Class of December 2012 - Part 10
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
Posts: 528
There's a famous motorcycle road race in Northern Ireland called the North West 200. Many years ago I rode my bike from Southampton to Fishguard, caught the ferry to Eire, stayed over then rode to Limerick then Dublin then to Enniskillen then to Belfast to meet Mrs N (who flew over in her bike gear). We watched the racing for the weekend then I dropped her back at Belfast airport and took the ferry to Stranraer (then did Stranraer to Southampton in one hit, ouch).
The ferry is a aircraft hanger sized fast cat, must have held a good 5 or 6 hundred bikes, as we rolled off the ferry and through the town of Stranraer the good people were lining the streets and waving flags and all sorts, was a good start to a 12 hour ride!
(The flags were Union Jacks and so forth btw not "Bikers Go Home"
The ferry is a aircraft hanger sized fast cat, must have held a good 5 or 6 hundred bikes, as we rolled off the ferry and through the town of Stranraer the good people were lining the streets and waving flags and all sorts, was a good start to a 12 hour ride!
(The flags were Union Jacks and so forth btw not "Bikers Go Home"
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
You all have been very sweet. I just want to say a couple of things.
I had a couple of fantasy relapses in mind, and the one I chose to execute was sordid, pathetic, and miserable. After the first couple of drinks, oblivion opened up -- but I rapidly populated it with my self-hatred. Not a fun place. I ended up crawling around my apartment floor because I was too drunk to stand, and being woken up out of semi-consciousness by my son and lying to him that I was sick ("don't come near, I might be contagious"). I'm only telling you this because it seems to me important that the way I chose to go out was to go back to my bottom as fast as I could. There was a "first drink" on Friday afternoon, and after that, I turned over control completely.
I can't say that I won't ever try to drink again, but it will be a long time. I seem to have lost the mental ability to drink in any but a completely compulsive, self-destructive way, and I've lost the physical ability to tolerate it. I remember now that I didn't quit before because I wanted to -- I quit because I had to.
Since I can't drink, and staying free of alcohol does not in and of itself allow me to see value in life, I realize I need to address my problems that are in addition to alcohol directly. I'm not sure how I'll proceed, but I'll start by talking to some doctors and maybe my husband.
If you need a reminder that there's no romance left in the bottle, let it be me.
I had a couple of fantasy relapses in mind, and the one I chose to execute was sordid, pathetic, and miserable. After the first couple of drinks, oblivion opened up -- but I rapidly populated it with my self-hatred. Not a fun place. I ended up crawling around my apartment floor because I was too drunk to stand, and being woken up out of semi-consciousness by my son and lying to him that I was sick ("don't come near, I might be contagious"). I'm only telling you this because it seems to me important that the way I chose to go out was to go back to my bottom as fast as I could. There was a "first drink" on Friday afternoon, and after that, I turned over control completely.
I can't say that I won't ever try to drink again, but it will be a long time. I seem to have lost the mental ability to drink in any but a completely compulsive, self-destructive way, and I've lost the physical ability to tolerate it. I remember now that I didn't quit before because I wanted to -- I quit because I had to.
Since I can't drink, and staying free of alcohol does not in and of itself allow me to see value in life, I realize I need to address my problems that are in addition to alcohol directly. I'm not sure how I'll proceed, but I'll start by talking to some doctors and maybe my husband.
If you need a reminder that there's no romance left in the bottle, let it be me.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Great to see you back courage. I'm glad you didn't enjoy it and it's shown you that any pleasant images/thoughts/feelings you had about alcohol were lies.
You sound positive about the future and what you plan to do which is great, You can do this and we're here for you,
You sound positive about the future and what you plan to do which is great, You can do this and we're here for you,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
oh pleasantly tired I am. Stew was good, little salty, used a little to much tenderizer/seasoning I think Did who knows how many loads of laundry, got bath and bedroom cleaned. vacumned all over. Hubby got all the Christmas lights down and put away. Now with my belly full time to relax and enjoy the evening. I hope all of you had a peaceful Sunday. Courage I was so relieved to see your post I cant tell ya!
nighters all!
nighters all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
Courage - You are very brave to tell us the details of your relapse. I who have been relapsing on and off since last March (actually can't call it relapsing anymore I pretty much back to my old patterns including last night) do not have the same courage or strength to completely reveal the details of my recent drinking. You have such strength I know you can pick yourself up and get back on the right road and I am hoping that I can too and will do my best to be strong for you and for me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
Continueing my status of drama queen. Hubbies has a very favorite family member (grew up together). Was just diagnosed with multiple myaloma, in hips and legs. This is the same cancer that took my sister. I don't know how to tell him with his dad just passing. Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
Just got off phone with my best friend, we talked and she really helped. I realized that hubby already knows about the cancer, just not what kind. That will make it easier. Hubby knows I talk to cousins wife on FB, so I cannot pretend I do not know.
