Diary of a Mad Cow part 2
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Cow, this is one of my favourite threads. Because life is hard, and scary and ridiculous and lonely and CRAZY. And yes, it's serious too, because I have a disease that's no laughing matter. But why can't we have a little fun through it all? Why do I have to descend into Edgar Allan Poe mode and write of all my foibles with such sturm und drang? Can't we poke some fun at ourselves? And why am I asking for permission anyway? Heck, I've been sober almost five years now. If I didn't laugh at myself a whole lot, I'd probably have swallowed cyanide a long time ago.
During what I consider my "transitional" period of drinking, which lasted from the time I realized I had a real problem, until the point when I actually got sober, I relapsed constantly. Like every single day. I woke up sick and miserable, vowed to stop forever, made it to 5:10, when I drove home from work past Vons, where my car would go on auto-pilot and steer into the parking lot. After a brief struggle with myself, I'd buy a big bottle of cheap chardonnay, take it home, and off to the races I'd go again.
Not a whole lot different than Cow. If I'd known about SR then, I'd have posted about my daily struggle, and because I am a fairly self deprecating person, I'd have done so with a few wry comments thrown in wih all of the melodrama, sort of like our dear Cow (but nowhere near as funny, smart and awesome). So all, let's try to lighten the **** up, shall we?
Said with love, as always, because I have the utmost respect for all of my SR Compadre's.
And Cow, please don't stay away for long. We need you!
During what I consider my "transitional" period of drinking, which lasted from the time I realized I had a real problem, until the point when I actually got sober, I relapsed constantly. Like every single day. I woke up sick and miserable, vowed to stop forever, made it to 5:10, when I drove home from work past Vons, where my car would go on auto-pilot and steer into the parking lot. After a brief struggle with myself, I'd buy a big bottle of cheap chardonnay, take it home, and off to the races I'd go again.
Not a whole lot different than Cow. If I'd known about SR then, I'd have posted about my daily struggle, and because I am a fairly self deprecating person, I'd have done so with a few wry comments thrown in wih all of the melodrama, sort of like our dear Cow (but nowhere near as funny, smart and awesome). So all, let's try to lighten the **** up, shall we?
Said with love, as always, because I have the utmost respect for all of my SR Compadre's.
And Cow, please don't stay away for long. We need you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Emma Goldman, a political activist back in the day said sometihing I used to keep pinned above my desk. I think it applies to sobriety as well: "If I can't sing and dance in this revolution, then I want no part of it."
Sobriety isn't all grim and dark and dull and drab. That part is just not the drinking and using. cleaning up the messes we made during our active alcoholism or addiction is hard but we do it. We get it done. Sobriety is our new life, there's much to be joyful about.
We have to change our Habits of mind. A daily gratitude list helps with that. We clean up our side of the street, this gives us a sense of pride and with that comes stability. Well, it did for me.
Love from Lenina
Sobriety isn't all grim and dark and dull and drab. That part is just not the drinking and using. cleaning up the messes we made during our active alcoholism or addiction is hard but we do it. We get it done. Sobriety is our new life, there's much to be joyful about.
We have to change our Habits of mind. A daily gratitude list helps with that. We clean up our side of the street, this gives us a sense of pride and with that comes stability. Well, it did for me.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by Lenina 
Emma Goldman, a political activist back in the day said something I used to keep pinned above my desk. I think it applies to sobriety as well: "If I can't sing and dance in this revolution, then I want no part of it."
When I started going to meetings there was this guy named Louie D. He was older than dirt, missing one eye and would talk out of the side of his mouth. He'd sit there and listen to everyone. Then, he'd say "I'm Louie D. and I'm an alcoholic." He'd smack the table really hard, tilt his head at a newbie, lookin' at 'em with his good eye and say "If you ain't having fun, you ain't doing something! That's all I got."
That is all I ever heard the man say. Strange thing was, he never seemed to be having fun....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Dear Cow 
I love you , i love your posts.
I have always been somewhat of a ' lurker ' in your diary.
I have never felt the urge to comment ( until now ) As i have simply enjoyed reading .
You have an intelligence and sarcastic wit which i adore.
Your diary is the equivalent of reading a good book and waiting for the next instalment.
Please keep posting and share your ups and downs and topsy turvy life with us. You say a lot of things other people wish they could.
You have a gift of telling your story in an always entertaining way
You DO make a difference and thanks SOOOO much for your blatant honesty.
