InsertNameHere

Finished my fifth night of not drinking last night and I am starting to sleep better and actually dream a little. I did wake up a couple of times once with noticing that I had been sweating a lot but no biggie. I never had good sleep even before I drank on a daily basis so I am starting to develop a plan to get into better sleep habits. In bed by ten and wake up every day (I will try the weekends too) at six, the last year I was working constantly rotating shift work which made that impossible but I am not now so we will see. Like a lot of people here I find myself eating more than I used to I guess you actually get hungry at night when your stomach isn’t full of beer go figure. I will have to watch my weight just to make sure that I am not gaining I usually don’t but it has snuck up on me before.

Congratulations to everyone else that made it through Christmas.

INH

samwitch

INH: I too had horrible sleep problems even before I starting drinking too much. Originally, the booze was to help me sleep. Obviously, that backfired.

BoozeFree: that feeling of having the "I was drunk, so it's not my fault" is very familar. Good for you for recognizing it as a sham!

stigblack: thanks for the invite for the NYE chat room, that sounds like a great plan!

Art and Sober4my boys: hi!

Ellen, Lookingforward and Dee: thank you for your kind words, I am working on letting things develop and not do anything hasty. Obviously, my drinking has had a huge negative effect on my marriage. I used alcohol to not dealing with the problems, so now I have to deal with the problems that I've let go for the last umpteen years. But, now I'm sober, so I'm better able to deal with them clearly.

Thanks everyone, and have a good day!

kopfan

That's the thing right there is taking it day by day.

In the past I used to get overwhelmed by thoughts of never drinking again but this time around I am simply taking it day by day and that seems easier on the mind.

I don't have any drinking thoughts like before because I don't want to drink anymore. They may come in the future but that's not today and so why worry about it.

I'm in a much happier place right now and long may it continue :-)

Peace and sobriety to all.

Tony

SoCalDude

Happy Happy 13th day... Keep up the good work December 2011 crew!

sober4myboys

Day 2... And guess what, I'm not going to drink today! I'm excited and not anxious. Just have to remember, today is all I have to deal with and I will deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

samwitch

Tony--what a great way to look at things. What you said is so true and so important.
I'm going to incorporate it into my daily mediatations, thank you.

Drala

Hi! I was wondering where everybody went, and here we are. Glad I found you guys again!
Anyway, I feel strong and good about not drinking. Not even tempted. My father-in-law died Christmas eve, wake today and funeral tomorrow, but it is making me appreciate my life instead of hiding from it behind booze.

I'm so happy to hear how well most are doing. Those who are struggling but still posting - there's some wisdom there trying to be heard.

StigB - I am so jealous; I had to put my bike away for the winter. Can't wait for April!

Stuart12

Charon

Thanks for the friendly advice, I know you are right. I have been trying to make sure that when those circumstances arise I will be on very thin ice if I choose to a a drink. I don't particularly want to but as someone who has been very weak willed in the past I know how difficult it can sometimes be to suppress that seed of an idea once it gets hold of my imagination.

I will take your advice however, If my wife is not home I will go for a walk around the marine lake we have on the coast here. It is only about three minutes walk away and takes 40 minutes to walk around. In December/January that is usually long enough to sober anybody up....

Removing the temptation is going to be key during the next few months I think.

Thats what I like about SR, it and its wonderful members do try to gently corrale those who might be tempted to wonder off

Thanks for the encouragement.

sincerely

Stuart

Ellen36

Yeah, Stig--I didn't need another reminder of why I hate living in the midwest. Just kidding. So strange to read of someone having great weather and riding a motorcycle. I look outside and see gray and gloom. I walk outside and the wind hits me and I have to keep my mind on something else just to try to forget how cold I am. I have lived here all my life and sometimes wonder why I didn't become an alcoholic sooner. Ok, that sounds bad.

I have been on this site several times a day lately. Reading alky books, watching alky movies, blah blah blah. I have tried to soak my mind in it. Yet I have been drinking. I used to drink wine, then threw out my corkscrews. So my solution was to buy vodka instead. ha. Then it turned into whiskey. Turns out I can drink a lot of whiskey and not really feel hungover. Scary.

Got up this morning and poured a nearly full whiskey bottle down the drain. I'm so sick of alcohol. I want to be sober. I have done the Day 1 thing enough. Enough is enough. I really really hope I have found my enough. It feels like it today. I'll keep plugging along reading my alky books, plan plan plan. Ugh. One day at a time, right?

Ellen36

And NewWay...what happened to you? Even if you are drinking and struggling please post anyway. It might help.

Stuart12

Ellen36

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who just got to the stage of feeling discussed and fed up with how things were. I know I was one of them. I used to wake up and fell S**T, stubbled to clean my teeth without my stomach turning, I think it was the taste of toothpaste that set things off, Then I used to get the nervous jitters. sometimes only slight so that only I was aware of them. Breakfast would be a stubble, mistimes I ended up opting for a glass of milk and that was it.

I must have ruined so many weekends for my wife because 'my stomach was off' or I was feeling a bit under par. Eventually, as week or so ago I decided this had to stop. I did not want to carry on like this.

