Class of September 2013 - Part 31
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
Originally Posted by Dee74 
glad you're back BLK 
the addictive part of us will use anything to get its way - even grief. It has no scruples.
PBC's post about the young guy was magnificent and I don't think I could do better than that except to add - keep fighting the good fight BLK.
Sorry you're a bit troubled at the moment nightswimming - if you want to talk about it some more, I know there are no end of willing ears here
I'm glad you got out of the funk brOOksie
Good to see you Renarde
good luck with your start up Kane!
hey rochele, kellbell, workoholic, GG
D
the addictive part of us will use anything to get its way - even grief. It has no scruples.
PBC's post about the young guy was magnificent and I don't think I could do better than that except to add - keep fighting the good fight BLK.
Sorry you're a bit troubled at the moment nightswimming - if you want to talk about it some more, I know there are no end of willing ears here
I'm glad you got out of the funk brOOksie
Good to see you Renarde
good luck with your start up Kane!
hey rochele, kellbell, workoholic, GG
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
Originally Posted by GotGrace
Hi Everyone,
BLK, I can understand why you drank yesterday. I am glad that you aren't beating yourself up about it or allowing it to throw you off your mission. You are a smart man and you will succeed!
BLK, I can understand why you drank yesterday. I am glad that you aren't beating yourself up about it or allowing it to throw you off your mission. You are a smart man and you will succeed!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say hi and that I'm so proud to know you all. I just caught up on this new thread and to say that the honesty of everyone's pain, struggles and triumphs is palpable and plants seeds for me.
A weird thing happened to me. I met a really great guy at work over a month ago who asked me to lunch. I was so happy it was a lunch invitation because most guys in my industry ask you to go out after work which is prime drinking time for chefs. You get wasted, hook up and that's your 'boyfriend' for the time the getting wasted doesn't cause too much drama. Then one or the other ditches each other because of cheating or thoughtlessness. But he invited me on a lunch date. That was a big deal and I started to ask him a lot of questions.
He admitted to me after two dates that he is in recovery and goes to AA to maintain his sobriety. He drank much worse than me for much longer than me and got into way worse trouble than I ever have, but I recognize that our level of misery was/is exactly the same. I drink around him and he doesn't push me too hard but he tells me he would be happy to take me to a meeting if I would like to go. Or that we could go to the gym together or for a walk along the lake at night if I like.
I'm so uncomfortable because I thought I would love to be accountable to another and that would help me, but all it does is make me feel weak and judged because I am still not ready to be sober. Which in turn makes me mad because I have a great guy who understands us 'damaged people' in front of me, like I thought I wanted and I sent him to the bedroom tonight after a nice dinner out because I need to 'decompress and just not talk to anyone and have comfortable silence' like a jerk. But what that really entails is drinking til I get loopy and sleepy. He doesn't outwardly judge me but I do see a sad look on his face at times. He's so happy to be with me, he celebrates and elevates the very best parts of me. But all I can think of is how very little free time I have after working and he's cutting into my 'relax' time. 'Relax' time is code for me getting numb, loopy and sleepy.
Tonight is my Friday, so to speak, because I'm off the next two days. And I've got a really nice, attentive, compassionate man in the bedroom while I sit out here and smoke and drink because of the pressure I've felt all week. Working so many hours and just wanting to be alone. To drink.
Septemberites, I ask you, how many excuses for drinking are in this post? Because I already feel them as I write this but I can't even keep count. Yet the drink is here while I have a nice man just waiting for me to get my s**t together and I am choosing to drink. Wtf.
Not asking for a rescue here but so twisted because I want everything sobriety gives without ever having to stop drinking. Ridiculous.
Anyhow, I'm still here, I haven't left September 2013, I can hear him snoozing and I just hope I don't offend him so much with my drunkie breath in the morning that he says, screw this.
Love to all and thanks for letting me pop in,
your Melina
I just wanted to say hi and that I'm so proud to know you all. I just caught up on this new thread and to say that the honesty of everyone's pain, struggles and triumphs is palpable and plants seeds for me.
A weird thing happened to me. I met a really great guy at work over a month ago who asked me to lunch. I was so happy it was a lunch invitation because most guys in my industry ask you to go out after work which is prime drinking time for chefs. You get wasted, hook up and that's your 'boyfriend' for the time the getting wasted doesn't cause too much drama. Then one or the other ditches each other because of cheating or thoughtlessness. But he invited me on a lunch date. That was a big deal and I started to ask him a lot of questions.
He admitted to me after two dates that he is in recovery and goes to AA to maintain his sobriety. He drank much worse than me for much longer than me and got into way worse trouble than I ever have, but I recognize that our level of misery was/is exactly the same. I drink around him and he doesn't push me too hard but he tells me he would be happy to take me to a meeting if I would like to go. Or that we could go to the gym together or for a walk along the lake at night if I like.
I'm so uncomfortable because I thought I would love to be accountable to another and that would help me, but all it does is make me feel weak and judged because I am still not ready to be sober. Which in turn makes me mad because I have a great guy who understands us 'damaged people' in front of me, like I thought I wanted and I sent him to the bedroom tonight after a nice dinner out because I need to 'decompress and just not talk to anyone and have comfortable silence' like a jerk. But what that really entails is drinking til I get loopy and sleepy. He doesn't outwardly judge me but I do see a sad look on his face at times. He's so happy to be with me, he celebrates and elevates the very best parts of me. But all I can think of is how very little free time I have after working and he's cutting into my 'relax' time. 'Relax' time is code for me getting numb, loopy and sleepy.
Tonight is my Friday, so to speak, because I'm off the next two days. And I've got a really nice, attentive, compassionate man in the bedroom while I sit out here and smoke and drink because of the pressure I've felt all week. Working so many hours and just wanting to be alone. To drink.
Septemberites, I ask you, how many excuses for drinking are in this post? Because I already feel them as I write this but I can't even keep count. Yet the drink is here while I have a nice man just waiting for me to get my s**t together and I am choosing to drink. Wtf.
Not asking for a rescue here but so twisted because I want everything sobriety gives without ever having to stop drinking. Ridiculous.
Anyhow, I'm still here, I haven't left September 2013, I can hear him snoozing and I just hope I don't offend him so much with my drunkie breath in the morning that he says, screw this.
Love to all and thanks for letting me pop in,
your Melina
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Honestly, Dee?
I dream of a tropical island (not too tropical, but nicely always warm) where alcohol doesn't exist in our lives. I dream of farming and foraging food and forging relationships and we are so busy dreaming up recipes for our foods and how to market them that alcohol really doesn't have a place and it's not something ever considered.
Sober me has an awesome farm going with a restaurant on premise with the amazing things me and the team can cook and share with the community. Drunk me is in Chicago really wondering how it's so important to get wasted every day to try to numb out my stresses and losses.
That's the truth, Dee.
I dream of a tropical island (not too tropical, but nicely always warm) where alcohol doesn't exist in our lives. I dream of farming and foraging food and forging relationships and we are so busy dreaming up recipes for our foods and how to market them that alcohol really doesn't have a place and it's not something ever considered.
Sober me has an awesome farm going with a restaurant on premise with the amazing things me and the team can cook and share with the community. Drunk me is in Chicago really wondering how it's so important to get wasted every day to try to numb out my stresses and losses.
