Class of May 2012 part 11
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
Good Sunday evening, May mates! The official Day 120 for this newest member of the One-Third Herd. Four months…. check! 
Did lots of housework today and took some time to enjoy the gorgeous cooler breezes while working in the yard. Full work week ahead with payday at the end, which is much-needed after a full summer of only partial employment.
Healthy Dweller: Wonderful that you had a great time today with your Mrs. and friends at the beach! You sound so positive, lately, and it looks good on ya, poem mate. Good advice to SoberJane and Jeni. First milestone coming up for you tomorrow and I have a special elephant at the ready. Ok to celebrate with you even though you’re not counting days?
Tanja: Big hugs to you, girlfriend. I am sorry you’re still in pain. Have you considered consulting another doctor for a second opinion? I’ve shopped around for different doctors when I wasn’t satisfied with my progress and/or prognosis because I just knew that my current doctor wasn’t helping me enough or the right way. Well worth the research and time spent interviewing. Thank you for your congrats on my milestone. Love to you!
Teacher Jeni: “She's had 2 nervous breakdowns in the past, and I guess I'm petrified she will dip big time.” I’m sorry that your concern over your friend is causing you so much distress. If you will allow me to present a slightly tougher take and tack on this situation… You are not responsible for her welfare, and it’s unfair that you’re being put in this position by her actions. She is an adult, and as Emily mentioned, a needy one at that. Perhaps it’s time to start setting boundaries for your friend? Maybe ask her to ease off on the all-too-frequent contact? If she’s constantly calling you, texting you, crying and making you feel guilty about doing what’s best for you, and hanging for dear life onto you for emotional support, it does sound like an unhealthy/toxic type of relationship. You deserve to feel good about your job decision, and a good friend – a real friend - will support you and be happy for you. Some friendships run their course over a few years and end, but they may reignite or, as Dweller mentioned, deepen after time passes. I think that once you change jobs and are able to put distance between you two physically in the day-to-day sense, it will be easier to take a breather and enjoy your new life. Make sure to put your needs first, my sober sister. Big hugs of love and support to you on this. (Hope I didn’t come across too roughly on this topic.)
(((SoberJane))): Big hugs of love to you, sobermate! You know how we do it here: get back into the sober station wagon with us. We have your seat warm and waiting. “Today I'm ashamed, anxious and terribly hungover.” Yeah, nothing like a nasty hangover to short circuit the brain and help us remember all too painfully why we chose sobriety in the first place. Hoping you feel better soon.
Bionic Lee: Woo, hoo, May mate! I am so proud of you for staying on the sober path. Thank you for your check in.
Soleil: Hope your trip to NYC is going well. Thinking of you. Big hugs!
Dee: “…but it would be unhealthy I think to be more concerned about your friend more than your own future.” Thumbs up on your thoughts to Jeni.
Emily: Day 50 and Day 5! Awesome! You are doing so well in your double-quit even with all of the stressors around you. Big hugs to you on visiting your mom and being strong for the two of you. Sounds like she’s acclimating well to her new home. Hugs and love to you!
You-Rock: Hope you had a terrific time today on your day off with friends. Nice words of comfort to SoberJane, too.
Thursday: I am not giving up on you, classmate! Please send us a post or another PM when you can. Love to you!
Bedtime already at about 9:30pm here. Catch up with you tomorrow. Love and hugs to all, and most especially to those who are struggling.
Did lots of housework today and took some time to enjoy the gorgeous cooler breezes while working in the yard. Full work week ahead with payday at the end, which is much-needed after a full summer of only partial employment. Healthy Dweller: Wonderful that you had a great time today with your Mrs. and friends at the beach! You sound so positive, lately, and it looks good on ya, poem mate. Good advice to SoberJane and Jeni. First milestone coming up for you tomorrow and I have a special elephant at the ready. Ok to celebrate with you even though you’re not counting days?
Tanja: Big hugs to you, girlfriend. I am sorry you’re still in pain. Have you considered consulting another doctor for a second opinion? I’ve shopped around for different doctors when I wasn’t satisfied with my progress and/or prognosis because I just knew that my current doctor wasn’t helping me enough or the right way. Well worth the research and time spent interviewing. Thank you for your congrats on my milestone. Love to you!
