godsonmyside

Chapter 3

WHY ARE WE HERE?

Before coming to the Fellowship of N.A., we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problem. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Most of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.
After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
We are addicts seeking recovery. We used drugs to cover up our feelings, and did whatever was necessary to get them. Many of us woke up sick, unable to make it to work, or went to work loaded. Many of us stole to support our habit. We hurt the ones we loved. We did all these things and told ourselves, "We can handle it". We were looking for a way out. We couldn't face life on its own terms. In the beginning, using was fun. For us it became a habit and finally was necessary for survival. The progression of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of destruction, unaware of where it was leading us. We were addicts and did not know it. Through drugs we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery. When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems and that they were becoming worse. We sought relief by using again and again - more drugs, more often.
We sought help and found none. Often doctors didn't understand our dilemma; they tried to help by giving us medication. Our husbands, wives and loved ones gave us what they had and drained themselves in the hope that we would stop using or get better. We tried substituting one drug for another, but this only prolonged our pain. We tried limiting our usage to "social" amounts without success. There is no such thing as a "social addict". Some of us sought an answer through churches, religions or cultism. Some sought a cure by geographic change, blaming our surroundings and living situations for our problems. This attempt only gave us a chance to take advantage of new people. Some of us sought approval through sex or change of friends. This approval-seeking carried us further into our addiction. Some of us tried marriage, divorce or desertion. Regardless of what we tried, we could not escape from our disease.
We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause. Our worth to our jobs, families and friends was little or none. Many of us were unemployed and unemployable. Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar. We didn't know what to do. As the self-loathing grew, we needed to use more and more to mask our feelings. We were sick and tired of pain and trouble. We were frightened and ran from the fear. No matter how far we ran, we always carried the fear with us. We were hopeless, useless and lost. Failure had become our way of life and self-esteem was nonexistent. Perhaps the most painful of all was the desperation of loneliness. Isolation and the denial of our addiction kept us moving along this downhill path. Any hope of getting better disappeared. Helplessness, emptiness and fear became our way of life. We were complete failures. Personality change was what we really needed. Change from self-destructive patterns of life became necessary. When we lied, cheated or stole, we degraded ourselves in our own eyes. We had had enough of self-destruction. We experienced how powerless we really are. When nothing relieved our paranoia and fear, we hit bottom and became ready to ask for help.
We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Narcotics Anonymous. We came to our first N.A. meeting in defeat and didn't know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we began to feel that people cared and were willing to help. Although our minds told us we would never make it, the people in the Fellowship gave us hope by insisting we could recover. We found that no matter what our past thoughts or actions were, others had felt and done the same. Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone. Recovery is what happens in our meetings; each of our lives is at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the Program works.
We faced three disturbing realizations:

1. We are powerless over addiction and our lives are unmanageable;
2. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are
responsible for our recovery;
3. We can no longer blame people, places and things for our
addiction. We must face our problems and our feelings.

The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict. We concentrate on recovery and how we feel, not what we have done in the past. Old friends, places and ideas are often a threat to our recovery. We need to change our playmates, playgrounds and playthings.

Gooch

This single sentence has given me so many light bulb moments. I wonder why it took me so long to recognize the relevance to my life? Maybe because I had the blamethrower turned up so high all those years.

eddie z.

Blamethrower? :Lmao

Love and hugs,
Eddie

cj.

In my past, I always put drugs first. And we all know what happens when we do that! I only ended up destroying myself and others around me, even when I tried really hard not to. It wasn't my intention to hurt myself or to hurt others, but it never failed to happen. I came to understand that my disease does not respect my intentions. In fact, my disease respects nothing that is good for me.

Even in recovery, my disease tries to sneak into the goodness and mess that up too. But if I continue to use the best known weapon against it, another recovering addict, and put the principles of the Program ahead of my selfish nature, I have a good chance to live clean and free for another day.

Peace
cj

eddie z.

Tell me about it! Thanks for sharing again, cj!

I'm off soon to Recovery in the Rough! I'll see you all Sunday!
RITR NA campout!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

lizzerz79

Taking responsibility for my life is what got me into NA. I realized that I could no longer blame everything around me for my problems. I realized that I was the one causing it all. I also realized that I had no idea what to do about that. I asked God to help me because I did not know what the hell I was doing. I could get clean (even for long periods of time) but I could not stay clean and my using was getting worse and worse with every relapse. God showed me the NA program. I still remember that light bulb moment when I realized that the common denominator in all my problems was me! I had spent my whole life blaming other people, places, and things for everything. I always thought if only I could move, or if only this person would change, or if I could have that then I would be able to be happy. But none of that ever worked. It never made any difference. I was sharing last night at my group about how I had everything the way I thought I wanted it once and I STILL wasn't happy. I found something else to bitch about. Anyway since I have taken on the responsibilty for my state of being and am no longer relying on anyone or anything else (other than God, my Higher Power) for my happiness I am a lot happier. I don't have all the stress that I used to have in my life. It's not perfect and I do still have my moments but it's nothing like what it used to be. Now I look back and I can't believe what I was doing. How on earth did I ever think I was going to be able to control or change everything around me so I could be happy? Totally crazy.

eddie z.

Thanks for sharing, Linzy!!

