dSober

Me either, still don't have one although my kids do. I think I'm going to get one too though, on my shoulder. Been thinking about a triangle with the words Experience, Strength and Hope around the edges and a phoenix rising up in the center. I'm pretty sure it's one I'll never regret. I already wear a two tone, circled triangle, ring but I want something more permanent.

Oceanlady

JD, don't get discouraged, I'm in the same situation ! You have helped me with advice that I took to heart. I have to manage my issue and can't manage his too!
Going shopping for me this week..maybe a pandora charm or Alex and Annie !

jdooner

Thanks all for the support...I know I can't take her inventory or change others. I repeat the serenity prayer every morning. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

That said, I am hurt, not because she drank but I opened myself up and started to trust and I feel that trust has been broken. I can already feel myself close up as a protective mechanism. I want to hurt and punish her...I am not but I want to take things away, tighten the screws. I am aware this is my pain that is being projected.

My program works, alcohol is not a reality nor are drugs. I reached out and am I observing my feelings and sharing with all of you. I don't know how things are going to play out, I know I need to set boundaries and figure out some codie type stuff so that I don't enable either. Well looks like a new set of challenges for year two for me class:-)

OL - we got sober by supporting each other so lets do the same with this stuff too. I will be sure to post what I learn about codependency.

Dee74

AlAnon might be good for you JD?

One of the best (but hardest) things I ever learned was the 3Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

D

jdooner

I agree with you Dee and am going to attend a meeting this week. I realize that I should not be hurt. I realize that I attached myself to my wife, which is a sign of codependency even though I am aware of it - that is the only reason I can feel hurt and disappointed. What I need to learn is how not to engage in this way. I realize its a disease and I relaise my pain is really driven out of fear of the unknown and my own insecurities. The what if scenarios. I also realize that the best things for me to do today is work with others and get out of my own head and talk about this with my support system, which is exactly what I am doing. The onld JD wants blood though...I want to hurt her because I am hurt. Its tough knowing and being aware because if I act on these emotions its worse since I realize where they are coming from and realize they are wrong:-)

Thanks again for the support. I will get through this.

Ornithology

Venecia, I've been reflecting on your posts relative to your Dad's passing and Oceanlady's and Elseware's replies. I don't have any advice for you, but have found that since my Dad died three years ago that grieving takes time.
jdooner, sorry to read about your wife's drinking. You seem well-equipped to deal with this in a positive manner.
On a lighter note jdooner, don't rush out and get that neck tattoo as I don't see it matching up with your Brooks Brothers navy blazer. I'd suggest you and your kids make friendship bracelets for each other.
Kadidee, I enjoyed your post about your school's annual service day and how it was different for you this year.
Oceanlady, I like your suggestion that each of us do something to mark our first year of sobriety. To mark mine, I am sailing across the Atlantic Ocean with five other guys. We move the boat 750 nautical miles from the Mediterranean to the Canary Islands in about four weeks to avoid Fall storms in the northern Atlantic. We'll meet up again in the Canaries in mid-November after hurricane season and do the 2700 nm sail to the Caribbean which we expect to take 18-22 days depending on weather. That puts us in Saint Lucia in time to celebrate Christmas with our families.
When my friend asked me to sail across the ocean on his boat I said I would need to think about it. My wife answered for me and said of course I would go. She told me I earned the opportunity for being sober for a year.

Elseware

Wow, Orn! What a trip that will be. You have earned it!

Oceanlady

OH MY! That's a trip! I can't even imagine ! That is doing something special for yourself, enjoy !

advbike

Orn, that sounds like a great adventure! How large a boat? I've always wanted to do some serious blue water sailing and one of my favorite books is The Long Way, by Bernard Moitessier. He was a Frenchman who circumnavigated the world alone and faced an existential crisis while competing in one of the early races in the 1960's. He rejected fame and modern society and ended up sailing around the Horn a second time and on to Tahiti. I highly recommend it - it's a fabulous read. Also.. very interested in your trip reports, haha..

Venecia

Orn, I am beyond tickled for you! What an astonishing opportunity. What you shared about your wife's comments speaks volumes. A happier family.

Of course, I'm dying to know if you'll have some sort of internet access (satellite?) so you can regale us with stories from the sea. (I should also note that if the team is looking for an official blogger/photographer, I know just the right person. )

And thank you for your kind comments about grief. Yes, time. I also need to recognize that the process won't always follow some prescribed path or be predictable. The exhaustion I felt last week was somehow connected to the mourning process, I know. Things are better this week.

Regarding your tattoo advice. Well, I'll just say this about that: Ditto.

Take care, all.

Venecia

I continue to take great comfort in the many years (51+) I had with Dad, the fact that we loved each other (no unresolved conflict) and that his death was in his sleep. He was such a good man. So loved and respected in my hometown.

Here in the Twin Cities, it has been a sad day, especially for two teen-age girls who won't see their father again. He was long-serving police officer, shot to death in a seemingly routine traffic stop. The funeral was today, complete with the solemn ceremony befitting the occasion -- the coffin on a horse-drawn caisson, bagpipers, bikers with U.S. flags, 4,000 law enforcement officers and thousands of citizens lining the eight-mile route between the church and the cemetery to pay their respects to him, his widow and his children as the cortege passed by. From the limousine, the daughters held their hands out the windows, forming hearts to show their appreciation. Brings tears to your eyes.