Teacher Jeni: “She's had 2 nervous breakdowns in the past, and I guess I'm petrified she will dip big time.” I’m sorry that your concern over your friend is causing you so much distress. If you will allow me to present a slightly tougher take and tack on this situation… You are not responsible for her welfare, and it’s unfair that you’re being put in this position by her actions. She is an adult, and as Emily mentioned, a needy one at that. Perhaps it’s time to start setting boundaries for your friend? Maybe ask her to ease off on the all-too-frequent contact? If she’s constantly calling you, texting you, crying and making you feel guilty about doing what’s best for you, and hanging for dear life onto you for emotional support, it does sound like an unhealthy/toxic type of relationship. You deserve to feel good about your job decision, and a good friend – a real friend - will support you and be happy for you. Some friendships run their course over a few years and end, but they may reignite or, as Dweller mentioned, deepen after time passes. I think that once you change jobs and are able to put distance between you two physically in the day-to-day sense, it will be easier to take a breather and enjoy your new life. Make sure to put your needs first, my sober sister. Big hugs of love and support to you on this. (Hope I didn’t come across too roughly on this topic.)
(((SoberJane))): Big hugs of love to you, sobermate! You know how we do it here: get back into the sober station wagon with us. We have your seat warm and waiting. “Today I'm ashamed, anxious and terribly hungover.” Yeah, nothing like a nasty hangover to short circuit the brain and help us remember all too painfully why we chose sobriety in the first place. Hoping you feel better soon.
Bionic Lee: Woo, hoo, May mate! I am so proud of you for staying on the sober path. Thank you for your check in.
Soleil: Hope your trip to NYC is going well. Thinking of you. Big hugs!
Dee: “…but it would be unhealthy I think to be more concerned about your friend more than your own future.” Thumbs up on your thoughts to Jeni.
Emily: Day 50 and Day 5! Awesome! You are doing so well in your double-quit even with all of the stressors around you. Big hugs to you on visiting your mom and being strong for the two of you. Sounds like she’s acclimating well to her new home. Hugs and love to you!
You-Rock: Hope you had a terrific time today on your day off with friends. Nice words of comfort to SoberJane, too.
Thursday: I am not giving up on you, classmate! Please send us a post or another PM when you can. Love to you!
Bedtime already at about 9:30pm here. Catch up with you tomorrow. Love and hugs to all, and most especially to those who are struggling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
FP and Dee - thanks for the good advice. I felt a lot better today. I find the best thing sometimes is a little time and a lot of perspective. I talked to a lady recently and after a short conversation, I could tell she held a lot of shame and fear, and this is someone who lives a much more held together life than me. We all struggle, for sure.
Jeni - I used to have an unhealthy relationship with work and expectations. Seriously though, it's just not healthy to have that kind of dependence on your employees. Just be thankful for this great new opportunity, and tell her that you will be there for her as much as you can. But you deserve to life your live well, and she needs to live life on her own, working through life's challenges. It's very unfair to expect you to play that role, or a role in her ups and downs. She deserves her own strength, not yours.
SJD - no worries, lady! We've all played that "I'm ai-ight" game with ourselves many times. What really helped from me was telling myself over and over that there is nothing THAT great about alcohol that we can't live well without it. I've accepted that at some point, my brain rewired to accommodate too much booze, and now I've got new wiring that can't handle it. I think its ok if it takes a while to accept, and practice makes perfect.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Jeni - I used to have an unhealthy relationship with work and expectations. Seriously though, it's just not healthy to have that kind of dependence on your employees. Just be thankful for this great new opportunity, and tell her that you will be there for her as much as you can. But you deserve to life your live well, and she needs to live life on her own, working through life's challenges. It's very unfair to expect you to play that role, or a role in her ups and downs. She deserves her own strength, not yours.
SJD - no worries, lady! We've all played that "I'm ai-ight" game with ourselves many times. What really helped from me was telling myself over and over that there is nothing THAT great about alcohol that we can't live well without it. I've accepted that at some point, my brain rewired to accommodate too much booze, and now I've got new wiring that can't handle it. I think its ok if it takes a while to accept, and practice makes perfect.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Honolulu, HI
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Leemzer 
Hey guys!
