Coldfusion

Squizz!

CONGRATULATIONS on nine months and quitting smoking!

I don't see much of you on the forum, and in fact I don't post on this thread very often.

Sobriety rocks!

nomis

Woot, woot, Bashforth and Squizz!! Congrats guys.

I'm particularly happy to be past the 9 month mark as well. Now when I google 7,8, or 9 months the next that comes up won't be pregnant anymore.

10 months here we come, and we all know one year is just around the corner. One day at a time though right?

veryready

Hey everyone and congrats. Look at us all. 9, 10 months. Who'd a thunk. I have my down days, but that's life. So glad to be sober. Good work everyone and thanks.

Dee74

congratulations guys

D

Bashforth

All my various computer passwords used to use the word "Martini."

Now I use the word "Grateful."

Congrats to all on 9 months!

--Bash.

phoebe64

Hello to any old friends who remember me. I am back for support and wanted to say hi. I posted on newcomers. I was going to change my name and start fresh, but this is more honest. Nothing dramatic going on, but I have relapsed and been drinking socially and at home, wine, and I find it is escalating, and well, it is not good for my health and i really need to not drink. Ugh.

So, coming here and confessing to those who know me seems more honest and right.

Congratulations to all of you who are at 9-10 months!

Sazzle

Hi Rochelle & welcome back. Sorry to hear about your slip but it seems you nipped it in the bid. I often think about wine & what I'm missing and I have come quite close ill be honest. My biggest lie I tell myself is that I could handle 'just one'

I'm so grateful for you posting here. I've put so much distance between the old me and how I am now that I sometimes wonder if I can be a 'considered' drinker. I have been upping my AA attendance just recently because of this. I'm also stubborn and think I can handle life on my own which is why I haven't visited SR on a while. I didn't feel it was healthy spending so Lucy time online (again, another lie to myself!)

Good luck. I believe that this will make you more determined & certain of your goals.

S x

nomis

Hey all,

Rochele, good to see you back, thanks for popping in to say Hi. Relapses happen, addiction is a chronic illness, we just try to manage it the best we can. Important thing is to learn from past mistakes.

I'm doing well. Finally got a full-time job and it's insanely busy. Honestly, I just wouldn't have time to drink even if I wanted to. 13-14 hour days are the norm right now. I'm trying to manage my stress, but it's a work in progress. Most addiction experts say that's number one cause of relapse, so I got to really try to stay on top of that.

10 months in four days. All the best everyone.

Dee74

good to see you Saz

D

Sazzle

Hey Nomis & Dee

Good to see you both! Well, I could see this coming if I look at my thoughts and behaviours over the past 2 months. I drank several glasses of wine last night. My 'excuse' was a restructure at work announced yesterday coupled with a really sh*tty week at work dealing with nasty complaints and addressing a staff misconduct issue. I should have gone to a meeting. I should have gone straight home from work instead of going with everyone (about 20) to the pub. I should have posted on here. But I just thought 'sod it'. My thinking has been a bit 'wine focused' lately.

I feel absolutely rubbish. I'm going to a meeting this afternoon but I'm scared and I don't know what to say or do. I never got a sponsor. If I'm honest I don't want one. I've not met anyone I'd like to work with. The BB thumpers scare me. I don't feel like I've undone all of the hard work I've put in. I think I have to stay positive and use this as learning.

I'm trying not to beat myself up- all the things I've been through sober! Holidays, speed dating, actual dating, Christmas, stress at work and I couldn't do the right thing last night. Someone just asked what I was drinking and I said wine. They were all shocked as I'm often out but drinking mineral water and lime. I said I just wanted one (and in my twisted head white wine spritzer was a million miles away from the usual large red wine that I used to drink). I ended up having 5 small glasses, leaving at 10pm, getting a cab home and thinking to myself 'what was the point of that' and I'll draw a line under it. There was no drama, no pressure from others or myself to carry on. I had fun, but no more than normal. But now I feel a bit panicky & hungover. That dread feeing that I'd not had for 10 months.

