FlyingDutchMan

So, eight weeks under the belt today. The euphoric recall seems to have faded away for now. I find it hard to state how I am feeling exactly as it changes from day to day and there's a lot going on at home. The fog in my head still isn't completely gone but I've also had some useful insights about myself and about the way I deal with things.

I'm curious how things will progress from here. Of course I will keep you posted on this!

Dee74

Congrats on 8 weeks FDM

D

Codimum

Keep it up... you rock!

DangerZone

Good job homie. Keep it up.

FlyingDutchMan

A big thank you to you all!

Pacoloco

Congrats!

FlyingDutchMan

Nine weeks! Just a little message to let you know that I've felt pretty good last week. The fleeting thoughts I had about smoking were no match for the clarity I felt in my head about what smoking really was and did for me. My brain sometimes tells me it was so much fun but I've amazed myself by being able to recall the real experience: anxiety, feeling guilty about it, the useless feeling I had most evenings. That really helps in keeping a strong mind.

I don't have enough time to post here as often as I want to. The kids have been ill, my girlfriend has been ill and now my mother-in-law has the flu as well. She normally looks after the kids for two days per week. So I can't go to work. My girlfriend is still on crutches but we manage the whole situation remarkably well. I contribute a great deal of that to not smoking. In general I go with the flow so much better now that I am sober. Things that go wrong don't bug me for a long time and that was different when I smoked. I feel so much more flexible. Not in a physical way, but in my mind. A problem arises, I asses the situation and act on it. If another problem should then arise I just repeat the process without becoming grumpy about yet another change. Of course it helps a great deal that all these problems no longer form a conflict with my plans for smoking.

All in all: I feel more normal every day! Let's hope it stays this way.

Wish you all the best!

Dee74

you too FDM

D

lynnmarie123

Congrats on 9 weeks!
Sounds like you are doing really well. And I know oh so well how easy it is to talk yourself back into it. "oh, I really don't have a problem with it." "I have it under control now."
Keep remembering how you felt on day 0 and you'll continue to do well.
So awesome! You rock!

FlyingDutchMan

Ahhhh every time I write something here that makes sense it seems to trigger cravings. No joy these last two days. Only stuff to take care of. A lot of stuff to take care of. And then all of a sudden, this thought today: to hell with it, I wanna smoke and I am going to. Like some third-party voice telling me to do so, without room for discussion.

I know it's not going to solve anything but man it's a tempting idea. Don't worry, I am not going to but I had to write it down here to get it off my chest.

Onward and upward!

lynnmarie123

" Like some third-party voice telling me to do so, without room for discussion."

That was your AV talking, your Addictive Voice. Just tell it to shut up, you're not listening anymore!

Hope you feel better soon!

FlyingDutchMan

I know, I know...but it makes pretty strong points sometimes. That doesn't mean I have to listen to it though. I tried a little urge surfing, as Dee recommended somewhere. Don't know if I got the hang of it, but it's nice to try something new.

These last nights I've had the craziest dreams btw. Every night I smoke a cigarette in my dreams and I realize while dreaming that I quit that. The dreams involve people I haven't talked to since high school. Weird but interesting as well.

FlyingDutchMan

Well...I find it quite hard to comprehend the amount of crap that we've had thrown at us these last few weeks. My girlfriend was diagnosed with pneumonia this morning. She was so very very ill last night and I felt so sorry for her. The little man is still very ill as well. He's hit the 40 degree celcius mark (104 fahrenheit) body temperature every day since Monday.

To be honest, I feel a little sabotaged in my attempt not to smoke, almost bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I just thought: maybe next year with the quitting, but I'm not keeping this up with all this misery going on. Not in a sense that I want to start smoking pot again, but the cigarettes are on my mind most of the times now. I'm pretty sure one thing would lead to the other though.

Then I wake up this morning and read in the local paper that they've fired multiple gunshots at the local coffeeshop -which is 500 meters from my home- last night and it is closed for an undisclosed time by the mayor. That would've caused me some stress a couple of months ago. Maybe it's a sign

Here comes the weekend!

lynnmarie123

Wow! Sometime life can be super hard on a person, over and over again.
Life is so unfair.
But then, it can always be worse. Imagine getting shot at that coffeeshop.
I hope things get better for you soon.

FlyingDutchMan

Thanks Lynnmarie, I appreciate it!

Dee74

I'm sorry too FDM but I'm really glad you're staying strong and true.

D

FlyingDutchMan

Wrapping up another day! While my girlfriend and son are doing a bit better, my confidence about my journey is fading pretty fast. Scary fast really.

I've caught myself numerous times today, not with euphoric recall like two weekends back, but with plans I was making for the near future, two months ahead or so. It felt as if I've skipped the phase in which I doubt if I will pick it up again. I'm more in a situation where I think: I'm going to start when all this crap is over and we'll just see when exactly that will be. This combined with very strong thoughts about moderation and planning out how I will be able to keep my appointments in regard to moderation. And all this topped off with the underlying thought that moderation is impossible, that it hasn't worked for me. That it would be a stupid thing to do. And then I catch myself again with the thoughts of a nice evening in July. Cold beer and a smoke.

Confusing and frustrating!

I feel a lot of different feelings right now, but not many of them are very positive. Let's play guitar for a while to see if I can scare them away.

DtotheP

I so know how you feel Dutchman. The thoughts about not being able to use in the future on the times you like it most are frustrating. I hate thinking about never being able to go to a brewery again and sampling their beers. One of my loves other than weed is craft beer. Or going to a concert and not drinking and bringing a few joints. These are things I love to do, and have done for 2 decades( that sounds so crazy to put it that way). I am tired of the daily use though. It affects my personality and how I interact with my family. Even though at the time I don't notice it, and would argue that it did not. I hope these feelings and cravings die down for the both of us. Good luck man

lynnmarie123

That inner struggle is such a bitch. Wanting and not wanting something at the same time. Knowing something is bad and thinking it will make things better.
You know moderation doesn't work, I don't have to tell you that. You know you will end up in the exact same place you were in right before you quit. I don't think you want to go back to that place again.
I've heard it gets harder to quit every time you start up again. I know it was for me. I won't pick up again and that is one of the reasons why. I'm not putting myself through the mental struggle again, not to mention the physical withdrawals.
Things will get better. Your family will get healthy again and things won't be so hard. But things won't get better if you start up.
Wishing you the best.

FlyingDutchMan

The guitar helped, a talk with my girlfriend helped, the little man slept for 13 hours straight and that helped. And last but not least: your responses helped. I thank you sincerely! Hope this mindset blows over soon, never to return again.