gleefan

Woo hoo! It's amazing how alcohol poisoned my life when I look back to how I was functioning a year or two ago compared to today.

Lulu - Good luck on your exam.

LS - keep at it! You've got this.

Have a good day/night!

SoberLeigh

Go Febbies!!!!!

casinva

LS - GREAT list! GREAT attitude! You're definitely in the right line of work with your positive, "can-do" attitude! I might have to fly you over here to whip me into shape! Is your poetry for sale in the UK? Can you send me the info as I'd love to purchase it. I can get my cousin in Scotland to order it if it's not available stateside.

Lulu, good luck on your exam tomorrow! I had to chuckle at your comment about being worried about not being worried. I'm finding myself doing that lately. Geez, we're never content, are we?

Soberleigh - I find certain books can be triggers for me as well. Funny how that AV works sometimes.

Glee, hope you're doing well!

Well, my MIL arrives tonight. Hubby was supposed to work tomorrow but decided to take off to spend some time with his mother. I believe that was code for "I don't want to leave you alone with her for too long." I'm fortunate that he understands. It will be nice having him home for 2 days straight.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

LonelyShadow

Thanks Casinva! I see a lot of parallels with fitness and sobriety and for me they kind of go hand in hand, the concept of perseverance through adversity, mental strength, listening to and looking after your body and planning ahead help me achieve strength and fitness as well as sobriety. I also find that when I adhere to my training diet my alcohol cravings are much less severe, I think it's because the fat-loss diet includes a lot of low GI foods (Like sweet-potato and brown rice) and that prevents spikes in blood sugar. A high blood-sugar content leads to highs and lows in mood and I think my body sort of 'remembers' being in an alcoholic state when it has high blood sugar, so I stick to my sweet potato and rice and I feel more mellow and stable.

In addition to this being in the gym is a place I feel very in control, there are many things in life that are outside of our control but my body is not one of them, so getting into the gym and doing these routines is very therapeutic to me. And being strong raises my confidence in such a way that when I've had a good day of weight training I feel strong enough that I could take a tour of a real-ale brewery and not feel tempted!

And the motivational concepts are the same too, it's not the guy who gets dealt the best hand who wins, not the guy who was born with good genes or the one with the best start. The guy who wins is the guy who perseveres, in training you play the long game, slow, steady progression. That's how I see sobriety now, playing the long game. Some days it's tough, but you get through it sober and you win that day at all costs. Because when you add up all those days, that makes the difference between winning and losing. And ultimately, between living and dying.

LonelyShadow

(Oh and my poetry collections are only available on Kindle, if you have a kindle PM me and I'll send you the link

gleefan

Hi Febbies -

LS - I think it's interesting that not being able to weight train triggers you. I think I understand how that feels.

Over the years, when I feel "out of control", finding a way to get back into control has led to more isms - some other compulsive behavior that ultimately hurts me. When I first quit drinking, I took up exercise, but with my heel injury, it wasn't possible! So I took up compulsive eating of sugar! I gained 30 pounds. Finally, it seemed to make sense to cut my isms at their root. What are compulsive behaviors, really, except ways of numbing me from what comes my way? You know I'm not religious, and that my faith is in its infancy, but if I let my HP do its will, and put my faith that it wants me to feel whatever comes my way, then I don't need to use compulsive behavior to control the way I feel. I say the serenity prayer a lot. I am developing faith that what's happening in my life is what needs to happen in order for me to be the best I can be.

The way I see it, being willful, fearful, and compulsive got me...an alcohol addiction, a marriage to a controlling and unhappy guy, a lot of career opportunities that I was never able to get off the ground, isolation. It's only been in acceptance that I've found love, joy, gratitude, and authenticity.

Have a great day, Febbies!

tornrealization

I'm really happy to see the successes on here. I'm glad I'm still a part of this. I'm struggling - and I didn't think I'd be the one to struggle. I get my good grades in school, work hard for good reviews but that doesn't help my problem. Drinks - seem so innocent, then it's blacked out crazy time.

I'm reading a book about quitting drinks without AA and it had a checklist of stuff you've done. I answered yes to nearly all questions. It said if you answered yes to 1 or 2, you may have a problem, 3 for sure you have a problem. I answered yes to like 14. What does that mean? You're the biggest alcoholic known to man???

Ok ok. Well today we are going boating with my father. I told him weeks ago I was in hospital for too high BAC - .33 that time. Yikes. So he's taking us on a scenic route vs. the normal bar crawl. I'm excited. Dad is a drinker too, bet he'll have his beers, but not making it a bar crawl at my request means we're getting a new tour of the river. So excited.

LonelyShadow

It's okay Torn I'm struggling too, the war for me is by no means won. I'm sorry to hear you're still in the thick of it. Remember that you're still you, listen to that voice deep inside that wants the best for you and wants to pull you out.

