Class of September 2013 - Part 17
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by GotGrace 
Kell, I haven't heard from UI since his post earlier today. I wonder what's up with him and Hooped too. I never knew I could be this concerned about people I have never seen or met!
So a day or two ago I wrote about wanting to drink and feeling really restless. Brooksie, you asked me what is going on in my head, why do I want to drink. I thought about it, slept, went to a meeting, and then it all clicked into place. Here's what I came up with: I used to drink for pretty much any reason, but one big trigger was excitement. I loved nothing more than anticipating a great party or get together (like Thanksgiving) and getting started a little early. Also, in my family growing up and since I have been an adult, the holidays were synonymous with drinking. So after nearly 30 years of drinking all day and evening on Thanksgiving, I am breaking that tradition, and while it is the right thing to do, it isn't natural for me yet. So I need to be aware of that discomfort and be patient with myself.
But here's the thing: I stopped drinking for me. No one asked me to stop, no ultimatums, I just knew I was sick of feeling like crap more often than not and I was tired of obsessing over the next drink. That had only to do with me, and I am in charge of my not drinking. No one is going to force me to drink on Thanksgiving or any other day; it's all me. And I kind of like that. For a control freak like me, knowing it all hinges on me is pretty okay.
I know this all sounds really elementary, but I had to think it all through and put the pieces together and, now that I have, I feel a lot better. I don't expect that I won't be tempted, but I am planning to stock up on my special sodas and drink them whenever I want, calories be damned. I'll will still drink fewer calories than if I were slugging down wine and beer for 12 hours straight.
Ok, Grace, up off the couch. The therapy hour has ended!
So a day or two ago I wrote about wanting to drink and feeling really restless. Brooksie, you asked me what is going on in my head, why do I want to drink. I thought about it, slept, went to a meeting, and then it all clicked into place. Here's what I came up with: I used to drink for pretty much any reason, but one big trigger was excitement. I loved nothing more than anticipating a great party or get together (like Thanksgiving) and getting started a little early. Also, in my family growing up and since I have been an adult, the holidays were synonymous with drinking. So after nearly 30 years of drinking all day and evening on Thanksgiving, I am breaking that tradition, and while it is the right thing to do, it isn't natural for me yet. So I need to be aware of that discomfort and be patient with myself.
But here's the thing: I stopped drinking for me. No one asked me to stop, no ultimatums, I just knew I was sick of feeling like crap more often than not and I was tired of obsessing over the next drink. That had only to do with me, and I am in charge of my not drinking. No one is going to force me to drink on Thanksgiving or any other day; it's all me. And I kind of like that. For a control freak like me, knowing it all hinges on me is pretty okay.
I know this all sounds really elementary, but I had to think it all through and put the pieces together and, now that I have, I feel a lot better. I don't expect that I won't be tempted, but I am planning to stock up on my special sodas and drink them whenever I want, calories be damned. I'll will still drink fewer calories than if I were slugging down wine and beer for 12 hours straight.
Ok, Grace, up off the couch. The therapy hour has ended!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Originally Posted by ChrisBen
Just wanted to stop in and say hello. I've been trying to keep up with everyones posts, but work and a crazy hockey season keep me off line a lot. I'm on 71 days sober and getting into a stubborn sober mindset for the pending Thanksgiving holiday! (((hugs))) to those who are struggling.
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Ok so I'm obvi catching up on posts.
I have read two books in the past 11 days (isolation citaay) but they were really good and I MOSTLY made meetings and I am emerging from my hole!!
My oldest and one of my best friends just got a kick ass job in LA and upon my emergence, I looked at her going away party invitation and realized that it was YESTERDAY.
I feel like sh*t for missing it! She is also a raging alcoholic/pothead as are most of her friends, so I also sort of dodged a bullet.
I also skipped another (non-alcoholic) friend's birthday party Saturday night and went to a sober party instead. I had SO much fun at the sober party, but this week I have come to realize that I do not want my entire life to revolve around AA. And it DEFINITELY is!!!
Maybe I need that right now, and maybe I have to accept it for now and maybe I just have to be patient with myself and my sobriety.
I was thinking about reaching out to a couple of friends this weekend who don't know I'm in recovery, and decided against it because truthfully, I am still in the infancy stage of functioning adulthood.
I don't even have a JOB yet, nor am I really ready to begin one! (Getting there, but not yet!)
