Basic Text Study!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
I don't have too many "I nevers" and believe me, that can make you feel just as alone at times.
When I first got clean, someone (a small group of people) from this area told me that I didn't belong here. That I needed to go back to the city because they didn't want someone like me here "working the rooms like I worked the streets". In other words, they didn't want me near their men.
I enjoy going into the city and sometimes to NYC for meetings. I get to meet other women who went to the extremes that I did. I know there were other women, there were plenty of them working the same strip I did, and living in the same abandoned houses that I did.
Just not too many of us that made it out alive. I am very grateful that I did.
When I first got clean, someone (a small group of people) from this area told me that I didn't belong here. That I needed to go back to the city because they didn't want someone like me here "working the rooms like I worked the streets". In other words, they didn't want me near their men.
I enjoy going into the city and sometimes to NYC for meetings. I get to meet other women who went to the extremes that I did. I know there were other women, there were plenty of them working the same strip I did, and living in the same abandoned houses that I did.
Just not too many of us that made it out alive. I am very grateful that I did.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
lol Eddie...you put smiles on my face! Thanks
I'm ready too...i think
I remember being told that i didn't belong out there in the chaos i was living..Well, that put a fire under my seat..what do you mean i don't belong?
I didn't feel that i fit anywhere...so tell me, as an addict, that i can't do something and i'm going to try that much harder to do it!!
I have an allergy alright...when i use I wake up in crackhouses...gutters...treatment centres....
Today I will not do drugs!!!
\\//Wendy
I'm ready too...i think
I remember being told that i didn't belong out there in the chaos i was living..Well, that put a fire under my seat..what do you mean i don't belong?
I didn't feel that i fit anywhere...so tell me, as an addict, that i can't do something and i'm going to try that much harder to do it!!
I have an allergy alright...when i use I wake up in crackhouses...gutters...treatment centres....
Today I will not do drugs!!!
\\//Wendy
An Addict name Jerome.......
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Whitesburg, Georgia
Posts: 184
"Addiction is a disease which involves more than simple drug use. Some of us believe that our disease was present long before the first time we used."
When I did my first 4th step I could see how true this is for me. I started useing at 13, before the first drug I picked up I was looking for something to fill that void in my soul. I got into shoplifting for the thrill of getting away with it. I would go around people that would have me doing things that would make me feel dirty, but also wanted. That feeling of impending doom would fill me with so much fear that I just wanted to find I place to hide. Drugs took me to that place. Learning how to accept life on life's terms, and forgiving myself filled that void and took care of that impending doom feeling, and is taking this addict to a higher place. Think you HP, and think you NA.
When I did my first 4th step I could see how true this is for me. I started useing at 13, before the first drug I picked up I was looking for something to fill that void in my soul. I got into shoplifting for the thrill of getting away with it. I would go around people that would have me doing things that would make me feel dirty, but also wanted. That feeling of impending doom would fill me with so much fear that I just wanted to find I place to hide. Drugs took me to that place. Learning how to accept life on life's terms, and forgiving myself filled that void and took care of that impending doom feeling, and is taking this addict to a higher place. Think you HP, and think you NA.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by Imagine
I would go around people that would have me doing things that would make me feel dirty, but also wanted.
You're welcome, Wendy!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
oh brother...can i relate to that...i'm positive my addiction started with stealing...even candy and stuff from the local corner store. I could never tell my parents why i did it when they asked either. I couldn't tell them because i truly didn't know.
Thank God i've lost the need to do that..not to mention the need to escape myself in drugs.
Ya, handcuffs to Namommy!
Thank God i've lost the need to do that..not to mention the need to escape myself in drugs.
Ya, handcuffs to Namommy!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Originally Posted by namommy
I don't have too many "I nevers" and believe me, that can make you feel just as alone at times.
.
.
I know I quoted myself here, but I needed to share this.
Sometimes I feel alone and as if I were to far gone to relate to some of the people in my area. I wonder why I stay here, and put up with being put down at times.
God let me know why today. I got a call from a friend (another addict) and she asked me if I would mind if she gave one of her sponsees my phone number. She is a newcomer, and trying to do this. She is going through some issues with prostituting herself during her addiction. My friend said I am the only one she can think of to refer her to. I am the only one in this area that she knows of that has gone through this.
If I can help this one girl get through her sh*t, by sharing mine with her, then that is why God has me stay here. You never know when someone is going to come along that needs someone to relate to.
Vision of Hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Whos An Addict?
