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I am a 22 year old woman who can't find her way. I have a good job and I am pretty responsible. I have major problems with anger and depression. I have grown up around anger and abuse. I believe that the anger and depression problems have been passed through the family. Both my mother and my older brother have delt with similar issues. I deal with my anger and depression by smoking pot everyday. My depression comes and goes, but recently I have not been able to shake it. I also have major mood swings. I may feel better temporarily by smoking pot but nothing that really helps. I am unable to find fun in anything any more. About two years ago I caught my boyfriend of five years cheating on me. Since I can't trust anyone on any issue. I feel like I can't really share my feelings with anyone, and I haven't been very motivated to do so. I'm actually forcing myself to even write this letter. My anger, depression, and drug use is effecting every part of my life. I always feel like someone is out to get me. I don't know what to do. I need to find help before I breakdown. I can't love anyone or trust anyone until I love myself. Please help.
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You've taken a major step in just coming out with the things you've said. I can really feel you on the trust issue because there was a time I couldn't even tell the truth, for fear of someone using it to hurt me, in a journal.
I am a twenty-nine year old woman who is diagnosed manic-depressant and has dealt with my share of substance abuse issues. In childhood, I was exposed to abuse of all kinds from the people I should have grown to trust the most. The anger I have learned to work through can be consuming and has threatened my sanity and safety many times in many ways.
The first thing I have had to learn in my journey towards recovery is to be completely honest with myself. You are right... you have to love yourself first. But the first step towards loving yourself is accepting yourself... everything about yourself. I wrestle with this one every day but I'm doing it.
I am in the process of obtaining a good counselor as well as dual-diagnosis treatment and have made great headway in the process. I have also found that Narcotics Anonymous gives me tremendous help.
Are you aware that substance abuse (a great disease in and of itself) is a symptom of depression and manic depression. You have said yourself that you only briefly feel joy when you're high. Maybe your underlying problem is about depression. This is just a thought, on my part.
I know the hopelessness that you probably sometimes feel and I'm here to tell you, Lew, it doesn't have to be that way. If you look hard enough, you will find people who can help. We all need help sometimes (this fact was the hardest one for me to admit). Give yourself a break and give yourself a hand... ask.
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I am a twenty-nine year old woman who is diagnosed manic-depressant and has dealt with my share of substance abuse issues. In childhood, I was exposed to abuse of all kinds from the people I should have grown to trust the most. The anger I have learned to work through can be consuming and has threatened my sanity and safety many times in many ways.
The first thing I have had to learn in my journey towards recovery is to be completely honest with myself. You are right... you have to love yourself first. But the first step towards loving yourself is accepting yourself... everything about yourself. I wrestle with this one every day but I'm doing it.
I am in the process of obtaining a good counselor as well as dual-diagnosis treatment and have made great headway in the process. I have also found that Narcotics Anonymous gives me tremendous help.
Are you aware that substance abuse (a great disease in and of itself) is a symptom of depression and manic depression. You have said yourself that you only briefly feel joy when you're high. Maybe your underlying problem is about depression. This is just a thought, on my part.
I know the hopelessness that you probably sometimes feel and I'm here to tell you, Lew, it doesn't have to be that way. If you look hard enough, you will find people who can help. We all need help sometimes (this fact was the hardest one for me to admit). Give yourself a break and give yourself a hand... ask.
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Paused
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Charlotte, NC, USA
Posts: 28
I couldn't agree more. Hang in there and keep posting. You're still young with a lifetime of experiences ahead of you. Just keep looking up and you can make it.
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Chad Colbert
[email protected]
http://www.helpdepression.com/
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Chad Colbert
[email protected]
http://www.helpdepression.com/
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So I know I need to get help. I do plan to go speak with a professional. I am unsure about taking any kind of prescribed drug to make me feel better. I am afraid that who ever I speak with will suggest some sort of head drug. Is it unhealthy to take drugs of that sort? I don't know much about any of those drugs. Also do you think that I should totally get rid of my pot smoking habit? At one time before I abused pot, I did enjoy it. I'm not sure what to do. I am surrounded by my friends who are pretty much in the same boat that I am with smoking pot everyday. I do think that smoking pot so much is doing harm in my life. What do I do??? By the way, thanks for all replies.