Interesting how I have noticed that whenever anything stressful/negative happens to me I come here to SR right away, maybe it is a defense type thing, keeping the AV from grabbing hold. Its working if that's the case!
Interesting how I have noticed that whenever anything stressful/negative happens to me I come here to SR right away, maybe it is a defense type thing, keeping the AV from grabbing hold. Its working if that's the case!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Hi everyone. Just checking in. My doctor is taking me off hormones. We'll see what that's like. And I have a number for a psychotherapist, just to find out what it's like to talk to one of those.
Tazzle, I'm sorry to hear about more sadness among your family and loved ones. You seem to be handling things in a very stable, giving way.
TTBABP, I know you've been struggling for a long time. For me, I just have to admit (again) that I need help. You don't have to feel as bad as you do. There is help out there -- you just have to give yourself permission to ask for it.
Tazzle, I'm sorry to hear about more sadness among your family and loved ones. You seem to be handling things in a very stable, giving way.
TTBABP, I know you've been struggling for a long time. For me, I just have to admit (again) that I need help. You don't have to feel as bad as you do. There is help out there -- you just have to give yourself permission to ask for it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
hello all. Hubby seemed to take the news better than I had thought. But he does seem to internalize a lot. and I am just standing by for when he needs me.
We did come up with a fun thing to do for dinner. one day a week one of us will cook a dinner that we have never had before. we have been getting into the proverbial rut and I thought this would be a fun way to get out of it. He wasn't to sure about the once a week thing, than I explained he would only be cooking every other week,, he still wasn't to sure though
We did come up with a fun thing to do for dinner. one day a week one of us will cook a dinner that we have never had before. we have been getting into the proverbial rut and I thought this would be a fun way to get out of it. He wasn't to sure about the once a week thing, than I explained he would only be cooking every other week,, he still wasn't to sure though
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Sorry to hear about your news Tazzle. at least your husband knows now. I like the idea of cooking night and may do something similar with Mr RAL
Courage-I'm so glad you went to your doc. hoping you feel better soon
TTBABP= welcome back,I've just posted on your other thread
Taking junior RAL to playcentre after preschool today then a ton of paperwork to do,tax return, invoices,sorting out stuff I've been neglecting etc
Tomorrow is my 'free' day and I have yoga and massage then swim and sauna. I'm looking forward to it more this week than normal.
Have a good day everyone
Courage-I'm so glad you went to your doc. hoping you feel better soon
TTBABP= welcome back,I've just posted on your other thread
Taking junior RAL to playcentre after preschool today then a ton of paperwork to do,tax return, invoices,sorting out stuff I've been neglecting etc
Tomorrow is my 'free' day and I have yoga and massage then swim and sauna. I'm looking forward to it more this week than normal. Have a good day everyone
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Ready, yoga+massage+spa+sauna sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself. Wonderful!
Tazzle, I think it sounds like you & your husband have a great partnership. Please tell us what you each cook up for your virgin performance!
Gonzo, how are you doing? Have you met with your doctor yet?
I'm just checking in. My son left today, which makes me sad, but he'll only be about 6 hours by bus away, not so far as before. And I'm going to try to write him once a week. On a good note, my husband came home tonight. I didn't tell him about drinking, but he's knows I've been depressed. Probably he's put two & two together.
Also, I've been talking to my former sponsor most days lately, and I guess in a way she's my sponsor again -- she "fired" herself more than I fired her, and I asked her if it's ok if I check in regularly again with her, and she said "yes." But I'm not in any hurry to start back on the steps, and I'm not in any hurry to talk in a meeting about what I did. I don't know, though, because I'll probably go to my home group tomorrow, and I almost always share there. We'll see.
Tomorrow, I have to go to my office -- I can't avoid it any more. When I was first detoxing before I was so nervous I would pace around the halls looking for distractions, then was likely to burst into tears if I happened to talk to anyone. I hope that doesn't happen now.
Thanks everyone, for all the support. It means a lot to me.
Tazzle, I think it sounds like you & your husband have a great partnership. Please tell us what you each cook up for your virgin performance!
