Codependency and Beyond
Leap of Faith Survivor
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Financial Responsibility
February 5
We are responsible for ourselves financially.
What a frightening, grown-up thought that is for many of us - taking responsibility for money and our financial affairs. For many of us, handing over responsibility for our financial affairs has been part of a codependent trade-off in our relationships.
Some of our emotional dependency on others, on this tight tie that binds us to others, not in love, but in need and desperation, is directly related to financial dependency. Our fears and reluctance to take responsibility for our financial affairs can be a barrier to the freedom we're seeking in recovery.
Financial responsibility is an attitude. Money goes out to pay for necessities and luxuries. Money must come in, in order to go out. How much needs to come in to equal that which is going out?
Taxes....savings plans....appropriate spending habits that demonstrate an attitude of financial responsibility...Part of being alive means learning to handle money. Even if we have a healthy contract with someone that allows us to depend on him or her for money, we still need to understand how money works. We still need to adopt an attitude of responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have a contract with someone else to provide for our financial needs, we need to understand the workings of the money earned and spent in our life.
Self-esteem will increase when we increase our sense of being financially responsible for ourselves. We can start where we are, with what we have today.
God, help me become willing to let go of my fears and reluctance to face the necessary parts of handling money responsibly in my life. Show me the lessons I need to learn about money.
Financial Responsibility
February 5
We are responsible for ourselves financially.
What a frightening, grown-up thought that is for many of us - taking responsibility for money and our financial affairs. For many of us, handing over responsibility for our financial affairs has been part of a codependent trade-off in our relationships.
Some of our emotional dependency on others, on this tight tie that binds us to others, not in love, but in need and desperation, is directly related to financial dependency. Our fears and reluctance to take responsibility for our financial affairs can be a barrier to the freedom we're seeking in recovery.
Financial responsibility is an attitude. Money goes out to pay for necessities and luxuries. Money must come in, in order to go out. How much needs to come in to equal that which is going out?
Taxes....savings plans....appropriate spending habits that demonstrate an attitude of financial responsibility...Part of being alive means learning to handle money. Even if we have a healthy contract with someone that allows us to depend on him or her for money, we still need to understand how money works. We still need to adopt an attitude of responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have a contract with someone else to provide for our financial needs, we need to understand the workings of the money earned and spent in our life.
Self-esteem will increase when we increase our sense of being financially responsible for ourselves. We can start where we are, with what we have today.
God, help me become willing to let go of my fears and reluctance to face the necessary parts of handling money responsibly in my life. Show me the lessons I need to learn about money.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Financial responsibility was always a big problem with me. Even when I was a nurse, making fairly good money, I was totally IRresponsible. I can see, again in hindsight, that I used it many times as a way of self-sabotage. I was so comfortable with chaos in my life, that if there wasn't enough in my relationship or elsewhere, I would create it with money.
These days, I make less money than I have in decades, with the job I have. However, I am much, much more financially responsible and I just have to giggle, sometimes, at how good it feels
If I look at the big picture, I would be overwhelmed. My past due debts are close to $15,000. However, as Anvil often reminds me "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time".
This is one area where I can see my recovery working in black and white..no past due notices, no late fees. The last sentence of today's reading is so true...it has been a huge self-esteem builder, for me, to become financially responsible.
I'm still struggling, but with today's economy, I think most people are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
These days, I make less money than I have in decades, with the job I have. However, I am much, much more financially responsible and I just have to giggle, sometimes, at how good it feels
If I look at the big picture, I would be overwhelmed. My past due debts are close to $15,000. However, as Anvil often reminds me "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time".
This is one area where I can see my recovery working in black and white..no past due notices, no late fees. The last sentence of today's reading is so true...it has been a huge self-esteem builder, for me, to become financially responsible.
I'm still struggling, but with today's economy, I think most people are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
This one is a touchy one for me. In the past my daughter had alot of money problems, and sometimes we would help her out and quite often she would pay back. But it was always a nightmare, her phoning all desperate, putting me in that most uncomfortable spot, because I knew she was in that situation because of her choices. Sometimes I would have to send her money secretly, because my h would get very upset. So it was causing me to be dishonest and that felt horrible. She put me in the middle..
Anyway, its been quite awhile since she has phoned for money, thank God, but I am always holding my breathe that something could happen anytime and she would be in a fix. But I can't go there anymore, just thinking about it makes me feel very anxious. She is 38 now and she's responsible for herself......
Anyway, its been quite awhile since she has phoned for money, thank God, but I am always holding my breathe that something could happen anytime and she would be in a fix. But I can't go there anymore, just thinking about it makes me feel very anxious. She is 38 now and she's responsible for herself......
Leap of Faith Survivor
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me too, SG
while I am financially responsible, paying the bills before I play...I have been on a fixed income for some time, and my challenge is in the relationship I have with money.
