Class of June 2011 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Waynesville, Ohio
Posts: 61
Hi guys...sorry didn't post today...sooo sleepy! So I am gonna go curl up by Dylan and try to watch a movie...I'm sure I won't get past the opening credits, but hey...whatever works!Promise to post tomorrow and fill ya'll in on my new ideas!
luv ya all,
Missducky
luv ya all,
Missducky
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: BoulderCo
Posts: 111
Well here is what is going on with me and what I've been so reluctant to talk about because I am so scared. The only people who know at the moment is my doctor and my husband. But I need help dealing with this. I can't process this alone, my husband is supportive. He's a former meth addict just like me, but unlike me he didn't jump addictions. He's been completely sober for almost 3 years, except for a sunday night beer. Where as I dealt with the meth addiction by getting myself trashed day in and day out.
A few threads back I mentioned how my husband and I had been trying to conceive and having a hard time with it. I was feeling really sad about it a few weeks ago. Because I was late and after a year of trying I knew those times were really hopeful followed by the worst disappointment. It really has been a heart breaking year with that. Thinking that there was something incredibly wrong with me and that I didn't deserve to have a family because of what a horrible person I am. I felt horrible for my husband because he wanted it so bad too and it was my fault that he couldn't have that.
At the time I just thought once I’m pregnant I’ll stop drinking and everything will be ok. It will fix everything that’s wrong. Then it hit me that no that’s not the way things work. I need to get my **** together first and then we can worry about kids. So with his support we decided to stop trying. I'd get sober and relax a little bit. Then we could try again. We're 26 it's not like I was running out of time.
Well life has a really f*cked up way of giving you what you want at the worst times. Apparently all it took was 6 weeks of me not drinking myself ******** and not being stressed out over it for us to conceive.
I have really mixed feelings right now. 4 months ago I would have been the happiest person in the world. Now I’m scared, I don’t think I’m ready, I’m not sure if I want this and I know for a fact that this is not the best time. But after so long of trying to TTC and now this I'm going through with it. I'm 8 weeks and thank god my last drink was before the 5 week point. My doctor said that 5 weeks is when the brain really start developing and as long as I'm sober from then on there's a very very small chance of him/her developing brain damage.
So like I said I have the world's strongest motivation to get sober. It's not just my life anymore. But I'm really scared.
ETA: If you read this please please respond. I feel like I'm about to puke just writing this out and having people know the alcoholic dumb bitch got knocked up. And that's beyond the general pukey feeling I've got.
A few threads back I mentioned how my husband and I had been trying to conceive and having a hard time with it. I was feeling really sad about it a few weeks ago. Because I was late and after a year of trying I knew those times were really hopeful followed by the worst disappointment. It really has been a heart breaking year with that. Thinking that there was something incredibly wrong with me and that I didn't deserve to have a family because of what a horrible person I am. I felt horrible for my husband because he wanted it so bad too and it was my fault that he couldn't have that.
At the time I just thought once I’m pregnant I’ll stop drinking and everything will be ok. It will fix everything that’s wrong. Then it hit me that no that’s not the way things work. I need to get my **** together first and then we can worry about kids. So with his support we decided to stop trying. I'd get sober and relax a little bit. Then we could try again. We're 26 it's not like I was running out of time.
Well life has a really f*cked up way of giving you what you want at the worst times. Apparently all it took was 6 weeks of me not drinking myself ******** and not being stressed out over it for us to conceive.
I have really mixed feelings right now. 4 months ago I would have been the happiest person in the world. Now I’m scared, I don’t think I’m ready, I’m not sure if I want this and I know for a fact that this is not the best time. But after so long of trying to TTC and now this I'm going through with it. I'm 8 weeks and thank god my last drink was before the 5 week point. My doctor said that 5 weeks is when the brain really start developing and as long as I'm sober from then on there's a very very small chance of him/her developing brain damage.