This is so tough but I'm not giving up. I've come too far, learnt too much and discovered there is a good life to be had sober.

I almost deleted this a few times but I need accountability as I'm sh*t scared this could be the start of a downward spiral. Or it could just be a slip, a reminder why I don't drink anymore. I'm trying not to over think it but also not to underplay it.

S x

Sazzle

I've been thinking more on what my actual thought was leading to that drink and this is going to sound really weird.

On 16th Sept I'm part of a research project for 12 weeks for developing a new (already tested) nutrition and fitness plan. I received the pack yesterday morning and the list of things to cut out included alcohol. I remember thinking that will be easy & started to think about cutting down coffee this week before the project starts. I have made huge leaps in my fitness, strength & diet over recent months. I've lost a little weight, masses of inches and look great. I remember thinking I just want to be 'normal' and as the project starts the Monday after a wedding, that I'd allow myself a glass of champagne at the wedding. Then, as the stresses of the work day went on, I thought I should have some alcohol to check I can have just one and not get sick! How messed up is that?

Everyone at work is sad/upset/angry at the restructure and there was the opportunity. A reason to drink. There was a real feeling of camaraderie and I just said yes, but I'd been thinking about it all day and more recently over the past month or two.

One thing is for sure I won't be drinking at that wedding on Saturday. And I don't want to go back to drinking either. This wedding is a trigger for me but it would be terrible not to go.

I feel like this is part of my journey. Alcohol is sneaky. I always thought I knew that there wasn't a single situation where drinking would make it better. But that classic toasting the happy couple is one that is sneaking in. I want to be as honest as I can for myself to learn and understand and also for this group that gives each other so much support.

I've spent all morning in bed reading my old posts and other posts on slips. Is it a slip or a relapse? Does it matter? It is what it is & I don't want to drink.

nomis

Thanks so much for sharing Sazz! Clearly that wasn't easy. You've been part of this group since forever. To trust us with that information is an honour.

Strangely I just mentioned in an earlier post, that stress is the number one cause of relapse for addicts. Actually, I think that fundamentally, that's what addiction is: an inability to manage chronic stress. Sounds a bit like that was what was behind your drinking last night.

I don't have any sage words of wisdom, I'll leave that for Dee. But I'll share a story about my relapse. I originally signed up here in April 2010, under the name Marlow, and got sober for 2.5 months, which I thought was the bees knees at the time. Had never even been 2 weeks sober before.

I was in school, then semester break hit for an entire month, and I thought "well clearly I know how to quit now, so I can drink and then stop whenever I want." We all know how well that turned out right? I was back drinking to my old levels within days, and then when I tried to quit again, I couldn't.

But I'm grateful. I learned I can never, ever drink. It's not something I can turn on and off like a tap. I learned the hard way, but that's what my relapse taught me.

All I can say, is I hope you get what I did from my relapse: a lesson on how to make your recovery stronger.

Stay strong, move forward, and don't beat yourself up too much.

Sazzle

Thanks Nomis

I'm not sure what to do. I didn't go to the AA meeting I planned to this afternoon. I don't know what to do. I'm so upset now that I've broken my run of sober days. I've reset my sober day app

I need to put plans in place so this doesn't happen again. Even this morning I was downplaying what I had done. 5 small glasses is over a bottle and I'm feeling quite rough today. I keep telling myself that I stopped, that it wasn't a binge, but if I'd had 'just one', I could say that. Not 5!

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your kind words. it means so much to me. Stress is my biggest trigger obviously and years and years of learned behaviour hasn't been erased by 10m sober.

I'd had thoughts before but managed to not drink. Yesterday was like auto pilot. I also had my 10m coin in my purse! I like to keep the most recent one there, but it's meaningless now.

