Codependency and Beyond
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
February 8
Letting Go of Guilt
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
February 8
Letting Go of Guilt
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
"I find that Resentment, Criticism, Guilt and Fear cause more problems than anything else"
Louise Hay
So true, yet it takes a lot of practice to let go of guilt; it's a process not an event.
So many of us still want "instant results" with our emotions. Well I do when the pain gets bad.
Like Melody says, Guilt's often an ingrained belief from childhood isn't it?
My program and the steps have helped me develop a more positive attitude to these emotions, but I ain't perfect and can
still have my off days!
Louise Hay
So true, yet it takes a lot of practice to let go of guilt; it's a process not an event.
So many of us still want "instant results" with our emotions. Well I do when the pain gets bad.
Like Melody says, Guilt's often an ingrained belief from childhood isn't it?
My program and the steps have helped me develop a more positive attitude to these emotions, but I ain't perfect and can
still have my off days!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I truly wish I could just take a vacation, every month when I'm pms'ing, and stay away from everyone..I'm ready to smack everyone!
I did apologize to dad, and at the suggestion from an SR friend, told him that if this happens again, I will not sit there and watch stepmom to make sure she's breathing (as I've done in the past), I will call an ambulance and they can deal with the consequences.
There was more to the conversation, but let's just say, I was put in my place. He snapped (I'm just trying to survive!!!"
I was glad to read the guilt reading. I have a lot of guilt over things I have no reason to feelg guilty about...especially in this situation....like wanting to move on with my life, knowing dad and stepmom are so miserable. I will continue with my plans, but I sure don't like the guilt feelings!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I did apologize to dad, and at the suggestion from an SR friend, told him that if this happens again, I will not sit there and watch stepmom to make sure she's breathing (as I've done in the past), I will call an ambulance and they can deal with the consequences.
There was more to the conversation, but let's just say, I was put in my place. He snapped (I'm just trying to survive!!!"
I was glad to read the guilt reading. I have a lot of guilt over things I have no reason to feelg guilty about...especially in this situation....like wanting to move on with my life, knowing dad and stepmom are so miserable. I will continue with my plans, but I sure don't like the guilt feelings!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Grateful, good for you, taking time for yourself, or as you said leaving the planet.lol I love to go for walks too and watch the birds and get into my own space..it helps that I take my dog Sammy for walks everyday. It is more enjoyable on nice sunny days...
I always get excited when I see my first robin in the Spring, I love the way they sing first thing in the morning...It's amazing that Fall already seen robins where she is.
I always get excited when I see my first robin in the Spring, I love the way they sing first thing in the morning...It's amazing that Fall already seen robins where she is.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I think I was born feeling guilty, its always been my constant companion. It's so good to know I have a choice now, and that I don't have to feel guilty. If I do FEEL guilty, I know that feeling will pass, instead of being controlled by it. I have always let other people control me with guilt, but not anymore, I'm onto them...
It seems I have had a different experience than most here with religion. My parents never went to church, except for weddings or funerals. They sent me to Sunday School, so I have more or less found my own way to God of my understanding. I have had people along the way to help me of course, but I have had no pressure from family. I believe in a loving God, and a God that helps me everyday.
It seems I have had a different experience than most here with religion. My parents never went to church, except for weddings or funerals. They sent me to Sunday School, so I have more or less found my own way to God of my understanding. I have had people along the way to help me of course, but I have had no pressure from family. I believe in a loving God, and a God that helps me everyday.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Amy))...having a front row seat is hard...and you don't have a lot of room to move in your spot right now...I think even when we are going through stuff that has us feeling helpless and not at our best, and feeling badly that we have fallen off the track, it has its purpose.
It has brought you even closer to the truth that it is not your problem and that you are powerless over their lives and that you can and do deserve to move on with your life..
I like the idea of the ambulance, anything that will speed up the consequences is good
.
I know you aren't in the position to move right now, but this incident is a reminder of how at risk it puts you and how you need to continue to put you first, no matter what is going on around you. maybe you can really focus your prayer work on finding a situation that would allow you to move even with your financial constraints From "Language", "no request is too large; how often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we need. put the request in God's hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go."
I had a little codie slip this week...ugh.. it was a relaxing of my emotional guard around stuff that is very triggering for me. I got complacent and let my focus slip. I don't have the front seat I used to have, ..but I do take a seat up in the balcony from time to time...
Amy, I love how you worked so quickly through this...as difficult as it was..
as Carol says, on we go...
