Class of September 2014 part 4
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Hey all!
Today was veeeeeery tough for me. I contemplated drinking multiple times. An ex is interested n reconnecting and my nervousness fueled my AV's return. While I don't have the same feelings for the person, I'm interested to see if I can get them back, unfortunately all I could do is think of drinking to ease the awkwardness. Me and my ex drank quite often, drinking was a very big party of our relationship so I think he is a huge trigger. That combined with everyone's view of me being boring and no fun now that I am sober had me very weak for the past couple of days. Luckily my higher power is working with me to avoid situations that are harmful..... I took a huge sigh of relief when he called and said he couldn't make it tonight. So very grateful. Gotta keep my guards up!
Today was veeeeeery tough for me. I contemplated drinking multiple times. An ex is interested n reconnecting and my nervousness fueled my AV's return. While I don't have the same feelings for the person, I'm interested to see if I can get them back, unfortunately all I could do is think of drinking to ease the awkwardness. Me and my ex drank quite often, drinking was a very big party of our relationship so I think he is a huge trigger. That combined with everyone's view of me being boring and no fun now that I am sober had me very weak for the past couple of days. Luckily my higher power is working with me to avoid situations that are harmful..... I took a huge sigh of relief when he called and said he couldn't make it tonight. So very grateful. Gotta keep my guards up!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by EJM824 
That combined with everyone's view of me being boring and no fun now that I am sober had me very weak for the past couple of days!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Ha! You are right Avice. My family doesn't think so, but my friends all agree that I'm "no fun". They relied on me to "get the party started" and then they would jump in. Without me doing that it has the opposite effect. It's getting hard not to feel like Debbie Downer. I'm almost never upset or down until my friends start pressuring me to initiate the fun.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by EJM824
Ha! You are right Avice. My family doesn't think so, but my friends all agree that I'm "no fun". They relied on me to "get the party started" and then they would jump in. Without me doing that it has the opposite effect. It's getting hard not to feel like Debbie Downer. I'm almost never upset or down until my friends start pressuring me to initiate the fun.
That being said, I'm very nervous about my Christmas get together tonight. It's the one time that I think I might be very tempted. If I'm going to be totally honest with you, I feel like I would much rather be drunk than sober tonight, because I don't know the majority of the people that are going to be there. I'm basically crashing a family party. I've been so nervous that I've been having a lot of trouble eating over the past three days. So yeah - I would love to say 'to hell with it' for one day and just get sloshed with everyone else. Trouble is, I always manage to get the MOST sloshed, and then I become the clown. Oh, I also become way too honest about everything - especially myself. There really is such a thing as 'too much infomation', Avice.
Sigh. Christmas. Well, I'll post on here if things get too hairy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,441
Checking in with some trepidation because I started drinking last weekend before Christmas. Not out of control or every day, but you all know how it goes.
I wish you are all well and the quiet is because everyone is busy with holidays.
I wish you are all well and the quiet is because everyone is busy with holidays.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,441
Thanks GS
I missed your 90 day mark EJM, congrats! Looking at yourself from outside is great description, and probably not a bad thing, like visualizing yourself sober. I think the belief that it will stick takes time, kind of like losing the fear of falling off your bike as a kid.
Welcome back Plenny, sorry about all you are going through.
I missed your 90 day mark EJM, congrats! Looking at yourself from outside is great description, and probably not a bad thing, like visualizing yourself sober. I think the belief that it will stick takes time, kind of like losing the fear of falling off your bike as a kid.
Welcome back Plenny, sorry about all you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 133
nmd - Please stick around! The holidays are really a bitch when you're newly sober. Don't disappear though - it ain't worth it.
Dee - Happy New Year! Nice avatar.
OK...so I've been sick with the flu, but I'm almost better.
I have something I need to talk about. I had a really hard time at Christmas dinner. Yes, I took some anti-anxiety meds (please, no flak for this - they're prescribed and I've NEVER abused them), but it wasn't enough. I was talking to a guy I found (ahem) somewhat attractive, and I started having panic attacks at the table. At attack #1, I thought...OK. Fine - I can deal with it. But then they kept coming one after the other and it was just exhausting. Part of the reason I've never been addicted to these meds is because I never allow myself to go over a certain limit, so I had no escape there. (Don't ask me why I can do that with Xanax and not alcohol...I have no answer for you.) I don't take them every day either, so I didn't have a tolerance built up. WHY DIDN'T THEY WORK THIS TIME? Honestly, I didn't enjoy dinner and I was looking at everyone else's glasses of wine like Wile E. Coyote looks at the Roadrunner.
