Class of May 2012 part 11
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
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Thanks Dee. She's had 2 nervous breakdowns in the past, and I guess I'm petrified she will dip big time.
Yes, this move will be right for me. I had a phone call from the Head of the new school last night. He is so keen for me to go for this job, he has re-written the job description to suit me and unless I seriously F up the interview, it is as good as mine. It was a well intentioned phone call but I somehow felt so disloyal.
I need to try and balance all this.
Yes, this move will be right for me. I had a phone call from the Head of the new school last night. He is so keen for me to go for this job, he has re-written the job description to suit me and unless I seriously F up the interview, it is as good as mine. It was a well intentioned phone call but I somehow felt so disloyal.
I need to try and balance all this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
It's not disloyal to do whats right for you Jeni - and it's natural to worry about your friend too...
but it would be unhealthy I think to be more concerned about your friend more than your own future.
D
but it would be unhealthy I think to be more concerned about your friend more than your own future.
D
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
I agree with Dee, Jeni.
Something I've thought alot about in the last few months is how often I would respond to hurt or insecurity with different emotions or actions to mask that hurt and insecurity -- anger, sulkiness, manipulation, etc.
This is partly an alcoholic response and partly just a very human one.
I don't know your friend or what she specifically has said to you, but it sounds very much like she is guilting you about your decision.
Try to remember that at root, she's just hurt that you'll be gone and things will change. But that doesn't mean you are hurting her. You are just doing what's best for you and your life, and sometimes when we or others do that, things change. And change hurts. And so we go to those defense mechanisms.
Which is to say -- don't be drawn into your friend's drama or guilt. It's just a funny way us humans have of showing love.
There's the possibility that you will drift apart in your friendship by working elsewhere, and no doubt that's where some of your friend's fear comes from. But none of us can predict the future. It's equally plausible that your friendship will deepen, in the same way as when we call old friends whom we no longer see everyday (which once seemed terrible) and speak to them with an immediacy and closeness that we often didn't have when we did see them daily.
You'll be alright. And you're doing right. And your friendship will be alright.
My apologies if I'm misreading the situation. Try checking out the book Radical Forgiveness.. I think it might help you gain strength and clarity in this situation.
Something I've thought alot about in the last few months is how often I would respond to hurt or insecurity with different emotions or actions to mask that hurt and insecurity -- anger, sulkiness, manipulation, etc.
This is partly an alcoholic response and partly just a very human one.
I don't know your friend or what she specifically has said to you, but it sounds very much like she is guilting you about your decision.
Try to remember that at root, she's just hurt that you'll be gone and things will change. But that doesn't mean you are hurting her. You are just doing what's best for you and your life, and sometimes when we or others do that, things change. And change hurts. And so we go to those defense mechanisms.
Which is to say -- don't be drawn into your friend's drama or guilt. It's just a funny way us humans have of showing love.
There's the possibility that you will drift apart in your friendship by working elsewhere, and no doubt that's where some of your friend's fear comes from. But none of us can predict the future. It's equally plausible that your friendship will deepen, in the same way as when we call old friends whom we no longer see everyday (which once seemed terrible) and speak to them with an immediacy and closeness that we often didn't have when we did see them daily.
You'll be alright. And you're doing right. And your friendship will be alright.
My apologies if I'm misreading the situation. Try checking out the book Radical Forgiveness.. I think it might help you gain strength and clarity in this situation.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Yes, you're right. Thanks Dee. Changing the way I think and react to situations is still a work in progress for me. I will get there. I'm already calmer. I will keep busy today and focus my mind onto positive thoughts.
What would I do without SR? Spoke to H about it this morning and showed him her texts, and he just shrugged and said 'well she will just have to get used to it!'. Sometimes I wish I had his simplistic way of looking at things!!
What would I do without SR? Spoke to H about it this morning and showed him her texts, and he just shrugged and said 'well she will just have to get used to it!'. Sometimes I wish I had his simplistic way of looking at things!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
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Thanks Deserto. No you haven't mis-read the situation at all. She said to me that's it's taken her years to find someone who understands her, and now I'm leaving and she won't cope. This is a reaction that, although way over the top, hits me hard. It sort of reminds me of when I left home to go to college leaving my siblings to cope with all the violence without my protection. The feelings of guilt and betrayal are the same but of course the situation is totally different.
Actually I had forgotten that memory until I typed it! Remembering helps me understand my reactions.
Thankyou. A bit teary now.