It has brought you even closer to the truth that it is not your problem and that you are powerless over their lives and that you can and do deserve to move on with your life..
I like the idea of the ambulance, anything that will speed up the consequences is good
.I know you aren't in the position to move right now, but this incident is a reminder of how at risk it puts you and how you need to continue to put you first, no matter what is going on around you. maybe you can really focus your prayer work on finding a situation that would allow you to move even with your financial constraints From "Language", "no request is too large; how often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we need. put the request in God's hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go."
I had a little codie slip this week...ugh.. it was a relaxing of my emotional guard around stuff that is very triggering for me. I got complacent and let my focus slip. I don't have the front seat I used to have, ..but I do take a seat up in the balcony from time to time...
Amy, I love how you worked so quickly through this...as difficult as it was..
as Carol says, on we go...
Last edited by grateful2b; 02-08-2009 at 10:08 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
I think we are going to have an early spring...there was a robin spotted here , last week!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
It's hard to tell, whether we'll have an early spring, in GA. It's in the 60's here, today, but 3 days ago, the wind chill was 0. We don't have the drastic winters, people up north do, so our change from winter to spring is more of a gradual thing. My mom was from MN and she HATED it....she missed the snow and having 4 seasons!
((G2B))) - I started adding a prayer "please find a safe place for me and my cats" to my daily prayers. I keep getting reminded, that to get prayers ANSWERED, you have to ASK Of course, I'm already feeling guilty about moving out, and I haven't even done it yet...feel like I'm abandoning everyone. I know...I'm not. Just something I need to work on.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((G2B))) - I started adding a prayer "please find a safe place for me and my cats" to my daily prayers. I keep getting reminded, that to get prayers ANSWERED, you have to ASK
Of course, I'm already feeling guilty about moving out, and I haven't even done it yet...feel like I'm abandoning everyone. I know...I'm not. Just something I need to work on.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
This is not an upbeat post, so be warned. I would like to get this out and I hope no one minds.
I am having trouble at the moment and guilt is right upfront in my mind. I just got off the phone with my Dad, who is 84 and very upset.
My Dad, my brother (D) and my nephew (P) and are all in a dance of insanity together and have been for years. P is 28, social-phobic (dropped out of school at 13) and is addicted to marijuana and possibly prescription drugs. P never leaves the house, has never had a job, never been on a date and gets incredibly violent and aggressive at times. He destroys things and constantly threatens to kill himself. D allows this to continue year after year. P has threatened to kill D and my Dad. D hasn't gotten much support from social services and seems incapable of doing what he needs to do for himself and for Paul. And, my Dad, feeds into the drama. In fact, a year ago, my Dad tried to start a GrowOp marijuana thing in his house, but it didn't work, thank god. His logic was, that if he could supply the marijuana to P, then D would have more money because he wouldn't have to go out and buy it. Unbelievable!!
I live thousands of miles away. I had to detach almost completely about 5 years ago because I couldn't deal with the pain. I had done everything I could do to help. D is my only sibling. Usually I can maintain my boundaries but it didn't work today. :praying
I am having trouble at the moment and guilt is right upfront in my mind. I just got off the phone with my Dad, who is 84 and very upset.
My Dad, my brother (D) and my nephew (P) and are all in a dance of insanity together and have been for years. P is 28, social-phobic (dropped out of school at 13) and is addicted to marijuana and possibly prescription drugs. P never leaves the house, has never had a job, never been on a date and gets incredibly violent and aggressive at times. He destroys things and constantly threatens to kill himself. D allows this to continue year after year. P has threatened to kill D and my Dad. D hasn't gotten much support from social services and seems incapable of doing what he needs to do for himself and for Paul. And, my Dad, feeds into the drama. In fact, a year ago, my Dad tried to start a GrowOp marijuana thing in his house, but it didn't work, thank god. His logic was, that if he could supply the marijuana to P, then D would have more money because he wouldn't have to go out and buy it. Unbelievable!!
I live thousands of miles away. I had to detach almost completely about 5 years ago because I couldn't deal with the pain. I had done everything I could do to help. D is my only sibling. Usually I can maintain my boundaries but it didn't work today. :praying
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
wow, Anna, yes, that is tough when we are helpless in the face of the lives of the people we love.
My brother is an addict and lives out in B.C. He and I are very close. He has been homeless for years and this past year was rescued from living in a dumpster...and has been staying fairly clean and trying to do good work..
