Dee74

I hope everyone has a great Xmas - I'll be offline for a day or two - see you later!

D

bozboz

Merry Christmas, Dee!

Miela

...and thank you for your kind reply to my last post - and to everyone else who responded. Sorry, as usual, I'm up to my eyeballs so haven't being checking in much.

Well, in the last 2 days I have received 5 bottles of wine as gifts I will be re-gifting most of them, that is if my AP doesn't get his hands on them first.
To be honest, I've had a rotten day. Work was unbelievable draining: 8 hours of patients with no breaks and each person I saw was so unbelievably draining. Then I rushed home to be with my son, only to be greeted by my AP with a face like thunder, looking for money to buy weed. We are very low on cash this month (and particularly this week) due to Christmas, mortgage, unforseen medical bills, car repairs... etc., etc. and of course his addiction to the most expensive weed on the 'market'. I knew he'd run out so I was preparing for it on my way home. I kept saying to myself that I would not enable his addiction by funding it. Great in theory. Not so great when you're faced with someone who has in the past done such things as broken my ribs for not handing over money (that was supposed to pay for childcare costs). So, rather than expose my son to his A behaviour, I gave him the money. So right now, he's off buying his precious weed and all I want to do is crack open one of those bottles of wine. I won't, I know I won't, but I sure would like a glass (or five!). So, instead, I've put on some of the really, really old Mickey Mouse Christmas cartoons for my me and my dear son and trying to forget about it all.

Another thing I've noticed is that certain things are effecting me more (emotionally) as I suppose I've nothing to 'numb' myself with right now. For example:


In work yesterday, I had to speak with a work colleague in the social work deptartment. She was stuck on a call so I was flicking through some of the child protection literature in her office. There was a section showing detailed pictures of what marks on the skin particular 'weapons' leave. Belt buckles, boiling water, hair straightners... hair straightners?!?! WTF?!?!!? Who the f**k could do that to a child???? I had seen this particular literature many times before and, although I found it upsetting before, yesterday I became overwhelmed and had to leave for a few minutes. I couldn't sleep last night and I kept thinking of my own little man who, let's face it, has been subjected to verbal abuse by his father and has witnessed severe violence towards me. I can't allow myself to start thinking, "well at least he's never been hurt like that because it makes this behaviour acceptable. But oh Lord, I'm utterly disturbed by what I saw/read. The pain is overwhelming, my heart is breaking for all the pain and suffering that children are subjected to in this world. I don't want to live in a world like this. I cannot save every child - for f**k sake, I can hardly save my own baby, pathetic mother that I am. I want to quit my job. I want to quit the world. I now completely understand why I starved my emotions away/drank my emotions away because it's so damn painful to think and then feel sometimes. Funny thing is, I was was beaten up as a child but always felt I deserved it.

I'm sorry for the extremely long ramble. I don't know if it makes sense. I'm sorry if my post upset or disturbed anyone. I'm sorry for always being a negative drain here. I don't understand.

M

Gerbosko

LIKE ALWAYS

Girls are ALWAYS wrong

Happy Birthday Tanja!

I'm going to go take cover now................

Miela

Run Gerbosko. Run as fast as you can………

Gerbosko

Why run? I'm a perfect angel.

bozboz

Tee hee hee hee...you got in trouble, Gerb. HA HA!


Miela, I was reading on article on MSN this morning about a teacher who stuck an autistic child in a BAG with a drawstrings, for "misbehaving" It's a good damn thing that I am not that mother, because I would have stomped that teachers' a**, had that been my child. It makes me SOOO angry, and I'm not even a parent, (yet). I don't know what is wrong with people or understand how they could do anything to hurt a child. It is just beyond me.

philb

you guys all crack me up....in a good way. thanks i need this in the desert this weekend. i told boz boz in a mail that i secretly miss the whirr of the blender for the maragaritas and seeing the mountains sway in the late afternoon...ha..not really..i'm glad that part of life is over but its cool to admit missing our little desires i think. at least its honest

gerb i was just kidding u about the food we are acutally mainly vegetarians ourselves. and bozboz is right Sabra hummus rocks! With roasted pita its killer.

They have casinos here in the desert on Indian Land (the casinos we avoid and I know many people have cross addictions). However they have really great buffets at killer prices where you can either have a tofu burger or a roasted cow at great prices....endless choices....

life is good.....merry christmas all.

philb

ps: miela

your comments are so valuable and often funny. yet also the things you are writing....and i encourage you to write about what is going on at home and i hope you will continue to do so..... sounds extreme..please keep writing us..do you have outlets and help...i dont like to think of you feeling trapped.

boz boz ...ur comment about the autsitic really hit home as i have an immediate adult relative within the autstic spectrum. i'm not being political, but i hope that if anyone has the opportunity they will say hello or befriend an autistic person. you will be totally amazed at their genius and they will be totally amazed that you cared enough to say hello. i'm well aware of a family member who feels like an alien from planet unwanted. we're all in this together whatever our issues.

Gerbosko

Okay, I'm getting back on track - Enough messing around .

@tanja - I really do hope that you're having a good day today, as honeypie said, you're 52 AND sober - not many people can say that. I think birthdays should be a celebration of life and not drinking a poison to shorten or end the life - I never thought about that till sobriety. People "celebrate" good things with something that can bring them to a tragic end so quickly. I'm so glad you're sober tanja and I also do enjoy your avatar!

