Class Of February 2014 Part 11
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
"I hope your lunch goes well. I'm curious, what kept you away from your friend. What didn't you trust about yourself? "
I was so angry with watching my life falling apart and having little control. I had such major trust issues (still do). I would lash out. His life was in turmoil with the birth of twins who had health issues. . . I lashed out one night. After that I knew he really didn't need the added stress of my anger (which was really not at him at all) and my drinking. I didn't trust that I could keep myself in check. Even without the drinking, the anger hung around for a long time. It rears its head occasionally still, but I've learned healthier ways of dealing with it.
I was so angry with watching my life falling apart and having little control. I had such major trust issues (still do). I would lash out. His life was in turmoil with the birth of twins who had health issues. . . I lashed out one night. After that I knew he really didn't need the added stress of my anger (which was really not at him at all) and my drinking. I didn't trust that I could keep myself in check. Even without the drinking, the anger hung around for a long time. It rears its head occasionally still, but I've learned healthier ways of dealing with it.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
DI - We can all forgive each other for the errors of our ways - and we also have to forgive ourselves. Like SoberLeigh said, her drinking WAS what it WAS - so WAS your misappropriated anger towards your friend. You're on firmer ground today than you were when you lashed our at him. I hope you have a wonderful time reconnecting!
I've always enjoyed the company of good friends, and in recovery my life has slowed back down to a pace where I can nurture my friendships, like I did when I was a kid and had no other responsibilities. Another gift of the removal of the obsession to drink!
Have a great day Febbies!
I've always enjoyed the company of good friends, and in recovery my life has slowed back down to a pace where I can nurture my friendships, like I did when I was a kid and had no other responsibilities. Another gift of the removal of the obsession to drink!
Have a great day Febbies!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
Originally Posted by dSober 
Just letting go... I hope... 
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
DI- I think a lot of us dealt with our issues differently in the past. I know I did. I've come to realize that anger is an emotion that is kind of like a mask. A lot of times our anger stems from something much deeper. Fears and insecurities are big ones. And of course, the past is the past. You're a different person now. You basically said the same thing in your previous post It sounds like you're dealing with it very well 
Speaking of old friends. I received a phone call from an old friend today. I hadn't talked to him in several years. I haven't seen him since my wedding 4 years ago. I was in college when we were friends and at the time he was in AA and just beginning his recovery from alcoholism. Anyway, we were best friends. We talked every day. Just friends though, nothing more. We sort of lost touch after we both became involved with other people. When I spoke with him today I told him about everything I had been through with my addiction to alcohol. He didn't seem surprised and he mentioned that he saw some "alcoholic behavior" back in the day. I wasn't surprised that he wasn't surprised either. Anyway, I felt a little uncomfortable talking with him. My husband is a tiny bit of a jealous guy. He has never really appreciated me having male friends, although he has tolerated a couple. I don't think he cared for this guy, but he didn't mind that he was at our wedding. But I wanted to talk to my friend. I doubt I'll be talking to him again any time soon. Besides, he lives clear out in the middle of Nevada somewhere now AND he's married. So, I'm debating on whether or not I'll tell my husband about our conversation today. I think I will. Better to be outright with it than have him somehow stumble on it.
Alright Febbies, catch you later
It sounds like you're dealing with it very well Speaking of old friends. I received a phone call from an old friend today. I hadn't talked to him in several years. I haven't seen him since my wedding 4 years ago. I was in college when we were friends and at the time he was in AA and just beginning his recovery from alcoholism. Anyway, we were best friends. We talked every day. Just friends though, nothing more. We sort of lost touch after we both became involved with other people. When I spoke with him today I told him about everything I had been through with my addiction to alcohol. He didn't seem surprised and he mentioned that he saw some "alcoholic behavior" back in the day. I wasn't surprised that he wasn't surprised either. Anyway, I felt a little uncomfortable talking with him. My husband is a tiny bit of a jealous guy. He has never really appreciated me having male friends, although he has tolerated a couple. I don't think he cared for this guy, but he didn't mind that he was at our wedding. But I wanted to talk to my friend. I doubt I'll be talking to him again any time soon. Besides, he lives clear out in the middle of Nevada somewhere now AND he's married. So, I'm debating on whether or not I'll tell my husband about our conversation today. I think I will. Better to be outright with it than have him somehow stumble on it.
Alright Febbies, catch you later
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Originally Posted by DiggingIn
Pretty much. But I have also learned that for larger issues I need to work through whether or not it's justified anger and then whether it needs to be addressed. It very rarely needs to be addressed and when it does, it's usually because I've discovered my feelings are hurt not that I'm actually angry. Then my response is controlled, understanding, but firm in standing up for myself.
Lulu - How nice that you got to connect with an old friend.