Sorry I have not checked in lately. I have been swamped with work, which is a good thing...hard to believe in a week or so I will have a month. Very excited. Hope everyone is well. I'll try not to be such a stranger.
Lee
Sorry I have not checked in lately. I have been swamped with work, which is a good thing...hard to believe in a week or so I will have a month. Very excited. Hope everyone is well. I'll try not to be such a stranger.
Lee
SJD: Thank you for sharing your slip. That took courage to admit, and you came to the right place. I hope you are doing better. Every day is a new Day One anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Tanja: "JR" is definitely in my prayers. so are you, for good measure. :-)
Jeni: hope that good call from your co-worker friend was the new trend. you do not deserve to be treated poorly for wanting to change your life. desserto said it best...
FP: CONGRATULATIONS ON 120!!!! Awesome! sending happy healthy pachyderm thoughts your way. just think how much happier your body must feel after 4 months of no more booze. a mentor of mine used to always say "pouring dangerous chemicals down your throat," in place of "drinking." sure makes one think a little differently! sending healing thoughts your way for the surgery, your body is better prepped for it than it would have if pickled.
auden: looks like you and i are one day apart on the sober date. we are like sober twins!
hope everyone is having a good night. went kayaking today (sounding like a broken record on that one, but it's a happy record). it was a little cool, but it's not cooling enough to think about putting the boat in the garage. i knew getting a kayak of my own would be nice, no more borrowing and renting, etc. but it's become a lifeline. been driving around with it on my car most of the summer. when there's a free day or even couple of hours, i'm in. life is so calm on the water, even when the water isn't calm...
take care, may-mates!
Jeni: hope that good call from your co-worker friend was the new trend. you do not deserve to be treated poorly for wanting to change your life. desserto said it best...
FP: CONGRATULATIONS ON 120!!!! Awesome! sending happy healthy pachyderm thoughts your way. just think how much happier your body must feel after 4 months of no more booze. a mentor of mine used to always say "pouring dangerous chemicals down your throat," in place of "drinking." sure makes one think a little differently! sending healing thoughts your way for the surgery, your body is better prepped for it than it would have if pickled.
auden: looks like you and i are one day apart on the sober date. we are like sober twins!
hope everyone is having a good night. went kayaking today (sounding like a broken record on that one, but it's a happy record). it was a little cool, but it's not cooling enough to think about putting the boat in the garage. i knew getting a kayak of my own would be nice, no more borrowing and renting, etc. but it's become a lifeline. been driving around with it on my car most of the summer. when there's a free day or even couple of hours, i'm in. life is so calm on the water, even when the water isn't calm...
take care, may-mates!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
jane, just saw your post. missed it before, sorry!
hey girl, hope your hangover has abated. relapse sucks. but you coming right back in here and wanting to sober back up is amazing! i would be on my third year sober instead of day 100 and something if i had gotten it right on the first, second, or even 10th try. all i can do is make this one the best try. do things a little differently somehow.
there's a saying i've seen attributed to einstein: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results.
good luck, welcome back and we can all get through this!
hey girl, hope your hangover has abated. relapse sucks. but you coming right back in here and wanting to sober back up is amazing! i would be on my third year sober instead of day 100 and something if i had gotten it right on the first, second, or even 10th try. all i can do is make this one the best try. do things a little differently somehow.
there's a saying i've seen attributed to einstein: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results.
good luck, welcome back and we can all get through this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Monday morning and I'm really not looking forward to work today. I know I will be fine once the day starts and the kids get in. I've got a very complex class this year, some real challenges, which I love. There will be no time to dwell on other issues of guilt and betrayal.
A toxic relationship? I hadn't thought of it in those terms. Her husband told me once that she wouldnt survive a day without me, and I guess that comment has stayed with me. It was just stated as fact, not in a way to elicit any sort of emotion from me. I guess that is sort of toxic, it certainly puts me under a great deal of unreasonable pressure. I'm having to distance myself emotionally. Hard to do at work.
Anyway, I will be ok. Interesting to note that it isn't leading to me wanting a drink, so that's progress I guess!
Guilt is a terrible burden to carry.
Loads of love to you all xxx
A toxic relationship? I hadn't thought of it in those terms. Her husband told me once that she wouldnt survive a day without me, and I guess that comment has stayed with me. It was just stated as fact, not in a way to elicit any sort of emotion from me. I guess that is sort of toxic, it certainly puts me under a great deal of unreasonable pressure. I'm having to distance myself emotionally. Hard to do at work.