That's the truth, Dee.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I think that's everyone's truth at some point Melina.
It was certainly mine.
I had to find other ways to deal with those stresses and losses. It took a while but I'm glad I did.
I was thinking today actually how my life is pretty close to that dream I used to have, not in details maybe, but in mindset
I let a lot of good things and good people slip through my fingers cos I had an exclusive relationship with alcohol, melina.
Be smarter than me - don't let years be stolen from you
D
It was certainly mine.
I had to find other ways to deal with those stresses and losses. It took a while but I'm glad I did.
I was thinking today actually how my life is pretty close to that dream I used to have, not in details maybe, but in mindset
I let a lot of good things and good people slip through my fingers cos I had an exclusive relationship with alcohol, melina.
Be smarter than me - don't let years be stolen from you
D
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
What were the other ways you found to deal with stresses and loss, Dee? How did you do it? No pressure on you to answer but I'm so curious! And excited to know how you decided! Thank you in advance if you have time to answer.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
That's a long and complicated answer LOL
My drinking was end stage. It was killing me.
Not directly but indirectly through accidents and falls etc. It was really only a matter of time before something really bad happened.
That was good in one way because it made the decision for me. I had to change and try recovery.
I had to take drinking off the table as an option....but I knew stress would continue, so I had to find alternative strategies.
I found exercise was a really good stress buster. I tried meditation too but I could never seem to quiet my mind...but exercise really helped.
I also had to resign as the 'General Manager of the Universe'.
I realised a lot of things I worried and was stressed about were either not my problems, or problems that I could not fix.
I had to develop a faith that thing turned out without my input - maybe not the way I'd like, but they always turned out. I've found that to be true.
I also had to really look at my work to rest ratio.
I'm an all or nothing alcoholic. I needed to make time to rest, relax and recoup, or I'd never stop working.
All this was a process. And yes it was hard for a while- nothing quite delivered the quick fix alcohol did, although things got better with practice.
I find 15 mins exercise or 15 mins playing guitar can really relax me now.
But yeah, sometimes I had to learn to sit with my uncomfortableness.
The more I did that tho, the more endurance for sitting with feelings I got....
and that includes things like grief and loss.
It's natural to grieve and to feel sad - that's the way we humans deal with loss and move it through it to the other side.
Drinking halts that process and keeps us in a holding pattern...it's like we never allow the wound to heal, and we need to keep numbing it over and over.
Feeling is anathema to the alcoholic - we fear it so much that we instinctively try to numb it...but feeling and dealing can bring growth too.
I'm not the same guy I was in 2007. I'm vastly improved in nearly all aspects. I'm happy with who I am, and what my life is like.
Life has it's ups and downs but I have an abiding sense of serenity.
I think that's a great payoff for putting down the bottle.
Anyway I'm going to write an essay here if I don't stop
I'm sure others will chime in too - but feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever Melina...anytime
D
My drinking was end stage. It was killing me.
Not directly but indirectly through accidents and falls etc. It was really only a matter of time before something really bad happened.
That was good in one way because it made the decision for me. I had to change and try recovery.
I had to take drinking off the table as an option....but I knew stress would continue, so I had to find alternative strategies.
I found exercise was a really good stress buster. I tried meditation too but I could never seem to quiet my mind...but exercise really helped.
I also had to resign as the 'General Manager of the Universe'.
I realised a lot of things I worried and was stressed about were either not my problems, or problems that I could not fix.
I had to develop a faith that thing turned out without my input - maybe not the way I'd like, but they always turned out. I've found that to be true.
I also had to really look at my work to rest ratio.
I'm an all or nothing alcoholic. I needed to make time to rest, relax and recoup, or I'd never stop working.
All this was a process. And yes it was hard for a while- nothing quite delivered the quick fix alcohol did, although things got better with practice.
I find 15 mins exercise or 15 mins playing guitar can really relax me now.
But yeah, sometimes I had to learn to sit with my uncomfortableness.
The more I did that tho, the more endurance for sitting with feelings I got....
and that includes things like grief and loss.
It's natural to grieve and to feel sad - that's the way we humans deal with loss and move it through it to the other side.
Drinking halts that process and keeps us in a holding pattern...it's like we never allow the wound to heal, and we need to keep numbing it over and over.
Feeling is anathema to the alcoholic - we fear it so much that we instinctively try to numb it...but feeling and dealing can bring growth too.
I'm not the same guy I was in 2007. I'm vastly improved in nearly all aspects. I'm happy with who I am, and what my life is like.
Life has it's ups and downs but I have an abiding sense of serenity.
I think that's a great payoff for putting down the bottle.
Anyway I'm going to write an essay here if I don't stop
I'm sure others will chime in too - but feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever Melina...anytime
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Glasgow, UK
Posts: 362
Have woken up to lots of inspiring posts this morning and amazed at the resilience of the Class of September 2013. What comes through in all of these posts is a dogged determination. That's a big something for all of us.
PBC, what an inspiring story about the young man at your meeting. Your insights really resonated with me as well. Especially point 2. sometimes we need to let others share and help with our burden as well as making sure we're doing our bit too.
Brooksie, sounds like you had a tough weekend. Worrying about money is a big burden and makes everything else seem that much harder. Glad your friend was able to help you out and I hope the writing continues to flow.
Workaholic, reading your post makes me realise that in spite of having funks we still carry on. A mood like the past few days this time last year would have seen me drink lager or wine until I passed out and then spend the next 3 days watching TV feeling sorry for myself. What a difference a year makes.
GG, sorry to hear about your daughter but as Dee says I'm sure the doctors will be able to help her with managing it Always much better to have something like this discovered sooner rather than later. Sounds like it was the icing on the cake of a rough week. Sorry to hear your week at the beach wasn't what you expected. It still surprises me when I think I'm going to feel one way about something and then my brain throws me a curve ball.
Melina, I would happily live on that tropical island with you. Walking around Glasgow on a sunny Saturday afternoon where everyone is outside drinking wine and beer made me think that things would be so much easier if that wasn't a possibility for anyone. I suppose I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately that tropical island is a dream and that while others will drink, I will do my absolute best not to and I need to find a way to accept that. I'm not there yet....I thought I was getting there but clearly I'm nowhere near as close as I'd like to be.
Dee, I think I got your old job! Trying to give it up but it holds on tight...
PBC, what an inspiring story about the young man at your meeting. Your insights really resonated with me as well. Especially point 2. sometimes we need to let others share and help with our burden as well as making sure we're doing our bit too.
Brooksie, sounds like you had a tough weekend. Worrying about money is a big burden and makes everything else seem that much harder. Glad your friend was able to help you out and I hope the writing continues to flow.
Workaholic, reading your post makes me realise that in spite of having funks we still carry on. A mood like the past few days this time last year would have seen me drink lager or wine until I passed out and then spend the next 3 days watching TV feeling sorry for myself. What a difference a year makes.