So like I said I have the world's strongest motivation to get sober. It's not just my life anymore. But I'm really scared.
ETA: If you read this please please respond. I feel like I'm about to puke just writing this out and having people know the alcoholic dumb bitch got knocked up. And that's beyond the general pukey feeling I've got.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi Cherry
I'm not a parent, but I think every parent gets the jitters when they find they're pregnant...especially if it's been on the cards for a while...it's a big deal...alcoholic or not.
It's take some time to get used to, but I'm pleased you're going ahead. I think it's an incredible gift you've been given
I have every confidence in you that you can not only stay sober now until you give birth, but stay sober beyond that and be the best mom ever for your little one
Congratulations
D
I'm not a parent, but I think every parent gets the jitters when they find they're pregnant...especially if it's been on the cards for a while...it's a big deal...alcoholic or not.
It's take some time to get used to, but I'm pleased you're going ahead. I think it's an incredible gift you've been given
I have every confidence in you that you can not only stay sober now until you give birth, but stay sober beyond that and be the best mom ever for your little one
Congratulations
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: CO.
Posts: 141
I
Cherry--, Those days aren't too far away from me. Olivia being only 22 months, I remember distinctly the inadequacy feelings, the panic attacks and all of the fretting that make up the 9 month period leading up to the birth. Let me just say that that child picked you and your husband for a reason. You have a great road ahead of you. I know these feelings are new and foreign to you right now but imagine what it will be like the first time you can feel your child kick! Your life is about to change and it will be a great road. Rely on your hubby as much as you can and get these thoughts to him... I can guarantee he is racing right now just like you. Hang in there kid. You will be an adoring mother and all of the things you've done right as of late will pay huge dividends for you and your family.
"I'm really seeing how depending on alcohol only serves to fuel a vicious cycle of obsessing on the negative for me. I thank God I finally realize this."
I think it was Instant who wrote this a few days ago, and you have squared it up. (I apologize if it was somebody else.) This has been my life for the past week. Not to mention whenever I would abuse drugs and alcohol. I finally really made a stand today and actually had a long and honest conversation with God about what has happened to me since I really let alcohol and drugs take over. I often try to pray and meditate in the shower, but this time I wanted something more. I drew a bath, (keep in mind it has been years) and had a real "come to Jesus" pardon the pun, while soaking out all of the negativity, alcohol, anxiety, sin, weed, regret and angst that I've been carrying. I took some deep breaths and put my head under the hot water and now I will put my marching boots on. I popped an antabuse just to make sure and I think I will finish the prescription off this time. No more F-ing around June.
So here we go again gang. I have been skulking around here the past couple of days but haven't posted because I felt so ashamed. You have all been such supportive friends in this errata, but Buelah, the private message you sent to me is the reason I am back here with my long-winded posts. You are a true and sympathetic friend and leader here on this forum and I can't say thanks enough that you took the time to fire that message my way. I felt like even though so many of you told me I am still welcome in this class it was just wrong for me to sell you guys short like that. Truth of the matter is just like you said, this class has become a family. I can't live without my family and I don't want to try to anymore. Thanks for letting me have another chance and I won't let you guys down. I may be playing catch up with all you guys from now on, but hey, ketchup is good on everything. I will post here daily Classical, and I will be sober too. No booze, no weed, just love, root beer and the occasional doughnut. Thanks to everyone for your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am worried about being able to sleep tonight, so I think I am going to go and take a crack at it while I am feeling the time is right. I have to umpire a couple of games tomorrow morning (championships!), so I will post afterwards. It is good to be back with the tribe.
"Mr. Condiments"
Papa Nico
Oh, one other thing..., Where can I go to find a detailed explanation of the 12 steps? can I find that info on SR?
"I'm really seeing how depending on alcohol only serves to fuel a vicious cycle of obsessing on the negative for me. I thank God I finally realize this."
