One Year and Over Club Part 19
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Our youngest is 37, lef de trailer at 18 years ta build hiz own livin place. We been able ta run nekkid all over the shack, an even ta the outhouse an back, for decades! Ah know her. Well ah know all the impotent stuff! We haz two chirren doan we??
Just kidding DD! you are right to come here and vent a bit, we can take it, more to the point, we all know how every negative emotion feels too. What do you think we all were drinking for, our health?
The question you have to ask is whether you like it that way or not, and don't forget to ask hubby if that is what he wants. Remember you can't change another so all you can do is talk, and if needed get a trained facilitator (counselor) to communicate and settle important issues like that. But you have to go first and then see what you can do to feel more intimate beyond just the fun stuff.
See, we always have a choice. At work we can put up with an emotionally abusive boss or not. Yes many folks say that they would then be fired. I never said choices don't have consequences. I am living with the consequences of financial decisions I made years ago, personal decisions I made four years ago about smoking and drinking, and relationship decisions I made 42 years ago. I am really happy with them. Or not unhappy which sometimes is as good as it gets for some aspects of life. I am not unhappy about my lawnmower even when I have to rebuild the three deck spindles and three idler pulleys. Maintenance is preventive, or it is called replace and repair if you wait until it fails. Not having any negatives and being polite is a great starting place. Now that you are sober ask him what you can do to blossom for him. You might find he blossoms right back. I agree with you guys that you can decide not to repeat what your parents put you through. Just remember it takes only one Psychologist to change a light bulb, but it really has to want to change. We change ourselves, not others.
Everyone usually figures out that serenity is no fun until we are serene enough to enjoy it. And gains its best radiance when we can share serenity with another we "love."
DD thanks for cashing my reality check. I am usually not wrong about my perceptions because I assume they are wrong then ask some non emotional questions politely. I am glad to hear though that I wasn't the only one. Lots of folks can't ask for what they want, a big codie issue. Assertiveness training only helps when a person wants to not manipulate. My AW still thinks she can read minds if she overdoes it a bit. I ask her to stop once and if she is past listening, I just leave and go for a ride for an hour. She has lots of self control, and never take the I was just emotional as an excuse. The telling sign is no apologies immediately after with mine. She is her own problem not mine as far as her choices are concerned. If I can't live with them I don't have to. Like driving in the evening, us sober folks can go whenever we need to, sometimes with packed bags.
Infg,
Oops! I had to check if you had sent me one. I never send a friend request for many of the same reasons I won't do Face Crook. Everyone I know including my kids are on it, and lots of folks here. Now before you think ,me an old luddite, I have been doing computers, social interactions, and even have my very own website that openly gives out my email address to the world. I have the latest Windows phone to get away from Android because they eavesdrop on everything done on their programs they give us free, including but not limited to reading all ***** and listening to all Google Voice calls. This done by machine so they never take any personally identifiable data that tells them who you are so they can present tailored ads and make your surfing more pleasant and productive! Ahhh so nice. Waitaminnit! If they don't know who I am how do they send me ads and just after telling my friend I was the first guy to ever get pregnant sending me ads for cribs and androgynous maternity pants, huh?
I do not do FaceCrook because it was designed as a popularity tool for College people by their fellow students. Seems to work for adults too. I interact here, and rarely anywhere else. I will accept friend requests just to not have someone think me a boor. But I won't ask for one back. I am sure not out for popularity but also like some feedback and recognition like anyone else. I have walls full of plaques and file cabinets filled with decorations and kudos for one thing or another from my military career, and with all those, and a dollar I can get a coffee at MacDs.
But here I do feel slighted too if I post a kudo to another here and they don't even say thanks or they agree or not. So don't feel alone. We are all fragile to a greater or lesser extent. It sounds as if you are handling it splendidly by venting with us, not at us. Some folks hate long posts and will not like mine at all and skip them I hope. But I am not a three line poster as a substitute for real communication.