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Yes lew,you should quit smoking pot,and head drugs do work ,but go to a professional,not your medical doctor. This has worked for me,but I also go to na/aa to be with other recovering friends.Good luck, and take it one day at a time.
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Asking for help is the first step. I'm 45 and suffered from depression for a number of years. I self-medicated myself just as you are doing and from way too much experience I can tell you that it's dead end street. Pot, alcohol, whatever just leads to more and more depression. Go to a health professional, your doctor or a counselor, and be honest with them. Tell them how you feel and what you've been using to try to feel better. Go to twelve step recovery meetings and make connections. Their are lot's of people who are going through or have been through the same as what is going on with you. I take medication under a doctor's guidance and go to meeting to help stay clean and sober. I also try to do something nice for someone every day. It helps to get me out of myself. When I spend too much time alone, little things can seem overwhelming. Keep asking for help and don't stop till you find something that works, you're worth the effort. find
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Wow! Lew, thank you for sharing that, I feel less alone! I relate to most of it, and thank all you others because I needed to hear all this too. It's too bad we have to suffer from this, but it's good that we can lean on each other when we're not feeling very strong(& to help when we are!)
I need to share a little about me. I'm Linda, & i've been in & out of recovery for 11 yrs(drugs & alcohol).I'm 43. I was just dual-diagnosed last month & I don't know why it was a surprise to me, i've been depressed all my life(that I remember), & have made at least a few suicide attempts thoughout my life. I also lost a brother to suicide when I was 20. Here's my latest story:
Marriage(4th) has been on & off from the start(husband kept leaving).(last 2 yrs.) On Sept. 29th, we were drinking at home, & he started arguing with me. I fed into it at first, then asked him to stop. I tried to just ignore it, but this time something inside of me just snapped. (I usually didn't show my anger at him for fear that he'd walk out again-that was common everytime I tried to tell him how I feel, he'd leave for days).Something went really wrong inside of me this time. I trashed the place-totally(well, it's ironic how this PC was the only thing intact!) Maybe because I knew he didn't like me on it, even though I didn't chat. After I trashed the place , I grabbed my bottle(new) of vicodin. In my state of rage, I took a second to think of my Grandson, then I thought to myself, " I've got to get away-just sleep for a couple of days". Obviously , in that state of mind, I wasn't thinking rationally. I started swallowing them & my husband grabbed them & tried to dump them down the drain. I was even more enraged, & frantically started grabbing them out of the sink before they went down. I have know idea how many I took. I called a friend. She talked me into calling 911. I spent the weekend in ICU,then a week in the behavioral science unit.I was so ashamed for putting my family through that AGAIN! I came back home to my husband. We decided we can't drink & have a marriage both. He still smoked pot(makes me paranoid, so I rarely smoked-2x/yr). I could see his mood changes when he didn't have his weed. He was always turning it around on me, though. I started going to meetings about 11 days ago. He left me on the 2nd day. He got angry because I asked him if he wanted to go with me-said I was "inconsiderate" for asking when he already told me no the day before. That was his excuse anyways, & he left to get drunk-that was on a Fri-said he never wanted to see me again, I need help, blah,blah,blah.... He came walking in Sunday AM all happy, like nothing ever happened. I asked him to have his things out ASAP -said he had nowhere to take them. He packed a bag & left. In the meantime, a friend of mine, who is also an addict, got herself into some trouble trying to get drug $, & went to jail. They found her hanging(same way my brother died). She was dead already, but they revived her.She's in a coma, & she isn't likely to make it.She's 32. So, with trying to handle my husband leaving & dealing with what happened to Jessica(& seeing her in this state), it's been very difficult. I've been FORCING myself to meetings because I was beginning to hibernate & i'm too depressed & I know I can't handle all of this on my own. (Waiting for an appt. with therapist, & Dr. for anti-depressants) If that wasn't enough, I got a call a few nights ago from my husbands girlfriend-I was in SHOCK! She replayed a message he left her(she had no idea i'd be answering the phone), then she went on to tell me they'd been seeing each other off & on for almost a year!!!!!!!! He was with her while I was in ICU!!!!!! Now, that HURTS!! He actually took this girl with him to visit his parents-his whole family knew-I am so hurt & SO ANGRY!! I suspected this before & he made me think it was all in my head! I'm holding myself together by these meetings. As much as I don't want to go, I am ALWAYS glad I did. I need those anti-depressants though. I have alot of panic attacks. I don't like the idea of having to take them either, but I know that I need them. I did go & get a protective order against my husband. The police escorted him here to get his belongings yesterday & I could finally breath a little. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it feels awful close!