Today is Day 10 and I admit the last two days have been a bit more difficult. I think the initial dextox was not as bad as I thought it was going to be but now I am facing the realisation that I really am supposed not to be drinking. And that means NOT drinking. I know that a glass of wine will simply lead to another and very shortly I will be back to hiding stuff in the house whilst pretending I am the paragon of virtue.

I do not want to go back there. Sleep is the biggest bonus so far for me. My insomnia seems to have lifted and I am largely sleeping through the night and actually having dreams!! This alone should be enough to keep me on track.

Anyway as everyone says; one day at a time. It is so true. Time for another cup of lemon and ginger tea. My good wife has just come home from work so this should ensure a clear head for the rest of the evening. She is off now until next week so this should help me to add another four or five days to my bid towards total sobriety!!

Thanks

Stuart

Ellen36

Thanks, Stuart. I love the part you wrote about one glass of wine and then you are hiding stuff and acting like you are the "paragon of virtue." Brilliant! And so sadly true. I want to stop hiding, don't want a reason to hide anymore. I want a clear conscience. To remember what I've said and done with clarity....not some hazy recollection.

Glad for you and your 10 days. Nice, too, that you will have a "babysitter" for the next few. It is easier for me to stay sober when my husband is around, too.

Stay strong!

Drala

Hi Ellen36. Have you looked at AVRT? There's a thread on SR, or you can just google it. I had a lot of day ones too, and what is proposed by AVRT is appealing to me. Thought I'd pass it along.

There's a lot to be said for a clear conscience. "The bliss of blamelessness." Buddha.

I wish you well on your path.

samwitch

Oh Ellen--hugs to you. I'm sorry you're struggling, but just keep going, day 1 leads to day 2, and then on and on. You threw out the poison, so you're on the right path again.

Ellen36

Drala--thanks for the suggestion. I got the book Rational Recovery, which I plan to start reading. I really don't know anything about AVRT, so I want to learn.

I am slowly but surely getting out of my denial about my drinking. I had this view that I could just......stop. With enough determination I could just stop and just not drink anymore. I didn't want to admit that:
1. This was going to require much more than pure determination.
2. I cannot handle alcohol in any way, shape, or form.
3. I am one of those people who is, in fact, an alcoholic.

These things seem so simple to grasp. I could mentally agree with it, but my heart and soul have just started to believe it.

I also didn't want to actually order books. Books that would be in my possession in my home. First, I went to the library. I can quick read about it, then stop drinking, take the book back, and the whole nightmare would be in the past. It's like it wouldn't be real. I realized I need to own these books so I could refer to them, re-read them. Now I own books and movies about alcoholism. Sobriety needs to be in my mind every day, even every minute if necessary.

Thanks for the hug, Sam. One post I read on another thread said that sometimes we need a hug and sometimes we need a kick in the pants. Is it possible to need both??? :-)

Drala

I completely get what you are saying, Ellen. When I think about it, I first stopped drinking when I was 25. I had 5 years, then decided I was just young and started up again. Fast forward a few stumbles and I managed 10 years. For the past 6 I've been off and on. I'd get fed up, stop, feel Ok, drink again, etc. Never had a DUI, never had withdrawals. But I'm someone who definitely has a problem and I'm just realizing how much I've struggled with it and for what? I prefer being clear minded and I like tea better than wine. I think I have finally accepted it and what a relief. What we think makes us happy might actually not be so.

Frankie12

Ellen, I am sorry to see you are still struggling with actually taking the step to quit. Hang in there, don't give up.

Stuart, my experience was similar to yours, the first week or so after quitting I felt fine, energized, happy with myself, marveling at the lack of any serious detox symptoms. Then one day it just hit me and I felt really crappy physically for a couple of days. Emotionally and mentally it has been a bit of a roller coaster ride since. I don't really expect that to end anytime soon, so I am just dealing with it.... or not, whichever way the chips fall.

I don't really think about drinking, except for very fleetingly, for brief moments. I am learning what my triggers are, and am learning what I need to avoid and how to navigate those triggers.
I have spent a lot of time exploring SMART-Recovery these last few days, attended a couple of online meetings and am getting acquainted with the many tools for sobriety. SMART really resonates with me, it promotes self management and empowers people. There is none of that denigrating self talk or labeling that I have sometimes encountered elsewhere. I find that very freeing and feel it creates a wide open space for change and growth.

Speaking of drinking, though. I had a very odd thing happen to me today. I was running errands, shopping for groceries, bank, post and so on. I was a bit preoccupied thinking about something that has been on my mind. So I was driving, pulled into a parking lot, turned off the engine and was about to grab my wallet and get out of the car when I looked around and saw I was in the parking lot of my local liquor store. WTF!!??

Old habits die hard? Or what was going on there? I can laugh about it now, but it is also a bit disconcerting that I was so preoccupied that I didn't realize where I was.

Drala

You didn't go in though Frankie. Good job!

Frankie12

Drala, I am very sorry for your loss.

Dee74

I think it is possible to need both sometimes, Ellen - I think I did
I've done the autopilot thing too Frankie - it is scary.

I too am sorry for your loss Drala.

D