Codependency and Beyond - Part 25
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Hello friends, I am so grateful you are all here today! Every couple of days I read to catch up, but I have been crazy busy.
Highlights include a reunification with MW's 13 year old and I. We all went to Universal studios (my nephew and I met MW and V there) and it went swimmingly.
I got to hold both gbabies for hours Sunday, what fun
I am working for an attorney with 25 years sobriety who is very active in the recovery community. It is a part time gig but it is a big change for me, and I am certain it is right on time
Since the Washington trip I have been having lots of feelings about living on my own, and or taking a step back from MW. I havent sorted it all out, but I remember at the end of my marriage when every few days (or hours) something would come up and I would swing to wanting to leave.
I love the first reading I opened today here about paying attention to my feelings and acknowledging them. I sat and cried as I read it.
MW got an email on facebook from and old friend saying he had a secret admirer and was he single. When he made the announcement he said "better change my relationship status so all of these AA women interested in me know I have a girl"
Heres the thing. Based on past behaviors of his, this is unlikely to happen. He has admitted that his entire adult life he has had an aversion to being seen as "in a committed relationship"
It goes along with his mantra of we only have this moment, and we dont know what tomorrow will bring, but today it feels icky. I am in a weepy mood anyway, had my 5 year IUD replaced yesterday and it is playing with my head some BUT, I also just wish it was an easy question for him to answer. "Yes, I have a girl and she is great" =)
Thats how my husband would have answered it. Thats how the "good" boyfriends in books and movies answer it.
The gift is that I get to look at my feelings and question whether or not I need to be emotionally validated by him, or if I can be secure within myself. Bleh
Highlights include a reunification with MW's 13 year old and I. We all went to Universal studios (my nephew and I met MW and V there) and it went swimmingly.
I got to hold both gbabies for hours Sunday, what fun
I am working for an attorney with 25 years sobriety who is very active in the recovery community. It is a part time gig but it is a big change for me, and I am certain it is right on time
Since the Washington trip I have been having lots of feelings about living on my own, and or taking a step back from MW. I havent sorted it all out, but I remember at the end of my marriage when every few days (or hours) something would come up and I would swing to wanting to leave.
I love the first reading I opened today here about paying attention to my feelings and acknowledging them. I sat and cried as I read it.
MW got an email on facebook from and old friend saying he had a secret admirer and was he single. When he made the announcement he said "better change my relationship status so all of these AA women interested in me know I have a girl"
Heres the thing. Based on past behaviors of his, this is unlikely to happen. He has admitted that his entire adult life he has had an aversion to being seen as "in a committed relationship"
It goes along with his mantra of we only have this moment, and we dont know what tomorrow will bring, but today it feels icky. I am in a weepy mood anyway, had my 5 year IUD replaced yesterday and it is playing with my head some BUT, I also just wish it was an easy question for him to answer. "Yes, I have a girl and she is great" =)
Thats how my husband would have answered it. Thats how the "good" boyfriends in books and movies answer it.
The gift is that I get to look at my feelings and question whether or not I need to be emotionally validated by him, or if I can be secure within myself. Bleh
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I would also like to add that Dr Paul's story in the BB is an interesting read for me today. There is a famous passage about acceptance, but the story itself outlines how when he et his wife, everything she did was adorable and attractive. In the darkness of his bottom, everything she did was rotten and horrid, and they have been happily married for years and ears and she went back to being adorable as he did the steps. She wasn't the one who change. . .I can dig it
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Lisa - congrats on the job - I pray it all continues to work out well with MW & life itself - but in all honesty I know it will - well because as we all know - things work out the way they are suppose to - not always the way we wanted, dreamed or thought they would - but always the way they need to in order for life to flow, us to grow and things to happen ~ or at least that's the way I look at life - it helps me make it thru ~
PINK HUGS!
PINK HUGS!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Thursday, November 29, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Step Twelve
The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others. Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health - a better way of life, one that works.
How do we carry it? Not by rescuing. Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves. When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well intentioned "helping" gesture. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work. I will let go of my need to "help" people. Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself. If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly. God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope. I can be a channel to help others when I am ready. I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Step Twelve
The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others. Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health - a better way of life, one that works.
How do we carry it? Not by rescuing. Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves. When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well intentioned "helping" gesture. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work. I will let go of my need to "help" people. Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself. If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly. God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope. I can be a channel to help others when I am ready. I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Happy Thursday all -
promise not to be as wordy as yesterday -
Sharing a part of today's reading for Courage to Change pg 334
"Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. All I have to do is be me."