I realised at one point, that my resentment towards money was getting in the way of the flow
I looked at what I really thought about money and all the feelings I had about it and I was shocked..so much ambivalance..lol
so now, I try to be more conscientious about my attitude towards money..( sorry, if this sounds too new agey) but I have noticed a difference in the flow when I don't hold on too tight and when I don't attach too much importance to it..I try to keep telling myself, its just another form of energy....
while I am financially responsible, paying the bills before I play...I have been on a fixed income for some time, and my challenge is in the relationship I have with money.
I realised at one point, that my resentment towards money was getting in the way of the flow
I looked at what I really thought about money and all the feelings I had about it and I was shocked..so much ambivalance..lol
so now, I try to be more conscientious about my attitude towards money..( sorry, if this sounds too new agey) but I have noticed a difference in the flow when I don't hold on too tight and when I don't attach too much importance to it..I try to keep telling myself, its just another form of energy....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Terrific reading for me today. Through the years I have had to depend on my parents to some extent off and on. Now with my health issues, I've had no choice.
Every morning after I've had my coffee and I start getting out my college work for the day, I smile and remember what I am working towards, and it feels good.
I am really excited about this new phase in my life!
Every morning after I've had my coffee and I start getting out my college work for the day, I smile and remember what I am working towards, and it feels good.
I am really excited about this new phase in my life!
Leap of Faith Survivor
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The first thing I do when I get up is raise the blinds to let the morning sun in, and my girls(cats) are on the sun beams on the floor in a matter of seconds.
this morning, I got down on the floor with my Callie, and lay there with her in that sunbeam, cuddling...
they are always back and forth throughout the day for snuggles, but I have been so busy lately, and haven't being making time for those just-being-in-the-moment moments , and they are masters of that....sigh...it was wonderful...
this morning, I got down on the floor with my Callie, and lay there with her in that sunbeam, cuddling...
they are always back and forth throughout the day for snuggles, but I have been so busy lately, and haven't being making time for those just-being-in-the-moment moments , and they are masters of that....sigh...it was wonderful...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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I LOVE my earplugs...thanks for reminding me about them (((G2B)))!! I slept for almost 12 hours!! I just barely heard Mots meowing outside my door, and he and the other cats have been sleeping with me. When I woke up and saw it was already noon, I was amazed!
The cough medicine has done the trick..haven't been coughing at all. I've been taking it, as prescribed, and had forgotten that hydrocodone actually makes my stomach upset, nowadays, so that's a GOOD thing. It's just a little nausea, but nothing like a little reminder that it's not something I need to get used to taking!
I buy my cigarettes by the carton, and Brit wanted to get a pack, stepmom would give me the money. Told her I didn't have any extra. I might, but she's been such a little brat, I'm not going to look to see if I have them. She said "REALLY? OMG, I only have like 2-3 cigarettes left, I'll DIE!!!" Of course, she's been sick, on death's door all day, but is going out to eat with friends. I figure stepmom allows her to smoke, THEY can get her darned cigarettes. NOT my problem.
I haven't done one darned thing that I'd planned on doing these 3 days off. However, I apparently needed a little R&R, so I'm not going to feel guilty about it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The cough medicine has done the trick..haven't been coughing at all. I've been taking it, as prescribed, and had forgotten that hydrocodone actually makes my stomach upset, nowadays, so that's a GOOD thing. It's just a little nausea, but nothing like a little reminder that it's not something I need to get used to taking!
I buy my cigarettes by the carton, and Brit wanted to get a pack, stepmom would give me the money. Told her I didn't have any extra. I might, but she's been such a little brat, I'm not going to look to see if I have them. She said "REALLY? OMG, I only have like 2-3 cigarettes left, I'll DIE!!!" Of course, she's been sick, on death's door all day, but is going out to eat with friends. I figure stepmom allows her to smoke, THEY can get her darned cigarettes. NOT my problem.
I haven't done one darned thing that I'd planned on doing these 3 days off. However, I apparently needed a little R&R, so I'm not going to feel guilty about it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I got a call from work. It was Marilyn, the manager I've had difficulty with. She said "there's a mandatory meeting, tomorrow at 4 o'clock. I just found out at the last minute, which is why I'm letting you know at the last minute". She did NOT sound happy. I just said "okay. Bye".
I was fine, at first. I figure Derek just wants to clarify what he expects from 2nd shift.
Then the codie in me struck...what if I'm in trouble, what if......
I was jotting an e-mail to D, who is a supervisor who has become a friend. I realize that IF I was in trouble, Derek would be talking to ME, not having a meeting. I just talked with him, 2 days ago, and we are on the same page about what needs to be happening on 2nd shift.
There are things Marilyn COULD say that could get me in trouble..yes, I do sometimes sneak people a free cup of chili or whatever (but she has no proof). Besides that, she does the same thing. I have NOT done this, though, in recent weeks, even though her "pet" employees have.
So, I think I have calmed myself down, for the most part. It's just aggravating that the codie in me still comes up and thinks "OMG, I'm in trouble". This goes back to my first "real" job..the only time our boss talked to us, WAS when we were in trouble.
I know it's insecurity and it's invalid. I'm going back to what my mom-Kay always tells me..."God has you in the palm of his hand" and the picture in my head that goes with it. I usually save that for the big stuff, but it seems to be working, now.