So I am trying to be patient with myself and kind to myself and ease my way into the functional adult way of life.
I have also smoked 3 of these e-filters in the past two days (they're supposedly equal to a pack which is a LIE!!!) so I googled the amount of nicotine in an e-filter vs. a cigarette and realized that I was smoking almost 3 filters a day of ACTUAL tobacco. Go figure! Still an improvement! Also, no tar.
And with that, I conclude this essay!
Thinking about you and praying for you, (((UI)))
To all of my dear classmates, Xoxoxoxo
I have read two books in the past 11 days (isolation citaay) but they were really good and I MOSTLY made meetings and I am emerging from my hole!!
My oldest and one of my best friends just got a kick ass job in LA and upon my emergence, I looked at her going away party invitation and realized that it was YESTERDAY.
I feel like sh*t for missing it! She is also a raging alcoholic/pothead as are most of her friends, so I also sort of dodged a bullet.
I also skipped another (non-alcoholic) friend's birthday party Saturday night and went to a sober party instead. I had SO much fun at the sober party, but this week I have come to realize that I do not want my entire life to revolve around AA. And it DEFINITELY is!!!
Maybe I need that right now, and maybe I have to accept it for now and maybe I just have to be patient with myself and my sobriety.
I was thinking about reaching out to a couple of friends this weekend who don't know I'm in recovery, and decided against it because truthfully, I am still in the infancy stage of functioning adulthood.
I don't even have a JOB yet, nor am I really ready to begin one! (Getting there, but not yet!)
So I am trying to be patient with myself and kind to myself and ease my way into the functional adult way of life.
I have also smoked 3 of these e-filters in the past two days (they're supposedly equal to a pack which is a LIE!!!) so I googled the amount of nicotine in an e-filter vs. a cigarette and realized that I was smoking almost 3 filters a day of ACTUAL tobacco. Go figure! Still an improvement! Also, no tar.
And with that, I conclude this essay!
Thinking about you and praying for you, (((UI)))
To all of my dear classmates, Xoxoxoxo
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
I do not know who named Los Angeles, but it is not the City of Angels. It is akin to a ring in Dante's Inferno...maybe around the place where devils burned Evil Counselors in burning pitch. I really hate this place. I want to be home so badly. My daughter just told me she is sick with strep throat and I'm tired after my second 14 hour day. I'm hungry, I'm angry, I'm lonely and I'm tired. HALT!!!
Grace, you should be very proud of your decision and where you are. You are in control and that must feel very awesome. Your post was wonderful.
ChrisBen - 71 days is amazing! Be careful playing hockey though. :-)
Grace, you should be very proud of your decision and where you are. You are in control and that must feel very awesome. Your post was wonderful.
ChrisBen - 71 days is amazing! Be careful playing hockey though. :-)
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by LillianGish
I do not know who named Los Angeles, but it is not the City of Angels. It is akin to a ring in Dante's Inferno...maybe around the place where devils burned Evil Counselors in burning pitch. I really hate this place. I want to be home so badly. My daughter just told me she is sick with strep throat and I'm tired after my second 14 hour day. I'm hungry, I'm angry, I'm lonely and I'm tired. HALT!!!
Grace, you should be very proud of your decision and where you are. You are in control and that must feel very awesome. Your post was wonderful.
ChrisBen - 71 days is amazing! Be careful playing hockey though. :-)
Grace, you should be very proud of your decision and where you are. You are in control and that must feel very awesome. Your post was wonderful.
ChrisBen - 71 days is amazing! Be careful playing hockey though. :-)
I keep telling myself that the WORST LA can be is NYC with ACTUAL beaches and warm weather!!! I cannot fathom the existence of evil in regions that facilitate natural winter tanning.
I've also never been to LA (outside of the airport).
I hope you (and your daughter) feel better soon! Praying for you guys too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Fishy
It must be the wee hours of the morning for you ! Don't worry, our welcome mat is made of resilience, it will never refuse and never wear out.
Getting back to my earlier post. As I said, I don't see it as a strength as that implies I maintain my sobriety through will power or moral fibre. Far from it, I have tried white knuckling many, many times and have always failed. To boot, I am a horribly lapsed Christian. What is different this time was that I did the opposite. That is to say, I gave up the notion that will (ego) alone would enable me to overcome my addiction.