I do not Tweet, FaceCrook, or do any other social media but put my writing out on my website and I get lots of emails that are positive. Most say things like they fell off their chair they were laughing so hard. I like those and answer all of them. But when I was very active on one forum I got some two others who were playing king of the hill games with me and I put a stop to that. But being what I called the Itchy admiration society, sewing circle and timing association rears its ugly head I felt very uncomfortable. What can one say to "You are the greatest! No one comes close!" I can't agree, and nay other thing like thanks for your gracious words wasn't working quite right. I finally settled on just thank you. So I made the website to field a lot of that stuff and now do not have to spend all day posting and responding. I let the king of the hill person win over at that RV website and now he is happy not having a life while I do! So remember that we are all, like you, very focused on life revolving around us, until we remember Rule 62! ( Mr. R. Zipperman taught me that one)
Dee manages to be perfect in three lines to say what I took a page to put down. But he is the Australian not the Roo, err I meant the exception not the rule.
RZ yer sniffer is open?
DG me too!
LSC 1,
I am re-tired. This means I have all the time in the world to spend in all the time I have left unless my timing is right. Sort of like my politics. I am left on the right issues, and right on what's left. I left that right in front of you to consider. Take all the time you need. Don't make here an obligation. I have entirely too much time on my hands when I am procrastinating a complete system image before they replace my motherboard tomorrow under warranty.
(Sorry I am in a great mood and home alone! Now you know when I write these epics that I am avoiding something I really want to do, but misplaced my Round Tuit) SWMBO will be here shortly for my companionship and more.
Just kidding DD! you are right to come here and vent a bit, we can take it, more to the point, we all know how every negative emotion feels too. What do you think we all were drinking for, our health?
The question you have to ask is whether you like it that way or not, and don't forget to ask hubby if that is what he wants. Remember you can't change another so all you can do is talk, and if needed get a trained facilitator (counselor) to communicate and settle important issues like that. But you have to go first and then see what you can do to feel more intimate beyond just the fun stuff.
See, we always have a choice. At work we can put up with an emotionally abusive boss or not. Yes many folks say that they would then be fired. I never said choices don't have consequences. I am living with the consequences of financial decisions I made years ago, personal decisions I made four years ago about smoking and drinking, and relationship decisions I made 42 years ago. I am really happy with them. Or not unhappy which sometimes is as good as it gets for some aspects of life. I am not unhappy about my lawnmower even when I have to rebuild the three deck spindles and three idler pulleys. Maintenance is preventive, or it is called replace and repair if you wait until it fails. Not having any negatives and being polite is a great starting place. Now that you are sober ask him what you can do to blossom for him. You might find he blossoms right back. I agree with you guys that you can decide not to repeat what your parents put you through. Just remember it takes only one Psychologist to change a light bulb, but it really has to want to change. We change ourselves, not others.
Everyone usually figures out that serenity is no fun until we are serene enough to enjoy it. And gains its best radiance when we can share serenity with another we "love."
DD thanks for cashing my reality check. I am usually not wrong about my perceptions because I assume they are wrong then ask some non emotional questions politely. I am glad to hear though that I wasn't the only one. Lots of folks can't ask for what they want, a big codie issue. Assertiveness training only helps when a person wants to not manipulate. My AW still thinks she can read minds if she overdoes it a bit. I ask her to stop once and if she is past listening, I just leave and go for a ride for an hour. She has lots of self control, and never take the I was just emotional as an excuse. The telling sign is no apologies immediately after with mine. She is her own problem not mine as far as her choices are concerned. If I can't live with them I don't have to. Like driving in the evening, us sober folks can go whenever we need to, sometimes with packed bags.
Infg,
Oops! I had to check if you had sent me one. I never send a friend request for many of the same reasons I won't do Face Crook. Everyone I know including my kids are on it, and lots of folks here. Now before you think ,me an old luddite, I have been doing computers, social interactions, and even have my very own website that openly gives out my email address to the world. I have the latest Windows phone to get away from Android because they eavesdrop on everything done on their programs they give us free, including but not limited to reading all ***** and listening to all Google Voice calls. This done by machine so they never take any personally identifiable data that tells them who you are so they can present tailored ads and make your surfing more pleasant and productive! Ahhh so nice. Waitaminnit! If they don't know who I am how do they send me ads and just after telling my friend I was the first guy to ever get pregnant sending me ads for cribs and androgynous maternity pants, huh?
