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Class Of November 2012 - Part 6

Old 04-24-2014, 03:28 PM
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Hi everyone...blast from the past here. I finally got the courage up to log back in and post something. I occasionally read this thread but wasn't at a place I felt I could post. But, I think I finally am. I'm sober again and it's different, or at least I believe it is. I had one of those moments of clarity where I truly accepted that I cannot control my drinking and I surrendered to that. Since then, it's been easier for me.

I started drinking again last year after I went on vacation in February last year. I told myself I could handle it. And I guess I did for a time. I soon got back to a bottle of wine a night, often more. I hated myself more than ever. And I should have come back here and been honest and gotten support, but I did not.

You are all a very inspiring group. I'd like to come back and post here if that's okay. I won't run away again. I'll write more later...my mom is coming in to visit and I have to run to the store.

Best to you all.
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Old 04-24-2014, 05:16 PM
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good to see you again charleesavedme - welcome back

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Old 04-25-2014, 03:02 AM
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Welcome back charleesavedme!! I've thought of you often. I'm glad you're sober again and have come back to post. We are always here for you. I've had my share of stops and starts since I began my journey on SR and my Novie friends have supported me every step of the way.

Keep posting and let us know how you are. Not just when things are good - but also when you may need us the most. Glad you are back!
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:08 AM
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Thanks Dee. It feels good to be back.

That being said, I have been gone for a long time and I abandoned you all. And it's okay if you'd rather I not post here.

Please know that I thought about all of you a lot during the time when I couldn't get it together to stop drinking again. Because I couldn't commit to stopping, I didn't want to come back. I certainly didn't want to talk about my initial belief that maybe I didn't have a problem after all. What a joke. Really, now that I'm sober again, I can clearly see the foolishness of that.

And since I've truly accepted that I do have a problem. And I've accepted it and I've surrendered to some higher power (I'm not religious, but believe there is a higher power working in all of us), I feel like a burden has been lifted. I'm not in AA, but I guess this is part of their belief system. And it worked for me. I still have to work at it, but not like before. Now I'm honest with myself and with others close to me that I have a problem. And I cannot drink.

Anyway, congratulations to those of you who are way past the year mark now! And to FMFT and Sazzle, your honesty is inspiring and I'm particularly sorry that I didn't check in even when I saw that it was hurtful. Nomis, my marriage is up and down and I ultimately not sure we'll stay together. I'm sorry you are going through your troubles and also sorry that it sounds like it will be messy.

Of course, my dog, Charlee (my avatar) is still here with me and so happy that we are going for walks again and reminding me everyday to live in the joy of the moment.

Take care everyone.
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:09 AM
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Thank you FMTM, I just saw your post after I posted. I will not leave again! Have a great day!
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:38 AM
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Hey Charlee,

Great to see you again! Like others have said, I've thought about you often, wondering how you're doing. Please don't feel guilty about not posting here. Most of us haven't had a straight path in recovery also. I was once part of the April 2010 group, fell off the wagon and was too ashamed to post there either, so I understand completely how you're feeling. But on the other side of the coin, those of us here, want to do nothing but support you, cause nobody is perfect. Who understands that more than a group of recovering alcoholics, right? Thrilled you're back!

On another note, it's coming up to 18 months for me, and I'm really starting to get the itch to come out of the closet with my family and friends. I'm growing weary of the "I don't drink, cause it isn't my thing" line anymore. BUT at the same, a year and a half is a short time, and I'm still scared to death of the judgement that will result.

Had an interesting day today. Am all by myself in a hotel for a conference, and couldn't get the scene from the movie "Flight" out of my head, the one where he destroys his minibar. I guess that would qualify as a craving. Difficult to get my head around the fact that those will never go away for the rest of my life. Suffice to say, I didn't succumb, and am grateful for that.
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:03 PM
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Hey folks. Charlee good to see you here. Great to see you here.

Originally Posted by charleesavedme View Post
...it's okay if you'd rather I not post here...
I actually thought this was funny. You are as welcome here as anyone else. We are all in this together.

You say you feel like a burden has been lifted. I felt the exact same way when I finally stopped. It was such a relief somehow. Like, thank god that is over. I had stopped before, but I had never had that feeling until the last time.

Sorry, I have been reading the posts, but have been too busy to post much. I didn't want to just throw something in here without having the proper time to think about it. I'm always glad to see posts here and hope you are all well.

