phatomapfel

Today feels like the last straw for me. I was never a drug addict, I get straight A's, I had a wonderful life... or so I made myself believe. My father left when I was 4, My mother is a reformed drug addict as is my dad, and my outter family cares more about taxes then their relatives. Mom had me when she was 19 years old, and she was never very good at her job. She would get high and leave me, or beat me when I wasn't behaving. She would invite strange men over when I was asleep, and would leave me with my alcoholic grandmother who was dating a child molester. I was never safe, always alone, and under her constint scrutany. It was like I was going to be her legacy, I was going to be the thing she finally did right. I was going to be everything she couldn't be, but I guess I didn't turn out right.
We are poor, and I don't have any medicare/health insurance, so going to a doctor is out of the question. I have gone though, just so my mom as she says "could prove there was something wrong with me... that I was a freak". She made me sit in a little room with this ugly man that looked at me funny, just so they could tell me I showed major signs of depression. I shrugged it off, I wasn't a freak, I was normal just like everyone else.... that's when I started getting violent. I didnt know what was going on. I would space out uncontrolably, and with only the slightest warning that I was about to have an outburst. Then I learned about something called Bi- Polar Disorder. Imediatly I tried to tell my mom, a slap in the face and a shove out the door followed. If you ask my mom, she'll tell you I ran away, but ask everyone else and they will tell you, it was partially her own fault.
I met a boy that I absolutely love, and loves me and I tried to get away from my family, but it's not working. I kept having fits, throwing things and ... even attacking my little brother with a pair of knitting needles. I couldn't help it, it's like someone was controlling me. I was useless. I've never felt lower then this, and now.. it turns out I also have a cutting addiction that I'm trying to get over. Mom found out two days ago and now shes telling me to leave. She wont admit that she might have anything to do with my life being the way it is. She doesnt want me anymore, but I have no where else to go. I'm still all alone, and I cant cry, I can only cut... I'm not suicidal, I know I may sound it, but I'm the exact oppisite. I've tried that before, and I know I want to live, I just sometimes wish it wasn't the life I have now...
I dont know if this is a place to come talk to or not, but I needed to get this off my chest, its just weighing me down.. Thanks for listening, or at least pretending to.. Melody

perceptron

sounds like u should just join the military and say "SIYANARA SUCKER!!!" to ur mom

amymarie

(((((Melody)))))

First, welcome to SR...glad you found us...
Second, I too am bi polar, and proud of it.
It may be a symptom of who I am, but that is all...it doesnt make me.
I too am a 'recovering cutter'...
I think you will fit in just fine here...
keep reading, keep posting....
take care of you and leave the rest...

shutterbug

((((((((Melody))))))) You'll discover that we don't pretend to listen here....we actually do listen because we care, because many of us are dealing with the same kinds of things.

I've been diagnosed bipolar, among other things, but nothing you said really made me think of bipolar really. Most bipolars aren't violent....i turn into a b*tch a lot of times, but i haven't been violent since i was a teenager...and even then i never did more than shove or scratch my sister. I'm just saying that it could be something else....heck, it could just be adolecence and your environment....only a doctor can really say.

And i don't have insurance or money right now either, but in my state there is a free mental health clinic that i am able to go to and i get all my meds for $15 a month and get free monthly visits with a psychiatrist and weekly visits with a counselor....you might call human services in your area and ask someone. Because especially if you are under 18....most states will provide services.

In the meantime.....what symptoms do you have that make you think you are bipolar?

Also check out the information below because a depression support group could be really beneficial to you.

Hugs,
Jenna

phatomapfel

To answer your question shutterbug, I asked my school health counseler about it because we had become good friends. She talked with me, and I told her about my family life, and she said that even though I was violent.... it was other signs like... quick changes in emotions and all the stuff that came with that.... I think what really got her was that whole trapted feeling like I knew I was doing something wrong but couldnt stop... *shrugs* All I know is she said it was like bi and I went with what she said.... from a doctors perspective I have been diagnosed with a major case of depression....

wiscgirl30

((Melody)) How old are you? You are still in high school? I just started this site, but I like it a lot. People seem really nice here, and if nothing else, it is nice just to get stuff out. Im sorry you have had such a rough family life, and I hope things get better. Please try to talk to your school counselor some more about where you could get some help and how you might be able to be analyzed by a psychiatrist and maybe started on meds if so indicated....

shutterbug

Melody...i'm not saying that you aren't bipolar....i'm just saying there are many, many different ailments that can cause the same symptoms like the mood swings. And even after 3 diagnosises by medical doctors and a 4-hour diagnostic study, and 15 months of taking medications for bipolar disorder (and researching bipolar disorder) I still am not 100 percent sure i am bipolar. I have also been diagnosed with adult ADD (which also mimics bipolar disorder) AND sleep apnea (which also mimics bipolar disorder).

Just tonight i went and had my blood drawn for a physical work-up to check for thyroid malfunction, anemia and/or blood sugar problems.

And i'm one who can tell you exactly what extreme highs and lows of bipolar disorder is about because after i came out of the hospital the first time I was going up and down (very drastically) in the course of a single sentence.

All I'm saying is #1, even if you trust your h.s. counselor.....she or he is NOT a liscensed psychiatrist or even a medical doctor. Even medical doctors are not the go-to guys for mental illness. YOU NEED TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST!!!!!!!!

And then you need to start educating yourself about bipolar disorder and how to maintain it and recognize your cycles if you are bipolar.

I'll come back in a minute and post a list i posted else where of things that CAN mimic bipolar disorder and that i believe SHOULD be eliminated as possible causes for the symptoms (even after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, i am still checking down this list to make sure there's not something i'm missing which could hender my getting better)

Anyway ((((Welcome)))) to SR and i'm so very glad to see you came back! There are a great many super nice folks here who also know a great deal.

Hugs,
JEnna

RX-7

goto your health and welfare office they can help and you can get evaluated and meds and help for free no insurance or money needed. i have been with them for a year and a half. and they can help.