Odelle

Fantail, it looks like many of us share the same character traits. I was painfully shy growing up! An introvert, very sensitive and empathetic, and I had extreme difficulty saying no to others. I remember being a bookworm and checking out books from the local library on how to be more assertive even when I was in my early teens. I think one of them was “How to say No” or something along those lines. Alcohol did numb many of the feelings of inadequacy for me, but as the days of sobriety continue to accumulate, so does the unveiling of the misconceptions and lies I have drowned my self-identity in. I am finding the awakening to be a very liberating transition; anyone else finding the same?

Odelle

Wehav2day, normally I am not very talkative and tend to be of an introvert and uncomfortable speaking in groups. I have always felt more comfortable communicating in writing, so this forum is a Godsend for me! I think it also is one of the reasons I haven’t tried AA. I spent months reading the threads on SR before getting up the courage to join! Keep on doing whatever is in your comfort level and whatever is helping you to grow and learn in your sobriety. I am glad you are here with us and appreciate what you do add to the family dynamics!

PreciousKitty

I still have't had a chance to catch up with the posts but I wanted to say Hello to everyone and let ya know I love u.

I am doing much better now. Thanks for all your support.

1stepup

Hi everyone, hope your all ok today, good to see you back posting Precious and glad to hear your feeling better.

Odelle- yep me too! I was very shy especially going to high school, I grew up in a small village and didn't mix much with other kids my age outside of school. I soaked up my parents worries about money and other things that other kids seemed to ignore- seemed to have an old head on my young shoulders ever since I can remember. As a teenager I found I was really polite and conscientious compared to my peers and alcohol turned me into 'one' of them without the concerns id carry sober. But like you Im starting to see through sober eyes that the character traits I had as a child do not have to be carried with me now im an adult- I truly believe we are growing stronger every day we don't use alcohol and given time we are developing into the persons and souls we have been born to be without being tainted by poison.

Sorry , im getting a bit deep here! Had a good sober day today, just chilling watching the footy now.

Easyrider

Like a lot of you I was painfully shy growing up. Very introverted and quiet. Obviously I used booze to be more outgoing, but it only made me worse! I've actually been a lot more confident in the last 40 plus days of sobriety. It reminds me, I was frightened of going to the petrol station to refuel my car and I have no explanation other than the only common denominator was I was addicted to alcohol. I'm sure ill think of other irrational behaviours as time goes on. Terrible procrastination, where drinking was always better than the job at hand. I've actually done that for so long it's still a learned habit that I'm trying to break. But I know I'll get there. My brain is going off on one again,ill leave it at that lol

melissa6381

While I can't quite put my finger on it, I am worried about you based on this post.

I'm not going to say that moving is a bad idea but I am concerned because I can tell your not in a sober mindset yet. Your AV is still running rampant.

I guess the line that worried me is when you said you drink to cope with misery of the small town and ex. I feel like this line indicates that your AV os telling you if everything was happy In your life then you wouldn't drink like an alcoholic. I just want to make sure you aren't picturing some future where your in the city and happy and able to go out with some supportive friends for a drink after your fabulous job.

No matter where you go sobriety is going to be hard and intense self work, I know you know that but make sure your AV knows it too.

melissa6381

Also very shy and left out as a kid. Never picked on just ignored. I used to eat lunch in the bathroom because I had no one to sit with kinda thing. Fantail mentioned watching others and even now in yoga class (I totally do that) I used to blame the other kids in my school (they were mean and snobby, Etc.) but eventually realized no one can love you if you don't let them in.

When I tell people I was shy now they never believe me. Oddly the shy me decided to start working in restaurants when I was 18. The shy me was forced to deal with 100+ strangers a night 5 days a week and it changed me forever.

Now after 14 years in the industry I appear confident and outgoing in all social situations but am still shy in some ways. I guess guarded is the better word for it. Anyone can meet my restaurant personality which I pull out in any awkward situation but only a few people know the real me.

noubledegative

I'm worried about me too, hence trying to do something about it. things just ain't working for me in my current place. bottom line: i live in the middle of wine country NZ surrounded by grape vineyards & a rich drinking culture & this town only has a population of 1300. Not many people my own age & im getting pretty lonely & feeling very isolated..i can drink myself to oblivion on my own & no-one notices! (obviously on the days i don't have my daughter)

im a high functioning alcoholic, holding down a job & havnt flunked out of my degree & am halfway through it.

but i know something aint right with me.

The grand plan is to be sober in the new town, population 400,000. i have friends who understand & support me in my struggle & ill have access to support groups if i feel i need it. and looking forward to showing my daughter all the sites in the new town & spending time with friends who also have kids.

the ground feels pretty shakey beneath my feet, but i hope for my future.



thanks for caring, it does help

Dee74

you can edit posts for up to 15 mins but only mods etc can delete posts ER

ND based on what I know about small towns, moving back to the Big Smoke is probably a good idea, supportwise...but I don't think you have to move to get sober.

The bottom line is we have to stop drinking...it doesn't matter whether we're on a desert island, or in the middle of Manhattan.

I'm not saying you are, but don't fall into the trap of thinking you need certain conditions to get sober...true it will make it easier (or harder, depending on where you are) but the buck stops with us, always ND.

With some sobriety under your belt, you might even find make the decision to move or not is an easier one to make

D

fantail

ND, what city will you move to?