I think it was Instant who wrote this a few days ago, and you have squared it up. (I apologize if it was somebody else.) This has been my life for the past week. Not to mention whenever I would abuse drugs and alcohol. I finally really made a stand today and actually had a long and honest conversation with God about what has happened to me since I really let alcohol and drugs take over. I often try to pray and meditate in the shower, but this time I wanted something more. I drew a bath, (keep in mind it has been years) and had a real "come to Jesus" pardon the pun, while soaking out all of the negativity, alcohol, anxiety, sin, weed, regret and angst that I've been carrying. I took some deep breaths and put my head under the hot water and now I will put my marching boots on. I popped an antabuse just to make sure and I think I will finish the prescription off this time. No more F-ing around June.
So here we go again gang. I have been skulking around here the past couple of days but haven't posted because I felt so ashamed. You have all been such supportive friends in this errata, but Buelah, the private message you sent to me is the reason I am back here with my long-winded posts. You are a true and sympathetic friend and leader here on this forum and I can't say thanks enough that you took the time to fire that message my way. I felt like even though so many of you told me I am still welcome in this class it was just wrong for me to sell you guys short like that. Truth of the matter is just like you said, this class has become a family. I can't live without my family and I don't want to try to anymore. Thanks for letting me have another chance and I won't let you guys down. I may be playing catch up with all you guys from now on, but hey, ketchup is good on everything. I will post here daily Classical, and I will be sober too. No booze, no weed, just love, root beer and the occasional doughnut. Thanks to everyone for your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am worried about being able to sleep tonight, so I think I am going to go and take a crack at it while I am feeling the time is right. I have to umpire a couple of games tomorrow morning (championships!), so I will post afterwards. It is good to be back with the tribe.
"Mr. Condiments"
Papa Nico
Oh, one other thing..., Where can I go to find a detailed explanation of the 12 steps? can I find that info on SR?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: near London, UK
Posts: 582
Cherry first and foremost congratulations!
Its 12 years since I was last pregnant but I can imagine the emotional turmoil that you are living with.
Its always scary being pregnant - I dont know any Mum who didnt worry until those scans were over with and then of course about the birth but we often go on to have more than 1 so it cant be THAT bad
Try to see this as a blessing, a gift from a higher power, you wanted to get sober for yourself and you have started that journey and now you have someone within you to accompany you and help you be stronger.
With both of my pregnancies but especially the first the whole pregancy thing became my new addiction. I bought all the books you could think of and counted the days (like I am doing with my sobriety) and the weeks and months. I cant remember the name but I had a wonderful picture book that shows exactly what that little life inside you looks like at each week through the pregnancy and explains what parts of her/him are developing. It might have been "A child is born" but im sure there are loads you can google and get from amazon or ebay or any decent book shop.
My advice to you would be to totally ACCEPT this new life inside you - really really believe it is happening and envelop your body and soul into the process of nurturing him/her. Then you can start the fun stuff - getting all the gear you will need god just talking about this is taking me back and I feel very emotional - almost broody! In about February?? we will have our first class of June baby - its exciting and wonderful.
I really hope you can start to feel happy and excited about whats happening - it wont stop you being an addict but it sure has given you something else to think about and concentrate on.
Dont ever stop working for your sobriety you must always put that first or everything else will end up lost anyway but try and see this wonderful development as part of your journey and make that bubble inside you your new addiction.
Sorry I got rather emotional and probably sounded like I was telling you what to do - I am not - I am just speaking from my own heart and saying stuff that I would say to myself if you see what I mean. You are so young and I may be totally out of touch but I am here for you along with the rest of this class to help you the best we can and you can take the stuff you feel is helping and leave the rest just as long as you are looking after "yourselves" then all is well.
PS x
Its 12 years since I was last pregnant but I can imagine the emotional turmoil that you are living with.
