You've taken a major step in just coming out with the things you've said. I can really feel you on the trust issue because there was a time I couldn't even tell the truth, for fear of someone using it to hurt me, in a journal.
I am a twenty-nine year old woman who is diagnosed manic-depressant and has dealt with my share of substance abuse issues. In childhood, I was exposed to abuse of all kinds from the people I should have grown to trust the most. The anger I have learned to work through can be consuming and has threatened my sanity and safety many times in many ways.
The first thing I have had to learn in my journey towards recovery is to be completely honest with myself. You are right... you have to love yourself first. But the first step towards loving yourself is accepting yourself... everything about yourself. I wrestle with this one every day but I'm doing it.
I am in the process of obtaining a good counselor as well as dual-diagnosis treatment and have made great headway in the process. I have also found that Narcotics Anonymous gives me tremendous help.
Are you aware that substance abuse (a great disease in and of itself) is a symptom of depression and manic depression. You have said yourself that you only briefly feel joy when you're high. Maybe your underlying problem is about depression. This is just a thought, on my part.
I know the hopelessness that you probably sometimes feel and I'm here to tell you, Lew, it doesn't have to be that way. If you look hard enough, you will find people who can help. We all need help sometimes (this fact was the hardest one for me to admit). Give yourself a break and give yourself a hand... ask.
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