This past Christmas, he wanted to try and come home, but since his check didn't come on the 17th and the cutoff for his ticket was the 16th, he wanted my mother to front him the money for the ticket until he got here. I was not in the position to help him with money.
Well, my mother, because she has a history of loaning him money, had finally learned to stop giving the addict money, and refused to help him get a ticket to get here..crying wolf had finally caught up with him at a time when he really, truly needed help.
I know from spending time on the phone with him , that after 18 years of hiding out there on the coast, he realizes how much he needs his family...they relate to the young man of 18 years ago and it is hard for them to see how much he is struggling and trying..
He is still homeless, and it broke my heart to see him refused at a time when he needed so much to be here...It could have made a difference to his process...
I have not heard from him and so I do not know how he is but I pray for him.
I try to remind myself that God has him right where he wants him, but he is on my mind.
My brother is an addict and lives out in B.C. He and I are very close. He has been homeless for years and this past year was rescued from living in a dumpster...and has been staying fairly clean and trying to do good work..
This past Christmas, he wanted to try and come home, but since his check didn't come on the 17th and the cutoff for his ticket was the 16th, he wanted my mother to front him the money for the ticket until he got here. I was not in the position to help him with money.
Well, my mother, because she has a history of loaning him money, had finally learned to stop giving the addict money, and refused to help him get a ticket to get here..crying wolf had finally caught up with him at a time when he really, truly needed help.
I know from spending time on the phone with him , that after 18 years of hiding out there on the coast, he realizes how much he needs his family...they relate to the young man of 18 years ago and it is hard for them to see how much he is struggling and trying..
He is still homeless, and it broke my heart to see him refused at a time when he needed so much to be here...It could have made a difference to his process...
I have not heard from him and so I do not know how he is but I pray for him.
I try to remind myself that God has him right where he wants him, but he is on my mind.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Anna))I know the feeling of helplessness, when you live so far away. What could you do if you were there? Hopefully your Dad will calm down and things will settle down. Sorry you are going through this..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Grateful)) that must have been very heartbreaking for you. I hope and pray your brother is doing good.
I actually just talked to my son, he says he is going into treatment friday for a month..so will be praying that he follows through.
Sending prayers for your brother and Anna's family:praying
Also for Amy to find a place for her and her kittys...
I actually just talked to my son, he says he is going into treatment friday for a month..so will be praying that he follows through.
Sending prayers for your brother and Anna's family:praying
Also for Amy to find a place for her and her kittys...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
SG, I am so happy to hear about your son!
Grateful2b, that must have been so difficult to deal with, especially just before Christmas. I am learning more and more about having faith. I hope your brother finds his way home.
Grateful2b, that must have been so difficult to deal with, especially just before Christmas. I am learning more and more about having faith. I hope your brother finds his way home.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
February 9
Letting Go in Love
When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.
-Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanant. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own interests, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
February 9
Letting Go in Love
When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.
-Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanant. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own interests, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I love this passage...
The biggest gift of recovery for me has been, finally being free to be me.
As a sibling of seven in my family, I was always the sensitive, empathic and to my sibling, the odd one, the one with her feelings on her sleeve, the one who spent all her time in the woods with her dog and a book, or bringing home wounded animals.
All the the years of shedding the layers of the pain of my toxic home life, and learning to be a whole human being, the best part of it all has been accepting and celebrating the essence of who I am, my path, being a perfect fit in my skin, without the old fear of rejection or judgement...and walking in respect and peace with my brothers and sisters.
The biggest gift of recovery for me has been, finally being free to be me.
As a sibling of seven in my family, I was always the sensitive, empathic and to my sibling, the odd one, the one with her feelings on her sleeve, the one who spent all her time in the woods with her dog and a book, or bringing home wounded animals.
All the the years of shedding the layers of the pain of my toxic home life, and learning to be a whole human being, the best part of it all has been accepting and celebrating the essence of who I am, my path, being a perfect fit in my skin, without the old fear of rejection or judgement...and walking in respect and peace with my brothers and sisters.
Last edited by grateful2b; 02-08-2009 at 10:05 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Anna))) (((Grateful)))
Sorry to hear about your family stuff. My grandmother (dad's mom) is a huge enabler of 2 uncles in CA, and a slew of grandkids. Although it's pretty hard dealing with this stuff f2f, it's not so easy when you're miles and miles away, either. I know the answer, in both cases is, to turn it over to HP, but darned if I'm not always trying to take it back!