Anyway, I will be ok. Interesting to note that it isn't leading to me wanting a drink, so that's progress I guess!
Guilt is a terrible burden to carry.
Loads of love to you all xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Aussie
Posts: 382
I'm not going to the meeting tonight. I have alot of excuses but the main reason is the meeting is at 7pm at night and the closest bus stop is a 1km walk away. The only day time meeting in my area is tomorrow when I'm in class so I think I need to figure out another option.
Today I went to the pool and did laps for the first time in 13yrs. I completely cleaned and organised my room and I wasted time on the internet. I really should be studying, I have an exam in 3 days but I can't bring myself to open my books.
This anxiety is terrible today. Nothing distracts me long enough to keep it away.At least the hangover is gone.
FP Thankfully the hangover is gone now!
auden67 I think I should get it tattooed on me so I don't forget it!
TedPlante Thanks that was hard to do. I thought about just not coming back then I sucked it up and came online.
wehav2day It helps to know others are going through the exact same thing.
Today I went to the pool and did laps for the first time in 13yrs. I completely cleaned and organised my room and I wasted time on the internet. I really should be studying, I have an exam in 3 days but I can't bring myself to open my books.
This anxiety is terrible today. Nothing distracts me long enough to keep it away.At least the hangover is gone.
FP Thankfully the hangover is gone now!
auden67 I think I should get it tattooed on me so I don't forget it!
TedPlante Thanks
that was hard to do. I thought about just not coming back then I sucked it up and came online.wehav2day It helps to know others are going through the exact same thing.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm glad you're feeling better Jane.
I hope you feel more focused tomorrow - good luck with your exam.
I'm sorry you don't have AA meetings on campus.
I think you do need to work out a plan tho, AA or not...Uni life is full of pitfalls.
D
I hope you feel more focused tomorrow - good luck with your exam.
I'm sorry you don't have AA meetings on campus.
I think you do need to work out a plan tho, AA or not...Uni life is full of pitfalls.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Day 51, and day 6. And, typically the day I decide that I really should have been wearing shorts, the weather remembers that it's nearly Autumn...
The insomnia has started. And for some reason, the unstoppable runs have come back. I think that forcing myself to keep going last week may have been a mistake, and one that could be coming back to bite me. I'll soon be through the worst of it though.
One thing that I've learnt I was wrong about... or maybe I wasn't. I thought that codeine didn't mess my head up as much as alcohol. And, in truth, until I decided to quit, it didn't. Or perhaps I should say it hadn't done... yet.
Tanja - one thing I decided a few years ago. I was (no, nay) never (no, nay, never no more) going back on ADs. I don't care whether the reason they didn't work was down to alcohol (or possibly codeine). There were times when I stayed off the drink, and wasn't taking any pain medication. Still didn't work. The fact that I was on them for eight years and all they did was make me fat while killing my appetite. And yes, they made me tired. So tired that I'd go to bed a lot in the afternoons. So yes, if you don't feel better, go back to your doctor. And in all honesty, if you don't think they're helping, if you don't want to increase them it should be up to you.
Deserto - don't worry about it. I was about to ask if you were a fan of The Smiths, since I just got 'Strangeways here we come' last week and thought I recognised the cover from somewhere...
Glad that life is finally starting to make sense, May mate.
FP - congrats on 120 days. That's pretty damn good.
TedPlante - as someone once said, it's progress (that counts) not perfection. And we are all making progress... As are you.
auden, Leemzer - glad to hear from you.
wehav2day - kayaking sounds fun. It's always good to have a way to unwind.
Jeni - good luck. I hope today goes well. And yes, guilt is a terrible burden. Even more so when it's undeserved. You shouldn't be feeling guilty at the moment.
SoberJaneDoe - that's a long walk to a bus stop. And you will find another option, I know this. Stay strong.
As for me, I have two meetings today, which will get me out of the house, and keep my mind occupied. I've accepted that I'm not going to university. Who knows, maybe I should try and get somewhere with my writing?
Have a good day folks. And remember that you deserve to be sober, deserve to be happy, and deserve to be well. Be good to yourselves.