GG, sorry to hear about your daughter but as Dee says I'm sure the doctors will be able to help her with managing it
Always much better to have something like this discovered sooner rather than later. Sounds like it was the icing on the cake of a rough week. Sorry to hear your week at the beach wasn't what you expected. It still surprises me when I think I'm going to feel one way about something and then my brain throws me a curve ball. Melina, I would happily live on that tropical island with you. Walking around Glasgow on a sunny Saturday afternoon where everyone is outside drinking wine and beer made me think that things would be so much easier if that wasn't a possibility for anyone. I suppose I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately that tropical island is a dream and that while others will drink, I will do my absolute best not to and I need to find a way to accept that. I'm not there yet....I thought I was getting there but clearly I'm nowhere near as close as I'd like to be.
Dee, I think I got your old job! Trying to give it up but it holds on tight...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Glasgow, UK
Posts: 362
Thought I would try and share a bit more today. Don't get me wrong, there have been lots of good times in amongst what I describe below but I feel the need to get the negative out today.
I feel like I'm fighting a battle against 2 enemies at the moment - against alcohol and against my depression and anxiety. They are by no means mutually exclusive. At the moment at least, the battle with alcohol has the potential to be winnable. I've made it to 9 months, I realise it is something that I can't take my eye off and over the past few weeks have realised my work is far from over. It is the depression and anxiety that I'm struggling with and it weakens my resolve with drinking.
I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 23 (I'm now 29) but I think I've been suffering from it all my life. I remember the feelings of not wanting to go to school, the panic at not doing my best in exams at school etc etc. When I was 21 I had my first internship with EY, the anxiety kicked up big time. I got offered a graduate job and during my 'reward' holiday to Toronto and New York I had a panic attack in the middle of 5th Avenue and had to fly home the same day. I spent the next 4 days in my flat with the curtains closed, not eating, smoking 30 cigarettes a day and listening to REM until a friend came and literally dragged me outside to rejoin the world. Fortunately at that point I hadn't discovered drinking by myself or the outcome might have been different.
I went back to my final year of uni, had a few sessions of counselling and returned to 'normal'. Had a bit of a meltdown during my final exams (had a total binge of a night drinking with a friend during a week I had 3 exams) but still came out with an upper second for my honours degree. Having run through all my money with holidays, eating and drinking I ended up having to start my job early with EY.
The anxiety of impressing at work combined with worries about how people would view my sexuality (there was still a few 'macho' guys in the department at that point) built and built and then my head finally gave way during my second set of Chartered Accountants exams. Four subjects, 13 weeks of full time classes with 20 hours a week of study expected on top. I spent a whole weekend in my flat again and didn't leave and on the Monday morning I went to the doctor, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and I went to counselling once a week for 6 weeks. I passed all my exams and went back to work.
I met my current partner in the October of that year which has really been the best thing that has happened to me. I'm not really sure why he's still here. I've put him through a lot of **** over the past 5 and a half years. I've offered him the chance to walk away a number of times and he hasn't. I feel so lucky for that and don't know what I would do without him.
Finally in early 2009 my body gave up on me. I had two lots of flu, the second of which the aches and tiredness didn't really go away for almost 2 years. The doctor diagnosed me with Post Viral Fatigue and I spent 4 months off work followed by 3 months of a phased return to work. It was during this time, living on my own that I discovered drinking by myself. A couple of times a week I would drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself and it made me feel better...until I woke up the next morning. This pattern went on until March 2011 when I moved in with my boyfriend. That probably saved me as at that point I was drinking at least 6 beers a night.
Over the next couple of years I was miserable with work, still had after effects from the post viral fatigue and binge drank as often as I could. I tried a different firm in the same field and still felt the same. If my other half went away I would long to get out of work so I could go and get a couple of decent bottles of wine and black myself out. I would drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, set my alarm for 9am, call work and tell them my post viral fatigue had flared up and sleep for the whole day. My bf would be none the wiser, thinking i was at work. I would go on work nights out and drink myself into oblivion and arrive home hours after I was expected home.
Finally in August last year I woke up one day for work with crippling anxiety and realised I just couldn't keep going. I went to the GP, got a line, got myself some proper counselling and after a couple of bad binges realised that if I didn't get sober I was never going to get better. I realised that I wasn't ever going to find what I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle of wine because I didn't even know what it was I wanted to find. I came back to SR and gladly leaned on everyone here for some support. The first 3 months were tough and then I think I thought after Christmas was past that was the hard bit done. I finished my counselling around that time and thought the hard bit was done with both battles.
I started a new job in February, back with EY - I thought the familiar faces might help with getting back into work after 6 months. This ended up being badly wrong. The job ended up being twice as stressful as what I've done before and during a really stressful week in mid April, feeling resigned to defeat, I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I was fortunate to be released the next day with no permanent damage done and for that I'm very thankful.
The last 8 weeks or so I've spent signed off work trying to get back to 'normal' and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Clearly Accounting hasn't worked out for me and it's time to do something different but what?!?!. I'm happy that I've 'bounced back' from the overdose a lot quicker than I thought I would and I've by no means gone back to square one in my battle with the depression but I know there's a lot of work still to be done and I'm determined to carry on with it.
I think a lot of my anger stems from not being sure what I want to do and being scared that regardless of what I choose my depression will sabotage it for me. Drinking was my out for so long but it took me away from the problem and this is the first period in my life that I've faced things head on. It's scary...
I feel like I'm fighting a battle against 2 enemies at the moment - against alcohol and against my depression and anxiety. They are by no means mutually exclusive. At the moment at least, the battle with alcohol has the potential to be winnable. I've made it to 9 months, I realise it is something that I can't take my eye off and over the past few weeks have realised my work is far from over. It is the depression and anxiety that I'm struggling with and it weakens my resolve with drinking.
I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 23 (I'm now 29) but I think I've been suffering from it all my life. I remember the feelings of not wanting to go to school, the panic at not doing my best in exams at school etc etc. When I was 21 I had my first internship with EY, the anxiety kicked up big time. I got offered a graduate job and during my 'reward' holiday to Toronto and New York I had a panic attack in the middle of 5th Avenue and had to fly home the same day. I spent the next 4 days in my flat with the curtains closed, not eating, smoking 30 cigarettes a day and listening to REM until a friend came and literally dragged me outside to rejoin the world. Fortunately at that point I hadn't discovered drinking by myself or the outcome might have been different.
I went back to my final year of uni, had a few sessions of counselling and returned to 'normal'. Had a bit of a meltdown during my final exams (had a total binge of a night drinking with a friend during a week I had 3 exams) but still came out with an upper second for my honours degree. Having run through all my money with holidays, eating and drinking I ended up having to start my job early with EY.
The anxiety of impressing at work combined with worries about how people would view my sexuality (there was still a few 'macho' guys in the department at that point) built and built and then my head finally gave way during my second set of Chartered Accountants exams. Four subjects, 13 weeks of full time classes with 20 hours a week of study expected on top. I spent a whole weekend in my flat again and didn't leave and on the Monday morning I went to the doctor, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and I went to counselling once a week for 6 weeks. I passed all my exams and went back to work.
I met my current partner in the October of that year which has really been the best thing that has happened to me. I'm not really sure why he's still here. I've put him through a lot of **** over the past 5 and a half years. I've offered him the chance to walk away a number of times and he hasn't. I feel so lucky for that and don't know what I would do without him.
