dSober

Thanks Venecia! Be careful what you ask for, hard to shut me up sometimes. Tell ya what, if you want to know how I got here, look here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...where-god.html

Elseware

dSober. I read that entry some months ago and it was a treasure to read again. I have trouble with the higher power issue, too. Your story is a very simple explanation of how it is to even START to find a higher power. I know (hope) there is one and it is definitely not me, either. I don't want to sound completely self deprecating but I don't really feel worthy to have a higher power inside of me. And yet. Something is there and it brings me a little peace to feel it there. To let go and just be where and who I am. It helps me to see that I'm not so bad. I'm just a flawed person like everybody else. For me being a drug addict has been a very humbling and humiliating experience. But to sit and meditate ( and I don't mean brood ) on these complex issues has been enough to let me catch glimpses of peace and of a higher power.

dSober

Happy to be of service. Really happy actually. A glimpse is all I needed to put those signs up on the wall. "Ego Kiils", "Pay it Forward", "Honor, Health, Freedom", the list goes on. After some time, I got more than a glimpse, much more. I meditated subconsciously then. I do it more consciously now, largely by being here. I feel I'm seeing more clearly everyday and it feels great!

Venecia

Thanks, Orn.

We're in a similar place. I, too, do not want my sobriety to be -- as you aptly put it! -- a navel-gazing exercise. And I spend enough time in my head.

I've thought about volunteerism. Right now, I think the main thing for me is to get out among others more. How I do that remains to be seen. There's a pretty active photography meet-up here in the Cities and that had been something that interested me a lot a few months ago. Since Dad died, though, I've been headed back to Wisconsin most weekends (except when I've been out of town or, like this weekend, had to work).

Perhaps what I need to do is find the right balance between being kind to myself and challenging myself.

Oceanlady

Yes, maybe volunteer is a place I am being called to also. I will chair our churches Xmas fair this year. I have helped before , but not chaired. I look forward to the challenge and have been planning a few different events.
Stepped on the scales today! Oh my, the 10 lbs I lost during the year are back! Darn sweets! I have not been a sweets eater for years, but the old sugar craving slipped in! Started today ,no more deserts,unhealthy snacks and all the carbs !!!!!!

dSober

We're all already volunteering right here but the more the merrier.

Venecia

It'll be two months tomorrow morning since *the* phone call.

Man, it's hard. The numbness of the shock has gone away. The starkness of the reality that my Dad is gone sinks further and further into me.

Oh, I miss him so much.

Thanks for listening.

advbike

V, big hug. I know how painful it is, especially after losing my mom two years ago. The pain fades with time, as do those sharp reminders that they're gone as we think of something we need to tell them... but the memories remain.

I still have little chats with her, and I tell her how much I miss her. I hope she can hear me. And she still serves as the best reference point I have for living my life. She knew how to live it well, without excess, and didn't get caught up in a lot of the crap that I do, lol. Gotta work on that one..

Hang in there and just know he's really proud of you.

Oceanlady

V, I know how you feel, My mother died 17 yrs ago and I sometime think " oh, wait till I tell her that" forgetting she's not here...time does help you calm your emotions and except the loss, but never takes away how much you miss that person.
Today I am making pickles! Got a bushel of cucumbers looking at me! Great to feel like taking on this project!
Almost August 14!

Elseware

V, Let's see if I can explain this coherently. My dad died of polio when I was only 3 years old. And he was just 24. I've missed him all my life. I've always been aware of a huge emptiness there. One day I was having a very bad day. I was being divorced at the time. I was crying and I called out to my father. I was angry that he had left me and told him so. I begged him to help me and be there for me in my time of need. And suddenly, I sat up, stopped crying and looked around. I did not see any thing but I was aware of the presence of another warm comforting being. I was aware that it was my father come to comfort me. This had never happened to me before or since. But at that moment my father was there for me. It was a very real but very odd experience.

I'm not a big "believer" in a spiritual realm. I just know this happened to me. And I tell you about it because maybe if you ever really need your Dad again you will find his spirit around you. It was a wonderful, unexplainable thing.