I don't think that checklist sounds all that helpful to be honest, I don't think you're the biggest alcoholic known to man, for one thing you're on this site and still looking to recover, that's a GIANT step in the right direction.

I'm rooting for you Torn, dig deep, get better

Dee74

I had all the grades and academic awards in the world...I fought and achieved a lot against some pretty big odds - but addiction beat me too Torn.

Addictions very visceral. It becomes hard to know where we end and it begins.

That's why it's really hard to think our way out of it, and that's why I think action is worth all the books in the world.

The part of you that presents drinks as innocent, or suggests that things will be different this time is a liar that won;t stop until you put a stop to it.

D

SoberLife2014

Hi peeps,

I did my exam today and passed Woo hoo! I enjoyed the course and I learned a lot. I felt a twinge of self doubt creep in at first because I realized I was surrounded by ER nurses, a physician, and a flight paramedic/RN, and here's little ol' me... stay at home mom... haven't had to do CPR in like 4 years, let alone advanced cardiac life support. It didn't matter though. That crap has been so ingrained in my brain from YEARS of emergency medical training. It made me miss it too...
After 5 hours of that I came home, rested for an hour, and then went to a baby shower for my neighbor, who I hardly know. I knew today was going to be a busy day, but what I didn't expect was the physical toll it took on me. I am EXHAUSTED and I have had an absolutely brutal headache ever since the class. I've taken tons of ibuprofen and I also haven't had an appetite and have been nauseated. What's up with that? Am I just getting old or something? Was it anxiety? Because I honestly didn't feel THAT anxious.
Nonetheless, I'm glad I did it all. I'm glad it's done. I'm glad I went to the baby shower even though I didn't have to. I'm very much an introvert and the idea of going to a baby shower with a bunch of ladies I hardly know would have made me bring out the excuse list of absenteeism immediately. I went because I need to make some friends. I've felt sorry for myself ever since I moved from my home town and away from my family. It's time to grow up. It's time to take care of myself. No more feeling sorry for myself and drinking it away. And sometimes I have to force myself to do things I may not want to do for the sake of... well, me. Time to grow up and go to the baby showers, write thank you notes to those that came to the baby's birthday party, put away the nintendo games and go to a play date. No more social life via World of Warcraft. Get up, get out, get stuff done, and take care of myself. Stuff "normal" people do, I guess.

gleefan

I agree with Dee. I HAD to do things differently in order to replace my addictive behavior with healthy behavior. That meant telling people who I drank with that I don't drink anymore. That meant skipping parties and events with drinking. That meant staying away from situations that were emotionally charged to avoid triggering cravings. That meant creating escape plans from events I felt that I "had" to go to.

Those actions require diligent practice to become routine. Additionally, I wake up every day reminding myself that I need to be diligent.

Today I went to a party. I didn't feel any cravings before the party, but I know that doesn't mean that I won't get one. To be diligent, I called my sponsor to let her know I was going to a party. I have the phone numbers of a few alcoholics in my phone in case I felt an urge to drink. I had an escape plan. All this for a party!! I ended up having a nice time. These days it doesn't bother me not to be drinking, like it did in the early months of my sobriety.

Today someone asked why I wasn't drinking, and someone joked, "don't you know she doesn't drink anymore?" Then said, "Just kidding, obviously I know you do." I told them that actually I don't drink anymore. No one cared that I was drinking water, and no one wanted me to drink alcohol. When they were done drinking, they moved on to water or soda - something I never, ever was able to do as a drinker. I'm in awe of the normies' ability to stop drinking. I am. If I still drank, chances are high that I would have passed out two hours ago. My husband is still drinking tonight. He's doesn't slow down, or change over to water or soda.

Feeling lonely and alone tonight living with an alcoholic.

Oh well. Have a good rest of the weekend.

Gazza

we'll done on the exam Lulu.

TR I'd be keen to read some short stories so keep me in the loop.

Glee I relate to the lonely and the living with an alcoholic.

I'm having waves of grief. I felt like I was better a week ago. but it's only been 3 weeks. I bought her car which while a good deal is very triggering (grief wise). Made sense financially, I guess Ill get used to it.

I'm trying to do things for myself so last night I went and watched an orchestra play was excellent and very affordable. I also bought the Goldfinches this years Pulitzer winner for fiction. so I'm getting a bit fancy, but I enjoy treating myself. I've been meditating for the last week again and found a Christian meditation group to go to.

I'm also reading an article about addiction. It has a list of activities that many successful quitters have in common. I'll try summarise it for you.

be well all.

G

tornrealization

Gazza, I look forward to your summary of the article. I seem to go through bouts of yes,I quit! Then I can't quit. Then it becomes ugly cycle of being mad at myself for not quitting.