Finally in early 2009 my body gave up on me. I had two lots of flu, the second of which the aches and tiredness didn't really go away for almost 2 years. The doctor diagnosed me with Post Viral Fatigue and I spent 4 months off work followed by 3 months of a phased return to work. It was during this time, living on my own that I discovered drinking by myself. A couple of times a week I would drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself and it made me feel better...until I woke up the next morning. This pattern went on until March 2011 when I moved in with my boyfriend. That probably saved me as at that point I was drinking at least 6 beers a night.
Over the next couple of years I was miserable with work, still had after effects from the post viral fatigue and binge drank as often as I could. I tried a different firm in the same field and still felt the same. If my other half went away I would long to get out of work so I could go and get a couple of decent bottles of wine and black myself out. I would drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, set my alarm for 9am, call work and tell them my post viral fatigue had flared up and sleep for the whole day. My bf would be none the wiser, thinking i was at work. I would go on work nights out and drink myself into oblivion and arrive home hours after I was expected home.
Finally in August last year I woke up one day for work with crippling anxiety and realised I just couldn't keep going. I went to the GP, got a line, got myself some proper counselling and after a couple of bad binges realised that if I didn't get sober I was never going to get better. I realised that I wasn't ever going to find what I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle of wine because I didn't even know what it was I wanted to find. I came back to SR and gladly leaned on everyone here for some support. The first 3 months were tough and then I think I thought after Christmas was past that was the hard bit done. I finished my counselling around that time and thought the hard bit was done with both battles.
I started a new job in February, back with EY - I thought the familiar faces might help with getting back into work after 6 months. This ended up being badly wrong. The job ended up being twice as stressful as what I've done before and during a really stressful week in mid April, feeling resigned to defeat, I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I was fortunate to be released the next day with no permanent damage done and for that I'm very thankful.
The last 8 weeks or so I've spent signed off work trying to get back to 'normal' and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Clearly Accounting hasn't worked out for me and it's time to do something different but what?!?!. I'm happy that I've 'bounced back' from the overdose a lot quicker than I thought I would and I've by no means gone back to square one in my battle with the depression but I know there's a lot of work still to be done and I'm determined to carry on with it.
I think a lot of my anger stems from not being sure what I want to do and being scared that regardless of what I choose my depression will sabotage it for me. Drinking was my out for so long but it took me away from the problem and this is the first period in my life that I've faced things head on. It's scary...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm sorry for all you've been through NS. I hope you didn't find me too flippant above.
My advice, as an older guy, is don't worry if you don't find your vocation in life right away.
You're 29...I appreciate that may seem old to you but it's really not.
I started my life again from scratch at 40. You have more than enough time to find something that you'll love to do.
Being paid for something you'd do for free is a great feeling. I had that with music, and I hope you'll find it too
I'm so glad you're still with us NS - I fought depression all my life too.
Taking alcohol out of the equation, getting help., and yes resigning from my position as General Manager really helped
D
My advice, as an older guy, is don't worry if you don't find your vocation in life right away.
You're 29...I appreciate that may seem old to you but it's really not.
I started my life again from scratch at 40. You have more than enough time to find something that you'll love to do.
Being paid for something you'd do for free is a great feeling. I had that with music, and I hope you'll find it too
I'm so glad you're still with us NS - I fought depression all my life too.
Taking alcohol out of the equation, getting help., and yes resigning from my position as General Manager really helped
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
Originally Posted by Dee74
That's a long and complicated answer LOL
My drinking was end stage. It was killing me.
Not directly but indirectly through accidents and falls etc. It was really only a matter of time before something really bad happened.
That was good in one way because it made the decision for me. I had to change and try recovery.
I had to take drinking off the table as an option....but I knew stress would continue, so I had to find alternative strategies.
I found exercise was a really good stress buster. I tried meditation too but I could never seem to quiet my mind...but exercise really helped.
I also had to resign as the 'General Manager of the Universe'.
I realised a lot of things I worried and was stressed about were either not my problems, or problems that I could not fix.
I had to develop a faith that thing turned out without my input - maybe not the way I'd like, but they always turned out. I've found that to be true.
I also had to really look at my work to rest ratio.
I'm an all or nothing alcoholic. I needed to make time to rest, relax and recoup, or I'd never stop working.
All this was a process. And yes it was hard for a while- nothing quite delivered the quick fix alcohol did, although things got better with practice.
I find 15 mins exercise or 15 mins playing guitar can really relax me now.
But yeah, sometimes I had to learn to sit with my uncomfortableness.
The more I did that tho, the more endurance for sitting with feelings I got....
and that includes things like grief and loss.
It's natural to grieve and to feel sad - that's the way we humans deal with loss and move it through it to the other side.
Drinking halts that process and keeps us in a holding pattern...it's like we never allow the wound to heal, and we need to keep numbing it over and over.
Feeling is anathema to the alcoholic - we fear it so much that we instinctively try to numb it...but feeling and dealing can bring growth too.
I'm not the same guy I was in 2007. I'm vastly improved in nearly all aspects. I'm happy with who I am, and what my life is like.
Life has it's ups and downs but I have an abiding sense of serenity.
I think that's a great payoff for putting down the bottle.
Anyway I'm going to write an essay here if I don't stop
I'm sure others will chime in too - but feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever Melina...anytime
D
My drinking was end stage. It was killing me.
Not directly but indirectly through accidents and falls etc. It was really only a matter of time before something really bad happened.
That was good in one way because it made the decision for me. I had to change and try recovery.
I had to take drinking off the table as an option....but I knew stress would continue, so I had to find alternative strategies.
I found exercise was a really good stress buster. I tried meditation too but I could never seem to quiet my mind...but exercise really helped.
I also had to resign as the 'General Manager of the Universe'.
I realised a lot of things I worried and was stressed about were either not my problems, or problems that I could not fix.
I had to develop a faith that thing turned out without my input - maybe not the way I'd like, but they always turned out. I've found that to be true.
I also had to really look at my work to rest ratio.
I'm an all or nothing alcoholic. I needed to make time to rest, relax and recoup, or I'd never stop working.
All this was a process. And yes it was hard for a while- nothing quite delivered the quick fix alcohol did, although things got better with practice.
I find 15 mins exercise or 15 mins playing guitar can really relax me now.
But yeah, sometimes I had to learn to sit with my uncomfortableness.
The more I did that tho, the more endurance for sitting with feelings I got....
and that includes things like grief and loss.
It's natural to grieve and to feel sad - that's the way we humans deal with loss and move it through it to the other side.
Drinking halts that process and keeps us in a holding pattern...it's like we never allow the wound to heal, and we need to keep numbing it over and over.
Feeling is anathema to the alcoholic - we fear it so much that we instinctively try to numb it...but feeling and dealing can bring growth too.
I'm not the same guy I was in 2007. I'm vastly improved in nearly all aspects. I'm happy with who I am, and what my life is like.
Life has it's ups and downs but I have an abiding sense of serenity.
I think that's a great payoff for putting down the bottle.
Anyway I'm going to write an essay here if I don't stop
I'm sure others will chime in too - but feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever Melina...anytime
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
~~Food For Thought ~ Thoughful Tuesday Edition~
~~Rituals for Success Part 2~~
~Note~
Here is part two of the twelve daily rituals for long-term happiness and success following up on the yesterday's post: (See Page 2 of this thread for Part 1)
6. Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.