May each of us go out today & enjoy life being the wonderful "me"s we are intended to be ~
love & pink hugs to all
promise not to be as wordy as yesterday -
Sharing a part of today's reading for Courage to Change pg 334
"Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. All I have to do is be me."
May each of us go out today & enjoy life being the wonderful "me"s we are intended to be ~
love & pink hugs to all
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Friday, November 30, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detachment
One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.
"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.
Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detachment
One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.
"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.
Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
It's funny - I haven't actually read Language of Letting Go in years and years, but there are some readings I remember, so well. This is one of them
Grateful to know that, even though I thought codependency was "interesting", *I* thought I wasn't one of them but stuff still stuck in my brain for when I got out of denial.
Had my orientation yesterday, got my name badge and signed all the paperwork. It's still "contingent" upon the background check, but she told me they don't do a credit check and all they've asked about is whether I've ever had a felony and I do NOT have that on my record, thank you God!
She's supposed to get the background check either yesterday or today, if we haven't heard from them by next week, we are to call (there were 4 of us). Have to take a couple of short classes at the office, but one will get me certified in CPR/first aid for another year the other will allow me to make 50 cents/hour more and take on more clients.
I'm excited, but still waiting on the background check to do my happy dance.
Hope everyone has a good day!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Grateful to know that, even though I thought codependency was "interesting", *I* thought I wasn't one of them but stuff still stuck in my brain for when I got out of denial.Had my orientation yesterday, got my name badge and signed all the paperwork. It's still "contingent" upon the background check, but she told me they don't do a credit check and all they've asked about is whether I've ever had a felony and I do NOT have that on my record, thank you God!
She's supposed to get the background check either yesterday or today, if we haven't heard from them by next week, we are to call (there were 4 of us). Have to take a couple of short classes at the office, but one will get me certified in CPR/first aid for another year the other will allow me to make 50 cents/hour more and take on more clients.
I'm excited, but still waiting on the background check to do my happy dance.
Hope everyone has a good day!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My first assignment for new job is tomorrow and Sunday
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 4
I am freakin loosing it one day without talkin to my coda contact and poof I'm out of wack wish be glad when this stops i choose peace and can't have it people will tell u to put your kids out but it is easier said than done he's actin good right now and I am as bad or worse I gotta stay focused but I feel so bad ughhhh !
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Hi everyone,
Amy how exciting I am so proud of you. I admire you didn't give up and that is something I can't say about myself. But see I have not one but two felonies and about 6 misdemeanors so its just hopeless. All I can think of is maybe the more I get into my church and celebrate recovery I ma meet someone who is willing to give me a chance or at least know someone who will. The thing is though I have to pick myself back up and start looking again. I just got so frustrated I gave up on it.
I am sitting here really grateful for my life in recovery cause I just saw my neighbor across the ally get busted with a DUI by state troopers. I opened my window and I could hear him being really belligerent to the female officer. Then after they took him away they towed his car even though it was parked where he lives. Still can't figure out that one? It is the weekend so if he doesn't have bail money which he probably doesn't he has to sit in there till Monday. All I could do is say a prayer for him and tell God how thankful I was it was not me.
cbutterfly sorry for the bad day you are having. I take it it has to do with one of you kids? Are they having problems? Anyway I hope it all works out and we are here if you need us to be. don't you like how I just spoke for everyone?
Lily thanks for the posting. I really like the gerbil story and of course the moral of the story detach with acceptance & love, is what I got out of it anyway. Giving up that control is a real obstacle some days.
Ms Pink all I have to do is be me I so love that.
Have a great weekend all.
Amy how exciting I am so proud of you. I admire you didn't give up and that is something I can't say about myself. But see I have not one but two felonies and about 6 misdemeanors so its just hopeless. All I can think of is maybe the more I get into my church and celebrate recovery I ma meet someone who is willing to give me a chance or at least know someone who will. The thing is though I have to pick myself back up and start looking again. I just got so frustrated I gave up on it.
I am sitting here really grateful for my life in recovery cause I just saw my neighbor across the ally get busted with a DUI by state troopers. I opened my window and I could hear him being really belligerent to the female officer. Then after they took him away they towed his car even though it was parked where he lives. Still can't figure out that one? It is the weekend so if he doesn't have bail money which he probably doesn't he has to sit in there till Monday. All I could do is say a prayer for him and tell God how thankful I was it was not me.
cbutterfly sorry for the bad day you are having. I take it it has to do with one of you kids? Are they having problems? Anyway I hope it all works out and we are here if you need us to be. don't you like how I just spoke for everyone?