You guys are awesome. Sometimes I find all this emotional stuff a bit tricky xxx
Actually I had forgotten that memory until I typed it! Remembering helps me understand my reactions.
Thankyou. A bit teary now.
You guys are awesome. Sometimes I find all this emotional stuff a bit tricky xxx
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Aussie
Posts: 382
How funny, today would have been day 120. Instead it's day 1.
I slipped about 2 weeks ago. At first it was just 1 cocktail, then the next day I had 2 and I was fine. I started to think that maybe I don't have a problem with alcohol again.
Then last night I went out and probably drank around 12 standard drinks. I was loud, outrageous and obnoxious. Today I'm ashamed, anxious and terribly hungover. When everyone was hanging out today we talked about last night and everyone was laughing it off about how wild it was and I joined in but inside I was cringing.
I can't do this alone anymore tomorrow night I'm going to an AA meeting. I'm sorry to have let everyone down.
I slipped about 2 weeks ago. At first it was just 1 cocktail, then the next day I had 2 and I was fine. I started to think that maybe I don't have a problem with alcohol again.
Then last night I went out and probably drank around 12 standard drinks. I was loud, outrageous and obnoxious. Today I'm ashamed, anxious and terribly hungover. When everyone was hanging out today we talked about last night and everyone was laughing it off about how wild it was and I joined in but inside I was cringing.
I can't do this alone anymore tomorrow night I'm going to an AA meeting. I'm sorry to have let everyone down.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
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I'm so sorry SJD. This alcoholic brain is clever and patient. It waits until we feel strong, then it strikes. You have my sympathy xxx.
I really do believe though that these relapses happen for a reason. They can in fact make us stronger than ever. I know that's no comfort to you as you struggle to come to terms with this, but if there's a lesson to be learned for us all it's that we can NEVER drink normally. We are just built differently from other people.
I'm sending you lots of love today. I know you feel like crap, but be gentle with yourself. Drink plenty of water, rest, then try out that meeting.
Today is day 1. But it's the last day 1 you need ever have xxx
I really do believe though that these relapses happen for a reason. They can in fact make us stronger than ever. I know that's no comfort to you as you struggle to come to terms with this, but if there's a lesson to be learned for us all it's that we can NEVER drink normally. We are just built differently from other people.
I'm sending you lots of love today. I know you feel like crap, but be gentle with yourself. Drink plenty of water, rest, then try out that meeting.
Today is day 1. But it's the last day 1 you need ever have xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I'm sorry to hear than Jane, but you haven't let anyone else down.
Everyone of us has been there before. We understand
I'm glad you're adding something to your support base.
I'm glad to see you back with us on SR too
D
Everyone of us has been there before. We understand
I'm glad you're adding something to your support base.
I'm glad to see you back with us on SR too
D
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Jane, I am so impressed that you are going to an AA meeting tomorrow!
You have shown tremendous strength in staying sober. All of us on this thread are at different stations in life -- heck, I'm a 40 year-old cowboy with spur marks in the back of my neck from doing yoga -- but I have always been impressed by you and Em for tackling this problem that we all share while in university. That is a tough environment to be in.
You've got this. I'm glad to see you picking yourself up and renewing and redoubling your effort. And I am glad you are back.
You have shown tremendous strength in staying sober. All of us on this thread are at different stations in life -- heck, I'm a 40 year-old cowboy with spur marks in the back of my neck from doing yoga -- but I have always been impressed by you and Em for tackling this problem that we all share while in university. That is a tough environment to be in.
You've got this. I'm glad to see you picking yourself up and renewing and redoubling your effort. And I am glad you are back.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Day 50. And Day 5. A sunny day, and a day to go over to the allotments. I'm typing this while I wait for my beloved to get up. He didn't sleep too well last night. The fact that I know this would suggest that I didn't either. But here I am, dressed, fed, watered, and waiting. He was the one who wanted to be up early today too...
Do I sound like I'm building up a resentment? I hope not. And I hope I'm not.
How do I feel today? Well, my head seems to be back where it should be, I'm not crabby, irritable, depressed, and generally nasty to be around. Which is good. Physically, I'm tired and a little sore. Mentally... (sigh) I can already hear the siren call of "well, that wasn't so bad."
No, it wasn't. But that's not the point. Chemists know how long 32 tablets should last somebody, so I'd need a good mental list of which ones I can't go to just yet. Plus they do talk to each other occasionally, so lets say I did find 20-30... And not being able to eat for 5 hours before hand. Unmanageable. Totally unmanageable.