As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life. Less really is more. Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting. Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships. There is a big difference between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and what’s essential.
7. Uphold your truth.
Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way. Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else entirely.
Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are. The people worth spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to be themselves. And that works out well, because you won’t be happy being anyone else.
8. Express your love without reservations.
Love is a verb. Act on it. Today, be the reason someone feels incredibly loved and needed. Give your love away like your life depends on it. Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the car you drove, and maybe not even your name. But they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them. The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you. All of which represent the full expression of your love.
9. Nurture your relationship with your significant other.
Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working with them to create the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture until the end. A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat and positive. It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter in the long run.
A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy. It takes time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together every day to build something special.
10. Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.
Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe you’re not supposed to understand everything. Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen. So never force anything. Give it your best shot, and then let it be.
Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things. So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right. Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.
11. Embrace your humanness.
“Human” is the only real label we are born with. Yet we forget so easily.
To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water. For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in. And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.
12. Ask yourself the right questions.
Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.
What questions are you asking yourself? Are they helping you better understand your purpose? Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?
Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life. And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU. So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions. For instance…
“Who am I?”
“What do I need?”
“How do I function best?”
“What do I have to give?”
“What’s the next step I can take right now?”
~~Rituals for Success Part 2~~
~Note~
Here is part two of the twelve daily rituals for long-term happiness and success following up on the yesterday's post: (See Page 2 of this thread for Part 1)
6. Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.
As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life. Less really is more. Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting. Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships. There is a big difference between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and what’s essential.
7. Uphold your truth.
Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way. Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else entirely.
Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are. The people worth spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to be themselves. And that works out well, because you won’t be happy being anyone else.
8. Express your love without reservations.
Love is a verb. Act on it. Today, be the reason someone feels incredibly loved and needed. Give your love away like your life depends on it. Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the car you drove, and maybe not even your name. But they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them. The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you. All of which represent the full expression of your love.
9. Nurture your relationship with your significant other.
Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working with them to create the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture until the end. A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat and positive. It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter in the long run.
A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy. It takes time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together every day to build something special.
10. Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.
Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe you’re not supposed to understand everything. Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen. So never force anything. Give it your best shot, and then let it be.
Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things. So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right. Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.
11. Embrace your humanness.
“Human” is the only real label we are born with. Yet we forget so easily.
To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water. For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in. And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.
12. Ask yourself the right questions.
Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.
What questions are you asking yourself? Are they helping you better understand your purpose? Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?
Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life. And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU. So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions. For instance…
“Who am I?”
“What do I need?”
“How do I function best?”
“What do I have to give?”
“What’s the next step I can take right now?”
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
Originally Posted by Nightswimming
Thought I would try and share a bit more today. Don't get me wrong, there have been lots of good times in amongst what I describe below but I feel the need to get the negative out today.
I feel like I'm fighting a battle against 2 enemies at the moment - against alcohol and against my depression and anxiety. They are by no means mutually exclusive. At the moment at least, the battle with alcohol has the potential to be winnable. I've made it to 9 months, I realise it is something that I can't take my eye off and over the past few weeks have realised my work is far from over. It is the depression and anxiety that I'm struggling with and it weakens my resolve with drinking.
I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 23 (I'm now 29) but I think I've been suffering from it all my life. I remember the feelings of not wanting to go to school, the panic at not doing my best in exams at school etc etc. When I was 21 I had my first internship with EY, the anxiety kicked up big time. I got offered a graduate job and during my 'reward' holiday to Toronto and New York I had a panic attack in the middle of 5th Avenue and had to fly home the same day. I spent the next 4 days in my flat with the curtains closed, not eating, smoking 30 cigarettes a day and listening to REM until a friend came and literally dragged me outside to rejoin the world. Fortunately at that point I hadn't discovered drinking by myself or the outcome might have been different.
I went back to my final year of uni, had a few sessions of counselling and returned to 'normal'. Had a bit of a meltdown during my final exams (had a total binge of a night drinking with a friend during a week I had 3 exams) but still came out with an upper second for my honours degree. Having run through all my money with holidays, eating and drinking I ended up having to start my job early with EY.
The anxiety of impressing at work combined with worries about how people would view my sexuality (there was still a few 'macho' guys in the department at that point) built and built and then my head finally gave way during my second set of Chartered Accountants exams. Four subjects, 13 weeks of full time classes with 20 hours a week of study expected on top. I spent a whole weekend in my flat again and didn't leave and on the Monday morning I went to the doctor, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and I went to counselling once a week for 6 weeks. I passed all my exams and went back to work.
I met my current partner in the October of that year which has really been the best thing that has happened to me. I'm not really sure why he's still here. I've put him through a lot of **** over the past 5 and a half years. I've offered him the chance to walk away a number of times and he hasn't. I feel so lucky for that and don't know what I would do without him.
Finally in early 2009 my body gave up on me. I had two lots of flu, the second of which the aches and tiredness didn't really go away for almost 2 years. The doctor diagnosed me with Post Viral Fatigue and I spent 4 months off work followed by 3 months of a phased return to work. It was during this time, living on my own that I discovered drinking by myself. A couple of times a week I would drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself and it made me feel better...until I woke up the next morning. This pattern went on until March 2011 when I moved in with my boyfriend. That probably saved me as at that point I was drinking at least 6 beers a night.
Over the next couple of years I was miserable with work, still had after effects from the post viral fatigue and binge drank as often as I could. I tried a different firm in the same field and still felt the same. If my other half went away I would long to get out of work so I could go and get a couple of decent bottles of wine and black myself out. I would drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, set my alarm for 9am, call work and tell them my post viral fatigue had flared up and sleep for the whole day. My bf would be none the wiser, thinking i was at work. I would go on work nights out and drink myself into oblivion and arrive home hours after I was expected home.
Finally in August last year I woke up one day for work with crippling anxiety and realised I just couldn't keep going. I went to the GP, got a line, got myself some proper counselling and after a couple of bad binges realised that if I didn't get sober I was never going to get better. I realised that I wasn't ever going to find what I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle of wine because I didn't even know what it was I wanted to find. I came back to SR and gladly leaned on everyone here for some support. The first 3 months were tough and then I think I thought after Christmas was past that was the hard bit done. I finished my counselling around that time and thought the hard bit was done with both battles.
I started a new job in February, back with EY - I thought the familiar faces might help with getting back into work after 6 months. This ended up being badly wrong. The job ended up being twice as stressful as what I've done before and during a really stressful week in mid April, feeling resigned to defeat, I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I was fortunate to be released the next day with no permanent damage done and for that I'm very thankful.
The last 8 weeks or so I've spent signed off work trying to get back to 'normal' and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Clearly Accounting hasn't worked out for me and it's time to do something different but what?!?!. I'm happy that I've 'bounced back' from the overdose a lot quicker than I thought I would and I've by no means gone back to square one in my battle with the depression but I know there's a lot of work still to be done and I'm determined to carry on with it.
I think a lot of my anger stems from not being sure what I want to do and being scared that regardless of what I choose my depression will sabotage it for me. Drinking was my out for so long but it took me away from the problem and this is the first period in my life that I've faced things head on. It's scary...
