Wow! Lew, thank you for sharing that, I feel less alone! I relate to most of it, and thank all you others because I needed to hear all this too. It's too bad we have to suffer from this, but it's good that we can lean on each other when we're not feeling very strong(& to help when we are!)
I need to share a little about me. I'm Linda, & i've been in & out of recovery for 11 yrs(drugs & alcohol).I'm 43. I was just dual-diagnosed last month & I don't know why it was a surprise to me, i've been depressed all my life(that I remember), & have made at least a few suicide attempts thoughout my life. I also lost a brother to suicide when I was 20. Here's my latest story:
Marriage(4th) has been on & off from the start(husband kept leaving).(last 2 yrs.) On Sept. 29th, we were drinking at home, & he started arguing with me. I fed into it at first, then asked him to stop. I tried to just ignore it, but this time something inside of me just snapped. (I usually didn't show my anger at him for fear that he'd walk out again-that was common everytime I tried to tell him how I feel, he'd leave for days).Something went really wrong inside of me this time. I trashed the place-totally(well, it's ironic how this PC was the only thing intact!) Maybe because I knew he didn't like me on it, even though I didn't chat. After I trashed the place , I grabbed my bottle(new) of vicodin. In my state of rage, I took a second to think of my Grandson, then I thought to myself, " I've got to get away-just sleep for a couple of days". Obviously , in that state of mind, I wasn't thinking rationally. I started swallowing them & my husband grabbed them & tried to dump them down the drain. I was even more enraged, & frantically started grabbing them out of the sink before they went down. I have know idea how many I took. I called a friend. She talked me into calling 911. I spent the weekend in ICU,then a week in the behavioral science unit.I was so ashamed for putting my family through that AGAIN! I came back home to my husband. We decided we can't drink & have a marriage both. He still smoked pot(makes me paranoid, so I rarely smoked-2x/yr). I could see his mood changes when he didn't have his weed. He was always turning it around on me, though. I started going to meetings about 11 days ago. He left me on the 2nd day. He got angry because I asked him if he wanted to go with me-said I was "inconsiderate" for asking when he already told me no the day before. That was his excuse anyways, & he left to get drunk-that was on a Fri-said he never wanted to see me again, I need help, blah,blah,blah.... He came walking in Sunday AM all happy, like nothing ever happened. I asked him to have his things out ASAP -said he had nowhere to take them. He packed a bag & left. In the meantime, a friend of mine, who is also an addict, got herself into some trouble trying to get drug $, & went to jail. They found her hanging(same way my brother died). She was dead already, but they revived her.She's in a coma, & she isn't likely to make it.She's 32. So, with trying to handle my husband leaving & dealing with what happened to Jessica(& seeing her in this state), it's been very difficult. I've been FORCING myself to meetings because I was beginning to hibernate & i'm too depressed & I know I can't handle all of this on my own. (Waiting for an appt. with therapist, & Dr. for anti-depressants) If that wasn't enough, I got a call a few nights ago from my husbands girlfriend-I was in SHOCK! She replayed a message he left her(she had no idea i'd be answering the phone), then she went on to tell me they'd been seeing each other off & on for almost a year!!!!!!!! He was with her while I was in ICU!!!!!! Now, that HURTS!! He actually took this girl with him to visit his parents-his whole family knew-I am so hurt & SO ANGRY!! I suspected this before & he made me think it was all in my head! I'm holding myself together by these meetings. As much as I don't want to go, I am ALWAYS glad I did. I need those anti-depressants though. I have alot of panic attacks. I don't like the idea of having to take them either, but I know that I need them. I did go & get a protective order against my husband. The police escorted him here to get his belongings yesterday & I could finally breath a little. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it feels awful close!
Lew, please do what you have to do for yourself. I really don't know what it's like to be truly happy. I've been through all kinds of abuse, & i've also PUT myself through all kinds! Well, I don't want to do that anymore. I've got a lot of issues to deal with-self esteem is a big one for me. I don't feel like I can hide from it any longer. The pain is so great-it seems easier to medicate, but if I want to live, I can't do that again. I've survived a lot in life, so I have faith that I CAN(& WILL!) survive this, & be a stronger person because of it. Thank ALL of you people for sharing! I'm so glad I found this site, it helps me alot!
I wish us ALL innerpeace & happiness-we deserve it! Take Care,
Linda
P.S. I use the screen name "Free2b_me", because that is my goal!