This came to me through a spiritual awakening (or as my psychologist would call it, a moment of clarity). In that awakening, I surrendered my will and asked for help. If there is strength, then it is this. It takes strength to admit defeat; that you cannot beat this addiction on will alone. From that night forward, I felt a conviction and relief I had never felt before. I truly believe we have this strength inside all of us.
Of course it is one thing to have that revelation and another to maintain sobriety. That is where my recovery program kicks in. I have adopted the shotgun approach where I will try anything and hope that something sticks. It is working so far. No guarantee that I wont slip but if I focus on the present and take it one step at a time, I know I wont drink now.
You did drink a lot in your last binge. From a health perspective, that is a worry. However, dont use a rational thought process for reviewing an act that is irrational. After the first few drinks, I had no rational thoughts and just drank until I passed out. Who knows or cared how much I drank ?
Fishy, look in the mirror and have compassion for the chap looking back at you. Not anger, shame, guilt or remorse. Forgive that guy understanding that he has an addiction and is trying to overcome it. Encourage him to keep trying and never give up.
I really hope this makes sense and not some preachy rambling !
It must be the wee hours of the morning for you ! Don't worry, our welcome mat is made of resilience, it will never refuse and never wear out.
Getting back to my earlier post. As I said, I don't see it as a strength as that implies I maintain my sobriety through will power or moral fibre. Far from it, I have tried white knuckling many, many times and have always failed. To boot, I am a horribly lapsed Christian. What is different this time was that I did the opposite. That is to say, I gave up the notion that will (ego) alone would enable me to overcome my addiction.
This came to me through a spiritual awakening (or as my psychologist would call it, a moment of clarity). In that awakening, I surrendered my will and asked for help. If there is strength, then it is this. It takes strength to admit defeat; that you cannot beat this addiction on will alone. From that night forward, I felt a conviction and relief I had never felt before. I truly believe we have this strength inside all of us.
Of course it is one thing to have that revelation and another to maintain sobriety. That is where my recovery program kicks in. I have adopted the shotgun approach where I will try anything and hope that something sticks. It is working so far. No guarantee that I wont slip but if I focus on the present and take it one step at a time, I know I wont drink now.
You did drink a lot in your last binge. From a health perspective, that is a worry. However, dont use a rational thought process for reviewing an act that is irrational. After the first few drinks, I had no rational thoughts and just drank until I passed out. Who knows or cared how much I drank ?
Fishy, look in the mirror and have compassion for the chap looking back at you. Not anger, shame, guilt or remorse. Forgive that guy understanding that he has an addiction and is trying to overcome it. Encourage him to keep trying and never give up.
I really hope this makes sense and not some preachy rambling !
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Originally Posted by Br00ksie
Ok so I'm obvi catching up on posts.
I have read two books in the past 11 days (isolation citaay) but they were really good and I MOSTLY made meetings and I am emerging from my hole!!
My oldest and one of my best friends just got a kick ass job in LA and upon my emergence, I looked at her going away party invitation and realized that it was YESTERDAY.
I feel like sh*t for missing it! She is also a raging alcoholic/pothead as are most of her friends, so I also sort of dodged a bullet.
I also skipped another (non-alcoholic) friend's birthday party Saturday night and went to a sober party instead. I had SO much fun at the sober party, but this week I have come to realize that I do not want my entire life to revolve around AA. And it DEFINITELY is!!!
Maybe I need that right now, and maybe I have to accept it for now and maybe I just have to be patient with myself and my sobriety.
I was thinking about reaching out to a couple of friends this weekend who don't know I'm in recovery, and decided against it because truthfully, I am still in the infancy stage of functioning adulthood.
I don't even have a JOB yet, nor am I really ready to begin one! (Getting there, but not yet!)
So I am trying to be patient with myself and kind to myself and ease my way into the functional adult way of life.
I have also smoked 3 of these e-filters in the past two days (they're supposedly equal to a pack which is a LIE!!!) so I googled the amount of nicotine in an e-filter vs. a cigarette and realized that I was smoking almost 3 filters a day of ACTUAL tobacco. Go figure! Still an improvement! Also, no tar.
And with that, I conclude this essay!
Thinking about you and praying for you, (((UI)))
To all of my dear classmates, Xoxoxoxo
I have read two books in the past 11 days (isolation citaay) but they were really good and I MOSTLY made meetings and I am emerging from my hole!!