Didn't stop there, either. I wanted to drink for one or two days after that. I just felt hopeless. I thought that I was pretty much free of these panic attacks, but no. I was extremely depressed...and then I got sick.
I feel better now and the desire to get bombed has gone away, but part of me is still pretty angry that I have to deal with this stuff. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
OK - that's it. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Dee - Happy New Year! Nice avatar.
OK...so I've been sick with the flu, but I'm almost better.
I have something I need to talk about. I had a really hard time at Christmas dinner. Yes, I took some anti-anxiety meds (please, no flak for this - they're prescribed and I've NEVER abused them), but it wasn't enough. I was talking to a guy I found (ahem) somewhat attractive, and I started having panic attacks at the table. At attack #1, I thought...OK. Fine - I can deal with it. But then they kept coming one after the other and it was just exhausting. Part of the reason I've never been addicted to these meds is because I never allow myself to go over a certain limit, so I had no escape there. (Don't ask me why I can do that with Xanax and not alcohol...I have no answer for you.) I don't take them every day either, so I didn't have a tolerance built up. WHY DIDN'T THEY WORK THIS TIME? Honestly, I didn't enjoy dinner and I was looking at everyone else's glasses of wine like Wile E. Coyote looks at the Roadrunner.
Didn't stop there, either. I wanted to drink for one or two days after that. I just felt hopeless. I thought that I was pretty much free of these panic attacks, but no. I was extremely depressed...and then I got sick.
I feel better now and the desire to get bombed has gone away, but part of me is still pretty angry that I have to deal with this stuff. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
OK - that's it. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,441
Avice- congrats on getting though the new years! I have zero experience with anxiety meds, but keep at what you are doing. You certainly aren't alone in having anxiety around someone you are attracted to, it just takes a little while to rebuild confidence I think.
Dee- do I have a revised plan? - In all honestly I guess I am reconsidering 100% sobriety, but not really decided and not throwing in the towel or disappearing.
Dee- do I have a revised plan? - In all honestly I guess I am reconsidering 100% sobriety, but not really decided and not throwing in the towel or disappearing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 315
Hi, everyone. I'm back. Congrats to EJM on 90 days! Avice, I know what you mean about never feeling "normal." There always has to be a crisis, at least for me (even if it is physical, but that leads to mental obsession).
I'm wondering why I drank over the holidays. I think it's because I had already messed up, and it is also simply easier than explaining and being the focus of everyone's attention. I wasn't strong enough.
But a deeper reason is more troubling, and that is that when I had nearly 3 months, I felt better than I ever had in my life (well, except for that first awful month of headaches). But I have a lifelong need to be self-destructive. Also to mess things up just when (because?) they are going well. It's like I think I don't deserve to feel good. I am more comfortable being the f---up because that's who I've always been. This is insane thinking on my part, but how do I get rid of it?
What will I do differently? (since Dee is going to ask
The only thing I can think of is start today, take a day at a time, and write to you guys when I get these crazy thoughts instead of feeling like a doomed loser. Preventing the thoughts themselves seems impossible to me.
Anyway, I am ready to try again. Day one.
I'm wondering why I drank over the holidays. I think it's because I had already messed up, and it is also simply easier than explaining and being the focus of everyone's attention. I wasn't strong enough.
But a deeper reason is more troubling, and that is that when I had nearly 3 months, I felt better than I ever had in my life (well, except for that first awful month of headaches). But I have a lifelong need to be self-destructive. Also to mess things up just when (because?) they are going well. It's like I think I don't deserve to feel good. I am more comfortable being the f---up because that's who I've always been. This is insane thinking on my part, but how do I get rid of it?
What will I do differently? (since Dee is going to ask
The only thing I can think of is start today, take a day at a time, and write to you guys when I get these crazy thoughts instead of feeling like a doomed loser. Preventing the thoughts themselves seems impossible to me.Anyway, I am ready to try again. Day one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 315
I'm also posting about this self-sabotage stuff on the Newcomers Forum to see if I can get any tips.
And I forgot to say a big congratulations to those who made it through the holidays sober! I can tell from the posts lately that it was not easy.
