Marcher13

Good morning Marchers from a grey rainy -- well, spitting -- part of the world. The Australians are about half an hour into a match with Chile and the score is 2-0 Chile's way. Who can predict the outcome??? Well, we can't be good at everything can we.

I had a wonderful realisation this morning. Next week is the shortest day and usually I am completely depressed by this stage of the season and utterly sorry for myself despite the fact that we have about nine and a half hours of daylight on the shortest day. This year I don't love it but it's not nearly as bad as it usually is -- I wonder if this is yet another benefit of sobriety?

Have a good day peeps.

venuscat

I agree.

Good morning Marchers! ♥

Love V xx

Gilmer

Thanks, V!

1Dayatatyme

North, I agree with some of the other posts I read... you may want to send it around to other publishers, self publish, etc... I have a friend who publishes her books as e-books only, and it works for her.

Good for you to decide that this is not worth drinking over!

Sass,
Thank you for providing more info on the thyroid/ptsd connection. It is interesting what sparks our curiosity, isn't it? Because I firmly believe in a mind/body/spirit connection, it makes sense. I will probably research it further when I have some time as the subject is also connected to my line of work.

Anyway, TGIF, I am watching an old PBS series with Julia and Jacques cooking duck, and I am laughing my butt off... Julia began the show by using her duck call. Thank goodness for free over the air TV!

360shoes

I love that cooking show 1Day. Wasn't Julia amazing. I loved how she flirted with Johnny Carson. She had such sex appeal with men. I should have learned to cook.

Gilmer. You are amazing. Period.

I sort of do almost live vintage Marcher. I'm not shaped right for the clothes. I'm not petite. Girls were smaller back then. Otherwise I would love to dress like the 40's. My hands don't even fit in the white gloves they always wore with their fabulous suits and hats. But everything in my house I use. Don't care if it breaks. Pretty things were meant to be used. What's the point of having them if you don't use them. MF was just over and I put my big bottle of sparkly water in my silver french champagne bucket and we had wings on my 1920s haviland china on my thrift store patio. Which is where I got the bucket and china btw. I'm still p.o.'d over that mixer.

Which reminds me. I had a horrible evening. Just when I said I didn't get depressed. I feel awful. MF is having trouble finding job and he is lower than I've ever seen him. My fix it trigger has been flipped like nobody's business. I just sat and cried when he left. He had to call his mom tonight and wanted to be at his house when he did it. She's having trouble. He can't help her. I can't help anyone. I feel like I'm going to puke.

I want to drink. I won't. But I sure hate how I feel right now. I'm glad I don't have those pills because I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't take one now if I did. I'd justify it by telling myself it wasn't alcohol. And I know I would only eat one just to shut down these horrible feelings. I feel helpless. I suck at not trying to fix. I have no idea how to not do it. Doing nothing doesn't feel right. In fact it makes me feel empty.

I'm hoping blabbing it out helps.

Marcher13

But Shoes my sweet you did a fix, you listened to MF and I'm willing to bet that's precisely what he wanted you to do. You can't beat that. Well maybe you could beat that if you had a pink mixer -- go find that woman and I'll stuff her in the mixer for you.

lifetplant

Shoes i'm sorry you're feeling so low...........I know you'll find that strength but i'm glad you're reaching out.

North, sorry about the manuscript, you never did answer my question about what it was about? I agree with the others, keep on keeping on, great you're not tempted to turn to the booze.

Gilmer, one very brave and humble lady. Hope you enjoying your lounging, log may it continue eh

My first day tomorrow of my mandatory two day drink driving course. I hope someone nice in my class, fingers crossed.

Hi and love to all.

LP
x

venuscat

Good luck for tomorrow life ~ it will be OK, I promise. (from experience).

Nite all,

V xx ♥

1Dayatatyme

Shoes: Kudos for being aware of one of your issues! It is my understanding that awareness is 50% of the problem being solved. So you like to fix... and feel awful when you can't... welcome to the world of motherhood... you can listen, you can validate feelings, and you can accept non judgmentally. Then, IMHO, the other person needs to take action and work on their situation.

I call it being human... we just can't wave a magic wand and make it all better for someone else; but don't underestimate the value of genuinely loving and caring support and encouragement.