Nomis, just sorry to hear what you are dealing with. Jeez that just sounds brutal. Hoping you can find happiness. You deserve it.
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Old 04-26-2014, 03:50 AM
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Thanks Nomis and VeryReady. I'm very glad to be back and just posting here actually lifted another burden from me that I came clean here, with the people who were there when I first started this journey.

Nomis, that scene in Flight is very powerful. I'm glad you made it. You are doing so well - 18 months! Wow...I look forward to that day, I really do.

VeryReady, that is exactly how I feel now. When I decided to be honest with my husband this time, as opposed to last time when I just said I stopped drinking to feel better, he said, "Well, it's not your fault, it's in your DNA." And it's true, three of my four great-grandfathers were alcoholics. All three died from some sort of alcohol-related disease. None of my grandparents drank much; probably as a result of the damage caused by their fathers. My dad has a problem, although he doesn't drink until the evening (and only drinks light beer). However, because I have a problem myself, I recognize the signs of checking out of life, losing interest in doing things etc. because drinking becomes what you think about most. So, when I truly accepted that I have something in my genetics that makes me unable to be a normal drinker, it was a lot easier to let it go and feel the relief of acceptance.

That being said, I have to work at it and I'm much more of a newbie than all of you, but wiser with the experience of the relapse.

It's a beautiful morning here. My husband is leaving for a business trip to Florida today and my mom will be here all week to help out with the kids. It's good to have her here and not be drinking so we can spend quality time together.

Have a great weekend everyone!
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:34 AM
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Hey Charlee - I didn't have time to write a longer response the other day, just a quick welcome back. I was thinking about you and I wanted to say, please don't feel bad about not posting or question whether you belong here. We all get it, we've all been there in one way or another. Really I think we alcoholics burden ourselves with enough guilt over our drinking, we don't need to add anymore to it. I remember after one of my relapses, questioning whether or not I belonged on this thread - I think it was Nomis who said the Novies are like the mafia - once your in, you're in for life! And as veryready said, we're all in this together. I'm glad you're back and that burdens are lifting. Sounds like you're doing well.

I can relate to alot of what you're feeling this time. Acceptance was key for me as well. I spent a long time before I ever joined SR making deals with myself and questioning whether I really had a problem. As things progressed, I knew I had a problem, I found SR but still struggled with relapses. I could go for a period of time but when stress overwhelmed me I just couldn't seem to deal with life without drinking. I didn't know how. Also my expectations of sobriety were all wrong. Simply not drinking was not going to suddenly make life easy and take away all my problems. I had to accept that life was life, there would always be ups and downs, and that I had to face it without drinking, no matter what. I kept trying and one day it finally clicked, I was done and it was a relief. I still have to work at it, but it feels different and easier this time, so I get what you're saying. If you ever need support, please reach out, I'm here every day.

Nomis - so proud of you for showing that minibar who's boss! As for "coming out", I bet you'll know when it's the right time and when it's the right thing for your sobriety. I'm not sure I ever will open up about it to my family and friends. You all know more about my struggles and the depth of my problem than even my husband. For now I'm comfortable with that, some day I may feel it's time, we'll see.

veryready, sazzle and everyone else...hope you are well. I'm thinking of all you!
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Old 04-29-2014, 03:08 AM
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Good morning...another early morning for me. My daughter gets on the bus at 6:20 so our mornings are super early. With my mom here, I have not had time to check in but thanks for your posts. I have not said anything to my mom...She was the first person I told last time (that I stopped, not that I thought I was an alcoholic) but this time, I need more time until I come clean. She can see I'm not drinking and that's enough for now. I'm not sure of very much except that each day I wake up with gratitude and each night I go to bed sober. Telling my husband was easier because although we have had a rocky road of late, we try to be honest with each other and I know I can trust him. Tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. He's still out of town, but we'll go out to dinner when he gets back. We don't eat out very much, so I am looking forward to enjoying the food rather than wondering how many glasses of wine I can get with dinner.

FMFT, I drank to deal with stress and I attribute the length of my relapse to my belief that I couldn't deal with life. Between work and the family, it's often overwhelming. I'm reading a book called "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnson which is about the relationship between women and alcohol. It's not the best book in the world, but it has some really interesting points about the increase in drinking among women. Johnston got sober herself and she also shares her own story.