And I forgot to say a big congratulations to those who made it through the holidays sober! I can tell from the posts lately that it was not easy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 133
OK. First things first. 4 months today. 
I have an app on my phone called CleanTime Counter (Android). It's cool cause it gives you a 'Happy Anniversary!' every month and it breaks it down. I've been sober for
4 months
122 days
2936 hours
176197 minutes
10571870 seconds. Oops - 10571882 seconds. Oops - 10571891 seconds...never mind.
NMD - I know I'm not alone in having anxiety around people I'm attracted to. He was probably a bit nervous too. I actually think he may feel the same way, but I could be imagining it. He's different from most guys I attract...he's not married, for one. He also doesn't text me for booty calls when he's contemplating separating from his wife (this has happened twice over the past few months). Also, he's a good listener. When we were interrupted a couple times during our conversation, he would lead back in with: So...what were you saying about (subject)? In short, I think he made me nervous because he wasn't a scumbag, and I'm not used to having non-scumbags approach me.
Are you considering controlled drinking? Do you think it's possible for you? I mean, if you have a few drinks, how hard is it for you to stop? I don't know NMD...I think you're playing with fire.
SAS -
Sorry you're having a hard time...the statement above makes me think that therapy would do you some good. You're not alone in your self-destructive tendancies. I can TOTALLY relate. I'm feeling better in that respect, but the panic attacks still need to be dealt with, which is why I'm going to see a psychiatrist on the 7th. Just tell me you'll consider it.
Speaking of the head shrinker, I'm nervous about going. I've had good therapists and bad ones. The good ones have been a godsend, but the bad ones look at me as some kind of scammer or drug addict, since my go to medication is Xanax. Truth is, I never touch it unless I need to because I don't like it. It works, but it has a very short half-life and after 4 hours I get extremely irratable and tired on the stuff. However, if he wants to take it away from me, I wil freak out because it's the only thing that works in high pressure social situations. I've tested a veritable cornucopia of drugs through the years. The last one was an antidepressant that made me suicidal...I had to go into an emergency clinic to beg them to get me off the stuff. I also hate doctors who try to tell me that SSRI antidepressants aren't physically addictive. YES, THEY ARE. They most certainly are. Anyway, I just hope it goes well. I'll keep y'all posted.
Please...even if you've fallen off the wagon - stick around. Don't leave this googly-eyed cat lonely.
I have an app on my phone called CleanTime Counter (Android). It's cool cause it gives you a 'Happy Anniversary!' every month and it breaks it down. I've been sober for
4 months
122 days
2936 hours
176197 minutes
10571870 seconds. Oops - 10571882 seconds. Oops - 10571891 seconds...never mind.
Originally Posted by nmd
Avice- congrats on getting though the new years! I have zero experience with anxiety meds, but keep at what you are doing. You certainly aren't alone in having anxiety around someone you are attracted to, it just takes a little while to rebuild confidence I think.
Originally Posted by nmd
Dee- do I have a revised plan? - In all honestly I guess I am reconsidering 100% sobriety, but not really decided and not throwing in the towel or disappearing.
SAS -
Originally Posted by safeandsound
But a deeper reason is more troubling, and that is that when I had nearly 3 months, I felt better than I ever had in my life (well, except for that first awful month of headaches). But I have a lifelong need to be self-destructive. Also to mess things up just when (because?) they are going well. It's like I think I don't deserve to feel good. I am more comfortable being the f---up because that's who I've always been. This is insane thinking on my part, but how do I get rid of it?
Speaking of the head shrinker, I'm nervous about going. I've had good therapists and bad ones. The good ones have been a godsend, but the bad ones look at me as some kind of scammer or drug addict, since my go to medication is Xanax. Truth is, I never touch it unless I need to because I don't like it. It works, but it has a very short half-life and after 4 hours I get extremely irratable and tired on the stuff. However, if he wants to take it away from me, I wil freak out because it's the only thing that works in high pressure social situations. I've tested a veritable cornucopia of drugs through the years. The last one was an antidepressant that made me suicidal...I had to go into an emergency clinic to beg them to get me off the stuff. I also hate doctors who try to tell me that SSRI antidepressants aren't physically addictive. YES, THEY ARE. They most certainly are. Anyway, I just hope it goes well. I'll keep y'all posted.
Please...even if you've fallen off the wagon - stick around. Don't leave this googly-eyed cat lonely.
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