This is just my experience, but in the early 2000's, after I had some time clean and sober, I then went to l-Anon and Co Dependents Anonymous because I discovered another layer to this little onion.. in a word... overresponsibility... for how the other person feels and I had no idea how to let go. Some of the most important work I've done. It felt so awful, I had a problem with guilt when I couldn't make someone else happy or fix them, especially without having a drink or a drug to numb the feelings. Those two 12 step programs gave my life peace and happiness and freedom to not get enmeshed
in relationships. I believe that is why my adult children maintain contact with me on a regular basis and express their love... I don't try to fix, advise, meddle, or overstep my bounds. And Shoes, I am not telling you what to do, I am just sharing my experience, strength, and hope. Because you are clean and sober, I bet you are going to find a healthy way to deal with your need to fix things for others.
It is nice to wake up early on a Saturday with a lot of energy and a beautiful day, weather wise, ahead. I will be checking in later.

tootsl1

Shoes it is hard to watch someone you care for suffer and of course it is natural to want to fix. Doesn't mean you can't help. Think of something cheap of free you can both enjoy and go do it.
Practically, has he updated his résumé is he looking in all the best places? Is he on LinkdIn? Does he check craigslist? Is he willing to consider changing careers? All of these are practical thoughts that can help him. It isn't fixing. Good luck.

Life good luck too with to he driving class. Doesn't matter what the others are like, just get it over with and in your rear view mirror.

Sass, thank you for the chortle this morning, and of course now I will be able to stop using the 'H' word!!

VC how are you feeling today? It's good to see you back out of your shell xxx

Gilmer, I think you are awesome. Did anyway, but now your poster is going up on my wall.
Well off to look at a waterfall shortly. Hope it isn't a disappointment. It did rain last night so that should help.

Have a good weekend All Y'all

360shoes

I'm learning. Jeez, 1Day, if this is part of motherhood, I have a whole new admiration for moms. How in the heck do you do it?

I feel a little better today but not a lot. I googled "fixer" last night and co dependent and a whole bunch of other things came up that I would have never in a million years would have thought were me. Looking for others approval? Over emotionally tied? Co-dependent? Of all my problems I never saw this one. I just thought I was a good problem solver. Boy last night hit me. Thanks 1Day, I think I am going to checking out to see if there are any of those meetings. I can't afford a counselor now. Thank Buddha for free support groups.

Logically in my head I get all I can do is be there. My heart just ain't listening. And it isn't because I think I'm smarter or a better problem solver. I just want everyone to be happy and life to stop being so hard for people. I guess I do feel that being sad or life being hard for me is okay...just not other people. I'm scared I will lose them.

This may very well be a childhood issue. Even as a kid I always felt responsible for my mom and couldn't stand her being angry with me. Ever. So I always tried to so hard to be perfect for her. She had some kind of mental illness when I was growing up and I would get my brother ready for school and she would sit on the couch staring out the window in her pajamas. We would come home from school and she would still be there. In the same exact position. She also wasn't very touchy feely. I don't remember her ever hugging me as a kid.

I am not blaming my poor mom for anything. She obviously needed help and didn't get it. It just was what it was. I'm the one that found a not so healthy way of dealing with it. It's no ones fault.

So I guess I kind of get where I fix. If I can fix someone's unhappiness maybe they will love me more and not leave me. Ask me how that's been working for me so far.

F me. And I thought 2 bottles of Chardonnay a night was my only problem.

Oh well, I survived. Felt like cr*p. Didn't run away from it. Feel a little better. You all helped me figure out another dimension of myself I didn't realize.

Yay group support!!! Thank you.

xoxo

lifetplant

OH dearest Shoes, we've all heard of Coldplay's "Fix You". Love the song, love the lyrics. At times everyone needs fixing............even people who are used to not being fixed, giving, not taking.

For some reason, this song came to mind...........for you, and, given the renascent conversations on here recently, for a whole lot of Marchers.

LP x

Jimmy Cliff - Many Rivers To Cross - YouTube

1Dayatatyme

Shoes, I am impressed at the lightning speed you were able to gain insight!

I am experiencing that desire to help and at the same time am "detaching with love" with one of my sons.

I don't know if you remember several of my posts from last year when I shared that one of my sons was engaged to a woman from Istanbul. Since Fall 2013 they have been working with immigration attorneys and getting their ducks in a row for her to be able to come over here and get married. I can't believe what a long, drawn out process it is!

Last evening, my son called. He has a document sitting on his bedroom dresser that he needs to sign and get notarized. He said the document is one where he is confirming that if his fiancee is granted a visa to the US, he will marry her within 90 days. Well, he is very confused, a case of cold feet, and is not ready to sign it. He spent at least 45 minutes on the phone with me discussing his feelings and listing the pros and cons of marrying her. Even after 5 or 6 years of knowing her, spending a lot of money on attorney fees, and spending a lot of time providing necessary documentation he is experiencing some doubt.
I listened, I validated his feelings, reflected what I heard him saying and let him know no matter what he decides I will support his decision. I did not give him one bit of advice or tell him what he "should" do. I felt sad for him that he is going through this torment, and yet all I can do is stay clean and sober so that I can be emotionally present when he needs to process with me. More importantly I can live my life without obsessing over ways that I can "fix" the situation, or somehow making it my fault. I can let go. I don't have to let his struggle cloud the happy aspects of my life and I don't label myself selfish either. The work I have done makes my life much easier.
There is a thread here on SR for Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addicted Parents and from what I read there, when I visit that thread from time to time, it seems a lot of the information resonates as well for Adult Children of mentally ill parents. I think I shared last year ( I know I shared in some private messages) I came from a dysfunctional family. So, when an issue arises relating to that part of my life, I go to that thread, and sure enough, I usually find some words of wisdom or comfort.
Anyway, my daughter called, and she is bringing Seraphina to visit in about an hour so I am going to tidy up a bit. I will turn my son and his issues over to God/Buddha/Higher Power so that I can be free to enjoy the baby.

digdug

It's nice to have free time.