Hope it's a good day for everyone!
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:10 AM
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Hi Charlee. Good work.
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:11 AM
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Hey Charlee,

I understand coming out to your parents is not easy, for anyone. My parents were scared to death of my drinking for years, and looking back I put them through emotional hell in a few situations. I haven't had the conversation with them that I'm an alcoholic, they're just thrilled I don't drink. My dad has in fact, stopped drinking in solidarity with me. Mom, on the other hand still openly drinks around me. I certainly don't complain, but I think it says something about her issues.

It was maybe about ten months ago I realized how important it was to have that conversation though. We were chatting about the Rob Ford scandal and they started in on how addicts are fundamentally bad and weak-willed people. Of course it hurt to hear them say that, but I've done far worse to them emotionally so it wouldn't be fair to stomp my feet about it. But, it was shocking, since not only am I an alcoholic, but my sister is also a recovering heroin addict (9 years sober thank god).

The first thought that came into my head was, it was clear, despite all of the emotional wounds addiction had inflicted on them, they had done absolutely no research into it's causes and effects. Instead they've internalized the pain, if I had to guess, probably because they're terrified to admit any role in it.

I know I blamed myself for alot of things, didn't work out too well either. Kept me sick for a long time, and I kinda see the same thing happening in reverse with them. Addiction is a family disease, that's tough for both the addict and the family to admit I think.

Having said all that, I still haven't had that conversation, so I shouldn't be getting all preachy.

Keep up the good work Charlee. Hope everything goes well at dinner, food is very much enjoyable without wine. Word of caution though, going out to restaurants used to be and still is a huge trigger for me.

VR and FMFT, great to see you guys around. Looks like we're finally going to make it to an 7th thread, 14 months later :0
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Old 04-29-2014, 01:42 PM
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FMFT - 6 Months today. Congrats. What an awesome accomplishment.
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Old 04-29-2014, 04:47 PM
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Thanks VeryReady!

Great job, FMFT! Six months...what a great accomplishment. I hope you are feeling good today.

Nomis, I'm sorry that your parents believe that addicts are weak-willed etc. I believed that for a long time. That if I only had a strong enough will power, I could be a normal drinker. I've come to believe that I was born this way no more than if I was born with an allergy to dairy or wheat. If only being alcohol-free was as trendy right now as being gluten free...right? That doesn't negate the damage done by the years of drinking too much and the toll that takes on families, but maybe someday they will recognize the genetic connection to addiction.

I'm also glad to hear your sister beat her addiction to heroin.

It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your parents and maybe some day will be the right day or maybe you'll just continue to show them your sobriety rather than talk about it. I think for a while that's how I'll handle my parents. I have to tell my sister because my brother-in-law is a big wine drinker and was always offering me wine. I'm going to their house in June for my niece's graduation so I will have to make sure everyone knows it's off the table. I'm already planning my strategy this time so I don't slip like I did when I went on vacation last year. My sister is not a big drinker and will be a true supporter.

I also agree that eating out could be a big trigger, but since I told my husband that I have a problem and have to stop, I think in this instance, I will be okay. But, another part of my strategy is staying close to home for quite a while to avoid any triggers until I get more time behind me. Thank you for your sage advice.

I had a pretty stressful day at work and then we have tornado and storm warnings here which make me nervous. But I'm here with my mint iced tea and my head is clear in the event bad weather comes our way and I have to take action to keep everyone safe. I'll take that for today.

Part 7 here we come!
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:35 AM
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Just wanted to say thanks guys for the congrats on 6 months. Feels good. I've still got a lot of work to do but I feel like I'm standing on solid ground now and ready to keep moving forward. I'm a year behind most of you, that year was filled with lots of ups and downs, starts and stops and lots of learning. I wanted to give a sincere thank you to all of you on this thread. You were there when I first started this journey and you never gave up giving me support, advice and encouragement. Some of the wise words you've given to me after I stumbled, are the words I think about when I'm struggling. I'm grateful to have you on this journey with me and I'm really proud of each you.
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by charleesavedme View Post
I had a pretty stressful day at work and then we have tornado and storm warnings here which make me nervous. But I'm here with my mint iced tea and my head is clear in the event bad weather comes our way and I have to take action to keep everyone safe. I'll take that for today.

Part 7 here we come!
Charlee-hope you made it through the storms safe and sound. Scary and heartbreaking to see the devastation from these storms. It's a good feeling to be sober and know you're ready to handle an emergency. It's crazy how I would drink and still truly believe I could handle situations should they arise-thank god I was never tested because I'm not sure if I would've passed. Just another reason to hang on to sobriety today. Hope you are well.
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Old 05-01-2014, 05:02 AM
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time for a new thread guys:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-7-a.html

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