@philb - Remain strong and just ENJOY what life is offering you. Relax and have fun in Palm Springs, Try not to associate "Palm Springs" with "that's where I relapsed last time" - Easy for me to say but we have to move forward with our new lives or else we'll keep fearing what could turn out to be an excellent time. Have fun!

WOW! I just saw you're DRIVING to palm springs FROM california.. You are ...CRAZY! The 1,000 mile move I made is nothing compared to your drive.. Be safe!

@tanja (your post today) - I think laughter is something we missed out on with alcoholism, My personality is coming back and it's showing (shows more outside the forum though) and it makes me feel great to make others laugh. I do however have to tone down what I'm posting on here though - This is a recovery forum and I think making random posts that are just for laughs is not the reason I'm here. I like having fun, but there is a serious side to why I'm here . Nothing makes me feel better and have a great day than helping someone else with a problem that I've experienced in the past.

The one thing I need to work on is that not everyone can drop the drink and move on so easy like I did. This is hard for me to deal with to be honest and I'm really having to look through this finally and realize that everyone recovers at a different rate. People relapsing kills me but I need to look back and see that I also relapsed my first time around. I may seem like I'm breezing through recovering from alcohol, but there are some points I hit where I don't know how to handle a situation because I've never handled it sober.

@bozboz - glad everything worked out with the wine for a present and I'll look for that hummus when I get a chance.

@Dee74 - Have a Happy Valentines Day! I mean.. Have a Happy Easter!... Christmas.

@Miela - I just got a chance to read your post and I don't know why you're still in the relationship. Again, easy or me to say but I mean.. Broken Ribs and you're still with this guy? I don't know what "AP" means but all I know is you should not live this way. You're sober and you should be living a great life. The abuse will not stop, it will only get worse. He's breaking your ribs for weed, that is the most bottom-of-the-barrel type of man right there. You deserve so much better. Please start planning out a new future, get out of that relationship by any means possible.

Miela

Oh Bozboz, how awful. That must have been so terrifying for the poor child as autistic kids often have an extreme fear of enclosed spaces. My own little man is on the autistic spectrum. He is very mildly, highly functioning autistic, incredibly intelligent (writing, mathematics self-taught at age 2) but has some challenging behaviour. At our worst moments I'm pulling my hair out and want to scream but at his best, he is funny and charming and sweet. If I thought anyone was treating him that way... Well, I don't think I could be responsible for my actions.

Philb, thank you so much for your kind words - they really mean a lot. I often feel my comments are nothing but negative, draining moaning. SR has been an amazing outlet and support to me. I just wish I had more to give back in return for the support I receive.

Gerbosko, thank you also for your kind words and support. I'm not great with these abbreviations but AP means (to me anyway!!) 'Addict Partner'.
I so desperately wish to leave but it is so very complicated. We have a mortgage together, if I, the woman, leave the house (according to the cr*ppy laws in this country), it is called desertion which means I will still be responsible for my payments of the mortgage but would be entitled to nothing in the event of the house being sold. Also, he would smoke/drink all his money so his half of the mortgage would not be paid but, as it's still a joint mortgage, I would be credit black listed (think that's the phrase in English?) and therefore screwed for life. He also does not want me to leave and I genuinely fear for my life if I did.

Thank you all again for your support. I would be lost without you all

M

Gerbosko

Edit -- Nah, I'm not going to post what I said here -

Just take care of yourself Miela.

RoccoFunnyMan

@Miela, I was hit by my parents as a child as well. My father used a belt, or his massive hand and did not just give a swat or two, he went until he felt better. My mother used her hand, a belt, or when she was really mad a wooden spoon. I discussed this with my counselor and he was surprised that I wasn't more dysfunctional than I am.

I used my situation as a template for how not to live my life. Interestingly enough my parents did not drink, so that sort of blows the whole learn by example thing. I was lucky enough to be emotionally strong enough to deal with the abuse and come out the other side a driven, caring individual. BUT, I was holding in all the pain and not dealing with it, numbing it with my drinking and smoking, and acting like all was fine with the world.

It wasn't until my wife had issues that I was forced to look inward and admit I had problems and that I couldn't deal with them alone. For me that was the hardest thing, admitting I was not in control, that I wasn't a master of the universe.

We have never treated our children like this, and they wonderful, happy young adults now. I hope they never have to endure the things we did.

Gerbosko

bozboz is going to get such a laugh out of this....

philb, I thought you were driving to Palm Springs, Florida - I never knew Palm Springs, California even existed.

bozboz

Having a hard time breathing, I'm laughing so hard.

Deserto

Glad to see everyone in such a good mood!

I'll be checking in over the weekend at some point, but if I don't get to post: Merry Christmas everyone!

Gerbosko

At least one troll is in a good mood! (bozboz)

bozboz

Merry Christmas, Deserto!!!


Lol...this troll LOVES to have fun at your expense, HONEY BUNNY!

philb

Gerb---I did almost fall in the swimming pool with my laptop when I read that lol!

I dont know where Palm Springs Florida is :-)

P.S. Calif is about 90 miles from my house.....

Merry Christmas....hey Deserto you too I've been enjoying reading your posts. and everyone else

Miela---hang in there....youre just being here is a huge value. Please stay. My relative has high functioning autisim as well. Aspergers Syndrome. They can become quite brilliant and high functioning successful adults with families(I know this as my relative is) Theres lots of hope and support.

bozboz

Ah man...I don't mean to be facetious...but don't you mean Palm Springs is about 90 miles from your house? (Said with all the love in my heart)