I do not do FaceCrook because it was designed as a popularity tool for College people by their fellow students. Seems to work for adults too. I interact here, and rarely anywhere else. I will accept friend requests just to not have someone think me a boor. But I won't ask for one back. I am sure not out for popularity but also like some feedback and recognition like anyone else. I have walls full of plaques and file cabinets filled with decorations and kudos for one thing or another from my military career, and with all those, and a dollar I can get a coffee at MacDs.
But here I do feel slighted too if I post a kudo to another here and they don't even say thanks or they agree or not. So don't feel alone. We are all fragile to a greater or lesser extent. It sounds as if you are handling it splendidly by venting with us, not at us. Some folks hate long posts and will not like mine at all and skip them I hope. But I am not a three line poster as a substitute for real communication.
I do not Tweet, FaceCrook, or do any other social media but put my writing out on my website and I get lots of emails that are positive. Most say things like they fell off their chair they were laughing so hard. I like those and answer all of them. But when I was very active on one forum I got some two others who were playing king of the hill games with me and I put a stop to that. But being what I called the Itchy admiration society, sewing circle and timing association rears its ugly head I felt very uncomfortable. What can one say to "You are the greatest! No one comes close!" I can't agree, and nay other thing like thanks for your gracious words wasn't working quite right. I finally settled on just thank you. So I made the website to field a lot of that stuff and now do not have to spend all day posting and responding. I let the king of the hill person win over at that RV website and now he is happy not having a life while I do! So remember that we are all, like you, very focused on life revolving around us, until we remember Rule 62! ( Mr. R. Zipperman taught me that one)
Dee manages to be perfect in three lines to say what I took a page to put down. But he is the Australian not the Roo, err I meant the exception not the rule.
RZ yer sniffer is open?
DG me too!
LSC 1,
I am re-tired. This means I have all the time in the world to spend in all the time I have left unless my timing is right. Sort of like my politics. I am left on the right issues, and right on what's left. I left that right in front of you to consider. Take all the time you need. Don't make here an obligation. I have entirely too much time on my hands when I am procrastinating a complete system image before they replace my motherboard tomorrow under warranty.
(Sorry I am in a great mood and home alone! Now you know when I write these epics that I am avoiding something I really want to do, but misplaced my Round Tuit) SWMBO will be here shortly for my companionship and more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thanks for the wise advice, Itchy. I have known my husband since I was 18 and our 20th wedding anniversary is coming up. Together we have weathered some big storms. I think I have changed so much in the last year in getting sober, that I fear more upset in what have traditionally been very stable areas of my life. Luckily, I have no problems communicating my concerns to my husband because we both value our marriage greatly. 
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
RZ!
I can't believe I typo'd 43 instead of 42 which everyone knows is the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!
DD,
Congrats on your longevity too! We are pretty laid back except when my Significant Harassment (SH) starts building up her resentments under the influence. My sobriety seemed to be a problem for her right at a year or so of my sobriety.
Backing up my data to be ready for a computer mobo change tomorrow.
I can't believe I typo'd 43 instead of 42 which everyone knows is the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!
DD,
Congrats on your longevity too! We are pretty laid back except when my Significant Harassment (SH) starts building up her resentments under the influence. My sobriety seemed to be a problem for her right at a year or so of my sobriety.
Backing up my data to be ready for a computer mobo change tomorrow.
Sober date 5/1/13
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 3,547
Good morning Overs.
Strange 24hrs here. Itchy and I have been swapping humidity related stories. This opened a bag of worms for me. I was going to tie it back up but that's not a good thing to do.
I've put the edited version in the recovery stories section.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4929283
It's not complete I will never know all of what happened myself. Some of what I can remember frightens me.
I have work to do on me but I'm not sure where or how to start.