I feel like I'm fighting a battle against 2 enemies at the moment - against alcohol and against my depression and anxiety. They are by no means mutually exclusive. At the moment at least, the battle with alcohol has the potential to be winnable. I've made it to 9 months, I realise it is something that I can't take my eye off and over the past few weeks have realised my work is far from over. It is the depression and anxiety that I'm struggling with and it weakens my resolve with drinking.
I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 23 (I'm now 29) but I think I've been suffering from it all my life. I remember the feelings of not wanting to go to school, the panic at not doing my best in exams at school etc etc. When I was 21 I had my first internship with EY, the anxiety kicked up big time. I got offered a graduate job and during my 'reward' holiday to Toronto and New York I had a panic attack in the middle of 5th Avenue and had to fly home the same day. I spent the next 4 days in my flat with the curtains closed, not eating, smoking 30 cigarettes a day and listening to REM until a friend came and literally dragged me outside to rejoin the world. Fortunately at that point I hadn't discovered drinking by myself or the outcome might have been different.
I went back to my final year of uni, had a few sessions of counselling and returned to 'normal'. Had a bit of a meltdown during my final exams (had a total binge of a night drinking with a friend during a week I had 3 exams) but still came out with an upper second for my honours degree. Having run through all my money with holidays, eating and drinking I ended up having to start my job early with EY.
The anxiety of impressing at work combined with worries about how people would view my sexuality (there was still a few 'macho' guys in the department at that point) built and built and then my head finally gave way during my second set of Chartered Accountants exams. Four subjects, 13 weeks of full time classes with 20 hours a week of study expected on top. I spent a whole weekend in my flat again and didn't leave and on the Monday morning I went to the doctor, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and I went to counselling once a week for 6 weeks. I passed all my exams and went back to work.
I met my current partner in the October of that year which has really been the best thing that has happened to me. I'm not really sure why he's still here. I've put him through a lot of **** over the past 5 and a half years. I've offered him the chance to walk away a number of times and he hasn't. I feel so lucky for that and don't know what I would do without him.
Finally in early 2009 my body gave up on me. I had two lots of flu, the second of which the aches and tiredness didn't really go away for almost 2 years. The doctor diagnosed me with Post Viral Fatigue and I spent 4 months off work followed by 3 months of a phased return to work. It was during this time, living on my own that I discovered drinking by myself. A couple of times a week I would drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself and it made me feel better...until I woke up the next morning. This pattern went on until March 2011 when I moved in with my boyfriend. That probably saved me as at that point I was drinking at least 6 beers a night.
Over the next couple of years I was miserable with work, still had after effects from the post viral fatigue and binge drank as often as I could. I tried a different firm in the same field and still felt the same. If my other half went away I would long to get out of work so I could go and get a couple of decent bottles of wine and black myself out. I would drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, set my alarm for 9am, call work and tell them my post viral fatigue had flared up and sleep for the whole day. My bf would be none the wiser, thinking i was at work. I would go on work nights out and drink myself into oblivion and arrive home hours after I was expected home.
Finally in August last year I woke up one day for work with crippling anxiety and realised I just couldn't keep going. I went to the GP, got a line, got myself some proper counselling and after a couple of bad binges realised that if I didn't get sober I was never going to get better. I realised that I wasn't ever going to find what I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle of wine because I didn't even know what it was I wanted to find. I came back to SR and gladly leaned on everyone here for some support. The first 3 months were tough and then I think I thought after Christmas was past that was the hard bit done. I finished my counselling around that time and thought the hard bit was done with both battles.
I started a new job in February, back with EY - I thought the familiar faces might help with getting back into work after 6 months. This ended up being badly wrong. The job ended up being twice as stressful as what I've done before and during a really stressful week in mid April, feeling resigned to defeat, I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I was fortunate to be released the next day with no permanent damage done and for that I'm very thankful.
The last 8 weeks or so I've spent signed off work trying to get back to 'normal' and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Clearly Accounting hasn't worked out for me and it's time to do something different but what?!?!. I'm happy that I've 'bounced back' from the overdose a lot quicker than I thought I would and I've by no means gone back to square one in my battle with the depression but I know there's a lot of work still to be done and I'm determined to carry on with it.
I think a lot of my anger stems from not being sure what I want to do and being scared that regardless of what I choose my depression will sabotage it for me. Drinking was my out for so long but it took me away from the problem and this is the first period in my life that I've faced things head on. It's scary...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 776
~~The Road To A Relapse...Please Read!!!~~
~~Note~~
As always I look to find solutions to potential problems in my own journey and gain insight as to fix them or better understand them and equip myself with better knowledge. I came upon this piece about the road to a relapse and it spoke to me and I've gained so much more insight from it that I wanted to share it with you all. A little lengthy but well work the read and the education. Njoy class!!!
~~Road To A Relapse~~
One might classify at least 3 main avenues down which the road of relapse can arrive. These are :
1) internal feelings and emotions, which overwhelm us and can lead to drinking/using ;
2) external situations, places and people which can trigger drinking/using ;
3) Unhealthy patterns of behaviour and habits which can lead to drinking/using.
There are no hard divisions between the three and, in practice, all three of these tend to overlap, but the direction you come from may tend to lie more in one of these areas than another.
1) External Situations, Places and People
We all found our own particular situations, places and social relationships in which we habitually drank or used. These can be bars, parties, dinners, after-work socialising, sport events, isolation at home, concerts, clubs etc. It can be the company of certain people - drinking buddies, colleagues, partner or, alternatively, being lonely at a bar stool or in front of the TV at home. Certain music, even smells and foods can be associated with drinking/using. These situations are associated with strong negative and positive emotions of pleasure and relief . Physical memory circuits have been established in the brain, which light up automatically when you find yourself in such circumstances and trigger the behavioural response circuits of drinking/using. They may do so consciously, or they may work deep down in the subconscious or unconscious and creep up on you unexpectedly - often when it is too late.
2) Internal Feelings and Emotions
These can be bad emotions and feelings, like anger, sadness, grief, jealousy, hate, loneliness, boredom and depression, from which we search for relief through alcohol/drugs. On the other hand, they can surprisingly also be good feelings like jubilation, euphoria, happiness, exaggerated self-confidence, etc., which are linked to celebration and reward, and which can equally lead us to drinking without thinking. Both negative and positive feelings and emotions can be equally dangerous to our sobriety, if left unrecognised.
Of course, it is not so easy to avoid emotions and feelings. One cannot cancel depression, not turn up for anger, avoid feeling sad, etc. Therefore, one needs to explore what are the most dangerous emotions which you may associate with drinking. Then to realise that these are SEPARATE ISSUES from drinking/using and which are part of « the human condition », which everybody faces (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) and which non-dependent people do not use as an excuse for drinking or turn to bingeing for relief. Having recognised these emotions as separate issues from your Sobriety Priority, you need to find ways for dealing with and expressing these emotions and feelings in a SOBER healthy way
3) Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior and Habits
When we first get sober, we often feel like a fish out of water. We don’t know what to do with ourselves or our time. If we don’t begin to plan and structure a new way of life, then we are at risk of falling back into old patterns and routines. This could be visiting the same bars, restaurants, clubs, staying at home feeling isolated, depressed and lonely, hanging out with old drinking/using friends, etc. Initially, we may not drink or use, while doing these things. We take a Coke or coffee, but, nevertheless, we are essentially acting like an alcohol/addict, a dry drunk/addict, where just the substance has been temporarily displaced.