The downed officer was known for his kindness -- the kind of cop who'd visit an accident victim in the hospital just to check in. His photo shows a husky fellow with a big grin; by all accounts, he was beloved in the suburban community just to the south of here. A family man.

The guy who shot him? Well, that is playing out predictably, too. 39 years old with a record a mile long. Twenty-plus years of violent crimes, drugs, dealing, failure to support the several women with whom he fathered children. His photo kind of says it all, too: pasty white face, cold eyes. He tried to shoot three more cops when he was finally apprehended about two miles from where I live. He was shot and now is recovering in a local hospital, where he told one of the officers guarding him that he "f***ing hates cops." There's a lot of scrutiny of his most sentence to drug rehab -- which he was kicked out of -- particularly because he was a violent offender. Also a lot of acknowledgement that drug court/rehab is often a good thing and that hindsight is also 20/20.

So now there are two sweet girls who have lost their dad -- a man to be proud of -- before they're even out of their teens. And an unknown number of children who have a father who shall rot in prison for the rest of his rotten life, offering no reason to inspire any pride.

I am a fortunate daughter. Such a fortunate daughter.

Ornithology

54 feet.

jdooner

Venecia - what a great post. Have you read any John Sandford novels? Prey series or the Kidd books? He is a local MN resident and all the stories take place in the Minnie or St Paul areas with some Northen lakes mixed in...anyhow your true story reminded me of one of his books.

advbike

Holy cow. Ocean liner, lol. Should be a fast passage..

Venecia

Thanks, JD. The manhunt a week ago was like something out of a Sandford book, as well.

Now that a certain well-known actress has moved to NYC, we're down to about three celebrities here in the Cities, Sandford being among them, though I don't think he actually maintains a home here anymore. (As you might imagine, he's become immensely wealthy.) I've read quite a few of the Lucas Davenport "Prey" books and run kind of hot and cold on them. The fun part, of course, is that you recognize a ton of locations he describes and can visualize the scenes almost perfectly. His last book was partly set in a town where I used to live.

Sandford is a pen name. John Camp was a reporter and columnist for the St. Paul Pioneer Press for many years, coinciding with its peak, turning to his fiction-writing aspirations after winning the Pulitzer Prize for coverage of the farm crisis in the late 1980s. I know a couple people who were there when he was, though the Pioneer Press has fallen far from its glory days as the feisty paper that kept the larger Minneapolis Star Tribune on its toes -- and often scooping what what the Pi's last columnist still calls "The Enemy Newspaper."

We're still a two-newspaper town, for now, and that's something for which we should be grateful. But the rivalry is lop-sided now -- nowhere near as fun or newsy as the bygone days.

Oceanlady

Orn, think maybe you need a nurse on this trip?
I also enjoy Sanford. I have listened to many audio books of his!
I am finding this month to be a peaceful month , different from any in the past year. Feeling like I not chasing my tail to find contentment, but contented in my own skin! Hope this an awakening and lasts!

kadidee

Orn, the sailing trip sounds amazing! I have so many questions. What kinds of provisions do you pack? What is the longest sailing trip you've been on prior to this? Do you think you'll see sharks? I have many, many more questions but I'll limit them to three at a time.

V, that story is absolutely heartbreaking, especially because it was entirely random and avoidable. My heart goes out to those little girls.

Ornithology

[QUOTE="Oceanlady;4826132"]Orn, think maybe you need a nurse on this trip?/QUOTE]

I might help. The six of us are males in our forties and fifties. I am certified in first aid, CPR, and AED and we will have an AED on the boat, plus some cardiac drugs in the medical kit.

Elseware

Orn, do any of you ever get seasick? I get seasick so bad that while the idea of a cruise like that sounds fun, I'm afraid I would be deathly ill. I've gotten seasick scuba diving. Now that was a weird thing!

Venecia, have I ever told you what a talented writer you are?

Ornithology

We bring enough food and water for six people for six weeks, a life raft, and a big medical kit. We only expect the crossing to take 18-22 days but bring extra food and water as a precaution. The food is a mix of stuff that tastes good and requires refrigeration like meat, fruits, and vegetables and dry food that requires no refrigeration and is easy to prepare and eat in rough seas, like rice or pasta.
You don't need a lot of personal stuff; a couple pairs of sailing shorts, foul weather gear, life vest with harness and personal locator beacon, a hat, a couple of base layers for cold nights, and good sailing boots. I'll bring a moleskin journal and a star chart for star gazing and some earbuds and iPhone for music, a dSLR camera and a GoPro for videos.
My longest sailing trip previously is 333 nautical miles. The leg from Gibraltar to the Canaries will be 750 nm and the crossing from the Canaries to Saint Lucia will cover 2700 nm.
We are not likely to see sharks, or other boats, or planes, or much of anything. Maybe a few whales and dolphins right in and around the Canaries, but otherwise, just waves and clouds and stars.