Melissa, that sounds very similar to me. I'm outgoing now, but I'm still very guarded, as you say. But I'm excited. Alcohol was a way for me to preserve that wall but I'm realizing that now it's coming down as I'm present in the moment. It makes me a bit sad to think of all the important conversations and bonding moments that I had with my friends but wasn't fully present for because I'd been drinking.

----

So, going well-ish for me. The last day or two I've had my first very noticeable episode of PAWS. I know that some of the symptoms are just low-level there all the time, but I've read that in general the symptoms will appear for a few days at a time and that seems to be holding true for me. I've been really tired... like back to the type of tired I was at the beginning. Also, at yoga my muscles were shuddering and shaking.... very strange. I'm not shaking any other times so I think it's fine, but I definitely wasn't exerting myself to the point where the shaking would make sense.

Anyway, took my vitamins, drinking lots of water, and ate a big bowl of fruit. Tomorrow I'm going on a long distance bike ride. Hopefully some of this will help sort me out!

It's funny though, I actually prefer the physical stuff to the mental stuff. I guess partially because I'm so accustomed to having my body out of sorts (living with a perpetual hangover)... and partially because then it's something concrete that I can focus on. It's much harder when it's just sort of general boredom and discomfort.

Odelle

Fantail – I too am going through another phase of exhaustion; definitely not fun! Reading and responding to posts on the Newcomers thread, it seems to be something many are going through right now. It worries me that a lot of people don’t know about PAWS and are not mentally prepared for the challenges of these symptoms.

Fortunately, I haven’t had any strong cravings as of yet, but this ongoing fatigue seems to be more days than not and is getting old. I’m looking forward to increased energy!

Well, signing off for the night…good night everyone!

Easyrider

I am absolutely knackered. Past few days. I had some pretty late nights at the weekend and pinned it down to that... never thought it could be PAWS. Also, whilst my head my lolling was from sleepiness, a weird though popped into my head..." I must not drink tonight..." the same thing I would think every morning when hungover. But I kind of thought it as if I was going to anyway...and I couldn't control it. Like I was stuck back that nightmare cycle of addiction again. Anyway it was strange. I also had a drinking dream last night, I can't remember if I drank, I think I might have, I smoked as well. I feel foggy and I've been eating absolute crap when I had a really good routine going.

So in summary, PAWS might be a likely culprit and I never would have realised if not for this site. Or I could just be tired lol. But whatever it is, it won't last and it's certainly not a reason to drink! Besides, I don't drink anyway. ;-)

Apart from that though, I'm in a fairly good frame of mind. I'm just fed up being tired and not being able to do the things I want. The weather is glorious, perfect blue skies. still freezing though. have a good day everyone!

Easyrider

So I've been reading up on PAWS some more and motivated myself to start eating better again. I'm also going to experiment with walking to work, before potentially introducing some more vigorous excercise... I'm also going to start writing a journal everyday.

One thing I did change is that I stopped taking a multivitamin so I'm going to start doing that again.

noubledegative

Wellington , NZ

looking even more certain today. made arrangements with my ex & how it will work with our daughter.

1 week sober!

Mvngon

Hi February class.

This is going to be short, as my head is killing me. Something happened today that I want to share. I am fine (physically), and so is everyone else, but I was involved in a car accident today (the headache is just stress related). The accident was clearly not my fault (although the other driver says otherwise...), and it could not have been avoided, however, it was the first car accident I have ever been in, and it has me shaken up. That being said, one of my first thoughts after the collision was "thank God I am no longer drinking". You see, although it could not have been avoided, had I been drinking, hungover, dazed, whatever...I would likely be questioning my involvement, and the situation would likely have been so much worse. I am so grateful that drinking is no longer a part of my life. I am in tears right now, but they are tears of relief. I am so blessed to have come to the conclusion that I needed to sober up when I did. This very bad situation could have been so much worse.

Thank you all for being a part of this great group that I gain strength and support from on a daily basis. You guys have been a great source of inspiration and hope for me, and I appreciate you sharing your stories and your lives with our February class.

Please be safe and keep your sobriety sacred.

MV

1stepup

Hi Mvngon- Good to hear you are ok after the accident, and like you say you have the reassurance of being sober through it, its sad that the other driver is trying to blame you. Can understand you being shaken by it all, but your right it could have been much worse had drink been in the equation. Take care and have as much of a chilled out day/ evening/ night as you can.

Dee74

I'm really glad you're ok Mvngon - all the rest can be sorted out

D

Mvngon

Thank you very much 1step. I appreciate your kindness.

Now that a bit of time has passed, I am coming to the realization that I need to strengthen my "sobriety tools". This isn't the first drama I have had in my seven (yippee!!! Today marks 7 weeks!!) of sobriety, but this is the first unexpected and unanticipated major drama. I am literally holding myself because I am shaking so hard inside. This has thrown me for a loop. The tools that I have used thus far have been good, but I may need to consider adding a few more to my arsenal, as the usual pack is just not calming me down right now. So in a way, this experience will be a good one because I will be forced to expand my healthy coping mechanisms. In the past, I would have simply fallen apart for days.

Thanks for listening to my vent. I'm really feeling strange right now, and trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings in a positive manner.

Mvngon

Thank you Dee. It can, and it will be. I will choose to make this a positive part of my recovery process, and gain strength for my future by learning to deal with the present by being "present".

Dee74

way to go on seven weeks - don't be too hard on yourself tho - a car accident is pretty stressful for anyone, I think.

D