Strange 24hrs here. Itchy and I have been swapping humidity related stories. This opened a bag of worms for me. I was going to tie it back up but that's not a good thing to do.
I've put the edited version in the recovery stories section.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4929283
It's not complete I will never know all of what happened myself. Some of what I can remember frightens me.
I have work to do on me but I'm not sure where or how to start.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
Toots - thanks for asking about my niece - she is doing a lot better and has been moved out of intensive care and to a completely different hospital / care setting for rehabilitation which is much closer to her parents' home. She can lift one thumb to show a 'thumbs up' and therefore communication is improving a lot. She is being worked hard by the new setting (e.g. being held on a fitness ball, to try to get some strength back in her legs) and apparently gives a little sigh as if to say 'thank goodness I managed that one'! after the end of each 'task'. The pathology on the cancerous tumour has concluded that it grew over a period of 2 - 6 months, so pretty quick I think. I am keeping track of day to day proceedings and generally it is all positive, although it will take many months / years (?) for significant progress.
DorothyParker - it is astounding the amount people in general drink. I think that this, unfortunately, did not help my slow slide into alcoholic drinking and, also, did not highlight the fact that I was actively alcoholic to myself or anyone around me. I think that unless there is a major change in the way that the general population think / accept / believe / whatever, we are going to see many many more 'hidden' active alcoholics over the next 10 - 20 years.
DoubleDragons - yay!!! It's just great to see you here! Congratulations and major welcome
Itchy - your post made me lol a lot - I think I will start calling FB FaceCrook now - heehee!
Everyone - it is soooo good to pop in today and read
DorothyParker - it is astounding the amount people in general drink. I think that this, unfortunately, did not help my slow slide into alcoholic drinking and, also, did not highlight the fact that I was actively alcoholic to myself or anyone around me. I think that unless there is a major change in the way that the general population think / accept / believe / whatever, we are going to see many many more 'hidden' active alcoholics over the next 10 - 20 years.
DoubleDragons - yay!!! It's just great to see you here! Congratulations and major welcome
Itchy - your post made me lol a lot - I think I will start calling FB FaceCrook now - heehee!
Everyone - it is soooo good to pop in today and read
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Andy, I really liked your story. As a mother of four children, who have alcoholic "genes" all over both sides of our family, I am grateful to hear that those AA men and their stories stayed in your head, even as you had to take your alcoholic journey. I pray that my kids will remember everything I have told them about alcoholism and that witnessing their grandmother's extreme alcoholism will have an impact on them when they make their choices. Thanks for sharing!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,171
Just a quick check in as I am still mid-sort. We have moved into the new apartment and I am busy up packing everything & ironing hubby's shirts. There is a gym at this appt which charges monthly. Originally I wasn't going to bother as I am only here for just over 2 weeks before I fly home, but then I thought well if I pay it it will give me the incentive to use it every day to get my money's worth! It has a pool and I love swimming but don't get chance to do much at home. Used the gym and the pool today.
Good to see you DD and congratulations on your first year. Like you, this was a target for me, and I felt wonderful the day I 'qualified' for my first post!
Itchy thanks for the change in the dynamics of your relationship with your sobriety, I was very much a codependent in my first marriage, things are more eve footed now with the current Mr Toots!
FG great news on your nieces progress, but what a rapid tumour I hope she will continue progressing.
Infg, I think we all get bruised egos at times, it is ridiculous how fragile mine can be sometimes, I get all upset over the dumbest things, usually because the other person involved isn't psychic enough to know what I want without me having to spell it out!
LSC ( hugs)
Andy thanks for the share.
Must dash , hubby is heading home and I need to have a meal prepared, be looking pretty and standing by the door with his pipe and slippers..... Sorry, must have fallen into a 50s time warp just then!!
Good to see you DD and congratulations on your first year. Like you, this was a target for me, and I felt wonderful the day I 'qualified' for my first post!
Itchy thanks for the change in the dynamics of your relationship with your sobriety, I was very much a codependent in my first marriage, things are more eve footed now with the current Mr Toots!