My oldest and one of my best friends just got a kick ass job in LA and upon my emergence, I looked at her going away party invitation and realized that it was YESTERDAY.
I feel like sh*t for missing it! She is also a raging alcoholic/pothead as are most of her friends, so I also sort of dodged a bullet.
I also skipped another (non-alcoholic) friend's birthday party Saturday night and went to a sober party instead. I had SO much fun at the sober party, but this week I have come to realize that I do not want my entire life to revolve around AA. And it DEFINITELY is!!!
Maybe I need that right now, and maybe I have to accept it for now and maybe I just have to be patient with myself and my sobriety.
I was thinking about reaching out to a couple of friends this weekend who don't know I'm in recovery, and decided against it because truthfully, I am still in the infancy stage of functioning adulthood.
I don't even have a JOB yet, nor am I really ready to begin one! (Getting there, but not yet!)
So I am trying to be patient with myself and kind to myself and ease my way into the functional adult way of life.
I have also smoked 3 of these e-filters in the past two days (they're supposedly equal to a pack which is a LIE!!!) so I googled the amount of nicotine in an e-filter vs. a cigarette and realized that I was smoking almost 3 filters a day of ACTUAL tobacco. Go figure! Still an improvement! Also, no tar.
And with that, I conclude this essay!
Thinking about you and praying for you, (((UI)))
To all of my dear classmates, Xoxoxoxo
Someone is looking out for you ! You sound like you're head is screwed on right. And you are making all the right moves, clever girl !!
***** !
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Originally Posted by LillianGish
I do not know who named Los Angeles, but it is not the City of Angels. It is akin to a ring in Dante's Inferno...maybe around the place where devils burned Evil Counselors in burning pitch. I really hate this place. I want to be home so badly. My daughter just told me she is sick with strep throat and I'm tired after my second 14 hour day. I'm hungry, I'm angry, I'm lonely and I'm tired. HALT!!!
I can never look at LA the same again. Get some rest, eat, hydrate, go for a walk outside and observe the nutty LA folks !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by 1stepup
Hi all, feel pretty down tonight, I was asked to do the first share the other day in tonights AA meeting, when I got there I was asked again but I declined on the grounds that at five weeks sober I didn't feel 'experienced' enough to open the meeting, aswell as the fact that there was a member with years sobriety there who's back in the area after a couple of months away. Wishing I had done it now! Did a really good inspiring share on Monday night but I prefer to come in and comment after hearing others share first. Trying not to make too big a deal of this but right now feel a bit of a coward- I did share during the meeting and gave my reasons then but still feel like I should have just done it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by FishnHippy
Kane deep down inside I believe if I don't quit drinking now I will die within the year from it. You know this last binge I drink over 3 gallons of vodka 2 quarts of moonshine and I have no idea how much beer its killing me. I wish I was just as strong in my sobriety as you and others in the room.
What are your thoughts on going to the paid-for rehab you were offered?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
And Fish you can't wear out the welcome mat! It's made of steel! Post away buddy
UI, get your booty back here. We miss you.
LG, I'm sorry you are stuck in yucky place with your daughter sick at home. Talk about piling on the mom stress! You are doing great today.
Brooksie, I love reading your updates. You said you don't have a job? Is your assisting thing only on an as needed basis? I too love warm weather. I left the east for the west and I love it.
Kaneda, always appreciate your insight. Thank you!
Grace, Dottie, ChrisBen, love hearing from you.
I've missed everyone over the last few days.
UI, get your booty back here. We miss you.
LG, I'm sorry you are stuck in yucky place with your daughter sick at home. Talk about piling on the mom stress! You are doing great today.
Brooksie, I love reading your updates. You said you don't have a job? Is your assisting thing only on an as needed basis? I too love warm weather. I left the east for the west and I love it.
Kaneda, always appreciate your insight. Thank you!
Grace, Dottie, ChrisBen, love hearing from you.
I've missed everyone over the last few days.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
And by the way Fish, I know you can be strong in your recovery. Remember when you told your friend to screw off and that you had been away from alcohol long enough to know you are an alcoholic? That blew my mind. I think of you and how you said that whenever I feel nervous about what other people will think and assume about me not drinking.
I know you want this. You need some new tools and good support. I really hope you go to rehab. (((Fish)))
I know you want this. You need some new tools and good support. I really hope you go to rehab. (((Fish)))
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by Renarde
Brooksie, I love reading your updates. You said you don't have a job? Is your assisting thing only on an as needed basis? I too love warm weather. I left the east for the west and I love it.
