'm going through, either, because job insecurity is stressful.
Enjoyed the links, Dee. I read about urge surfing a long time ago but had forgotten. That helps me feel better about even getting the craving in the first place. Need to forgive myself when that happens. I'm an alcoholic!
nmd I like the idea of escaping into a project or something else. That fits with my obsessive personality. Tonight I watched TV shows but that got boring, so I read articles on FB for a long time, then started looking up "best of" lists for books, adding those I liked to my wishlist. My kindle has been a real friend lately. And I actually remember what I read! I used to read whole chapters and then not remember a word the next day and have to find my last "sober" spot in the book.
Good luck everyone. 'Tis the season . . . of temptation.
Today again I felt frustrated. I think it's the holidays. We went Xmas shopping, and I got anxious. But--Alynn, I decided to eat treats instead of drinking (almost a whole bag of candy!) I agree that it's when things are going well that it gets tricky. I had been feeling really good except for the tiredness. No headaches and generally happy. It's almost like I am looking for something to go wrong because I'm so used to being in crisis. But not to downplay what I'm going through, either, because job insecurity is stressful.
Enjoyed the links, Dee. I read about urge surfing a long time ago but had forgotten. That helps me feel better about even getting the craving in the first place. Need to forgive myself when that happens. I'm an alcoholic!
nmd I like the idea of escaping into a project or something else. That fits with my obsessive personality. Tonight I watched TV shows but that got boring, so I read articles on FB for a long time, then started looking up "best of" lists for books, adding those I liked to my wishlist. My kindle has been a real friend lately. And I actually remember what I read! I used to read whole chapters and then not remember a word the next day and have to find my last "sober" spot in the book.
Good luck everyone. 'Tis the season . . . of temptation.
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Hoping to get some Christmas shopping done today and put lights up outside. Its raining a bit but warmer today, so its actully a good day for it. I want to get my one son a snow board, but the equipment can be pretty expensive. He's been asking for two years and we live close enough to decent skiing. Hoping I can find something used, otherwise it will be a seasonal rental.
Doing well in general. Putting Thanksgiving in the past as a lesson learned. I still feel like I'm approaching 3 months sober. I can't believe there is still left over wine in the house from Thanksgiving though. 3 open bottles. In the past I would always polish off those off within a day. I'll probably have to dump them this weekend if the neighbors don't stop by.
Doing well in general. Putting Thanksgiving in the past as a lesson learned. I still feel like I'm approaching 3 months sober. I can't believe there is still left over wine in the house from Thanksgiving though. 3 open bottles. In the past I would always polish off those off within a day. I'll probably have to dump them this weekend if the neighbors don't stop by.
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Hi all. I've been absent from the forum for the past couple days, but still doing my thing. 3 months on Dec 4!
EJM824 - Re: all or nothing - oh yeah, that's me. I'm all in all the time. Still haven't managed to quit smoking yet...you're probably right about taking it slow, but I want to quit before the really cold weather comes round. I definitely don't want to be out on the balcony when it hits -20C.
Alynn & nmd - Oh, man. I'm sorry. Just don't throw in the towel completely. It OK - you can jump back on and keep going. I think Dee said it best - it doesn't solve any problems or even necessarily make you feel better. It doesn't really live up to expectations.
Things have been up and down for me I suppose. I went to a gathering (with drinks), and I have to say that it wasn't fun. I'm no good with small talk, and I felt like I didn't really have anything interesting to talk about. The weird thing is that I looked at the bottles of wine and felt nothing. I had no urge to get drunk - I just wanted to feel happy. Didn't happen so I left early.
The ups...I've been doing some volunteer work lately, which has been really great. Most of the time I sit around by myself, so it's nice to hang out with some fun people. I've been to a couple of social things in the past week. My life still feels relatively empty though...not working is hard. I feel like sitting around at home doing nothing has become a bit of a habit. Not good.
Oh well - what can I do but keep going? It's just that I'm going verrrry slowly. Kind of beating myself up about how long it takes me to get things together. Maybe I should, though. I'm really just being lazy, if I'm going to be perfectly honest!
EJM824 - Re: all or nothing - oh yeah, that's me. I'm all in all the time. Still haven't managed to quit smoking yet...you're probably right about taking it slow, but I want to quit before the really cold weather comes round. I definitely don't want to be out on the balcony when it hits -20C.
Alynn & nmd - Oh, man. I'm sorry. Just don't throw in the towel completely. It OK - you can jump back on and keep going. I think Dee said it best - it doesn't solve any problems or even necessarily make you feel better. It doesn't really live up to expectations.
Things have been up and down for me I suppose. I went to a gathering (with drinks), and I have to say that it wasn't fun. I'm no good with small talk, and I felt like I didn't really have anything interesting to talk about. The weird thing is that I looked at the bottles of wine and felt nothing. I had no urge to get drunk - I just wanted to feel happy. Didn't happen so I left early.
The ups...I've been doing some volunteer work lately, which has been really great. Most of the time I sit around by myself, so it's nice to hang out with some fun people. I've been to a couple of social things in the past week. My life still feels relatively empty though...not working is hard. I feel like sitting around at home doing nothing has become a bit of a habit. Not good.