Of course, it is a good thing to drink non-alcoholic beverages and it is not always possible to avoid places where alcohol or drugs are being used. Staying sober then is a great achievement and one cannot and should not cut oneself from life and live like a hermetic shaman (unless that is your route). The difference, however, is the degree to which you put yourself habitually in places, situations and gatherings which you previously drank/used and/or similar circumstances. Furthermore, you may not realise yourself, but by being in these situations, you are fermenting habitual modes of thought, feelings and emotions which you had when you were drinking/using. By encouraging the growth of such addictive behaviours and thoughts, you are then only one step away from the act of drinking and using itself. By getting back into the old habits and patterns you are only rehearsing your role before actually going on stage.
Of course, addicted or not, human beings are creatures of habit who tend to fall back on old routines and habits, especially in times of difficulty or stress. The alcoholic/addict is not only the ultimate creature of habit, but is also chemically dependent on a substance and physically drawn to it. Our tendency to fall back on old patterns and habits is, therefore, ten times stronger than the average person. The chemical dependency is like some implanted magnet which is attracted to a bottle or drug. Acting in behaviours previously associated with drinking or using draws us more and more closely into the « magnetic field » of active addiction. If one keeps moving in these circles of addictive behaviours, it is only a matter time before one connects and gets stuck again.
In the earlier period and in times of difficulty, it is, therefore, essential to break away from old habits and behaviours as much as possible. Firstly, spend a many of your evenings as possible in recovery meetings. This is especially so a we don’t often notice what is happening and recognise warning sign in our thoughts or behaviours. Others, however, may be able to recognise this and warn us and forewarned is forearmed !
Make a list of place, people and situations to avoid and prepare excuses to not go. Don’t give in to pressure from others to be somewhere you shouldn’t be. If you can’t say the truth, say you are ill. Indeed, remember you are ill. You are recovering from a life-threatening illness ! Your life comes first ! Your priority is Sobriety. Draw up a day plan - hour by hour. Think of new, SAFE, places and people. Go swimming, cinema, get videos, go to the library, start a hobby, join a club, etc. And do things you like. Sobriety is not a penance. Reward yourself with fun for having saved your own life and having a second chance. Build a new life.
Building a new life is not an easy thing. We often have to deal with the left over problems from our past and we suffer mood swings, up and downs, depression, etc., in the course of sobriety. But then so do non-alcoholic people. Like them, however, we, NOW, do not drink/use whatever the situation. By remaining sober, a new sober and rewarding life will gradually emerge. But that doesn’t mean it will be without all the problems and tragedies, as well as great moments and good times that the rest of humanity faces. That’s sober life, and that’s just life.
With time and practice, you will find you are able to subdue and, to a degree, deactivate those old knee-jerk alcoholic/using reactions. The longer one is sober, then the more these mental associations and neurological pathways become dormant. New more healthy associations linked to sober life take their place and become more automatic. We learn how to deal with negative and positive emotions without reaching for the bottle/drug. We grow in self-confidence and value through our accumulated ability to deal with the world on its terms and not that dictated by the drink or drug. We learn to establish more healthy patterns of behaviour, based on a new life style, habits, new places, friends and activities. Life becomes richer and more worth living. You grow and develop more sides to yourself and your place in society and life at large.
However, dormant associations never totally die. The « sleeping vampire » can always potentially be reawakened under certain circumstances and conditions. Therefore, we must never be complacent. However long our sobriety we must always be on guard for life’s unexpected challenges and the need to arm ourselves against possible relapse. Below you will find some suggestions which may help you. You may also wish to read books and take therapy as an adjunct to recovery. Above all use your SOS group to talk about your problems and to find practical help and support from others in recovery who face similar problems.
~~Note~~
As always I look to find solutions to potential problems in my own journey and gain insight as to fix them or better understand them and equip myself with better knowledge. I came upon this piece about the road to a relapse and it spoke to me and I've gained so much more insight from it that I wanted to share it with you all. A little lengthy but well work the read and the education. Njoy class!!!
~~Road To A Relapse~~
One might classify at least 3 main avenues down which the road of relapse can arrive. These are :
1) internal feelings and emotions, which overwhelm us and can lead to drinking/using ;
2) external situations, places and people which can trigger drinking/using ;
3) Unhealthy patterns of behaviour and habits which can lead to drinking/using.
There are no hard divisions between the three and, in practice, all three of these tend to overlap, but the direction you come from may tend to lie more in one of these areas than another.
1) External Situations, Places and People
We all found our own particular situations, places and social relationships in which we habitually drank or used. These can be bars, parties, dinners, after-work socialising, sport events, isolation at home, concerts, clubs etc. It can be the company of certain people - drinking buddies, colleagues, partner or, alternatively, being lonely at a bar stool or in front of the TV at home. Certain music, even smells and foods can be associated with drinking/using. These situations are associated with strong negative and positive emotions of pleasure and relief . Physical memory circuits have been established in the brain, which light up automatically when you find yourself in such circumstances and trigger the behavioural response circuits of drinking/using. They may do so consciously, or they may work deep down in the subconscious or unconscious and creep up on you unexpectedly - often when it is too late.
2) Internal Feelings and Emotions
These can be bad emotions and feelings, like anger, sadness, grief, jealousy, hate, loneliness, boredom and depression, from which we search for relief through alcohol/drugs. On the other hand, they can surprisingly also be good feelings like jubilation, euphoria, happiness, exaggerated self-confidence, etc., which are linked to celebration and reward, and which can equally lead us to drinking without thinking. Both negative and positive feelings and emotions can be equally dangerous to our sobriety, if left unrecognised.
Of course, it is not so easy to avoid emotions and feelings. One cannot cancel depression, not turn up for anger, avoid feeling sad, etc. Therefore, one needs to explore what are the most dangerous emotions which you may associate with drinking. Then to realise that these are SEPARATE ISSUES from drinking/using and which are part of « the human condition », which everybody faces (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) and which non-dependent people do not use as an excuse for drinking or turn to bingeing for relief. Having recognised these emotions as separate issues from your Sobriety Priority, you need to find ways for dealing with and expressing these emotions and feelings in a SOBER healthy way
3) Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior and Habits
When we first get sober, we often feel like a fish out of water. We don’t know what to do with ourselves or our time. If we don’t begin to plan and structure a new way of life, then we are at risk of falling back into old patterns and routines. This could be visiting the same bars, restaurants, clubs, staying at home feeling isolated, depressed and lonely, hanging out with old drinking/using friends, etc. Initially, we may not drink or use, while doing these things. We take a Coke or coffee, but, nevertheless, we are essentially acting like an alcohol/addict, a dry drunk/addict, where just the substance has been temporarily displaced.
Of course, it is a good thing to drink non-alcoholic beverages and it is not always possible to avoid places where alcohol or drugs are being used. Staying sober then is a great achievement and one cannot and should not cut oneself from life and live like a hermetic shaman (unless that is your route). The difference, however, is the degree to which you put yourself habitually in places, situations and gatherings which you previously drank/used and/or similar circumstances. Furthermore, you may not realise yourself, but by being in these situations, you are fermenting habitual modes of thought, feelings and emotions which you had when you were drinking/using. By encouraging the growth of such addictive behaviours and thoughts, you are then only one step away from the act of drinking and using itself. By getting back into the old habits and patterns you are only rehearsing your role before actually going on stage.