And yet... on Friday afternoon, when I knew I had to travel, I was considering not coming back. Actually I'd decided not to come back. Or rather, the AV had.
But I did. And here I am.
((SoberJaneDoe)) - you haven't let anybody down. And sometimes, as Jeni said, our slips happen for a reason. I know that, since my last one, I've not wanted to drink. Except on maybe two or three occasions. And then I just fast forwarded the tape.
Jeni - good luck with your interview. Your friend sounds a little needy. Hope that isn't harsh. It's not as if you won't ever talk again, is it?
FP - hope you've had a good night's rest.
As for me. I went to see mum at the home yesterday. She seems to have settled in well, which is nice. She's had her hair cut, and yes, it does suit her. Oh, and she's had new glasses too. But seeing so many people asleep in their chairs...
I was nearly in tears when I said hello. We went and sat outside for a little while, and had a conversation which consisted mostly of her asking when I had to leave - not that she wanted to be rid of me, I think she just wanted to know - and me telling her. She told me we could write to each other, and phone. I doubt we'll phone, but I'll try and write. All round though, it was a very sad experience. I couldn't think of anything to say. I certainly couldn't tell her about university.
Have a good day folks. Be gentle with yourselves. Be strong. Be sober. Be as happy as the day allows.
Love and Hugs to you all.
Do I sound like I'm building up a resentment? I hope not. And I hope I'm not.
How do I feel today? Well, my head seems to be back where it should be, I'm not crabby, irritable, depressed, and generally nasty to be around. Which is good. Physically, I'm tired and a little sore. Mentally... (sigh) I can already hear the siren call of "well, that wasn't so bad."
No, it wasn't. But that's not the point. Chemists know how long 32 tablets should last somebody, so I'd need a good mental list of which ones I can't go to just yet. Plus they do talk to each other occasionally, so lets say I did find 20-30... And not being able to eat for 5 hours before hand. Unmanageable. Totally unmanageable.
And yet... on Friday afternoon, when I knew I had to travel, I was considering not coming back. Actually I'd decided not to come back. Or rather, the AV had.
But I did. And here I am.
((SoberJaneDoe)) - you haven't let anybody down. And sometimes, as Jeni said, our slips happen for a reason. I know that, since my last one, I've not wanted to drink. Except on maybe two or three occasions. And then I just fast forwarded the tape.
Jeni - good luck with your interview. Your friend sounds a little needy. Hope that isn't harsh. It's not as if you won't ever talk again, is it?
FP - hope you've had a good night's rest.
As for me. I went to see mum at the home yesterday. She seems to have settled in well, which is nice. She's had her hair cut, and yes, it does suit her. Oh, and she's had new glasses too. But seeing so many people asleep in their chairs...
I was nearly in tears when I said hello. We went and sat outside for a little while, and had a conversation which consisted mostly of her asking when I had to leave - not that she wanted to be rid of me, I think she just wanted to know - and me telling her. She told me we could write to each other, and phone. I doubt we'll phone, but I'll try and write. All round though, it was a very sad experience. I couldn't think of anything to say. I certainly couldn't tell her about university.
Have a good day folks. Be gentle with yourselves. Be strong. Be sober. Be as happy as the day allows.
Love and Hugs to you all.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Jeni - Dee and Deserto gave you excellent advice. I read a quote sometime back regarding guilt and it has alway resonated with me. It basically asks "Did you intentionally set out to hurt someone?" Of course you didn't. You are merely trying to make you and your family's life better. Try and keep that in mind and absolve yourself of any guilt you may be feeling.
SoberJaneDoe - God knows I have been where you have been. God bless you for posting about it. That takes great strength, courage and a deep desire to change. I too know that I simply cannot achieve sobriety on my own. It is impossibe. I agree with Dee that we should avail ourselves to any support and tools that we can to help us achieve sobriety.
FP - Congratulations on 120 days
7
I got up this a.m. at 5:30 to find my husband drunk from drinking all night. It just served to remind me of the hell of drinking. I am so grateful that I do not feel that way today!
Wishing everyone a happy sober Sunday
SoberJaneDoe - God knows I have been where you have been. God bless you for posting about it. That takes great strength, courage and a deep desire to change. I too know that I simply cannot achieve sobriety on my own. It is impossibe. I agree with Dee that we should avail ourselves to any support and tools that we can to help us achieve sobriety.