Love and Hugs to you all.
The insomnia has started. And for some reason, the unstoppable runs have come back. I think that forcing myself to keep going last week may have been a mistake, and one that could be coming back to bite me. I'll soon be through the worst of it though.
One thing that I've learnt I was wrong about... or maybe I wasn't. I thought that codeine didn't mess my head up as much as alcohol. And, in truth, until I decided to quit, it didn't. Or perhaps I should say it hadn't done... yet.
Tanja - one thing I decided a few years ago. I was (no, nay) never (no, nay, never no more) going back on ADs. I don't care whether the reason they didn't work was down to alcohol (or possibly codeine). There were times when I stayed off the drink, and wasn't taking any pain medication. Still didn't work. The fact that I was on them for eight years and all they did was make me fat while killing my appetite. And yes, they made me tired. So tired that I'd go to bed a lot in the afternoons. So yes, if you don't feel better, go back to your doctor. And in all honesty, if you don't think they're helping, if you don't want to increase them it should be up to you.
Deserto - don't worry about it. I was about to ask if you were a fan of The Smiths, since I just got 'Strangeways here we come' last week and thought I recognised the cover from somewhere...
Glad that life is finally starting to make sense, May mate.
FP - congrats on 120 days. That's pretty damn good.
TedPlante - as someone once said, it's progress (that counts) not perfection. And we are all making progress... As are you.
auden, Leemzer - glad to hear from you.
wehav2day - kayaking sounds fun. It's always good to have a way to unwind.
Jeni - good luck. I hope today goes well. And yes, guilt is a terrible burden. Even more so when it's undeserved. You shouldn't be feeling guilty at the moment.
SoberJaneDoe - that's a long walk to a bus stop. And you will find another option, I know this. Stay strong.
As for me, I have two meetings today, which will get me out of the house, and keep my mind occupied. I've accepted that I'm not going to university. Who knows, maybe I should try and get somewhere with my writing?
Have a good day folks. And remember that you deserve to be sober, deserve to be happy, and deserve to be well. Be good to yourselves.
Love and Hugs to you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Good Morning All,
I am feeling better today. I had a dream last night that I was actually considering drinking. Very scary! But, I tell myself "It was just a dream". The symptoms that I was having (severe headache, sleepiness and generally unwell) I believe just boiled down to insomnia. I checked out the anti-depressant bottle this a.m. and realized I was taking the same dosage as before. At this point, I am simply not going to increase the dosage. I had never wanted to take this medication. My psychiatrist prescribed it because the other medication was not working for my panic attacks. Even then I did not take it for a long while because one of the side effects was insomnia. I finally broke down and took it out of sheer desperation of wanting to be able to function. I thought for a while there that it did help. Insomnia has been my nemesis in achieving sobriety. A bit ridiculous and I think of the analogy of having a burnt hand and sticking it on the stove for relief!
I have been conversing with a lady from AA every day and she just so inspires me. She has offered to take me to a meeting she chairs tonight. So, I am looking so forward to going.
FP and Wehav2day - Thank you so much for your prayers on JR. I have to believe that he is out of pain and in a better place. He really gave it a good fight and I know I will never forget him.
SoberJaneDoe - Thank God you came back I have failed over and over again. It is very humbling to admit to a relapse. Having a support network is essential in recovery. "Doing things differently" is my new mantra.
Emily - Congratulations on 51 and days
I hope you feel better soon. God bless you for going to two meetings a day. Thank you so much for the good advice. I don't have much respect for either my general practitioner or psychiatrist. I am part of a HMO and when I went there for my impacted stool problem - they were of no help. I had to go outside of them to the emergency room in a desperate bid for help.
Wishing everyone a happy, ober Monday!
I am feeling better today. I had a dream last night that I was actually considering drinking. Very scary! But, I tell myself "It was just a dream". The symptoms that I was having (severe headache, sleepiness and generally unwell) I believe just boiled down to insomnia. I checked out the anti-depressant bottle this a.m. and realized I was taking the same dosage as before. At this point, I am simply not going to increase the dosage. I had never wanted to take this medication. My psychiatrist prescribed it because the other medication was not working for my panic attacks. Even then I did not take it for a long while because one of the side effects was insomnia. I finally broke down and took it out of sheer desperation of wanting to be able to function. I thought for a while there that it did help. Insomnia has been my nemesis in achieving sobriety. A bit ridiculous and I think of the analogy of having a burnt hand and sticking it on the stove for relief!