Glee, I'm sorry your hubby still drinks. That is something I'll be dealing with, might be a problem I don't want to face. Big hugs to you.

tornrealization

This might be strange but I want to talk about my pets a little bit instead of beating myself up about drinking.

I have 3 cats all over the age 10. Which scares me. I have my first kitty who is a tabby and 14 years old. She is high on life, demands attention. She's been overweight so I think her happiness is her longevity. She used to have skin issues - peeling and flakey but we switched to expensive food without grains and her coat is shiny and she's chasing toys again. It makes me sad my mom always asks if she has died yet.

Then My second and third kitties have very long coats which mat and they get mad if you try to brush them. So we get them shaved, in which they become nervous messes and sit on us for months. We tried the vet once who gave our cats knock out gas and one almost died, we had to bring her back to be warmed and watched. So now we just go to regular groomer and hope for the best. I guess I'm a cat lady but it is sweet my hubby signs nonsensical songs to the cats. Sometimes I get outta bed and go to work for the cats. We choose to care for these creatures. I know it's not the same as kids, but these cats are funny. Especially the one - our special one who loves staring at walls or floors. What a crazy kitty.

gleefan

Lulu - I knew you'd ace your exam. There was no question in my mind. It's beautiful how in sobriety your intelligence gets to come together with your newfound or rediscovered confidence. I don't only see that with you; I see it with everyone who I know who is working a comprehensive program of sobriety. The sky's the limit for all of us. In fact these days the reason I don't pick up isn't because I don't want to wake up full of regret, but because I love the possibilities that have opened up in sobriety - even if they are a little bit scary.

Last night was tough for me. I went to a party all day with hubby with folks who we aren't super close to; it was kind of like work for me. He likes the host, and while I get among with the hosts wife and their friends I'm not close with them. When we got home he was tipsy, and decided to drink long into the night. I hung out in a different part of the house. I spent most of the day feeling disconnected. He woke up early for golf this morning. I feel lonely and alone most weekends.

However, my new approach to the morning is to focus on the possibilities of the day ahead. Accepting my situation and focusing on realistic possibilities can change my attitude. Today Im watching a youth hockey game that my youngest is playing. I'll see friends who I am close with, whose companionship is energizing. I made plans to go to the mall with a disabled young adult. We both like to sip coffee and browse the stores at the mall. I may pick up a Christmas gift to stash away, which I prefer to do before the holiday season. I'll check in with my sponsor, which makes me feel comforted and gives me food for thought. Tonight I'll start my step one work. I'll call a friend I met in the program to figure out which meetings we are going to this week.

My day is full and loaded with promise ...for connection with people I care about ...for having fun while being support to a young man who needs it right now (and expecting nothing in return) ...for support from a sponsor ...for shopping ...for spiritual work on step one ...for strengthening my connection with a sober friend. Isn't that so much better than focusing on feeling lonely, ignored, and unappreciated in my marriage?!

I'm focusing on doing my best with what I have.

tornrealization

Lulu - so happy for you. When I was catching up on the threads you had worried about this test for quite some time. So big congratulations

Gleefan- I continue to watch you endure and made lemonade out of lemons when stuff is hitting the fan. I've asked the boards before , been afraid before about my alky hubby and some of the advice is that when one spouse gets sober - the other may - over time. I guess I need to get sober first - and for more than a few weeks to grow and then wonder if my hubby will too.

tornrealization

My wrists are getting better. I can't stand the scars. I'm using bio-oil. I hope its gone before the holidays. Drinking - has really surprised me at what I can do to myself in a bad way. I think when I get sober time behind me my goal is to help others - even those that think they are OK because being a functional drunk is still a drunk. I really like the Febbies but feel like the loser of Febbies who keeps drinking. What the hell am I doing?

SoberLeigh

Congrats, Lulu!!!!!

Torn, you are far from the loser of the group; each and every one of us is in recovery no matter the length of time; we are equal alcoholics. Neither addiction nor recovery is simple. You are still here and that speaks volumes. I can clearly remember the frustration of my thousand Day 1s; I thought I was a hopeless case, truly. There wasn't a ton of peripheral wreckage in my alcoholism but I had lost my soul; I was a void. I don't want to see Torn in that void.

SoberLeigh

Torn, you could always join the class of September, or October in a few days, to experience that "same time and space" feeling. But, PLEASE, whatever, you do DON'T leave the Febbies.

Gazza

Sorry that should have been LS on the short story thing.

TR hang in there sister we're all right behind you. Recovery isn't a competition there are too many variables for anyone to judge. it's scary but who knows where it's gonna end for any of us. never compare yourself to anyone that's what I was taught... If only I could put it into practice more in my work life.

Be well all.
G