I - along with a gazillion of your friends here look forward in anticipation of your next post
Big hugz xxxxx
I love you , i love your posts.
I have always been somewhat of a ' lurker ' in your diary.
I have never felt the urge to comment ( until now ) As i have simply enjoyed reading .
You have an intelligence and sarcastic wit which i adore.
Your diary is the equivalent of reading a good book and waiting for the next instalment.
Please keep posting and share your ups and downs and topsy turvy life with us. You say a lot of things other people wish they could.
You have a gift of telling your story in an always entertaining way
You DO make a difference and thanks SOOOO much for your blatant honesty.
I - along with a gazillion of your friends here look forward in anticipation of your next post
Big hugz xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Johnny, Louie sounds like good people to me! I bet he was serene and calm on the inside, I found out that for me, having a peaceful life, not careening from crisis to crisis like I had been was joyful in its self.
True sobriety is far more than abstention. I had to learn how to live again. how to offer my troubles and such up to the Universe. To see what I could learn from my trials. LOL One thing I learned about me was that most of my trials were self inflicted! LOL
love from Lenina
True sobriety is far more than abstention. I had to learn how to live again. how to offer my troubles and such up to the Universe. To see what I could learn from my trials. LOL One thing I learned about me was that most of my trials were self inflicted! LOL
love from Lenina
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by Cow
Tears of a Cow
I has to say, it really hurt me that anybody could read all my postings and describe what I has written as “oops got coffee, now I drunk” like it some juvenile frivolity to me and a disrespect to others who is struggling.
I has to say, it really hurt me that anybody could read all my postings and describe what I has written as “oops got coffee, now I drunk” like it some juvenile frivolity to me and a disrespect to others who is struggling.
Originally Posted by Croissant
And some people just thought it was funny, rather than seeing a poor soul struggling with this foul disease. The repeated gotta get sober, then coffee....oh and then....after promising all this sobriety...drinking again.
Hopefully that sets the tone of what I posted and rather than people assuming nastiness in the thread, which is very hurtful to me as someone who does care for others.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by Croissant
Cow, my apologies if you are not able to understand the context of my whole post and there was no intention to hurt, in fact you have posted one part of my sentence completely out of context (and deleted the previous sentence which shows It came from a very caring place for you). If others and you who do not know of me or my posts would understand that I am not a nasty kind of poster. There's no need to be wasting your time being upset at any of my posts because they aren't in that vein. Hopefully that sets the tone of what I posted and rather than people assuming nastiness in the thread, which is very hurtful to me as someone who does care for others.
I try to keep that in mind -- and the disclaimer helps, too.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 1,052
Originally Posted by foolsgold66
I read this thread sometimes, but I don't like it. Not one little bit. Cow, take all this creative energy you use up being a funny online personality, and instead use that energy to make a plan for sobriety and work it.
You cow fans may now all throw rotten vegetables at me if you like, I'm far past the stage in life where I care if my opinions are popular.
You cow fans may now all throw rotten vegetables at me if you like, I'm far past the stage in life where I care if my opinions are popular.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Cowfriend, I am looking out to the mountain peaks from my front window. It put me in mind of you because I, too, found a little horned toad up there one day. He was remarkable. And cute! Your doting friends are missing you here. I hope even if you're not posting, you're checking in and reading your friends' best wishes and hugs here. We are standing firm with you. Come back to us, soon. Many, many, many of us support you without condition. Your loving friend, Jane aka Elseware
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Cow,
Count me in the herd of ghost cow lurkers, surfacing now due in no small part to your very courageous (to me) sharing of your story. I wish I had continued to post along the way over the past year (plus!). Instead I tend to head off into the good night when I feel that I've messed up.
Whilst stuck in the muck of the Island of Misfit Drunks, I finally found myself reading all around SR with renewed resolve to soak up some wisdom. A couple of posts that speak to me - I hope they might do the same for you:
I'm a pretty good writer, or at least have been in the past. But these two said it like I never could yet because I have to come to believe in myself enough to withstand an occassional misunderstanding or disagreement.
You've already said plenty throughout your posts that I never could because, well, I'm not you. And that's pretty cool because I would rather have BOTH of us around so as to not make things too redundant.