After spending $8k on medical bills last year, apparently I've been hoarding money because I was afraid something else bad would happen to me. But nothing bad yet. So I treated myself to a new wireless router. I know, not the biggest purchase, but apparently, I'm too cheap.

Gilmer - my mom has had dozens of eye surgeries, two cornea transplants and god knows how many procedures. But at 66, she is still chugging along, even if I have to read her the dinner menu sometimes. I hope the same goes for you

Duffster

Wow, 1day, I'm going to tuck that approach away in my mind for when my boys are older. Not sure I can pull it off but something to strive for in my future relationship with them. But for now our biggest problems are learning how to share toys and not use "potty mouths" with each other

So rough rough day today. And out of the blue for no apparent reason! Some of the worst urges I've had since this time around. Almost since I woke up this morning. I came close, I must admit. I was seriously thinking about who I could call who would drink with me. I had to pass up going out on the boat with the family because I really wanted to pack a cooler for myself. I cleaned, I went out for errands, I worked on some church stuff, and then I came to SR and spent time on different threads on different boards. Eventually it passed. This went way beyond the need for urge surfing - this was some serious white knuckling. But so glad it passed and SR has a way of bringing me back to reality. Now I am safely tucked in at home for the night and I've downloaded a good book on my iPad which I'm going to start soon.

BuddinK

You did the right thing Duff!!! Way to go!

Shoes, one of the reasons I'm solo is that I always picked fixer uppers as partners. After trying too many times to fix them, and getting burnt and or frustrated, I just don't have the energy or desire to try it again.

Gilmer

Thank you all for your kind words!

I have read everybody's posts, and my brain is too frazzled to be able to itemize; but I just want to tell each one of you that you are wonderful. The universe is truly a much better place with you guys in it. I know that sounds like a cliche, but I just love you all so much for what you bring here as individuals. You bring me a lot of joy, and I'm sure you bring joy to your loved ones, too.

I hope everybody feels better tomorrow.

Saskia

Gilmer, I'm going to echo what you just said. This is a truly incredible, warm, caring group of dear friends. It sounds like some of us had Friday the 13th a day late but hope everyone wakes up tomorrow in a good spot! (((Hugs)))

venuscat

Hi everyone.

shoes ~ have to agree with 1Day. You moved through that at lightning speed. And helped me see something I needed to see about my childhood. I'm not afraid of anyone leaving me, but I am always, every day of my life, afraid of people being angry with me. Because then you see you never know what will come next, and it is always terrifying. (Man, how do you get rid of this stuff???)

shoes ~ you are a wonderful woman. I believe that you attract people into your life who are worthy of you. Good people. Your man will work his way through this, and all you need to do is support him. It's going to be OK.

1Day ~ you are an amazing mother. And a very wise woman.
I am so glad you are here with us.

Love to every single Marcher,

V xx

Gilmer

My dad had a very scary and unsettling experience yesterday while I was down at my in-laws'. He drove to McDonalds, as is his daily custom, then found himself feeling very weak and dizzy. He needed help walking out to his car. When he got there, he couldn't remember the way home. Fortunately, by the grace of God, he saw a man walking on the side of the road, and he stopped, showed the man his driver's license with our address, and the man got in the car and drove my dad home. I have no idea how the man got home himself!

So this is the clear sign that now is really the time for my dad to stop driving. We've known that for awhile, but he has been determined to keep on. I have not wanted to take away his dignity in any way, but the time has come, and I'll have to have "that conversation" within the week.

He still thinks it was "just one of those things"--he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's declining. I will suggest to him that he go to the doctor and tell him exactly what happened.

Meanwhile, I will start taking him to his daily outings to McDonald's and the supermarket. He's been lonely lately, and I have been rather selfish, because it's tough to converse with him. This might actually make him happier in the long run.

He has a lot of doctor's appointments, which I have always been glad he drives himself to--but I guess I will have to make time for those.

To tell the truth, I often make it a point to hide from my dad, because he really grates on my nerves. Now I will just have to do the right thing and lay my life down for him. He really doesn't ask much. I am sure just spending time with him (even if I don't talk much) will make him happier in his tough time.

He is extra sad right now because my closest aunt just died. She was 93. She was a hoot! I expect I will drive us up to PA for the funeral this week. Maybe we can talk then.