This shouldn't be such a big deal, but it has gotten me rattled a bit...so I guess I'll go say the serenity prayer a time or two..or a hundred
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was fine, at first. I figure Derek just wants to clarify what he expects from 2nd shift.
Then the codie in me struck...what if I'm in trouble, what if......
I was jotting an e-mail to D, who is a supervisor who has become a friend. I realize that IF I was in trouble, Derek would be talking to ME, not having a meeting. I just talked with him, 2 days ago, and we are on the same page about what needs to be happening on 2nd shift.
There are things Marilyn COULD say that could get me in trouble..yes, I do sometimes sneak people a free cup of chili or whatever (but she has no proof). Besides that, she does the same thing. I have NOT done this, though, in recent weeks, even though her "pet" employees have.
So, I think I have calmed myself down, for the most part. It's just aggravating that the codie in me still comes up and thinks "OMG, I'm in trouble". This goes back to my first "real" job..the only time our boss talked to us, WAS when we were in trouble.
I know it's insecurity and it's invalid. I'm going back to what my mom-Kay always tells me..."God has you in the palm of his hand" and the picture in my head that goes with it. I usually save that for the big stuff, but it seems to be working, now.
This shouldn't be such a big deal, but it has gotten me rattled a bit...so I guess I'll go say the serenity prayer a time or two..or a hundred
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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((Amy)), if I was in your spot, I would be a little freaked out too..because of the drama that goes on at your work...just try and remind yourself of who you are and what you do, and the relationship you have with Derek...and give yourself permission to let the rest of it go...nothing you can do right now anyway, and no point in torturing yourself by awfulizing...big hugs and prayers....
maybe she is the one in trouble...
maybe she is the one in trouble...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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oh, she is definitely in trouble. Keisha (another manager and friend) said that after Derek got off the phone with me, the other day, he said "WTF is up with Marilyn, has she lost her friggin MIND?" He also told me "I'm so tired of this BS" and he was talking about how she runs the shift.
Even knowing all this, I still have the "but what if's" running through my head. I've given myself a time limit..30 minutes, then I'm letting it go and will distract my mind
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Even knowing all this, I still have the "but what if's" running through my head. I've given myself a time limit..30 minutes, then I'm letting it go and will distract my mind
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
oh, she is definitely in trouble. Keisha (another manager and friend) said that after Derek got off the phone with me, the other day, he said "WTF is up with Marilyn, has she lost her friggin MIND?" He also told me "I'm so tired of this BS" and he was talking about how she runs the shift.
Even knowing all this, I still have the "but what if's" running through my head. I've given myself a time limit..30 minutes, then I'm letting it go and will distract my mind
hugs and prayers!
Amy
Even knowing all this, I still have the "but what if's" running through my head. I've given myself a time limit..30 minutes, then I'm letting it go and will distract my mind
hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Amy, I don't know if this is your experience, but in situations like that, its all the drama that stresses me..I have a little ptsd so even if I know where it all is, and I'm okay in my spot, its the stress of possible conflict between the people around me and how that in turn can affect me, that can make me anxious..so I have to do the work around that and be very protective of myself and try and sidestep all the bs.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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I think you just nailed it ((G2B)) - I HATE conflict...always have. I've known things are going to be strained between Marilyn and I and have been dreading it. In the past, I would have not said anything to Derek, in order to avoid the conflict, even knowing that would make me more miserable.
I've been telling myself that this is progress..that I stood up for myself and another coworker, knowing there would be conflict. There is no way to make Marilyn happy without making myself miserable, and I'm no longer willing to do that.
As with everything else in my life, I have faith that this will work out exactly the way it's supposed to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've been telling myself that this is progress..that I stood up for myself and another coworker, knowing there would be conflict. There is no way to make Marilyn happy without making myself miserable, and I'm no longer willing to do that.
As with everything else in my life, I have faith that this will work out exactly the way it's supposed to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Originally Posted by grateful2b
Here is Part 1: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nymous-19.html
We made it!!
When I started this thread, I had hoped for a place where I could come and talk about Codependency as it has impacted my life. This thread has been that and more, and it has been such a joy to be a part of. Thank you to everyone, who has been a part of this blessed thread and a warm welcome to all those who have yet to discover our little corner of SR
.
We made it!!
When I started this thread, I had hoped for a place where I could come and talk about Codependency as it has impacted my life. This thread has been that and more, and it has been such a joy to be a part of. Thank you to everyone, who has been a part of this blessed thread and a warm welcome to all those who have yet to discover our little corner of SR
.
You've made it!!!
Thank you for your hard work and dedication. It's because of those traits that your dreams have come true. And your forethought and service has benefitted many. So, thank you!
Shalom!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Guess what? I missed the extended deadline on a test due to my struggling with the current 'crazies' that I am praying to God will pass within the next week or so since being off the pain pills post-op. I completely clinched up and could not concentrate.
I'm not devastated. I'll just work harder the rest of the semester.
I couldn't give what my head did not have.
I'm not devastated. I'll just work harder the rest of the semester.
I couldn't give what my head did not have.
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