Lily thanks for the posting. I really like the gerbil story and of course the moral of the story detach with acceptance & love, is what I got out of it anyway. Giving up that control is a real obstacle some days.
Ms Pink all I have to do is be me I so love that.
Have a great weekend all.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Saturday, December 1, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting People Be There for Us
Sometimes, we need nurturing. Sometimes, we need people to support us.
Many of us have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long we may not realize it's something we want and need. Many of us have learned to block our stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.
We may not reach out to have our needs met. We may be in relationships with people who cannot or will not be available to meet our needs. Or we may be in relationships with people who would be happy to respond to a direct request from us.
We may have to give up something to do this. We may have to let go of our martyr or victim role. If we ask for what we want and need, and get those needs met, we will not be able to punish people, or push them away later on, for disappointing us.
We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us. We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.
Learn to let others be there for us.
Today, I will be open to identifying what I need from people, and I will ask for what I want directly. I will let others be there for me.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting People Be There for Us
Sometimes, we need nurturing. Sometimes, we need people to support us.
Many of us have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long we may not realize it's something we want and need. Many of us have learned to block our stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.
We may not reach out to have our needs met. We may be in relationships with people who cannot or will not be available to meet our needs. Or we may be in relationships with people who would be happy to respond to a direct request from us.
We may have to give up something to do this. We may have to let go of our martyr or victim role. If we ask for what we want and need, and get those needs met, we will not be able to punish people, or push them away later on, for disappointing us.
We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us. We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.
Learn to let others be there for us.
Today, I will be open to identifying what I need from people, and I will ask for what I want directly. I will let others be there for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
But, Lily, I am so attached to my martyrdom!! 
All kidding aside, this is something my counselor suggested, too. "Maybe your husband really needs to feel useful." I've been trying. It's hard!! Actually, it occurs to me that my counselor knows me to be very codie - maybe he suggested it that way so I'd actually DO it, because it's for Husband, not me!!
YAY, Amy!!!!!! Very happy for you!!
Newby, any chance of applying for expungement? (not my business, and not asking for you to tell me! Just thinking that might be an option for you)
Happy Saturday evening, everyone!
All kidding aside, this is something my counselor suggested, too. "Maybe your husband really needs to feel useful." I've been trying. It's hard!! Actually, it occurs to me that my counselor knows me to be very codie - maybe he suggested it that way so I'd actually DO it, because it's for Husband, not me!! YAY, Amy!!!!!! Very happy for you!!
Newby, any chance of applying for expungement? (not my business, and not asking for you to tell me! Just thinking that might be an option for you)
Happy Saturday evening, everyone!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Sunday, December 2, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Putting Our Life on Hold
We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be. That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy... I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy....
That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.
What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need. Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.
Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Putting Our Life on Hold
We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be. That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy... I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy....
That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.
What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need. Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.
Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Monday, December 3, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Developing Healthy Tolerance
Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it.
Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.
God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Developing Healthy Tolerance
Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it.
Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.
God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning my friends ~
Congratulations Amy - I am so proud FOR you ~ I pray that the job is wonderful & that you truly enjoy each & every moment of it!!
Newby - I pray that your HP provides a way for you to enjoy the same success
For our others struggling with our same Codie issues- as it was said to me by a wise sponsor - if you want something different - you have to be willing to DO something different ~
I can't tell you how many times I looked in my mirror and repeated that sentence over & over & over so that I would NOT repeat the same behaviors when I was married to my now EX AH!!
It truly saved my life ~
My friends - I have a continued prayer request - Kaileigh's Dad is in jail - he went in on Friday. He is suppose to serve 10 days ~
As of right now, our sunshine doesn't know ~ we are working hard for her NOT to find out ~
She's 8, it's Christmas and you know - she's has been thru enough - she's finally getting secure & happy & it just seems like it should be ok for her to enjoy life for a while
If she knows he's in jail - she will worry about him!! We live in a small town & people don't think - they talk about stuff in front of the kids & those kids will talk to Kaileigh - but we are hoping she doesn't find out - If she does - I'll handle it
This of course is only 1 of the set of charges he has pending - but ODAT ~
Mr. PINK seems to be doing pretty well - I do believe in the next day or so he will go deposit $$ for him, but Mr. PINK has to walk his own path too ~ I had to come to my own place of recovery to not do that for Ash anymore - Mr. PINK isn't there yet -
I have to detach & let go ~
So anyway - please keep us in your thoughts if you have some spare time - we greatly appreciate it ~
Thank you so much ~
PINK HUGS & as I try to practice every day - There is always, always, always something to be grateful for ~
Today I am grateful for my recovery, that keeps me sane, serenity, loving and kind.