ForMeForThem

Hi sazzle,

Thanks for your honesty. I know from experience how you feel and how difficult it is. You know I've sadly had to come and admit a relapse more than once. Lately I've been struggling with getting my resolve back. I found that once I gave in, if I'm honest with myself I gave myself permission to do it again if things got "bad enough" until it seemed recently like it was happening more often and for any reason/stress. I fell into the downward spiral and am just now getting that resolve back and trying to add things I should have long before. I should have made some important changes that I did not, and that is why i have continued to struggle. But from what I've seen Sazzle you have been adding things all along the way. I have admired and been inspired about all the changes and chances you took in these past 10 months, I've seen how much you have grown. What happened doesnt change any of that, all you've gained is not lost. Don't let this weaken your resolve, you can learn from it and continue moving forward.

If you need an ear, I'm here. Thinking of and sending hugs your way.

Sazzle

Thanks for your kind words FMFT. I've changed so much, I feel like a different person. I think that may be where it's starting to come undone. Last September I gave myself a year to sort my life out. Part of that was to address my drinking which I eventually did. That year is up & I have no idea why I set a deadline as I think this is messing with my head. I place a lot of pressure on myself.

I need to go back to basics, eat well, get fresh air and keep working on my happiness. I'm not going to let this keep me stuck.

Thanks for the reminder

S x

Sisterella

Love ya Saz!! Thank you for your openness and your honesty. None of us can ever get too comfortable. I remember in the early days of my sobriety of making really odd deals of "If X or Y ever happens" then I will allow myself to drink. Took me about a day to realize that I was giving myself an out. Sort of like the wedding and the deadline. I don't know if you have ever looked at the Rational Recovery stuff online, but it's really interesting. The process that is walked through regarding how you feel and respond when you tell yourself that you will never drink again, or if you tell yourself that you are allowed to have a drink in 500 years.... Even though the 500 years is not plausible your brain still takes it as an out and it's more comfortable. I have come to see X and Y as a proverbial foot in the proverbial door. They will wear us down and win if we give them any space at all.

Something you posted a few days back about being able to handle "just 1"... i thought it was ironic that you even put it in quotes. In our minds we always relapse in the singular.

So ... all that being said. You are one of the strongest ladies I've had the privilege of knowing over the last year. You have shown strength and given encouragement to all of us. You are wise enough to see this as the bump in the road that it is and will let it be a life lesson that teaches instead of destroys. So... put your big girls pants on and get back in the saddle their chica! We are all pulling for you! I KNOW you can do this!

Sazzle

Thanks Sis. I'm really welling up reading your reply. My big girl pants are belted on! I don't feel I deserve any of your forgiveness. I am so conscious that we are a group and I feel that my slip could harm someone's sobriety here as we are falling in numbers.

But today, despite a massive urge to drown my work situation (I had to suspend someone for gross misconduct, as well as worry about the restructure) I drove home, did not pass go, did not go to the pub and did not go straight to jail

I have the monopoly on my own future

I'm 10m less 1 day, plus 5 days and it will continue. The wedding is a trigger, but I have now recognised it. I could have got smashed at the wedding and 'ruined the toast' but I plan on staying sober & driving back happy and proud.

I will look at Rational Recovery too. I've been looking through old posts on our November group and the support we have given each other, and that has been afforded to me, is staggering. Especially around the New Year. I don't keep a journal or diary, but right her on this thread are my hopes, fears, successes and failings and I'm working through it to psychoanalyse myself.

Thanks everyone. And if anyone is reading this, any of the old faces who used to share and support us all, please pop in and say hi. Tell us what you're up to.

Love a truly blessed S x

veryready

Good to see you here Sisterella. Sazzle really happy to read your post. So scary when people slip. So often it seams like that is the last post they make. I would miss you too much so thanks for sticking around and starting another streak.

Everyone else, thanks for sticking here to. Rochele great seeing you here.

TDInstall

Yeah, slipping is one thing, but then getting back to it immediately shows you mean business. Keep at it.

Coming up to ten months for me next wednesday.

Coldfusion

Thanks for your posts, Sazzle. My wife and I have both been talking about drinking lately, but it never goes any further than talk. We just have to remind each other what one drink really means.

I love your attitude!

∞CF