I have been conversing with a lady from AA every day and she just so inspires me. She has offered to take me to a meeting she chairs tonight. So, I am looking so forward to going.
FP and Wehav2day - Thank you so much for your prayers on JR. I have to believe that he is out of pain and in a better place. He really gave it a good fight and I know I will never forget him.
SoberJaneDoe - Thank God you came back
I have failed over and over again. It is very humbling to admit to a relapse. Having a support network is essential in recovery. "Doing things differently" is my new mantra.Emily - Congratulations on 51 and days
I hope you feel better soon. God bless you for going to two meetings a day. Thank you so much for the good advice. I don't have much respect for either my general practitioner or psychiatrist. I am part of a HMO and when I went there for my impacted stool problem - they were of no help. I had to go outside of them to the emergency room in a desperate bid for help. Wishing everyone a happy, ober Monday!
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 30 DAYS MILESTONE, DWELLER!!!
Mammoth is happy to be sharing the sober journey with Top Dawg.
dog-and-elephant.jpg
Mammoth is happy to be sharing the sober journey with Top Dawg.
dog-and-elephant.jpg
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Tanja-so pleased you're connecting with that lady from AA, having support can make all the difference xx
Jane-sorry about the anxiety, that is horrible I know. If you're still keen on getting to a meeting, why not phone the AA hotline and see if someone could pick you up? At least you will have the opportunity to speak to someone. I'm thinking of you xx
Jane-sorry about the anxiety, that is horrible I know. If you're still keen on getting to a meeting, why not phone the AA hotline and see if someone could pick you up? At least you will have the opportunity to speak to someone. I'm thinking of you xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Deserto - Congratulations on 30 days
I am so happy for you. You sound like you are doing so much better.
The sponsor thing has really been bothering me. I bit the bullet and called her this a.m. I left a message on her phone. I asked how she was doing, told her I hadn't heard back from her, explained that I was really ill, but close to two months sober. I also told her that I was getting a ride to a meeting today. If I do hear from her - I need to explain that I appreciate all the help she gave me, but I need more support than she is able to give right now. Is this diplomatic enough?
I am so happy for you. You sound like you are doing so much better. The sponsor thing has really been bothering me. I bit the bullet and called her this a.m. I left a message on her phone. I asked how she was doing, told her I hadn't heard back from her, explained that I was really ill, but close to two months sober. I also told her that I was getting a ride to a meeting today. If I do hear from her - I need to explain that I appreciate all the help she gave me, but I need more support than she is able to give right now. Is this diplomatic enough?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Congrats FP and Deserto on your milestones!
I can't even count myself anymore, I had to use the calculator on the website and it says I'm at 112 days.
I am pretty confident in the not-drinking department. I am lacking in the carefree, go with the flow, loving life department.
It's a multi-fold, onion-peeling-but-then-re-growing-so-therefore-re-peeling, complicated mess. I remember feeling like this before I started drinking, when I was a teenager. Nervous about getting older, nervous about dying, so wanting to enjoy every moment, take advantage of every second, but not always knowing what to do, or little things going wrong or not smoothly, and getting upset, then guilty about wasting this precious time being upset, then being upset that I'm wasting this precious time being guilty about that. The thoughts and anxiety turn into an energizer bunny gone haywire- like spinning in circles crazily until just shutting down and I end up laying on the couch for hours <insert what looks like depression>. But it all started out with wanting to live life to the fullest. So I fail. Which doesn't feel good. I remember feeling like this when I was older than teenaged too, but not as heavy, because I believe this is part of why I drank. A break from these worries and thoughts. I could say it came from when a friend died in junior high, but I remember being like 4 years old hysterical crying to my brother about being scared to die. I remember having horrible separation anxiety from my mom who worked nights because I think deep down I was afraid she would die and that would be the last time I saw her. I still have anxiety about losing those closest to me. My grandmother had serious anxiety and depression. She was hospitalized many times. Many sides of my family had alcoholism. I feel like I am a perfect storm of all the worst things that could have been passed down to me. I've been to counseling, I've been on antidepressants, I've been on anti-anxiety medication. It took forever to come off the medications and I absolutely don't want to be on them when we start having children. So I feel like I'm out of options. I didn't even realize how upset I was until I started typing this all out. All the worry and irritability has left me too exhausted to even fight it. I am out of hope for now. But I am going to go to for a walk. Right? Ok, doing it.
