phatomapfel

Today feels like the last straw for me. I was never a drug addict, I get straight A's, I had a wonderful life... or so I made myself believe. My father left when I was 4, My mother is a reformed drug addict as is my dad, and my outter family cares more about taxes then their relatives. Mom had me when she was 19 years old, and she was never very good at her job. She would get high and leave me, or beat me when I wasn't behaving. She would invite strange men over when I was asleep, and would leave me with my alcoholic grandmother who was dating a child molester. I was never safe, always alone, and under her constint scrutany. It was like I was going to be her legacy, I was going to be the thing she finally did right. I was going to be everything she couldn't be, but I guess I didn't turn out right.
We are poor, and I don't have any medicare/health insurance, so going to a doctor is out of the question. I have gone though, just so my mom as she says "could prove there was something wrong with me... that I was a freak". She made me sit in a little room with this ugly man that looked at me funny, just so they could tell me I showed major signs of depression. I shrugged it off, I wasn't a freak, I was normal just like everyone else.... that's when I started getting violent. I didnt know what was going on. I would space out uncontrolably, and with only the slightest warning that I was about to have an outburst. Then I learned about something called Bi- Polar Disorder. Imediatly I tried to tell my mom, a slap in the face and a shove out the door followed. If you ask my mom, she'll tell you I ran away, but ask everyone else and they will tell you, it was partially her own fault.
I met a boy that I absolutely love, and loves me and I tried to get away from my family, but it's not working. I kept having fits, throwing things and ... even attacking my little brother with a pair of knitting needles. I couldn't help it, it's like someone was controlling me. I was useless. I've never felt lower then this, and now.. it turns out I also have a cutting addiction that I'm trying to get over. Mom found out two days ago and now shes telling me to leave. She wont admit that she might have anything to do with my life being the way it is. She doesnt want me anymore, but I have no where else to go. I'm still all alone, and I cant cry, I can only cut... I'm not suicidal, I know I may sound it, but I'm the exact oppisite. I've tried that before, and I know I want to live, I just sometimes wish it wasn't the life I have now...
I dont know if this is a place to come talk to or not, but I needed to get this off my chest, its just weighing me down.. Thanks for listening, or at least pretending to.. Melody