I'm putting my entry-level feelers out there for assistant-type jobs in production in order to gauge the inner workings of production/hours on set while also working on my writing.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 567
Busy week here tax deadlines end of January so clients now decide to do their accounts and bring them In after the numerous chaser letters sent out in the summer. Can't really blame them the summer was awesome this year but now left with a work pile that is bigger than me lol.
On top hubby decided to pay me a visit this week it wasn't unpleasant. We need to get back to basics and see if we can get our friendship back first honestly I really don't know what I want I think I like being alone so much less dramas :-). I think it was to early for both of us alone time contemplation and working on my sobriety are more important for now.
Oh found a yoga instructor that takes classes locally and was brave enough to phone her yay she seems lovely and told me about a 4 week course starting in Feb perfect for after said deadline and open drop in sessions for complete unbendy people like me so once things quiet down going to pluck up courage and try one.
Hope you all have a great day and weekend if I don't have chance to pop in I will try though have kinda filled my weekends do full I not got a free day till 14th December lol might just have to give swimming a miss one day.
Take care everyone uninvited and Hooped hope you both ok worried about you.
Fish love all your posts xx
On top hubby decided to pay me a visit this week it wasn't unpleasant. We need to get back to basics and see if we can get our friendship back first honestly I really don't know what I want I think I like being alone so much less dramas :-). I think it was to early for both of us alone time contemplation and working on my sobriety are more important for now.
Oh found a yoga instructor that takes classes locally and was brave enough to phone her yay she seems lovely and told me about a 4 week course starting in Feb perfect for after said deadline and open drop in sessions for complete unbendy people like me so once things quiet down going to pluck up courage and try one.
Hope you all have a great day and weekend if I don't have chance to pop in I will try though have kinda filled my weekends do full I not got a free day till 14th December lol might just have to give swimming a miss one day.
Take care everyone uninvited and Hooped hope you both ok worried about you.
Fish love all your posts xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 464
Another MIA is madbird.
I'm thinking of you all... UI, Hooped, madbird, and fishy. ((( hugs ))) I hope all is well. If you are struggling please stop in and say hi.
Brooksie - you are such an inspiration. Keep on keeping on girl you are doing great!
Lill - sorry the business trip is not going so well. I hope you found yourself some food and got some rest. Hunger and tiredness make me so cranky! They are also triggers for me! Stay safe in your sobriety
Kane - as always your wise words are so appreciated. I have learned so much and gained valuable tools from your posts. Have you ever thought about becoming an addiction counselor?
Tallia - staying busy could be a good distraction right now
just don't get too distracted and forget to keep your sobriety safe! Take care of you.
Fishy - I do hope you go to rehab. That is such a gift.
1step - I'm sending positive vibes your way! When I'm down I try and reflect on all I am grateful for! It really does help put things in perspective
Ok I know I'm missing folks and I'm sorry. I love you all and treasure your posts dearly.
Oh! Btw: interview for me today and another on Monday. Wish me luck or if your the praying sort I'll take a prayer or two as well
2 weeks for me today. Feeling stronger than ever! Have a great sober weekend all!!
I'm thinking of you all... UI, Hooped, madbird, and fishy. ((( hugs ))) I hope all is well. If you are struggling please stop in and say hi.
Brooksie - you are such an inspiration. Keep on keeping on girl you are doing great!
Lill - sorry the business trip is not going so well. I hope you found yourself some food and got some rest. Hunger and tiredness make me so cranky! They are also triggers for me! Stay safe in your sobriety
Kane - as always your wise words are so appreciated. I have learned so much and gained valuable tools from your posts. Have you ever thought about becoming an addiction counselor?
Tallia - staying busy could be a good distraction right now
just don't get too distracted and forget to keep your sobriety safe! Take care of you.Fishy - I do hope you go to rehab. That is such a gift.
1step - I'm sending positive vibes your way! When I'm down I try and reflect on all I am grateful for! It really does help put things in perspective
Ok I know I'm missing folks and I'm sorry. I love you all and treasure your posts dearly.
Oh! Btw: interview for me today and another on Monday. Wish me luck or if your the praying sort I'll take a prayer or two as well
2 weeks for me today. Feeling stronger than ever! Have a great sober weekend all!!
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