Of course, addicted or not, human beings are creatures of habit who tend to fall back on old routines and habits, especially in times of difficulty or stress. The alcoholic/addict is not only the ultimate creature of habit, but is also chemically dependent on a substance and physically drawn to it. Our tendency to fall back on old patterns and habits is, therefore, ten times stronger than the average person. The chemical dependency is like some implanted magnet which is attracted to a bottle or drug. Acting in behaviours previously associated with drinking or using draws us more and more closely into the « magnetic field » of active addiction. If one keeps moving in these circles of addictive behaviours, it is only a matter time before one connects and gets stuck again.
In the earlier period and in times of difficulty, it is, therefore, essential to break away from old habits and behaviours as much as possible. Firstly, spend a many of your evenings as possible in recovery meetings. This is especially so a we don’t often notice what is happening and recognise warning sign in our thoughts or behaviours. Others, however, may be able to recognise this and warn us and forewarned is forearmed !
Make a list of place, people and situations to avoid and prepare excuses to not go. Don’t give in to pressure from others to be somewhere you shouldn’t be. If you can’t say the truth, say you are ill. Indeed, remember you are ill. You are recovering from a life-threatening illness ! Your life comes first ! Your priority is Sobriety. Draw up a day plan - hour by hour. Think of new, SAFE, places and people. Go swimming, cinema, get videos, go to the library, start a hobby, join a club, etc. And do things you like. Sobriety is not a penance. Reward yourself with fun for having saved your own life and having a second chance. Build a new life.
Building a new life is not an easy thing. We often have to deal with the left over problems from our past and we suffer mood swings, up and downs, depression, etc., in the course of sobriety. But then so do non-alcoholic people. Like them, however, we, NOW, do not drink/use whatever the situation. By remaining sober, a new sober and rewarding life will gradually emerge. But that doesn’t mean it will be without all the problems and tragedies, as well as great moments and good times that the rest of humanity faces. That’s sober life, and that’s just life.
With time and practice, you will find you are able to subdue and, to a degree, deactivate those old knee-jerk alcoholic/using reactions. The longer one is sober, then the more these mental associations and neurological pathways become dormant. New more healthy associations linked to sober life take their place and become more automatic. We learn how to deal with negative and positive emotions without reaching for the bottle/drug. We grow in self-confidence and value through our accumulated ability to deal with the world on its terms and not that dictated by the drink or drug. We learn to establish more healthy patterns of behaviour, based on a new life style, habits, new places, friends and activities. Life becomes richer and more worth living. You grow and develop more sides to yourself and your place in society and life at large.
However, dormant associations never totally die. The « sleeping vampire » can always potentially be reawakened under certain circumstances and conditions. Therefore, we must never be complacent. However long our sobriety we must always be on guard for life’s unexpected challenges and the need to arm ourselves against possible relapse. Below you will find some suggestions which may help you. You may also wish to read books and take therapy as an adjunct to recovery. Above all use your SOS group to talk about your problems and to find practical help and support from others in recovery who face similar problems.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,178
Originally Posted by BLKDIESEL
PBC, thank you for this post, it really resonated with me. I've have been on a spiritual transformation over the past year or so and you seem to be pretty grounded in your faith as well. Did you always have this dedication to your faith or has it been a product of your sobriety?
This was such a conundrum for me when I was lost in my addiction, because my faith wasn't failing. I was still close to God, and I couldn't figure out what my problem was. I knew I needed to stop, I just couldn't seem to actually do it. I'd try, and fail, and be guilt-ridden and depressed.
I remember once a couple years ago we were travelling over Easter, and I wanted to visit a church on Easter morning. We went to one in Alabama, and it was incredible. During that service, I prayed like crazy about my alcoholism, and I feel God revealed something to me. I saw myself being carried out of a war zone by Him. I was weak and hurt, and there was wreckage and disaster around me, but He was carrying me out as the dust settled around me. I felt Him say to me in that moment that He WOULD save me. He WOULD carry me out of this. It wouldn't be my doing, and there would be some devastation around me, but He wasn't going to let me die in this.
And He did save me. Now I'm doing what I need to do to STAY saved. AA is my lifeline, and I am thoroughly convinced that He brought it into my life. So I'm attending meetings regularly, reading, praying, working the steps, and reaching out to other alcoholics with the hope I've been given.
Our group meets in a church, and this fall they're changing their Sunday night recovery service a bit. I'm hoping to become more regularly involved in leading that, in both music and preaching, when they do.
Aren't you glad you asked? Ha ha! That was yet another book from me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,178
To add to what I just wrote, here are some things that I love about AA.
I quit drinking many times ... but I could never STAY sober for long. I'd get a little sobriety under my belt and the lies would start: "See? I'm not an alcoholic like some alcoholics. I'm different. I can drink moderately now. I'm just going to have a little tonight, then tomorrow get back on the sobriety bandwagon. It was a hard day/good day/perfect-day-so-I'm-strong-at-the-moment-and-can-do-this [insert pretty much anything here]." And then I'd drink, and I'd be off and running again.
AA keeps my head in the game. Listening to the stories of those around me reminds me of why I quit. It reminds me that I have a disease. It reminds me that alcohol doesn't make my life better ... it makes it worse. It informs me of the nature of the beast and calls out the lies in my head for what they are. It keeps me accountable. It shows me that sobriety is absolutely possible long-term, even after years of alcoholism. It reinforces that living sober is a GOOD thing, and "living" drunk isn't.
And ... it teaches me how to LIVE sober. This is huge. Of the 12 steps, only the first one actually mentions alcohol. The rest are all about learning a better way to live, to cope, to be. Honestly, everyone could benefit greatly from the steps, addict or not!
It's a program about NOT DRINKING, and about living WELL - sober and free and balanced and serene. That's pretty powerful! It's exactly what I need.
I quit drinking many times ... but I could never STAY sober for long. I'd get a little sobriety under my belt and the lies would start: "See? I'm not an alcoholic like some alcoholics. I'm different. I can drink moderately now. I'm just going to have a little tonight, then tomorrow get back on the sobriety bandwagon. It was a hard day/good day/perfect-day-so-I'm-strong-at-the-moment-and-can-do-this [insert pretty much anything here]." And then I'd drink, and I'd be off and running again.
AA keeps my head in the game. Listening to the stories of those around me reminds me of why I quit. It reminds me that I have a disease. It reminds me that alcohol doesn't make my life better ... it makes it worse. It informs me of the nature of the beast and calls out the lies in my head for what they are. It keeps me accountable. It shows me that sobriety is absolutely possible long-term, even after years of alcoholism. It reinforces that living sober is a GOOD thing, and "living" drunk isn't.
And ... it teaches me how to LIVE sober. This is huge. Of the 12 steps, only the first one actually mentions alcohol. The rest are all about learning a better way to live, to cope, to be. Honestly, everyone could benefit greatly from the steps, addict or not!
It's a program about NOT DRINKING, and about living WELL - sober and free and balanced and serene. That's pretty powerful! It's exactly what I need.
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