Gonzo, how are you doing? Have you met with your doctor yet?
I'm just checking in. My son left today, which makes me sad, but he'll only be about 6 hours by bus away, not so far as before. And I'm going to try to write him once a week. On a good note, my husband came home tonight. I didn't tell him about drinking, but he's knows I've been depressed. Probably he's put two & two together.
Also, I've been talking to my former sponsor most days lately, and I guess in a way she's my sponsor again -- she "fired" herself more than I fired her, and I asked her if it's ok if I check in regularly again with her, and she said "yes." But I'm not in any hurry to start back on the steps, and I'm not in any hurry to talk in a meeting about what I did. I don't know, though, because I'll probably go to my home group tomorrow, and I almost always share there. We'll see.
Tomorrow, I have to go to my office -- I can't avoid it any more. When I was first detoxing before I was so nervous I would pace around the halls looking for distractions, then was likely to burst into tears if I happened to talk to anyone. I hope that doesn't happen now.
Thanks everyone, for all the support. It means a lot to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
Tazzle, I think it sounds like you & your husband have a great partnership. Please tell us what you each cook up for your virgin performance!
Thank you Courage! We do have a great partnership, I feel deep guilt about all the hiding and secrecy that drinking made me do. It is the reason I have avoided all but the most necessary of Dr. visits. thankfully I feel fine, but I know I need to do a complete physical one of these days.
I am perusing my Mom and Grandmothers recipe cards for inspiration, and yes I will let ya'll know what I make and how it goes. Like I say, you dont have to make it again if you dont like it!
Thank you Courage! We do have a great partnership, I feel deep guilt about all the hiding and secrecy that drinking made me do. It is the reason I have avoided all but the most necessary of Dr. visits. thankfully I feel fine, but I know I need to do a complete physical one of these days.
I am perusing my Mom and Grandmothers recipe cards for inspiration, and yes I will let ya'll know what I make and how it goes. Like I say, you dont have to make it again if you dont like it!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Ready, thanks. How big is RAL Jr now? Has he completely settled into his second home?
Tazzle, I don't think you should feel too guilty. Marriages are complicated. Your secrecy was deceitful, yes, but also protective of something. Now by staying sober you're taking steps to protect important relationships better than before. You've learned, you're growing.
Checking in. I did a little work today but didn't have to see any colleagues, so that was lucky. I made an appointment to meet someone tomorrow who's a licensed clinical social worker -- I hope he'll help me understand what choices I have in mental health care, and what resources I can use to help me navigate the system. I also went to my regular weekly AA meeting, but I didn't talk & left early, before the hand-holding. I had my first regular meal in a while, and spent the evening with my husband. He was reading something about Wordsworth & Coleridge, so we talked poetry and poets of that period.
In another life, I spent a lot of my time among a group of poets. We called ourselves -- rather our leader, Keith, who wanted a movement, called us -- Angry Young Dogs, or something like that. Keith became an alcoholic, and killed himself. I gave up writing like I gave up drugs, because I thought it was making me crazy. Now I give up drinking too, but I don't get less crazy. Maybe the only way out is through?
Tazzle, I don't think you should feel too guilty. Marriages are complicated. Your secrecy was deceitful, yes, but also protective of something. Now by staying sober you're taking steps to protect important relationships better than before. You've learned, you're growing.
Checking in. I did a little work today but didn't have to see any colleagues, so that was lucky. I made an appointment to meet someone tomorrow who's a licensed clinical social worker -- I hope he'll help me understand what choices I have in mental health care, and what resources I can use to help me navigate the system. I also went to my regular weekly AA meeting, but I didn't talk & left early, before the hand-holding. I had my first regular meal in a while, and spent the evening with my husband. He was reading something about Wordsworth & Coleridge, so we talked poetry and poets of that period.
In another life, I spent a lot of my time among a group of poets. We called ourselves -- rather our leader, Keith, who wanted a movement, called us -- Angry Young Dogs, or something like that. Keith became an alcoholic, and killed himself. I gave up writing like I gave up drugs, because I thought it was making me crazy. Now I give up drinking too, but I don't get less crazy. Maybe the only way out is through?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 410
Hi all, I am doing great here. Saw my doctor today, it went well. Was my first time since I recognized things felt like they were getting out of my control (again, I wasn't in any danger). I have a backstory, but honestly I've just been over it out loud too many times in the past 3 weeks. Getting it written out will be good, but not tonight.
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