I so understand grief. I've had many losses in my life. And no, you never "get over it" but you go on because you must. Your grief becomes a part of the patina of your life. I still miss my sister terribly. She was my only full sibling. She is the only person I could have ever have talked to about this difficult chapter in my life. She was the my closest friend and relative after our mother died. I feel a part of me went with her.

I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad.

jdooner

Wow...what power in these messages.

Venecia - I am sorry for you loss and the grief you are dealing with. I really don't understand how to deal with death. I never processed it before and had a frozen heart. Now I think it would be different as the ice is melting around my heart. But I know you Dad lives on in you. Its up to you to champion his spirit by living to your fullest potential. I know I would want this for my daughter.

Else - have you seen counselors to deal with your own grief? For me I found I had so much fear and resentments that contributed to my need to escape through drug, alcohol and unhealthy behaviors. By letting go of these it really helped me move through my own issues. While AA was a major part, my therapist has also been instrumental in my growth too.

For those interested, I am finding Anthony De Mello to speak truth to me in his many spiritual books. Awareness was the first but I have moved on to several others at the moment.

advbike

"Your grief becomes a part of the patina of your life".

Else, I just loved how beautifully you put that. Thank you, and I'm so sorry for your losses, especially your father and sister. I've also had many, starting at age four with the loss of my older sister. Your words described so well how it affects us.

Venecia

Thanks, friends.

The last couple days have been hard for some reason ... I've felt a level of exhaustion unlike anything since the earliest days of sobriety.

Your words and support of provided more solace than I can describe. I am grateful -- so very grateful.

kadidee

V, I'm sending you a big hug. Wish I could take some of that pain away, sweet lady. Thinking of you. Else, what you said is so beautiful and gave me goosebumps. I do believe that our loved ones are still with us in spirit.

Elseware

Venecia, I hope the blues are passing. I've been thinking about you. Grief can come in waves and you wander back and forth through the stages. I'm sure you've heard of the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She has written extensively on the subject. It can be interesting reading when you feel up to it.

Venecia

Again, my deepest thanks. You guys really have been there for me and it means so much.

Else, I am familiar with Kubler-Ross. Some reading of her work may well be in my future.

I think, too, that I need to be realistic. No one who loses a beloved father is going to be in great shape. (And the degree of worry over my very frail -- and equally loved -- mother adds on to it.) That said, I think it's time to finally look into some therapy. While I may be experiencing the normal processes associated with grief, I recognize I am also isolating more. Not good for a recovering alcoholic.

It's not that I feel my sobriety is seriously imperiled. But I want to make sure I keep it intact and that I'm able to keep moving forward, despite the challenges of loss.

Heading to Wisconsin tomorrow. Maybe some blueberry picking in my weekend plans. The exhaustion I've felt over the last few days seems to have lifted some.

Hope everyone is doing all right and looking forward to some nice plans for the weekend.

Advbike, how is your trip going?

V.

advbike

Hi V, trip is going great. We're at a little beach resort on the island of Negros Oriental, near the town of Dumaguete, where there are several universities. There have been a few challenges, as always here, but the weather has been surprisingly good, considering it is the monsoon season. Glad you're feeling a little better. Cheers.

Ornithology

We just spent an incredibly restful week on a small island on the coast of Maine and are in Vermont at my mother's home for several days before heading back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland.
It was during our summer vacation last year at this time that I realized I needed to stop drinking. I was having constant liver pain and had drank nearly three cases of beer in our first three days at the ocean. The wheels had started to come off.
What a difference a year makes. We had a perfect time in Maine and my mom remarked how skinny and great I look when we arrived today. I've run nearly every day since we left home. We've had some wonderful meals. Most importantly, I've really bonded with my wife and daughter this trip.

Venecia

Oh, Orn, how pretty! It looks like everything one would imagine of Maine. (Lucky Oceanlady and Oceanfellar!)

And what a nice contrast between this year and last. I am so happy for you and your family. It sounds like a nice vacation for a nice classmate!

Oceanlady

Orn, happy you enjoyed my beautiful state.
Thinking how last year at this time how out of control my wine drinking was becoming. One of the realizations for me was the fact that I needed to drink extra glasses to experience the "buzz" and how depressed I felt the next morning. Very grateful that thru my faith,inner strength and SR, I am feeling far different than Aug.2013!