FG great news on your nieces progress, but what a rapid tumour I hope she will continue progressing.
Infg, I think we all get bruised egos at times, it is ridiculous how fragile mine can be sometimes, I get all upset over the dumbest things, usually because the other person involved isn't psychic enough to know what I want without me having to spell it out!
LSC ( hugs)
Andy thanks for the share.
Must dash , hubby is heading home and I need to have a meal prepared, be looking pretty and standing by the door with his pipe and slippers..... Sorry, must have fallen into a 50s time warp just then!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
We moved into the new flat yesrerday, and it is without a doubt the nicest place I've ever lived in. Big, bright, private garden. Quiet. After the crazy places I've been living in the last few months it's a relief to be able to relax, finally, and feel like "I've arrived". My flatmate is great too. I have a job interview for a writing job today, wish me luck!!!
FG-so glad to hear about your neice.
FG-so glad to hear about your neice.
Sober date 5/1/13
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 3,547
Good morning Overs.
fg - that's great news about your niece. I hope her improvement continues.
DD - thank you. It's good to know writing my story down is helping someone.
Toots - enjoy your swimming.
IP - Welcome to your new home.
fg - that's great news about your niece. I hope her improvement continues.
DD - thank you. It's good to know writing my story down is helping someone.
Toots - enjoy your swimming.
IP - Welcome to your new home.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,171
Originally Posted by Dee74 
LOL no...I have more hair Drake 
D
D
If I'm not too late, good luck IP. If I am.... Congratulations! I knew you would get it! ( how's that fort he power of positive thinking!) I'm glad you like your new flat!
Drake you are sounding so much happier, I hope the pills are continuing to help you.
All good here, just away to start another workout/ swim. It is a good way to kick start my day. ( after 3 hefty doses of caffeine of course!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Coastal Massachusetts
Posts: 1,637
Hi folks,
I passed 18 months last week. It's hard to believe that I let booze keep me from living. At 36 I'm the dad and husband that I always wanted to be. But, I still smoke. I run 40 miles a week, and training for my second Half Marathon. But, I can't quit. I hate that I do this. Smoking is a daily regret that I need to tackle. Have a blessed day.
Matthew
I passed 18 months last week. It's hard to believe that I let booze keep me from living. At 36 I'm the dad and husband that I always wanted to be. But, I still smoke. I run 40 miles a week, and training for my second Half Marathon. But, I can't quit. I hate that I do this. Smoking is a daily regret that I need to tackle. Have a blessed day.
Matthew
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
IP, you sound so happy in your new place. I think your "nest" is so important. We moved to a new state 3 years ago and we have lived in two different rental homes since moving here (long complicated story). Anyway, we plan on buying a home this winter, but I am not finding anything that I like and I am stressed about moving all over again. I hope to find a place that makes me feel as good as you sound.
My husband had been on a work trip for most of this week and he came back last night. He really took my discussion about emotional intimacy to heart and was very loving and attentive. It really felt good to see how much he still really cares about my feelings. We are both just going to have to work on not being lazy about our relationship.
FG, I will keep your niece in my prayers.
My husband had been on a work trip for most of this week and he came back last night. He really took my discussion about emotional intimacy to heart and was very loving and attentive. It really felt good to see how much he still really cares about my feelings. We are both just going to have to work on not being lazy about our relationship.
FG, I will keep your niece in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Hi Overs.
I'm struggling a bit today with some resentments and frustrations. The car I'm trying to get fixed up is still having some issues- it won't start reliably, and although I think I've finally figured out what is wrong, the piece is up under the dashboard and difficult to get to. I didn't want to put this much work into the car- it's not worth all that much and I am starting to feel like selling it cheap, dirty and not starting and spending the time working at my real job would have been a better plan. BUT, it is proving to be a learning experience for me and you can't underestimate the value of things learned and experience gained.
It also triggers these feelings of loneliness, resentment and insecurity. I don't have anyone that can help me with it. I'm in a long-distance relationship, and I know my bf would help me if he was here- but he's not and I haven't gotten to see him in months and I struggle with that. The co-dependent in me wants to stay stuck on that line of thinking.