I still don't feel much like talking to anyone in the house, except the cats I am not totally ignoring them, but definitely not my chatty-cathy self.
Work was slow, but I got to play with an adorable 11-month-old, who flirted with me. He's bald and has 1 tooth...just the kind to be attracted to me Someone also snuggled in a yorkie puppy, and I got to play with it when they went outside.
Hormones are finally getting back to normal. I no longer want to kiill everyone. This is a very good thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry to hear about your family stuff. My grandmother (dad's mom) is a huge enabler of 2 uncles in CA, and a slew of grandkids. Although it's pretty hard dealing with this stuff f2f, it's not so easy when you're miles and miles away, either. I know the answer, in both cases is, to turn it over to HP, but darned if I'm not always trying to take it back!
I still don't feel much like talking to anyone in the house, except the cats
I am not totally ignoring them, but definitely not my chatty-cathy self.Work was slow, but I got to play with an adorable 11-month-old, who flirted with me. He's bald and has 1 tooth...just the kind to be attracted to me
Someone also snuggled in a yorkie puppy, and I got to play with it when they went outside.Hormones are finally getting back to normal. I no longer want to kiill everyone. This is a very good thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
So happy for you ((Grateful)) sounds like your finding peace with yourself.
I think I am slowly getting there too, being comfortable in my own skin. I was kind of a loner too as a kid, always on the outside looking in, not quite fitting in. I sometimes still get that feeling to this day when I am around other people, but I have just come to accept it, I am ok with it now. I have always been more comfortable one on one.
I think I am slowly getting there too, being comfortable in my own skin. I was kind of a loner too as a kid, always on the outside looking in, not quite fitting in. I sometimes still get that feeling to this day when I am around other people, but I have just come to accept it, I am ok with it now. I have always been more comfortable one on one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
It can be SO HARD to let go! To let people take responsibility for their own actions, even when it's so evident they're hurting themselves and others. Even hurting you! But so long as we allow them to negatively affect us, prompting us feel guilty for not "doing something", we give them power over us.
I so appreciate the two passages posted here in recent days, about guilt, and about taking care of ourselves...gently. We have so much more to offer when we're not mired in guilt or reaction to a sense of victimization for allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, financially, emotionally, mentally, all.
Weird about the robins being here in February. I've never seen them here anytime between October and March. And here's this small flock I see flittering around the area, I suspect they overwintered, living on berries and such.
I miss my Abbey cat. I miss having my time alone, even though my time alone only lasted for 10 days, it was a start in the direction I wanted to go. I'm scared about the future. I've decided to carry this child and raise it. My mate says he wants to be there to help raise it, but he can't provide for his other five (!) daughters as it is. Besides, he's still married, never completed the divorce to his second wife. I have no plans to be wife #3, and am not sure that I want to be in a relationship that's fraught with so much control and his jealousies and insecurities. I don't want to raise a child in an angry, hostile environment that's ripe with debate about me, the way I am, the way I choose to live. Truly, I want only a simple life, tending my animals and plants and my business. I want my few friends and family to be close. I want to write. I don't want much but I know I can't have it in a relationship with him. And worse, I don't want my child robbed of those same freedoms!
Hey, are we at 500 yet?
I so appreciate the two passages posted here in recent days, about guilt, and about taking care of ourselves...gently. We have so much more to offer when we're not mired in guilt or reaction to a sense of victimization for allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, financially, emotionally, mentally, all.
Weird about the robins being here in February. I've never seen them here anytime between October and March. And here's this small flock I see flittering around the area, I suspect they overwintered, living on berries and such.
I miss my Abbey cat. I miss having my time alone, even though my time alone only lasted for 10 days, it was a start in the direction I wanted to go. I'm scared about the future. I've decided to carry this child and raise it. My mate says he wants to be there to help raise it, but he can't provide for his other five (!) daughters as it is. Besides, he's still married, never completed the divorce to his second wife. I have no plans to be wife #3, and am not sure that I want to be in a relationship that's fraught with so much control and his jealousies and insecurities. I don't want to raise a child in an angry, hostile environment that's ripe with debate about me, the way I am, the way I choose to live. Truly, I want only a simple life, tending my animals and plants and my business. I want my few friends and family to be close. I want to write. I don't want much but I know I can't have it in a relationship with him. And worse, I don't want my child robbed of those same freedoms!
Hey, are we at 500 yet?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