Oh well - what can I do but keep going? It's just that I'm going verrrry slowly. Kind of beating myself up about how long it takes me to get things together. Maybe I should, though. I'm really just being lazy, if I'm going to be perfectly honest!
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I relapsed. I'd been struggling with cravings, as you know, but that isn't why. The day after my last post (Thursday), I went to a department meeting in which it was stated that most likely there would be little or 0 funding available for adjunct faculty in future years. It was really a case of my drinking "AT" something.
Then I knew we had a party on Saturday with people I always drank with, so I drank Friday, thinking I was going to Saturday anyway and I already blew it. I didn't want to tell them because then they'd know drinking was a real problem (logic??). The thing is, those people probably wouldn't have cared a bit if I didn't, and may even have been happy for me since they've all seen me wasted.
I didn't get blackout drunk any of the three nights, but it was no fun at all. Thursday I had three giant glasses of wine, then fell asleep, then drank two more, fell asleep, one more before bed. Friday and Saturday were just as boring, and the whole time I was wishing I was sober because I like that feeling better.
I would have had 3 months Dec. 11. Today I just feel relieved that I don't have to drink (not that I did before, but my mind said I did). I don't want to feel like half my brain is gone and be super tired and emotional from alcohol. I got all these bad memories in the morning, too, which tells me a lot of the psychological crap I deal with is exacerbated by drinking.
I'm determined not to drink today and to stay sober over Christmas. Why do it if there are so few rewards? I just don't like it as much as I though I did.
Sorry if I've disappointed anyone. If I have a chance at all to start again, I need to be honest here. I don't want to lose my sobriety.
Then I knew we had a party on Saturday with people I always drank with, so I drank Friday, thinking I was going to Saturday anyway and I already blew it. I didn't want to tell them because then they'd know drinking was a real problem (logic??). The thing is, those people probably wouldn't have cared a bit if I didn't, and may even have been happy for me since they've all seen me wasted.
I didn't get blackout drunk any of the three nights, but it was no fun at all. Thursday I had three giant glasses of wine, then fell asleep, then drank two more, fell asleep, one more before bed. Friday and Saturday were just as boring, and the whole time I was wishing I was sober because I like that feeling better.
I would have had 3 months Dec. 11. Today I just feel relieved that I don't have to drink (not that I did before, but my mind said I did). I don't want to feel like half my brain is gone and be super tired and emotional from alcohol. I got all these bad memories in the morning, too, which tells me a lot of the psychological crap I deal with is exacerbated by drinking.
I'm determined not to drink today and to stay sober over Christmas. Why do it if there are so few rewards? I just don't like it as much as I though I did.
Sorry if I've disappointed anyone. If I have a chance at all to start again, I need to be honest here. I don't want to lose my sobriety.
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It's alright Safe! Dust off and keep on. Don't beat yourself up. Like you said we know we don't like feeling that way. Glad you posted!!!
Crazy tired here. We took MIL on vacation over the weekend. Way to stressful. Spent to much money, everyone had different agendas, and we were around ALOT of people drinking and having a good time. Plus husband and I fought all weekend. I was do panicky last night and really wanted to be one of those people who were carefree and having fun. Pushed through but wasn't easy.
Hope your well!
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
Crazy tired here. We took MIL on vacation over the weekend. Way to stressful. Spent to much money, everyone had different agendas, and we were around ALOT of people drinking and having a good time. Plus husband and I fought all weekend. I was do panicky last night and really wanted to be one of those people who were carefree and having fun. Pushed through but wasn't easy.
Hope your well!
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
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Avice- congrats on 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about yours slip up safe, but like alynn said, just dust off and move on. It will be a distant memory before you know it.
I got some shopping in this weekend, and found a great deal on a snowboard for my son. I never got decorations up though, The past two weekends I've had either migranes or a virus. It starts off as a bad headache then leads into me throwing up and being out of commission in bed for 12 hours. I've never had migraines before, but I think they may have started earlier in the year. I remember two other times this year I had an icepick headache leading into a migraine like headache. The throwing up bit is new though. Sorry if that is TMI, the short story is I've been layed up. It would have been easy to attribute to drinking or a virus, but it's not looking like that at the moment. I'm not drinking and none else is sick.
Sorry about yours slip up safe, but like alynn said, just dust off and move on. It will be a distant memory before you know it.
I got some shopping in this weekend, and found a great deal on a snowboard for my son. I never got decorations up though, The past two weekends I've had either migranes or a virus. It starts off as a bad headache then leads into me throwing up and being out of commission in bed for 12 hours. I've never had migraines before, but I think they may have started earlier in the year. I remember two other times this year I had an icepick headache leading into a migraine like headache. The throwing up bit is new though. Sorry if that is TMI, the short story is I've been layed up. It would have been easy to attribute to drinking or a virus, but it's not looking like that at the moment. I'm not drinking and none else is sick.
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Last edited by nmd; 10-02-2023 at 10:41 AM.
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Last edited by nmd; 10-02-2023 at 10:41 AM.
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