At first, we were using in a manner which seemed to be social or at least controllable with little indication of the disaster which the future held for us. At some point, our using became uncontrollable and antisocial. This began when things were going well and we were in situations that allowed us to use frequently. This was usually the end of the good times. We may have tried to moderate, substitute, or even stop using, but we went from a state of drugged success and well-being to complete spiritual, mental and emotional bankruptcy. This rate of decline varies from addict to addict. Whether it is years or days, it is all downhill. Those of us who don't die from the disease will go on to prison, mental institutions or complete demoralization as the disease progresses.
Drugs had given us the feeling that we could handle whatever situation might develop. We became aware, however, that drugs were largely responsible for having gotten us into our very worst predicaments. Some of us may spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime or a crime committed while using.
We had to reach our bottom before we became willing to stop. We were much more motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction. It was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using. It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the face.
Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people with whom we were close. We were very dependent on them to carry us emotionally through life. We felt angry, disappointed and hurt when they had other interests, friends and loved ones. We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and we weren't too thrilled about the present. After years of searching, we were more unhappy and less satisfied than when it all began.
Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. We had given up ever stopping. Our attempts to stay clean had always failed, causing us pain and misery.
As addicts, we have an incurable disease called addiction which is chronic, progressive and fatal. However, it is a treatable disease. We feel that each individual alone has to answer the question, "Am I an addict?" How we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us. We are concerned with recovery.
We begin to treat our addiction by not using. Many of us sought answers but failed to find any workable solution until we found each other. Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible. We can see a little of ourselves in every addict and a little bit of them in us. This insight lets us help one another. Our futures seemed hopeless until we found clean addicts who were willing to share with us. Denial of our addiction was what had kept us sick, and our honest admission enabled us to stop using. The people of Narcotics Anonymous told us that they were recovering addicts who had learned to live without drugs. If they could do it, so could we.
The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and death. Unfortunately, our disease makes us deny our addiction. If you are an addict, you too can find a new way of life through the N.A. program that would not otherwise be possible. We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our lives have become useful, through abstinence and by working the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.
We realize that we are never cured and carry the disease within us all our lives. We have a disease from which we do recover. Each day we are given another chance. We are convinced that there is only one way for us to live, and that is the N.A. way.
Drugs had given us the feeling that we could handle whatever situation might develop. We became aware, however, that drugs were largely responsible for having gotten us into our very worst predicaments. Some of us may spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime or a crime committed while using.
We had to reach our bottom before we became willing to stop. We were much more motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction. It was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using. It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the face.
Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people with whom we were close. We were very dependent on them to carry us emotionally through life. We felt angry, disappointed and hurt when they had other interests, friends and loved ones. We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and we weren't too thrilled about the present. After years of searching, we were more unhappy and less satisfied than when it all began.
Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. We had given up ever stopping. Our attempts to stay clean had always failed, causing us pain and misery.
As addicts, we have an incurable disease called addiction which is chronic, progressive and fatal. However, it is a treatable disease. We feel that each individual alone has to answer the question, "Am I an addict?" How we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us. We are concerned with recovery.
We begin to treat our addiction by not using. Many of us sought answers but failed to find any workable solution until we found each other. Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible. We can see a little of ourselves in every addict and a little bit of them in us. This insight lets us help one another. Our futures seemed hopeless until we found clean addicts who were willing to share with us. Denial of our addiction was what had kept us sick, and our honest admission enabled us to stop using. The people of Narcotics Anonymous told us that they were recovering addicts who had learned to live without drugs. If they could do it, so could we.
The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and death. Unfortunately, our disease makes us deny our addiction. If you are an addict, you too can find a new way of life through the N.A. program that would not otherwise be possible. We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our lives have become useful, through abstinence and by working the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.
We realize that we are never cured and carry the disease within us all our lives. We have a disease from which we do recover. Each day we are given another chance. We are convinced that there is only one way for us to live, and that is the N.A. way.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
At the end of my using, I was RESIGNED to being an addict. I did not deny that fact. I thought, though, that I could just go on that way. In the months before I got clean, I did call someone one time whom I knew had been addicted, but that was the extent of my efforts to get help.
I stole drugs from my various employers for years, cleverly hiding my tracks (figuratively and literally). There is some question in my mind as to whether I deliberately got busted. My fear and anger at having been caught so quickly turned to gratitude that "IT" was all over.
Maybe I got sloppier and sloppier because I became more and more desperate for the dope. Maybe I didn't care if I was found out by that point. All I know is that to this day I give thanks to my Higher Power that I was caught, even though the person that did it was only acting in his own interest. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Hope this makes some kind of sense.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
I stole drugs from my various employers for years, cleverly hiding my tracks (figuratively and literally). There is some question in my mind as to whether I deliberately got busted. My fear and anger at having been caught so quickly turned to gratitude that "IT" was all over.