The good thing is that recovery has given me a lot of coping skills for dealing with stuff like this and I can take a look and re-examine my thinking. I am not going to hinge my happiness on whether or not I get to see my bf, whether or not he is here to help me with stuff like my car or on whether or not the car starts. I am a smart, fully competent person and it may be a challenge for me to fix the car, but I am smart enough to figure it out on my own. I know that the car and the feelings it triggers are seperate issues in a lot of ways, too. I'm not in a relationship because I'm looking for somebody to take care of me or do stuff for me anyway.
Writing this stuff out always helps. So, the plan for the day is to focus on today and the things I need and want to get done. One thing I appreciate about my recovery is my ability to more quicklly work through whatever problems I may be facing (or making up in my head) and getting back to a place of peace, confidence and effective living.
I'm struggling a bit today with some resentments and frustrations. The car I'm trying to get fixed up is still having some issues- it won't start reliably, and although I think I've finally figured out what is wrong, the piece is up under the dashboard and difficult to get to. I didn't want to put this much work into the car- it's not worth all that much and I am starting to feel like selling it cheap, dirty and not starting and spending the time working at my real job would have been a better plan. BUT, it is proving to be a learning experience for me and you can't underestimate the value of things learned and experience gained.
It also triggers these feelings of loneliness, resentment and insecurity. I don't have anyone that can help me with it. I'm in a long-distance relationship, and I know my bf would help me if he was here- but he's not and I haven't gotten to see him in months and I struggle with that. The co-dependent in me wants to stay stuck on that line of thinking.
The good thing is that recovery has given me a lot of coping skills for dealing with stuff like this and I can take a look and re-examine my thinking. I am not going to hinge my happiness on whether or not I get to see my bf, whether or not he is here to help me with stuff like my car or on whether or not the car starts. I am a smart, fully competent person and it may be a challenge for me to fix the car, but I am smart enough to figure it out on my own. I know that the car and the feelings it triggers are seperate issues in a lot of ways, too. I'm not in a relationship because I'm looking for somebody to take care of me or do stuff for me anyway.
Writing this stuff out always helps. So, the plan for the day is to focus on today and the things I need and want to get done. One thing I appreciate about my recovery is my ability to more quicklly work through whatever problems I may be facing (or making up in my head) and getting back to a place of peace, confidence and effective living.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,183
Bravo! Thanks for the post, DG. Hey, if we are building a sober toolbox, why not just go ahead and use it. Sure beats just wishing and hoping for more or different to fuel a regret or resentments. Once again you inspire me. Thanks!
Toots, not sure how many of those things you ACTUALLY did but me thinks you did a few of them just because it was sweet and the next right thing for a 2014ish woman to do to make hubby feel good. Haha, your softie good side shows. No, don't do it Carlos...you can make it through this without... Toots dear, you inspire me also, my long time Undie/Limerick partner in crime!!
So glad I dropped by here today. THREE WEEKS to go till I get my driving privileges restored. I can feel it...seriously. My isolation has been a struggle, but much like DG discusses in her post, out of my control, so why not just go with it and be grateful for what I do have and grow my recovery through it...not around it with regret and resentments. Consequently, lemonade for sale here...just for today, so you better hurry.
Hope all have a fun and profitable day.
Carlos
Toots, not sure how many of those things you ACTUALLY did but me thinks you did a few of them just because it was sweet and the next right thing for a 2014ish woman to do to make hubby feel good. Haha, your softie good side shows. No, don't do it Carlos...you can make it through this without...
Toots dear, you inspire me also, my long time Undie/Limerick partner in crime!!So glad I dropped by here today. THREE WEEKS to go till I get my driving privileges restored. I can feel it...seriously. My isolation has been a struggle, but much like DG discusses in her post, out of my control, so why not just go with it and be grateful for what I do have and grow my recovery through it...not around it with regret and resentments. Consequently, lemonade for sale here...just for today, so you better hurry.
Hope all have a fun and profitable day.
Carlos
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