I have a friend who I've known for a while, who is a cool person, but is also a complainer who obsesses on things that are out of her control. An inordinate proportion of our time together is spent with me listening to her frustrations about these things she couldn't possibly control. I like to listen, and I'm sure this is something that she values in me. Anyway, as I've been learning tools to practice acceptance and gratitude, I've been sharing them with her. Recently, it was met with a firm boundary from her.
I think she's angry that I didn't align with her. In the past, I would have either backpedaled my position with her to make her approve of me OR sought other people to agree with me that I was correct in what I said and she was wrong. There I was, essentially running smear campaigns, yet considering myself to be a "nice" person.
Today, I am giving her a couple of days to cool off, before we chat again. I'm proud of myself for changing the things I can. Moreover, I forgive myself for the friendships that have fallen by the wayside in the past because I didn't how to handle disagreements. And I'm so grateful to be learning now.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi Febbies,
I'm grateful in recovery for learning how to take time before reacting. I looked back on the note that my friend sent me, that I talked about in my previous post, and it was less hostile than I thought. I realized that I've been aggravated for a long time that our relationship dynamic is that she dumps her problems on me with little consideration for what's going on in my life. This dynamic surpassed the boundaries of normal give and take in friendships, or of mutual support offered in recovery situations. I realize now that I don't need to be useful to someone to be worthwhile. I don't need to be indispensable to be someone's friend. I sent her a friendly note in return, and time will tell where things will go from there. It feels freeing to know in my bones that I don't need to give myself away anymore.
I'm grateful in recovery for learning how to take time before reacting. I looked back on the note that my friend sent me, that I talked about in my previous post, and it was less hostile than I thought. I realized that I've been aggravated for a long time that our relationship dynamic is that she dumps her problems on me with little consideration for what's going on in my life. This dynamic surpassed the boundaries of normal give and take in friendships, or of mutual support offered in recovery situations. I realize now that I don't need to be useful to someone to be worthwhile. I don't need to be indispensable to be someone's friend. I sent her a friendly note in return, and time will tell where things will go from there. It feels freeing to know in my bones that I don't need to give myself away anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hi everyone,
Glee- I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That's difficult. I don't think it's fair that she's willing to dish out her frustrations but not willing to accept your input. That being said, as you know we really can't control other people's reactions and I'm proud of you for standing your ground yet and seeking out approval. That's something I've been working on as well. It's been extremely difficult for me. I hope you're both able to resolve things and continue your friendship.
Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately. I just found out I have a Nulu in the works It's VERY early, but I'm excited. It'll be several more weeks before I tell my friends and family, but I feel compelled to tell you all because, believe it or not, it has to do with alcohol and only you all understand. Don't worry, I'm NOT drinking (thank God!), but there is some emotional stuff involved here. I know this may be more appropriate for the Moms club forum, but I didn't feel like there was the support there that there is here. As some of you know, I drank while pregnant with my last baby which caused me a tremendous amount of guilt. So far I'm in the best health I've ever been in. I exercise, I eat well, I got all my dental/medical check ups, and I even got my flu shot. I've been cutting way back on caffeine too. This is a complete 180 from last time. I'm sorry to admit that I didn't take very good care of myself, and as I'm taking such good care of myself now with this baby, sometimes I look at my baby boy and some of that guilt creeps back up. If I could change the past, I would in a heartbeat, but I can't. I'm so thankful that he's a healthy little baby and he's so smart. I'm also grateful for where I'm at today and the opportunity to enjoy this pregnancy. Anyway, I feel good but I'm going to ask for your support through this because I absolutely refuse to drink one drop of alcohol during this entire pregnancy. I'm a little scared because I wonder from time to time if my hormones had something to do with my struggle with quitting alcohol during pregnancy.
Ok everyone, I'll check in a little later. I hope you're all doing well
Glee- I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That's difficult. I don't think it's fair that she's willing to dish out her frustrations but not willing to accept your input. That being said, as you know we really can't control other people's reactions and I'm proud of you for standing your ground yet and seeking out approval. That's something I've been working on as well. It's been extremely difficult for me. I hope you're both able to resolve things and continue your friendship.
Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately. I just found out I have a Nulu in the works
It's VERY early, but I'm excited. It'll be several more weeks before I tell my friends and family, but I feel compelled to tell you all because, believe it or not, it has to do with alcohol and only you all understand. Don't worry, I'm NOT drinking (thank God!), but there is some emotional stuff involved here. I know this may be more appropriate for the Moms club forum, but I didn't feel like there was the support there that there is here. As some of you know, I drank while pregnant with my last baby which caused me a tremendous amount of guilt. So far I'm in the best health I've ever been in. I exercise, I eat well, I got all my dental/medical check ups, and I even got my flu shot. I've been cutting way back on caffeine too. This is a complete 180 from last time. I'm sorry to admit that I didn't take very good care of myself, and as I'm taking such good care of myself now with this baby, sometimes I look at my baby boy and some of that guilt creeps back up. If I could change the past, I would in a heartbeat, but I can't. I'm so thankful that he's a healthy little baby and he's so smart. I'm also grateful for where I'm at today and the opportunity to enjoy this pregnancy. Anyway, I feel good but I'm going to ask for your support through this because I absolutely refuse to drink one drop of alcohol during this entire pregnancy. I'm a little scared because I wonder from time to time if my hormones had something to do with my struggle with quitting alcohol during pregnancy. Ok everyone, I'll check in a little later. I hope you're all doing well
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 226
Hi gang,
Just thought Id let you all know. I have to face that Im also a porn addict so Ive started working on that addiction in another forum where its more appropriate to talk about such things. Its hard to run two such threads.
Im still alcohol, drug and gambling free.
Im coping with single life ok but it presents difficulties sex wise or at least makes issues more obvious.
I went to an AA meeting this week not sure why it was terrible I just didn't feel very positive afterwards. The same people in there five years after I first went accepting things they should be changing. they've become so good at turning stuff over to God that they've forgotten some things can be changed! Anyhow...
Unfortunately After spending some time in RCIA I don't think the Catholic church or perhaps even Christianity in general is right for me. Im in the same old place Ive always been: unsure.
At least Im sober and perusing hobbies and relationships with people as time permits. Actually thats pretty good and maybe all there is.
be well all
G
Just thought Id let you all know. I have to face that Im also a porn addict so Ive started working on that addiction in another forum where its more appropriate to talk about such things. Its hard to run two such threads.
Im still alcohol, drug and gambling free.
Im coping with single life ok but it presents difficulties sex wise or at least makes issues more obvious.
I went to an AA meeting this week not sure why it was terrible I just didn't feel very positive afterwards. The same people in there five years after I first went accepting things they should be changing. they've become so good at turning stuff over to God that they've forgotten some things can be changed! Anyhow...
Unfortunately After spending some time in RCIA I don't think the Catholic church or perhaps even Christianity in general is right for me. Im in the same old place Ive always been: unsure.
At least Im sober and perusing hobbies and relationships with people as time permits. Actually thats pretty good and maybe all there is.
be well all
G
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Nice to see you, Gazza.
I greatly admire your self-awareness, honesty and courage to face and battle multiple addictions.
By any chance are you feeling overwhelmed or weary. I ask because I know that I am less 'open' to other's struggles or 'stagnancies' when I am feeling that way. Could that be why AA and RCIA are feeling unfulfilling for you?
You be well, too, Gazza. We Febbies are here for you.
I greatly admire your self-awareness, honesty and courage to face and battle multiple addictions.
By any chance are you feeling overwhelmed or weary. I ask because I know that I am less 'open' to other's struggles or 'stagnancies' when I am feeling that way. Could that be why AA and RCIA are feeling unfulfilling for you?
You be well, too, Gazza. We Febbies are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi Gazza,
It's great to see you. I can relate to having an addictive personality; a certain level of internal spiritual fitness is required for me to face the world without the -aholics and -isms.
My experience with AA is mixed. While I love its principles, I found it challenging to work with a sponsor who took them "too far." For instance I was appalled that she felt that her hp took her fiancée away from her (via death) because she wasn't able to break up with him herself. I'm all for inviting an hp to join me, but I don't expect to sit back while it does all the work.
That said, what I see as one person's misinterpretation of the program cannot ruin it for me. There is so much peace that can be attained from that kind of program. And following the program keeps the addictive behaviors at bay - not just the drinking but also the codependency, anger, and low self esteem.
Regardless of which path you choose, I'm glad you're still facing your challenges. All my best to you!
It's great to see you. I can relate to having an addictive personality; a certain level of internal spiritual fitness is required for me to face the world without the -aholics and -isms.
My experience with AA is mixed. While I love its principles, I found it challenging to work with a sponsor who took them "too far." For instance I was appalled that she felt that her hp took her fiancée away from her (via death) because she wasn't able to break up with him herself. I'm all for inviting an hp to join me, but I don't expect to sit back while it does all the work.
That said, what I see as one person's misinterpretation of the program cannot ruin it for me. There is so much peace that can be attained from that kind of program. And following the program keeps the addictive behaviors at bay - not just the drinking but also the codependency, anger, and low self esteem.
Regardless of which path you choose, I'm glad you're still facing your challenges. All my best to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Lulu!
There's going to be a New-Lu!
To go with the New You!
Woo Hoo!
Gazza my friend, glad to hear from you mate, I know what you mean about the feeling of being unsure. I'm curious, have you heard of Rational Recovery? I've been reading it and I can tell you it's been a massive, massive help. I'd recommend it if AA isn't working for you.