FP - Congratulations on 120 days
7I got up this a.m. at 5:30 to find my husband drunk from drinking all night. It just served to remind me of the hell of drinking. I am so grateful that I do not feel that way today!
Wishing everyone a happy sober Sunday
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks Tanya. I've had an apology from her today, so hopefully we might have turned a corner....
I'm feeling better now I worked out where the emotion was coming from with me. Recognising and managing my feelings is definitely the hardest part of sobriety for me. I rarely think of a drink now, but it's the emotional growing up from a child to adult that's the tricky bit! I will get there.
Hearing about finding your H drunk downstairs in the morning was how my life used to be. Keep strong my friend xxx
I'm feeling better now I worked out where the emotion was coming from with me. Recognising and managing my feelings is definitely the hardest part of sobriety for me. I rarely think of a drink now, but it's the emotional growing up from a child to adult that's the tricky bit! I will get there.
Hearing about finding your H drunk downstairs in the morning was how my life used to be. Keep strong my friend xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 631
Hey guys!
Sorry I have not checked in lately. I have been swamped with work, which is a good thing...hard to believe in a week or so I will have a month. Very excited. Hope everyone is well. I'll try not to be such a stranger.
Lee
Sorry I have not checked in lately. I have been swamped with work, which is a good thing...hard to believe in a week or so I will have a month. Very excited. Hope everyone is well. I'll try not to be such a stranger.
Lee
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Jeni,
I appreciated your post on "recognizing and managing feelings". Knowing what to expect in sobriety is so helpful.
I am stll feeling under the weather. I believe it is the increase in the anti-depressant that my doctor ordered. He had me fill out a depression questionnaire, which is apparently a requirement now. I scored higher than last time, but apparantly not high enough. I tried to explain to him that I was naturally depressed because of my panic attacks, inability to drive and feeling like a burden. He just ordered the increase. It can cause insomnia, headache and wanting to sleep all the time. Those are the symtoms I am having and mimics a horrible hangover. I am on day 9 of the increase and hoping that the side effects will wear off so that I can somewhat function. This has really been a rough month for me. But, I AM SOBER!
I appreciated your post on "recognizing and managing feelings". Knowing what to expect in sobriety is so helpful.
I am stll feeling under the weather. I believe it is the increase in the anti-depressant that my doctor ordered. He had me fill out a depression questionnaire, which is apparently a requirement now. I scored higher than last time, but apparantly not high enough. I tried to explain to him that I was naturally depressed because of my panic attacks, inability to drive and feeling like a burden. He just ordered the increase. It can cause insomnia, headache and wanting to sleep all the time. Those are the symtoms I am having and mimics a horrible hangover. I am on day 9 of the increase and hoping that the side effects will wear off so that I can somewhat function. This has really been a rough month for me. But, I AM SOBER!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Tanja, great job staying sober through this tough month! I hope things start to stabilize for you soon.
Emily, in my post yesterday I mentioned you and Jane being at university... of course I know the tuition problems you've had and that you're not there now. Just wanted to clarify that!
Had a great day yesterday at the beach with Mrs. Deserta, then had dinner with a large group of friends (as well as the Mrs.) to celebrate a friend's art showing. Drank ginger beers. Today was a great, productive day around the house. Right now I'm just enjoying how healthy being sober feels... I feel like for the last year or so, as I approached 40, I kept wondering what the point of life was, what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, etc. I knew I wanted things to be different, and eventually it became clear that nothing would be different if I didn't stop drinking. I still don't know what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time I'm excited about it.
Also thinking about planning a trip to visit my friend in Provence in November, and maybe take a side trip to Spain. Anyone got any travel tips for Valencia or Granada?
Emily, in my post yesterday I mentioned you and Jane being at university... of course I know the tuition problems you've had and that you're not there now. Just wanted to clarify that!
Had a great day yesterday at the beach with Mrs. Deserta, then had dinner with a large group of friends (as well as the Mrs.) to celebrate a friend's art showing. Drank ginger beers. Today was a great, productive day around the house. Right now I'm just enjoying how healthy being sober feels... I feel like for the last year or so, as I approached 40, I kept wondering what the point of life was, what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, etc. I knew I wanted things to be different, and eventually it became clear that nothing would be different if I didn't stop drinking. I still don't know what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time I'm excited about it.
Also thinking about planning a trip to visit my friend in Provence in November, and maybe take a side trip to Spain. Anyone got any travel tips for Valencia or Granada?
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