I can't even count myself anymore, I had to use the calculator on the website and it says I'm at 112 days.
I am pretty confident in the not-drinking department. I am lacking in the carefree, go with the flow, loving life department.
It's a multi-fold, onion-peeling-but-then-re-growing-so-therefore-re-peeling, complicated mess. I remember feeling like this before I started drinking, when I was a teenager. Nervous about getting older, nervous about dying, so wanting to enjoy every moment, take advantage of every second, but not always knowing what to do, or little things going wrong or not smoothly, and getting upset, then guilty about wasting this precious time being upset, then being upset that I'm wasting this precious time being guilty about that. The thoughts and anxiety turn into an energizer bunny gone haywire- like spinning in circles crazily until just shutting down and I end up laying on the couch for hours <insert what looks like depression>. But it all started out with wanting to live life to the fullest. So I fail. Which doesn't feel good. I remember feeling like this when I was older than teenaged too, but not as heavy, because I believe this is part of why I drank. A break from these worries and thoughts. I could say it came from when a friend died in junior high, but I remember being like 4 years old hysterical crying to my brother about being scared to die. I remember having horrible separation anxiety from my mom who worked nights because I think deep down I was afraid she would die and that would be the last time I saw her. I still have anxiety about losing those closest to me. My grandmother had serious anxiety and depression. She was hospitalized many times. Many sides of my family had alcoholism. I feel like I am a perfect storm of all the worst things that could have been passed down to me. I've been to counseling, I've been on antidepressants, I've been on anti-anxiety medication. It took forever to come off the medications and I absolutely don't want to be on them when we start having children. So I feel like I'm out of options. I didn't even realize how upset I was until I started typing this all out. All the worry and irritability has left me too exhausted to even fight it. I am out of hope for now. But I am going to go to for a walk. Right? Ok, doing it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
One Less - I can very much relate. The drinking urge has diminished greatly, but my brain turns and turns this "How do I live now?" idea. I too have mourned lost time, and in the past suffered from a lot of anxiety, and sometimes still do. For me, it has really helped to think about things that I used to drink under the rug and out of mind. In the last three months, I have really spent a lot of time thinking about big questions, and coming to terms with some things. Here's a short list of questions that helped me.
1. What is important to me? What sort of things do I really value? Now that my head is clear, I can remember what things used to move me as a child, and seek them out like family, music, books, nature, learning and service.
2. If I'm not living up to those values, or haven't in the past, how can I improve? (This was very important to me, because I wasn't always the best friend or family member. I've made a conscious effort to improve, even if it isn't reciprocated right away. For example, I try to send messages to friends and keep in better touch and interested in their lives. I don't expect them to be more interested in mine. I'm just living out the value of being a better friend, and that's what I focus on. I have faith in the long run it is returned.)
3. I can't change the past, and the "past" as I know and feel it exists only in my head. Take the good things from my past, and grow them. Leave the waste behind.
4. I'm aging, and so are my parents, family and friends. This is very natural, and I cannot stop it. All of us will die, so at least we are in great company! We're all in the club! I can only appreciate life for what it is, at every moment, and savor the good moments to help carry me through the bad. I think of this: The waters of the Colorado River eroded the land in Arizona into a grand, vast canyon, the Grand Canyon. There is so much beauty in what was and has become, and the waters that have come past for millions of years feed the ocean beds and coral reefs. I am less like the Grand Canyon, and more like the waters of the Colorado River. I will live and die, but it is my impact on the world that stays behind.
4. The partner to anxiety is control. There are many things in the world I cannot control, but there is much that I can. I build things into my life that create a sense of balance and control: lists at work, schedules for busy days, good nutrition to keep my body feeling good, plenty of sleep, routines for meals, morning, and nighttime, lots of affection, and thinking through obsessive thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help this. For example, and a silly one at that, I used to obsess about saying no to a social invitation. I would go back and forth, back and forth. Now I think it through, starting with "Will anyone die if I don't go? No." Then, "Am I authentically excited about this, or dreading it?" and "Can I plan to see these people in a different setting that would be better?" and remembering that no one thinks about me as much as I think about me! And then, move forward. Ruminating over something is SO bad for anxiety.