Maybe I got sloppier and sloppier because I became more and more desperate for the dope. Maybe I didn't care if I was found out by that point. All I know is that to this day I give thanks to my Higher Power that I was caught, even though the person that did it was only acting in his own interest. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Hope this makes some kind of sense.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
...Jails, institutions, dereliction, and death...
All of the above rang true in my active addiction. I had accepted that I was an addict long before I got clean. I just thought that it meant I was destined to continue living that way and die that way. I didn't know I had a choice.
NA makes a promise. That an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live. It kept that promise.
"We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our live have become useful,..." I look at where I came from, how I was when I got here, and where I am today and I am truly grateful that "I am a recovering addict". I now live a useful, productive life. I no longer harm myself or others in seeking ways to 'feel better'.
For me, there is only one way to live, and that is the NA way.
All of the above rang true in my active addiction. I had accepted that I was an addict long before I got clean. I just thought that it meant I was destined to continue living that way and die that way. I didn't know I had a choice.
NA makes a promise. That an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live. It kept that promise.
"We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our live have become useful,..." I look at where I came from, how I was when I got here, and where I am today and I am truly grateful that "I am a recovering addict". I now live a useful, productive life. I no longer harm myself or others in seeking ways to 'feel better'.
For me, there is only one way to live, and that is the NA way.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by namommy
I had accepted that I was an addict long before I got clean. I just thought that it meant I was destined to continue living that way and die that way.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by godsonmyside
At first, we were using in a manner which seemed to be social or at least controllable with little indication of the disaster which the future held for us.
And, Eddie, I too got deliberately busted. I did it to save my life at the time. Back then I didn't know that recovery was available. So, so sad. But it happened the way it happened - nothing I can do to change the past. I am just grateful that today I have a strong, honest program of recovery. I not only survived the train wreck, today I am thriving.
--phinny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by namommy
I had accepted that I was an addict long before I got clean. I just thought that it meant I was destined to continue living that way and die that way. I didn't know I had a choice.
Thank god that some of us, the lucky ones, do recover.
Amen, Laurie and Eddie.
--phinny
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by Phinneas
And, Eddie, I too got deliberately busted.
Love and hugs,
Eddie :weh
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
Yep, resignation...I ALMOST resigned to staying out there in that hell.
I knew i was an addict and thought ok so this is it...this is what my life is.
Yes, situations led me to use frequently...it was the start of my bottom. It took me almost4 years to find the bottom of my bottom!
"Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. "
This was me!!! a prisoner of my own mind. My guilt and shame kept me out there. Not only did I refuse to face my family, but i refused to face myself. But dang it everywhere i went there I was. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't escape myself. I got to the point that I accepted I was an addict but my life didn't change until I accepted help. Until I was willing to honestly surrender to my disease. That paradox, surrender to win!!
Today I am a grateful addict.
God bless the broken road!!
\\// Wendy
I knew i was an addict and thought ok so this is it...this is what my life is.
Yes, situations led me to use frequently...it was the start of my bottom. It took me almost4 years to find the bottom of my bottom!
"Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. "
This was me!!! a prisoner of my own mind. My guilt and shame kept me out there. Not only did I refuse to face my family, but i refused to face myself. But dang it everywhere i went there I was. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't escape myself. I got to the point that I accepted I was an addict but my life didn't change until I accepted help. Until I was willing to honestly surrender to my disease. That paradox, surrender to win!!
Today I am a grateful addict.
God bless the broken road!!
\\// Wendy
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
I guess you can say I deliberately got busted. I had enough. I spent some time on the steps of a church in the neighborhood I was using in. I prayed that night for God to 'take me out' of this. My intention was for him to let me die that night. I had planned an intentional over-dose. After I had prayed, I got up to go "make some money" and when I got to the corner, someone was behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. It was the warrant unit officer. He knew who I was, but we always played this cat and mouse game of me giving fake names, or turning someone in so he wouldn't bust me. This time, I just sighed and gave him my Police Photo Number. (criminal ID number). He got scared. He thought someone was after me and got me in that car and driving out of the neighborhood before I knew what was happening. When we were away, he pulled over and asked me if I was in danger, was someone after me, did I need protective custody, etc. I told him "No, I'm just tired, I don't want to do this anymore" That was the night I went to jail for the last time. That was the night I was rescued.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by namommy
That was the night I was rescued.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
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