Congratulations Amy - I am so proud FOR you ~ I pray that the job is wonderful & that you truly enjoy each & every moment of it!!
Newby - I pray that your HP provides a way for you to enjoy the same success
For our others struggling with our same Codie issues- as it was said to me by a wise sponsor - if you want something different - you have to be willing to DO something different ~
I can't tell you how many times I looked in my mirror and repeated that sentence over & over & over so that I would NOT repeat the same behaviors when I was married to my now EX AH!!
It truly saved my life ~
My friends - I have a continued prayer request - Kaileigh's Dad is in jail - he went in on Friday. He is suppose to serve 10 days ~
As of right now, our sunshine doesn't know ~ we are working hard for her NOT to find out ~
She's 8, it's Christmas and you know - she's has been thru enough - she's finally getting secure & happy & it just seems like it should be ok for her to enjoy life for a while
If she knows he's in jail - she will worry about him!! We live in a small town & people don't think - they talk about stuff in front of the kids & those kids will talk to Kaileigh - but we are hoping she doesn't find out - If she does - I'll handle it
This of course is only 1 of the set of charges he has pending - but ODAT ~
Mr. PINK seems to be doing pretty well - I do believe in the next day or so he will go deposit $$ for him, but Mr. PINK has to walk his own path too ~ I had to come to my own place of recovery to not do that for Ash anymore - Mr. PINK isn't there yet -
I have to detach & let go ~
So anyway - please keep us in your thoughts if you have some spare time - we greatly appreciate it ~
Thank you so much ~
PINK HUGS & as I try to practice every day - There is always, always, always something to be grateful for ~
Today I am grateful for my recovery, that keeps me sane, serenity, loving and kind.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Morning Everyone,
Sueski I looked into all that concerning my record as a matter of fact I have ton's & tons of paperwork from the law library. In the state of WA they don't have what some states call expungement they have what is called a sealed record or vacate but from what the paperwork tells me I can only get one felony excused not 2 and it costs a whole lot of $ that I do not have and none of the free law places will help. Thanks though for the thought.
Ms Pink thanks as always for the good wishes & prayers and same back at ya. It must be hard on all of you dealing with those issues. But you know the saying what doesn't kill ya will make you stronger. I always say or think yeah right.
Lily thanks for the posting I especially got a lot out of Sunday's. I used to well lets get honest here at times still do argue with myself about the reality of my pain. I try and down play it and at times I don't validate that little girl inside of me that is lonely for family. I think some of it stems from when I was growing up my Dad used to always tell us when we were feeling sad or depressed that we were into self pity and we needed to think positive. I know he meant no harm but kids need to be validated when they are in pain. Adults to for that matter cause now I seem to give myself that same message.
So everyone I hope and pray you all have a blessed week.
Sueski I looked into all that concerning my record as a matter of fact I have ton's & tons of paperwork from the law library. In the state of WA they don't have what some states call expungement they have what is called a sealed record or vacate but from what the paperwork tells me I can only get one felony excused not 2 and it costs a whole lot of $ that I do not have and none of the free law places will help. Thanks though for the thought.
Ms Pink thanks as always for the good wishes & prayers and same back at ya. It must be hard on all of you dealing with those issues. But you know the saying what doesn't kill ya will make you stronger. I always say or think yeah right.
Lily thanks for the posting I especially got a lot out of Sunday's. I used to well lets get honest here at times still do argue with myself about the reality of my pain. I try and down play it and at times I don't validate that little girl inside of me that is lonely for family. I think some of it stems from when I was growing up my Dad used to always tell us when we were feeling sad or depressed that we were into self pity and we needed to think positive. I know he meant no harm but kids need to be validated when they are in pain. Adults to for that matter cause now I seem to give myself that same message.
So everyone I hope and pray you all have a blessed week.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go
"How much do we need to let go of?" a friend asked one day.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but maybe everything."
Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.
We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires - everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, it's important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it's equally important to follow through by letting go.
Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we're meant to have.
Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
Who are we to say that things aren't happening exactly as they need to happen?
There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn't happen. Something better does.
Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.
Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.
Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go
"How much do we need to let go of?" a friend asked one day.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but maybe everything."
Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.
We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires - everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, it's important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it's equally important to follow through by letting go.
Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we're meant to have.
Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
Who are we to say that things aren't happening exactly as they need to happen?
There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn't happen. Something better does.
Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.
Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.
Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.
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