Its always scary being pregnant - I dont know any Mum who didnt worry until those scans were over with and then of course about the birth but we often go on to have more than 1 so it cant be THAT bad
Try to see this as a blessing, a gift from a higher power, you wanted to get sober for yourself and you have started that journey and now you have someone within you to accompany you and help you be stronger.
With both of my pregnancies but especially the first the whole pregancy thing became my new addiction. I bought all the books you could think of and counted the days (like I am doing with my sobriety) and the weeks and months. I cant remember the name but I had a wonderful picture book that shows exactly what that little life inside you looks like at each week through the pregnancy and explains what parts of her/him are developing. It might have been "A child is born" but im sure there are loads you can google and get from amazon or ebay or any decent book shop.
My advice to you would be to totally ACCEPT this new life inside you - really really believe it is happening and envelop your body and soul into the process of nurturing him/her. Then you can start the fun stuff - getting all the gear you will need god just talking about this is taking me back and I feel very emotional - almost broody! In about February?? we will have our first class of June baby - its exciting and wonderful.
I really hope you can start to feel happy and excited about whats happening - it wont stop you being an addict but it sure has given you something else to think about and concentrate on.
Dont ever stop working for your sobriety you must always put that first or everything else will end up lost anyway but try and see this wonderful development as part of your journey and make that bubble inside you your new addiction.
Sorry I got rather emotional and probably sounded like I was telling you what to do - I am not - I am just speaking from my own heart and saying stuff that I would say to myself if you see what I mean. You are so young and I may be totally out of touch but I am here for you along with the rest of this class to help you the best we can and you can take the stuff you feel is helping and leave the rest just as long as you are looking after "yourselves" then all is well.
PS x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mi
Posts: 292
Cherry - I understand your angst given your situation. But I believe this will be a good, no, a great, life changing event for you and your husband. I wish I had the words to assure you that it will be OK.
However... Pumpkin - That is a wonderful post for Cherry. Thank you for stating it so eloquently.
However... Pumpkin - That is a wonderful post for Cherry. Thank you for stating it so eloquently.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mi
Posts: 292
Port Huron to Mackinaw
The biggest sailboat race in Lake Huron starts in 45 minutes and I am home painting the fence.
Considering the trauma some of my classmates have gone through recently this is a small thing, but still I am depressed.
My friends are on Twisted and manuvering for starting position as I type. I am tracking the race on line. Perhaps I shall turn a fan on behind me and throw a glass of water in my face occasionally to get the whole effect. The race should end tomorrow night or Monday morning.
http://www.bellsbeer.com/bycmack2011/
I am healthy. My family is healthy. I have a good job. I am over 30 days sober. I have nothing to complain about, but still, I am.
Its not getting easier for me. I still would love a beer. I have a little sober-envy for my classmates that seem to be cruising. It is still gritty hard for me. Four fingers of Woodford Reserve over ice would be heavenly.
Have a good Saturday everyone. Back to the fence.
Considering the trauma some of my classmates have gone through recently this is a small thing, but still I am depressed.
My friends are on Twisted and manuvering for starting position as I type. I am tracking the race on line. Perhaps I shall turn a fan on behind me and throw a glass of water in my face occasionally to get the whole effect. The race should end tomorrow night or Monday morning.
http://www.bellsbeer.com/bycmack2011/
I am healthy. My family is healthy. I have a good job. I am over 30 days sober. I have nothing to complain about, but still, I am.
Its not getting easier for me. I still would love a beer. I have a little sober-envy for my classmates that seem to be cruising. It is still gritty hard for me. Four fingers of Woodford Reserve over ice would be heavenly.