Lew, please do what you have to do for yourself. I really don't know what it's like to be truly happy. I've been through all kinds of abuse, & i've also PUT myself through all kinds! Well, I don't want to do that anymore. I've got a lot of issues to deal with-self esteem is a big one for me. I don't feel like I can hide from it any longer. The pain is so great-it seems easier to medicate, but if I want to live, I can't do that again. I've survived a lot in life, so I have faith that I CAN(& WILL!) survive this, & be a stronger person because of it. Thank ALL of you people for sharing! I'm so glad I found this site, it helps me alot!
I wish us ALL innerpeace & happiness-we deserve it! Take Care,
Linda
P.S. I use the screen name "Free2b_me", because that is my goal!
I need to share a little about me. I'm Linda, & i've been in & out of recovery for 11 yrs(drugs & alcohol).I'm 43. I was just dual-diagnosed last month & I don't know why it was a surprise to me, i've been depressed all my life(that I remember), & have made at least a few suicide attempts thoughout my life. I also lost a brother to suicide when I was 20. Here's my latest story:
Marriage(4th) has been on & off from the start(husband kept leaving).(last 2 yrs.) On Sept. 29th, we were drinking at home, & he started arguing with me. I fed into it at first, then asked him to stop. I tried to just ignore it, but this time something inside of me just snapped. (I usually didn't show my anger at him for fear that he'd walk out again-that was common everytime I tried to tell him how I feel, he'd leave for days).Something went really wrong inside of me this time. I trashed the place-totally(well, it's ironic how this PC was the only thing intact!) Maybe because I knew he didn't like me on it, even though I didn't chat. After I trashed the place , I grabbed my bottle(new) of vicodin. In my state of rage, I took a second to think of my Grandson, then I thought to myself, " I've got to get away-just sleep for a couple of days". Obviously , in that state of mind, I wasn't thinking rationally. I started swallowing them & my husband grabbed them & tried to dump them down the drain. I was even more enraged, & frantically started grabbing them out of the sink before they went down. I have know idea how many I took. I called a friend. She talked me into calling 911. I spent the weekend in ICU,then a week in the behavioral science unit.I was so ashamed for putting my family through that AGAIN! I came back home to my husband. We decided we can't drink & have a marriage both. He still smoked pot(makes me paranoid, so I rarely smoked-2x/yr). I could see his mood changes when he didn't have his weed. He was always turning it around on me, though. I started going to meetings about 11 days ago. He left me on the 2nd day. He got angry because I asked him if he wanted to go with me-said I was "inconsiderate" for asking when he already told me no the day before. That was his excuse anyways, & he left to get drunk-that was on a Fri-said he never wanted to see me again, I need help, blah,blah,blah.... He came walking in Sunday AM all happy, like nothing ever happened. I asked him to have his things out ASAP -said he had nowhere to take them. He packed a bag & left. In the meantime, a friend of mine, who is also an addict, got herself into some trouble trying to get drug $, & went to jail. They found her hanging(same way my brother died). She was dead already, but they revived her.She's in a coma, & she isn't likely to make it.She's 32. So, with trying to handle my husband leaving & dealing with what happened to Jessica(& seeing her in this state), it's been very difficult. I've been FORCING myself to meetings because I was beginning to hibernate & i'm too depressed & I know I can't handle all of this on my own. (Waiting for an appt. with therapist, & Dr. for anti-depressants) If that wasn't enough, I got a call a few nights ago from my husbands girlfriend-I was in SHOCK! She replayed a message he left her(she had no idea i'd be answering the phone), then she went on to tell me they'd been seeing each other off & on for almost a year!!!!!!!! He was with her while I was in ICU!!!!!! Now, that HURTS!! He actually took this girl with him to visit his parents-his whole family knew-I am so hurt & SO ANGRY!! I suspected this before & he made me think it was all in my head! I'm holding myself together by these meetings. As much as I don't want to go, I am ALWAYS glad I did. I need those anti-depressants though. I have alot of panic attacks. I don't like the idea of having to take them either, but I know that I need them. I did go & get a protective order against my husband. The police escorted him here to get his belongings yesterday & I could finally breath a little. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it feels awful close!
