Class of August 2013 - Part 13
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Well, I have to tell somebody.....my computer and my printer were all broken down and discombobulated. The wi-fi wouldn't work. The computers wouldn't link up. My husband was swearing and tearing his hair out. I went in there and studied the whole thing for about 15 minutes. Fixed it. Whose the techie in this house? I love it when I can do things like that. Makes me feel very capable.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Good for you, Else. (I am my own IT Help Desk here at Casa Venecia.) Also, glad to hear you're getting a new horse. Would love to see a pic.
Just got done measuring the tile/backsplash in my kitchen, having met with a contractor earlier today. I've lived here 11 years and have been saying since Day One that it would be replaced. Finally getting around to it. Hmm ... wonder if that has something to do with sobriety/recovery.
A facial sounds so nice, OL. Good for you!
Just got done measuring the tile/backsplash in my kitchen, having met with a contractor earlier today. I've lived here 11 years and have been saying since Day One that it would be replaced. Finally getting around to it. Hmm ... wonder if that has something to do with sobriety/recovery.
A facial sounds so nice, OL. Good for you!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
You know V, I have a large pile of regrets over things not accomplished. I do my best to just leave that pile laying over in it's stinky corner, and focus on getting some of that stuff done in the present, but it is slow going toward some of the hurdles I'm pretty much locked in on. I've always had a tendency to take on too much, I try to 'get real' about anything new I take on now. That isn't all about sobriety I guess, part of it just goes in the life experience category. It does feel good when I get some things done incrementally but I still can't shake the 'just catching up' feeling. Maybe that's just the way it'll be for a while. Ramble, ramble... Good on you for getting going on your project.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by foolsgold66 
Thanks for the suggestion OL, but my wife would likely hand me my head if I tried to gift that! 
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by Elseware
Well, I have to tell somebody.....my computer and my printer were all broken down and discombobulated. The wi-fi wouldn't work. The computers wouldn't link up. My husband was swearing and tearing his hair out. I went in there and studied the whole thing for about 15 minutes. Fixed it. Whose the techie in this house? I love it when I can do things like that. Makes me feel very capable.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
FG, a lot of what you say is thought provoking for me. I also have a lot of projects that never got completed, even after I retired a couple of years ago. Very little actually got accomplished, and what did took forever to complete. Part of it is perfectionism, making things too difficult, and thus procrastinating. Part of it is my distractibility, and part of it is simply not enjoying the work. I finally had to admit I'm a better manager, and "big picture" guy, than a "do-er".
On the other hand, I'm not physically lazy.. there are some things I really love, like endurance sports, clearing brush, weed-whacking, even building huge retaining walls, lol. On more than one occasion I have outworked the labor I hired. I guess because the progress is visible, and instantly measurable, lol. And because the effort is relatively simple, and more zen. Just keep running, pedaling, cutting, etc. Those things get me out of my head, and so provide welcome relief from a mind that never rests.
On the other hand, I'm not physically lazy.. there are some things I really love, like endurance sports, clearing brush, weed-whacking, even building huge retaining walls, lol. On more than one occasion I have outworked the labor I hired. I guess because the progress is visible, and instantly measurable, lol. And because the effort is relatively simple, and more zen. Just keep running, pedaling, cutting, etc. Those things get me out of my head, and so provide welcome relief from a mind that never rests.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by advbike
Part of it is perfectionism, making things too difficult, and thus procrastinating. Part of it is my distractibility, and part of it is simply not enjoying the work. ... I guess because the progress is visible, and instantly measurable, lol. And because the effort is relatively simple, and more zen.
This task requires more planning on my part and obligations to a contractor. And instant gratification will not be happening in this instance ... a process that will require me to be OK with messiness, waiting and cost. Still, it's nice to know that something I've been meaning to do for a long time is finally going to happen.
Remind me of this when a good chunk of my kitchen wall space is in shreds!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
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Adv, your post couldn't have come at a better time. My allergies are in overdrive today (yeah, I know, it's winter, and yet..) but I was about to just go to bed early, because I was feeling crappy. I went downstairs and worked on 1 of said projects for 2 hours instead.
I have reasons, and excuses. The reasons are fine, the excuses are not. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans, and that is fine. I've had a lot of that, and sacrificed my time to help others, and I won't regret that. I also don't expect everything to go as planned, in fact I assume it won't, maybe too much so.
I've always been pretty focused in my actual job that makes my living, I'm kinda like a dog that won't let go of a bone there, I don't let up till things are shipshape. My personal goals, well, that's another matter. I'm not lazy, but I seem to get a crappy attitude or a feeling that the tasks will never end too often. Sometimes I fought it, sometimes I drank, sometimes I hung on and got it done.
I absolutely have to seek more balance, and have been working at it, I need to be somewhere between full tilt and dead stop, and just keep slogging along. It would help if I didn't absolutely despise routines.
I did beat perfectionism though it took me a lot of years. There's no perfect, ever.