Have a good Saturday everyone. Back to the fence.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 166
Hey guys. I had a bit of a rough night last night. I came home and my roomie was high. I told her she can't use in the apt anymore, it's causing me to crave my drug of choice. I left and came to my old sponsor's house as I didn't know what else to do. I've got a bit of a resentment towards my roommate now and I don't know how to rid myself of it. I only have to live with her another month and then she's gone. She's in the program too (AA) but still using. It seems so hypocritical and unfair when I'm trying my damndest to hang onto my arse. It makes it difficult having her at the meetings at my home group too knowing she's still using and sharing a buncha bull. She owes me over $300 for bills and is spending money on drugs instead. I've tried talking to her and it really does no good. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of this resentment? I know she's sick too and I should pray for her, but it's the last thing I feel like doing right now.
Sorry but I really needed to vent about this because it's at the top of the list of the chaos going on in my life.
Sorry but I really needed to vent about this because it's at the top of the list of the chaos going on in my life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 166
I'm going to counter the negativity of that post with a positive one. Two days ago I had a bit of a spiritual experience. I was driving down the road and saw a stopped car. I slowed down wondering if the person needed help. Then I saw him a little ways out and he was just changing a sign so I sped back up. Shock overcame me as I realized that I was actually concerned about a stranger's well being. I never would have done that a month ago, I am very selfish! I was overcome with a feeling of the spirit and felt my heart swelling. I glanced to my left and was passing some beautiful horses and started to shed tears of happiness. It was one of the most amazing feelings I have had in my life and I instantly felt like everything was going as it should be, and that everything was going to be alright. I am grateful that my higher power has given me another chance to really live. I need to remember moments like that one when I am feeling low. If only I could feel that way all of the time!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 200
Cherry God has blessed you.
Look at my screen name- my true reason for sobriety.
Today I watched my girl swim in the regional championships and my heart swelled with pride. last month was a piano recital. And my boys giggle with glee as they play with our dog. I am seeing this with sober eyes.
We never feel ready. That's not the way it works. But we fall into the job, with love and fear as we go.
Look at my screen name- my true reason for sobriety.
Today I watched my girl swim in the regional championships and my heart swelled with pride. last month was a piano recital. And my boys giggle with glee as they play with our dog. I am seeing this with sober eyes.
We never feel ready. That's not the way it works. But we fall into the job, with love and fear as we go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: near London, UK
Posts: 582
Jhay and SW im sorry you are having struggles although I loved your higher power moment Jhay in your subsequent post.
It DOES get easier - it comes to all of us sometimes quickly sometimes slowly but if you persevere you will get there in the end. SW are you following any programme? Sorry I cant remember from older posts there are so many of us. I find the work I am doing on my steps and the positivity I gain from going to meetings are giving me some peace and a gentle kind of contentment with my sobriety that I dont think I would have unless I was doing the AA stuff. I realise its not for everyone and SR is an amazing place but you cant beat face to face support from others who have been there in my opinion.
My sponsor is unwell and cancelled our get together today but I spent a good hour that went really quickly working on the acceptance steps and going through Bills Story in the big book and just that makes me feel like I have "done something" today to top up my soberometer.
I have since being doing karate on the Wii fit with my brother, my daughters (all of whom are not here) and Jack Black!!! Gotta love the wii fit
It DOES get easier - it comes to all of us sometimes quickly sometimes slowly but if you persevere you will get there in the end. SW are you following any programme? Sorry I cant remember from older posts there are so many of us. I find the work I am doing on my steps and the positivity I gain from going to meetings are giving me some peace and a gentle kind of contentment with my sobriety that I dont think I would have unless I was doing the AA stuff. I realise its not for everyone and SR is an amazing place but you cant beat face to face support from others who have been there in my opinion.
My sponsor is unwell and cancelled our get together today but I spent a good hour that went really quickly working on the acceptance steps and going through Bills Story in the big book and just that makes me feel like I have "done something" today to top up my soberometer.
I have since being doing karate on the Wii fit with my brother, my daughters (all of whom are not here) and Jack Black!!! Gotta love the wii fit
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
jhay, many thanks for both your posts and streamwader and ofcourse you Pumpkin Soup. I don't know if my previous post went through. I am cooking and too tired to look. The past few days have been difficult. I have been very tired and restless. Tonight, I could very easily drink, very, very easy. I just want to escape
But, I know if I do that I will be letting me, my gf, her boys (my family) and you all do down.