5. Above all, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself often. Set reasonable goals. Know that you will survive and thrive through the most trying times, and hold your head high. If it helps, I think about God in all of us a lot. God knows no time, no death, and lives in us and everything always and forever. God is love. That thought comforts me.
Hope this helps! I certainly understand the role of anxiety in drinking, and hope the very best for you!
1. What is important to me? What sort of things do I really value? Now that my head is clear, I can remember what things used to move me as a child, and seek them out like family, music, books, nature, learning and service.
2. If I'm not living up to those values, or haven't in the past, how can I improve? (This was very important to me, because I wasn't always the best friend or family member. I've made a conscious effort to improve, even if it isn't reciprocated right away. For example, I try to send messages to friends and keep in better touch and interested in their lives. I don't expect them to be more interested in mine. I'm just living out the value of being a better friend, and that's what I focus on. I have faith in the long run it is returned.)
3. I can't change the past, and the "past" as I know and feel it exists only in my head. Take the good things from my past, and grow them. Leave the waste behind.
4. I'm aging, and so are my parents, family and friends. This is very natural, and I cannot stop it. All of us will die, so at least we are in great company! We're all in the club! I can only appreciate life for what it is, at every moment, and savor the good moments to help carry me through the bad. I think of this: The waters of the Colorado River eroded the land in Arizona into a grand, vast canyon, the Grand Canyon. There is so much beauty in what was and has become, and the waters that have come past for millions of years feed the ocean beds and coral reefs. I am less like the Grand Canyon, and more like the waters of the Colorado River. I will live and die, but it is my impact on the world that stays behind.
4. The partner to anxiety is control. There are many things in the world I cannot control, but there is much that I can. I build things into my life that create a sense of balance and control: lists at work, schedules for busy days, good nutrition to keep my body feeling good, plenty of sleep, routines for meals, morning, and nighttime, lots of affection, and thinking through obsessive thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help this. For example, and a silly one at that, I used to obsess about saying no to a social invitation. I would go back and forth, back and forth. Now I think it through, starting with "Will anyone die if I don't go? No." Then, "Am I authentically excited about this, or dreading it?" and "Can I plan to see these people in a different setting that would be better?" and remembering that no one thinks about me as much as I think about me!
And then, move forward. Ruminating over something is SO bad for anxiety.5. Above all, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself often. Set reasonable goals. Know that you will survive and thrive through the most trying times, and hold your head high. If it helps, I think about God in all of us a lot. God knows no time, no death, and lives in us and everything always and forever. God is love. That thought comforts me.
Hope this helps! I certainly understand the role of anxiety in drinking, and hope the very best for you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Thank you Auden for that very thoughtful response. All of what you said makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the insight. I circle the drain "ruminating" often. Your final point about God kind of hit me. I don't what my beliefs are on God and afterlife and purpose. I don't know where to start. I've mentioned this before that I think I have an issue with authority, so many religious groups have me spooked. I don't want to feel like I'm being fed what to do and believe. I'm sure they're not all like that. I'm sure I could get some books on different religions and try to decide for myself. We'll see. But thanks again. I did go for that walk and cleaned the house a bit so I'm feeling a bit better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Hello Mayans,
Sorry for the quick post, just want to say hello and let you know I am thinking of you all. To those having a rough time, I wish you strength and wellness.
AFM, Another night shift tonight. Had a nice day on the boat yesterday. Problem everybody was drinking...a lot. I want to go over everything yesterday and my thinking... I did not drink, nor did I eat anything soaked in alcohol. When I have more time tomorrow I will catch up with everyone.
Take care today.
Sorry for the quick post, just want to say hello and let you know I am thinking of you all. To those having a rough time, I wish you strength and wellness.
AFM, Another night shift tonight. Had a nice day on the boat yesterday. Problem everybody was drinking...a lot. I want to go over everything yesterday and my thinking... I did not drink, nor did I eat anything soaked in alcohol. When I have more time tomorrow I will catch up with everyone.
Take care today.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