Love and s,
Eddie

Imagine

1. We are powerless over addiction and our lives are unmanageable;
2. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are
responsible for our recovery;
3. We can no longer blame people, places and things for our
addiction. We must face our problems and our feelings.
My life being unmanageable was an understatement, it was totally out of control and headed to a dead end. I was glad to hear I was not responsible for my addiction, I got pissed off hearing I was responsible for my recovery. I wanted someone else to handle it for me. It was my daddy's fault for not being there for me when I needed him, I grew up downtown Atlanta in the 70's and drugs was everywhere, it was the other people fault that tempted me with them. Not being willing to face my problems and my feelings was the reason why I used. Accepting my responsibilities and working daily on expressing my feeling is how I stay shane. And Why I am here is because I want to live. This is the greatest gift I have received sence I have been here.

Time2Surrender

Yes,I would say at one time my life was definately unmanageable.Today,my life is good.
This is exactly how I felt before I got clean
It works for me

eddie z.

Quite literally, huh? Thanks for sharing, Jerome!!

And thank you, too, Mike!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

godsonmyside

When we realized we are not able to manage on our own, some of us immediately began experiencing depression, anxiety, hostility and resentment. Petty frustrations, minor setbacks and loneliness often made us feel that we were not getting any better. We found that we suffered from a disease, not a moral dilemma. We were critically ill, not hopelessly bad. Our disease can only be arrested through abstinence.
Today we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed with very little in between. Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided and problems are solved. It is a great gift to feel human again.
What a change from the way we used to be! That's how we know that the N.A. program works. It is the first thing that ever convinced us that we needed to change ourselves, instead of trying to change the people and situations around us. We discover new opportunities. We find a sense of self-worth. We learn self-respect. This is a program for doing just those things. By working the steps, we come to accept a Higher Power's will; this acceptance leads us to recovery. We lose our fear of the unknown. We are set free.

eddie z.

I call this "false bipolar." I think the ups and downs we experience in our using cause a lot of addicts to be diagnosed as bipolar when they really aren't. Take me as an example of this. I was treated for bipolar disorder for years when I was still using, but once I had been clean a few months, it became apparent that my mania was probably drug-induced and that I really only suffered from depression. I'm not saying that a lot of addicts AREN'T also bipolar. I just don't think it's as many as some people think.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

Gooch

I agree Eddy I agree.

eddie z.

Thanks, Gooch! That's one of my personal pet theories. LOL.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

Imagine

[It is a great gift to feel human again.]
It's also a great gift to know I am human. Thanks Todd, this is where I'm at in my recovery. [ Today we experience a full range of feelings.] Yes we do, like I'm not moody enought.

godsonmyside

I am not confused about this today, Life is awesome!!
Todd J

eddie z.

Thanks again for sharing, Jerome!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

godsonmyside

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction,
that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to
the care of God as we understood Her.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being
the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Her to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became
willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were
wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our
conscious contact with God as we understood Her, praying only
for knowledge of Her will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice
these principles in all our affairs.

This sounds like a big order, and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember - EASY DOES IT.
There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. With these we are well on our way.
We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.
The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.
Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to N.A., many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.
These are some of the questions we have asked ourselves: Are we sure we want to stop using? Do we understand that we have no real control over drugs? Do we recognize that in the long run, we didn't use drugs—they used us? Did jails and institutions take over the management of our lives at different times? Do we fully accept the fact that our every attempt to stop using or control our using failed? Do we know that our addiction changed us into something we didn't want to be: dishonest, deceitful, self- willed people at odds with ourselves and our fellow man? Do we really believe that, as drug users, we have failed?
When we were using, reality became so painful that oblivion was preferable. We tried to keep other people from knowing about our pain. We isolated ourselves, and lived in prisons built out of our loneliness. Through this desperation we sought help in Narcotics Anonymous. When we come to Narcotics Anonymous we are physically, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt. We have hurt long enough that we are willing to go to any length to stay clean.
Our only hope is to live by the example of those who have faced our dilemma, and have found a way out. Regardless of who we are, where we came from, or what we have done, we are accepted in Narcotics Anonymous. Our addiction gives us a common ground for understanding one another.
As a result of attending a few meetings, we begin to feel like we finally belong. It is in these meetings that we are introduced to the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. We learn to work them in the order they are written and to use them on a daily basis. The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defense, for addiction is a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make our recovery possible.


Ok now we will go through the 12 steps!!
Peace,
Todd J.

eddie z.

Ouch! This reminds me that I need to get crackin' on my 9th Step. I am hoping it will free me of some of the guilt I have over my actions in my work life, like stealing from patients. But I am having trouble getting motivated to answer the questions in the workbook this time for some reason. I want to just do the Step, you know?

Love and hugs,
Eddie

godsonmyside

And you will!! Whats holding you back? Whats happened since the willingness from the 8th Step? Why is it so hard today to move on?

Love you Eddie,
It'll happen, Did you list procrastination in step 6, did you humbly ask and Pray for the removal in the 7th step? LOL

I'm having problems getting through my 6th step, I have 64 Character Defects I am Identifying and working Step 2 in our step Group, and Step 1 with a Sponsee. Most my Defects have been dormant, but can release at any giving time.

Peace,
Todd J.

P.S. I'm full of it tonight!!!!!!