I have reasons, and excuses. The reasons are fine, the excuses are not. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans, and that is fine. I've had a lot of that, and sacrificed my time to help others, and I won't regret that. I also don't expect everything to go as planned, in fact I assume it won't, maybe too much so.
I've always been pretty focused in my actual job that makes my living, I'm kinda like a dog that won't let go of a bone there, I don't let up till things are shipshape. My personal goals, well, that's another matter. I'm not lazy, but I seem to get a crappy attitude or a feeling that the tasks will never end too often. Sometimes I fought it, sometimes I drank, sometimes I hung on and got it done.
I absolutely have to seek more balance, and have been working at it, I need to be somewhere between full tilt and dead stop, and just keep slogging along. It would help if I didn't absolutely despise routines.
I did beat perfectionism though it took me a lot of years. There's no perfect, ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
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I saw a psychologist yesterday. I just went there to talk to someone in confidence. My psychiatrist is useful but he mostly prescribes and we discuss how the psych drugs are working for me. I talked to her for an hour and a half after filling out a sheaf of papers and sending them to her a few weeks ago. It was an interesting experience to be focused on for that length of time.
She feels I have severe post traumatic stress disorder. There are many things about my past life that I've never discussed at length here. I always try to put the best face on things and take care of myself, by myself. I almost never talk about it, but the truth is, I was raised with violence, pain and trauma. My mother was mentally ill and my father was dead. I'm talking raving alcoholics, blood and bullets, hiding out in the bushes, beatings, abandonment and abuse of all kinds. I have lived and prospered but I carry this stuff with me. I don't know. The psychologist seems a little like a "swami" but she has the credentials and she feels she can help me so I'm going to see her for a while.
It all comes down to the fact that I feel/am unlovable. I can't even get past that statement intellectually, it is so deeply ingrained. I think all my drinking and using drugs has been a way to cope with all this. Discovering alcohol at 15 changed my life. Alcohol and drugs could free me from the pain of life for a little while. I loved all that stuff. Now I'm facing what I should have faced then. At 63. But my depressions have been extremely severe over the past year and I can't go on this way. When I'm down there it is as if I am dying of cancer or something. I feel that sick. There's no "shaking it off" or functioning in any meaningful way. I don't even bathe. I stare out the window or stay in bed. Doing anything takes a supreme act of will. I don't want to die but I need relief and it seems there is no other way out but drugs or death. I am in a relatively good point right now and in no way suicidal. I would never, ever do that to my son. I'd let them put me on the back ward of some hospital first. So don't worry about anything like that.
My fingers are lingering over the send button. I feel too exposed by what I've written. I trust you will understand how hard it is for me to say these things. I have to start trusting somewhere. Please don't feel you need to comment. This just had to get off my chest.
She feels I have severe post traumatic stress disorder. There are many things about my past life that I've never discussed at length here. I always try to put the best face on things and take care of myself, by myself. I almost never talk about it, but the truth is, I was raised with violence, pain and trauma. My mother was mentally ill and my father was dead. I'm talking raving alcoholics, blood and bullets, hiding out in the bushes, beatings, abandonment and abuse of all kinds. I have lived and prospered but I carry this stuff with me. I don't know. The psychologist seems a little like a "swami" but she has the credentials and she feels she can help me so I'm going to see her for a while.
It all comes down to the fact that I feel/am unlovable. I can't even get past that statement intellectually, it is so deeply ingrained. I think all my drinking and using drugs has been a way to cope with all this. Discovering alcohol at 15 changed my life. Alcohol and drugs could free me from the pain of life for a little while. I loved all that stuff. Now I'm facing what I should have faced then. At 63. But my depressions have been extremely severe over the past year and I can't go on this way. When I'm down there it is as if I am dying of cancer or something. I feel that sick. There's no "shaking it off" or functioning in any meaningful way. I don't even bathe. I stare out the window or stay in bed. Doing anything takes a supreme act of will. I don't want to die but I need relief and it seems there is no other way out but drugs or death. I am in a relatively good point right now and in no way suicidal. I would never, ever do that to my son. I'd let them put me on the back ward of some hospital first. So don't worry about anything like that.
My fingers are lingering over the send button. I feel too exposed by what I've written. I trust you will understand how hard it is for me to say these things. I have to start trusting somewhere. Please don't feel you need to comment. This just had to get off my chest.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Else, thank you for sharing that. You are a beautiful person inside and out, with a huge heart, and I'm sorry to hear of the pain you have experienced, and still have to deal with. I can't imagine what a child feels in those situations. This is really what Mate talks about in Hungry Ghosts... and I believe you read his book.
You are also very strong, and can work through a lot of it, but I expect it will take time and support to heal the wounds.
Just know that we really care about you and are here for you. Big hugs for you.
Love, Adv
You are also very strong, and can work through a lot of it, but I expect it will take time and support to heal the wounds.
Just know that we really care about you and are here for you. Big hugs for you.
Love, Adv
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