'The dreamers of the day are dangerous men. They live their dreams.' As T.E. Lawrence then went onto say 'This I did.'
Tonight, I will live my dreams, however hard it be and stay sober!
Much love,
Chimp!
But, I know if I do that I will be letting me, my gf, her boys (my family) and you all do down.
'The dreamers of the day are dangerous men. They live their dreams.' As T.E. Lawrence then went onto say 'This I did.'
Tonight, I will live my dreams, however hard it be and stay sober!
Much love,
Chimp!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: United states
Posts: 200
Escaping to.....
Since all of us found refuge in alcohol I think it might be a good exercise to each suggest one alternate escape we can try.
I close my eyes and think about standing on the edge of the ocean. I try to imagine the water rolling over my feet and that pull on me as it retreats and I step back trying to rebalance myself. It's sunny out but I don't feel hot because of this warm yet cool breeze that caresses my face and arms. I hear the seagulls and I hold a seashell in my hand as I go through this exercise. I always feel more relaxed if I do this.
Next....
I close my eyes and think about standing on the edge of the ocean. I try to imagine the water rolling over my feet and that pull on me as it retreats and I step back trying to rebalance myself. It's sunny out but I don't feel hot because of this warm yet cool breeze that caresses my face and arms. I hear the seagulls and I hold a seashell in my hand as I go through this exercise. I always feel more relaxed if I do this.
Next....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by Pumpkin Soup 
Just heard Amy Winehouse has been found dead at the age of 27 what a tragedy - another loss to the terrors of addiction.
I honestly hope that the Winehouse story doesn't overshadow the tragic events that have happened in Oslo, Norway. That is a tale of evil beyond comprehension!
I hope everyone's having a good weekend. I just got home from a very hard squash match with one of the female pros at my club. She's training to try and break into the women's tour and challenged me to a match. She's maybe 22 or 23 and very tall and strong (I'm 42, tall, not so strong). We had a very good match. I managed to squeak out the win 11-9 in the fifth game and got a very good run in the process! Today's supposed to be a rest day but my run tomorrow is only 11km so I should be fine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 720
Howdy every one!
Another steamy one in Michigan. I will have to get caught up on every one's posts from the past day or so either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Looks like lots of activity - I hope every one is doing well.
Today is exciting as I've hit day 30.
Gotta run - Mom and I are going to a show this evening. She wanted to take me out as a birthday present (which time together is way better than any material gift) - so just her and I this evening. Birthdays Thursday, but she enjoys being out with the business of the weekend. She reminds me of my Grandma - she was the same way - loved being out with people.
Hugs and love to every one!
Another steamy one in Michigan. I will have to get caught up on every one's posts from the past day or so either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Looks like lots of activity - I hope every one is doing well.
Today is exciting as I've hit day 30.
Gotta run - Mom and I are going to a show this evening. She wanted to take me out as a birthday present (which time together is way better than any material gift) - so just her and I this evening. Birthdays Thursday, but she enjoys being out with the business of the weekend. She reminds me of my Grandma - she was the same way - loved being out with people.
Hugs and love to every one!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: BoulderCo
Posts: 111
Thanks you guys. I feel so much better reading your replies. This really is a blessing and I'm glad to hear that the terrified feeling is completely normal.
I really like what you had to say Pumpkin about there being someone else inside me to help me with this journey. Because that's exactly what it feels like. They're pulling for me no matter what and I have to do my best to give them the best that I can. And right now especially that means staying sober.
I really like what you had to say Pumpkin about there being someone else inside me to help me with this journey. Because that's exactly what it feels like. They're pulling for me no matter what and I have to do my best to give them the best that I can. And right now especially that means staying sober.
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