Rational Recovery and AVRT have really struck a chord with me, I'm curious if anyone else has found it helpful? I'm glad to have a model of support that does away with some of the more confusing AA principles.
Hope all are well out there Febbies,
Glad to hear people doing so good
Peace and strength
There's going to be a New-Lu!
To go with the New You!
Woo Hoo!
Gazza my friend, glad to hear from you mate, I know what you mean about the feeling of being unsure. I'm curious, have you heard of Rational Recovery? I've been reading it and I can tell you it's been a massive, massive help. I'd recommend it if AA isn't working for you.
Rational Recovery and AVRT have really struck a chord with me, I'm curious if anyone else has found it helpful? I'm glad to have a model of support that does away with some of the more confusing AA principles.
Hope all are well out there Febbies,
Glad to hear people doing so good
Peace and strength
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
LS- I love the little poem! I found RR and AVRT extremely helpful. I use SMART too and it uses a lot of the same things as RR/ AVRT. I liked AA, but the others helped fill in the gaps for me where I struggled with the HP idea. In fact, ever since I started exploring other recovery programs I've stayed sober.
Glee- There are some people in AA that take it very extreme. There were several people in my home group that would talk like that about their HP. But, you're right, you can't let it ruin the program for you. I wrote a blog that kind of explains why the HP thing didn't work for me. In summary: Do I have an HP? Yes, very much so. Does my HP give a hoot about me and answer my prayers? No. It wasn't until I took my sobriety into my control that I managed to stay sober. I did it through SMART/ RR/ AVRT. I suppose some could argue that that was the doing of my HP. Perhaps.
Gazza- I think it's pretty common to have multiple addictions. You're very self aware and you're doing great.
Well, I've been twice as tired as usual and I've had to cut back my caffeine like 75%. I was drinking 2 cups of coffee and 3 diet cokes a day. Now I'm just having 1 coffee and 1 diet coke. It sucks. I hate water. *whine* Hubby says I've been a lot more grumpy. I really don't intend to be. Frankly, I feel like he's been pushing my buttons more. Either way, I don't want to be moody just because of my hormones. I want to keep the zen thing I had going on! Well... as much zen as I had anyway. On a good note, I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. But I do think about my Febbies and I hope you're all doing well!
Glee- There are some people in AA that take it very extreme. There were several people in my home group that would talk like that about their HP. But, you're right, you can't let it ruin the program for you. I wrote a blog that kind of explains why the HP thing didn't work for me. In summary: Do I have an HP? Yes, very much so. Does my HP give a hoot about me and answer my prayers? No. It wasn't until I took my sobriety into my control that I managed to stay sober. I did it through SMART/ RR/ AVRT. I suppose some could argue that that was the doing of my HP. Perhaps.
Gazza- I think it's pretty common to have multiple addictions. You're very self aware and you're doing great.
Well, I've been twice as tired as usual and I've had to cut back my caffeine like 75%. I was drinking 2 cups of coffee and 3 diet cokes a day. Now I'm just having 1 coffee and 1 diet coke. It sucks. I hate water. *whine* Hubby says I've been a lot more grumpy. I really don't intend to be. Frankly, I feel like he's been pushing my buttons more. Either way, I don't want to be moody just because of my hormones. I want to keep the zen thing I had going on! Well... as much zen as I had anyway. On a good note, I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. But I do think about my Febbies and I hope you're all doing well!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Lulu - I'm happy that you aren't interested in drinking (I love reading your grats). I'm also happy that get to experience this pregnancy not just sober, but in recovery.
How are you feeling? Pregnancy's effects on mood and demeanor cannot be underestimated! I found that overall I was more sentimental than usual during my first pregnancy. During my second, I was busy chasing around a hyperactive two year old, my mother was diagnosed with MS and my best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I didn't give myself time or space to notice changes. I worried that if I sat with my thoughts, I'd break from the weight of my worries. The result is that my worries exponentially multiplied and I turned to heavy drinking very shortly after my second son was born. Now I know I can face my stress, but then I didn't have faith in myself. My advice is to take time for yourself no matter what your obligations.
Have a wonderful day Febbies!!
How are you feeling? Pregnancy's effects on mood and demeanor cannot be underestimated! I found that overall I was more sentimental than usual during my first pregnancy. During my second, I was busy chasing around a hyperactive two year old, my mother was diagnosed with MS and my best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I didn't give myself time or space to notice changes. I worried that if I sat with my thoughts, I'd break from the weight of my worries. The result is that my worries exponentially multiplied and I turned to heavy drinking very shortly after my second son was born. Now I know I can face my stress, but then I didn't have faith in myself. My advice is to take time for yourself no matter what your obligations.
Have a wonderful day Febbies!!
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