Lew, please do what you have to do for yourself. I really don't know what it's like to be truly happy. I've been through all kinds of abuse, & i've also PUT myself through all kinds! Well, I don't want to do that anymore. I've got a lot of issues to deal with-self esteem is a big one for me. I don't feel like I can hide from it any longer. The pain is so great-it seems easier to medicate, but if I want to live, I can't do that again. I've survived a lot in life, so I have faith that I CAN(& WILL!) survive this, & be a stronger person because of it. Thank ALL of you people for sharing! I'm so glad I found this site, it helps me alot!
I wish us ALL innerpeace & happiness-we deserve it! Take Care,
Linda
P.S. I use the screen name "Free2b_me", because that is my goal!
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First I want to say thank you to all of you taking the time to reply. I can really feel your support and understanding. Today is the first day I am going with out smoking pot. I really want to do this but I am scared of letting myself down. I believe I can do it though. I found a good book to read that will probably help me on my way. I also want to try to find some professional help this week. I am hoping that it won't be too expensive. Smoking pot is just the edge of my real problem. Now I have to deal with the depression and anger with out the relief of a joint. I think about death and negative things way too much. It's like I can't stop my mind from going to such negative places. I need to find a solution. I don't understand why my mind works this way. I do realize that I need to understand so I can teach myself how to respond to certain situations that I wouldn't normally handle very well. We'll see! Please help me stand strong with all of you. Thanx!
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Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Charlotte, NC, USA
Posts: 28
You have our complete support, Lew. Hang in there ... and congratulations on your first day! 
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Chad Colbert
[email protected]
http://www.helpdepression.com/
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Chad Colbert
[email protected]
http://www.helpdepression.com/
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Dear Lew, on my way to recovery from cocaine and Heroin addiction, I had similar feelings. It is a COMPLETLY normal part of recovery... And I find you VERY courageous to actually be able to even write how you feel. You see, I know that seeking support is the right thing to do. Except that it was different for me... I was too ashamed to even admit that I needed rehab... Finally, I never went to rehab and instead I did it cold-turkey. It was the right choice for me. I don`t know what will be the right choice for you but I hope that you will find out what will work best for you. I wish you the best luck in the world... And don`t you dare think that you don`t deserve it ;-) Yours truly, Afflicted.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 1
Just reading these stories has made me realize that I am not alone. I truly believe that the Creator does not put more than what we can handle on our plate. I see alot of courageous, strong and powerful people who all have one thing in common. Pain...
struggles and addiction. Thank you for sharing your testimonies with me. I will keep you all in my prayers. Scona68
struggles and addiction. Thank you for sharing your testimonies with me. I will keep you all in my prayers. Scona68
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
You've taken that first and most difficult step. Identifying a problem allows you to deal with it. Smoking pot is a normal method of self medicating we've all used. Mine was alcohol but, the results are the same. Until you remove the pot it will be difficult for any doctor to give a correct diagnosis. Keep connected to SR and try and find some help in your area. Of course an open and honest visit to your doctor should be at the top of the list.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
I think about death and negative things way too much. It's like I can't stop my mind from going to such negative places.
Yeah...
I just did a face to face with that very thing...
man.. I was obsessed...
with my daughters death... my death....
The ache...
I almost couldn't take it...
It just stayed with me...
and I cried and cried. Tried to make deals with God...
Then became terrified I'd **** him off and he'd punish me by taking my daughter....
so went into abject fear again...
The only way I got past it was to see it out to the end.
I thought of my daughter dying and I let the feelings roll until I stopped crying. I didn't try to push them away.
I guess in effect... I've pre-grieved my daughters death in part.
And then I took a look at my own mortality. And about painful death..
Or terminal illness...
and being gone.
And the thought was almost unbearable...
But.. I stayed with that as well until it just went away.
I stopped crying and the fear was pretty much gone... although I can feel it again cause I'm writing about it.
But..
a feeling of acceptance came.. and I lost a major fear/anxiety factor in my life...
I am learning that running from my own mind is not possible.
I must stop and listen to what it is saying to me... no matter how uncomfortable.
and then I must do the emotional work around it ... for as I think... I feel.
and then it's gone.
On to the next thing.
Or so it is today.. ;o)
I'm really hoping I can hang onto this...
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