Count me in the herd of ghost cow lurkers, surfacing now due in no small part to your very courageous (to me) sharing of your story. I wish I had continued to post along the way over the past year (plus!). Instead I tend to head off into the good night when I feel that I've messed up.
Whilst stuck in the muck of the Island of Misfit Drunks, I finally found myself reading all around SR with renewed resolve to soak up some wisdom. A couple of posts that speak to me - I hope they might do the same for you:
Originally Posted by misspond
Something that has only just "clicked" in my head today whilst reading here is a proper understanding of how folks come and post, relapse, come back and post and get welcomed back and encouraged on, sometimes over and over again.... it's because it's a hard and arduous road, until you reach the cross-roads that offers you a couple more choices.
If I go one way I can continue to think that I might be able to moderate. That'll be my AV setting me up.
Another direction might take me to a place where I listen to my AV and think, "Ah, what's the point? Why shouldn't I have a drink?"
Yet another direction might be to choose a new DOC and let my AV grab my soul in a new and dreadful way.
And then I might take a walk down the road of never drinking and never changing my mind. This SHOULD be the road I walk down. But if I don't? If I choose one of the other roads? Then the others here at SR will welcome me back with the knowledge that I hadn't understood yet.
And those people won't be doing that because they are foolishly tied to being kind (in fact a great many will call me, and anyone else who walks the wrong road, out and take me to task), but because they understand that I am still tied to my AV, to my addiction, to my deep pleasure.
And that I have to let go.
If I go one way I can continue to think that I might be able to moderate. That'll be my AV setting me up.
Another direction might take me to a place where I listen to my AV and think, "Ah, what's the point? Why shouldn't I have a drink?"
Yet another direction might be to choose a new DOC and let my AV grab my soul in a new and dreadful way.
And then I might take a walk down the road of never drinking and never changing my mind. This SHOULD be the road I walk down. But if I don't? If I choose one of the other roads? Then the others here at SR will welcome me back with the knowledge that I hadn't understood yet.
And those people won't be doing that because they are foolishly tied to being kind (in fact a great many will call me, and anyone else who walks the wrong road, out and take me to task), but because they understand that I am still tied to my AV, to my addiction, to my deep pleasure.
And that I have to let go.
Originally Posted by zjw
Drinking is a pretty selfish habit. Quiting drinking also has to be a very selfish thing. I hate to sound so selfish but I quit drinking for #1 ME. I quit for ME ME ME first Screw everyone else. I drank for ME too and screw everyone else. But In the end I quit for me and only me. At the end of the day maybe My wife and kids will be here maybe theyw ont be maybe my job will be there maybe it wont be maybe my money will be there maybe it wont be. But I'll still have to live with myself no matter what the circumstances are until i'm cold. So yes I quit for myself.
As a result of my selfish act of quiting for ME I've managed to better everyone elses life around me. But in my case I did not do it for them. If i did it for htem and they got removed from the equation what reason would I have to not drink then? I might be back to square 1.
By it being selfish of me to quit I was able to put my sobriety ahead of everything. Oh and believe me various things I did along the way I'm sure people thought i was a real price a real selfish F*** etc.. But they didnt realize I was getting myself healthy I was getting myself sober at any cost!
As a result of my selfish act of quiting for ME I've managed to better everyone elses life around me. But in my case I did not do it for them. If i did it for htem and they got removed from the equation what reason would I have to not drink then? I might be back to square 1.
By it being selfish of me to quit I was able to put my sobriety ahead of everything. Oh and believe me various things I did along the way I'm sure people thought i was a real price a real selfish F*** etc.. But they didnt realize I was getting myself healthy I was getting myself sober at any cost!
You've already said plenty throughout your posts that I never could because, well, I'm not you. And that's pretty cool because I would rather have BOTH of us around so as to not make things too redundant.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Dear friends, Cow is away for few more days, okay? I shall return. Thanks to all very much for you support, input and understandings.
And as for all and any misunderstandings and/or various and sundry contentions of any sort ...Is bygones! Is history! Is kumba-f*cking-ya time, yes?
Okay! Now eveybody be well, and I see all you chuckleheads, gumdrops and sweetpeas very soon.
~Moo Mwah
And as for all and any misunderstandings and/or various and sundry contentions of any sort ...Is bygones! Is history! Is kumba-f*cking-ya time, yes?
Okay! Now eveybody be well, and I see all you chuckleheads, gumdrops and sweetpeas very soon.
~Moo Mwah
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