FlyingDutchMan reporting for duty!
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Congrats on the time. It is always interesting to read a persons journey, the ups and the downs, and how similar everyone's are to each other.
A few things that are helping (have helped) me. I always found counting days to be difficult. I like to have a general idea of how long I've been clean, but I found that when I counted the days it was usually trouble. I would get to a landmark (30 days, 90 days, 6 months, etc.) and that would start my mind to thinking either "I've got this under control" or right before I would feel like " F it, this is too hard, might as well cave in." I used to go to NA and have a whole stack of white tags (1 day) a couple of 30 day (usually after getting out of inpatient treatment for 3 weeks or so, so kinda cheating!!) and no 90 day tags. A lot of people find it very helpful to count, it gives them a sense of achievement, but it never worked that way for me. I am very bad about making a plan and seeing it through, but once I made that plan to get high I almost ALWAYS saw that one through!!
Something I have been doing lately that has been helpful is trying to see life as merely a series of choices and weighing the consequences of them before I make that choice. I tend to be on the impulsive side (I am Bi-Polar and when that manic side starts kicking in I really have to make a conscious effort to slow things down) I can choose to smoke pot or choose not to, both have some upsides and some downsides. If I am honest about how I look at these things and where my life has taken me, there is a lot more downside to smoking than upside. That is not to say there is no upside, if there weren't I wouldn't have smoked in the first place.
I have a problem making large commitments, so saying "I will never smoke again" feels very daunting and overwhelming and leads to thought of "I can never do that, so I may as well just get it over with and smoke". Everyone is different, so things that work for me may not work for you. That is why this is such a great place. You can get ideas and input from so many people and then find out what is best for you.
While reading your thread I had a thought about how life seems to be so much harder when you quit. Is it really harder, or are we just having to deal with it now that we are not using? I know that when I was using I was just "checked out" most of the time so nothing really bothered me. I think most of those things were still happening in my life, I just didn't deal with them. For example dealing with your girlfriend being on crutches has been a challenge. Would it have been less of a challenge if you were using or are you just more conscious of the situation now and helping her more? I don't really have an answer here, just throwing it out.
Glad you are doing well. You are not the only one who can write LONG posts!!
BTW I wanted to say that if you hadn't mentioned that English wasn't your first language I never would have known!! I am always very jealous of Europeans who speak several languages!! That just doesn't happen that much in the US. Being a large country surrounded by people who only speak English the opportunity just isn't there as often, plus the rest of the world does us the favor of learning English!!
It lets us stay fat and lazy!! That may be catching up to us!! Anyway, I digress. Keep doing what you are doing!! Take care.
A few things that are helping (have helped) me. I always found counting days to be difficult. I like to have a general idea of how long I've been clean, but I found that when I counted the days it was usually trouble. I would get to a landmark (30 days, 90 days, 6 months, etc.) and that would start my mind to thinking either "I've got this under control" or right before I would feel like " F it, this is too hard, might as well cave in." I used to go to NA and have a whole stack of white tags (1 day) a couple of 30 day (usually after getting out of inpatient treatment for 3 weeks or so, so kinda cheating!!) and no 90 day tags. A lot of people find it very helpful to count, it gives them a sense of achievement, but it never worked that way for me. I am very bad about making a plan and seeing it through, but once I made that plan to get high I almost ALWAYS saw that one through!!
Something I have been doing lately that has been helpful is trying to see life as merely a series of choices and weighing the consequences of them before I make that choice. I tend to be on the impulsive side (I am Bi-Polar and when that manic side starts kicking in I really have to make a conscious effort to slow things down) I can choose to smoke pot or choose not to, both have some upsides and some downsides. If I am honest about how I look at these things and where my life has taken me, there is a lot more downside to smoking than upside. That is not to say there is no upside, if there weren't I wouldn't have smoked in the first place.
I have a problem making large commitments, so saying "I will never smoke again" feels very daunting and overwhelming and leads to thought of "I can never do that, so I may as well just get it over with and smoke". Everyone is different, so things that work for me may not work for you. That is why this is such a great place. You can get ideas and input from so many people and then find out what is best for you.
While reading your thread I had a thought about how life seems to be so much harder when you quit. Is it really harder, or are we just having to deal with it now that we are not using? I know that when I was using I was just "checked out" most of the time so nothing really bothered me. I think most of those things were still happening in my life, I just didn't deal with them. For example dealing with your girlfriend being on crutches has been a challenge. Would it have been less of a challenge if you were using or are you just more conscious of the situation now and helping her more? I don't really have an answer here, just throwing it out.
Glad you are doing well. You are not the only one who can write LONG posts!!
BTW I wanted to say that if you hadn't mentioned that English wasn't your first language I never would have known!! I am always very jealous of Europeans who speak several languages!! That just doesn't happen that much in the US. Being a large country surrounded by people who only speak English the opportunity just isn't there as often, plus the rest of the world does us the favor of learning English!! It lets us stay fat and lazy!! That may be catching up to us!! Anyway, I digress. Keep doing what you are doing!! Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Hey everyone, it took me a lot longer to check in than I expected. I try to refrain from sitting behind a laptop in the evening, because I already get a lot of screen-time during the day at work. Besides that I've been rather busy and I wasn't thinking about smoking a great deal. I emphasize the word was.
So what's happened in The Netherlands? Well, a lot actually. Let's begin with the good things. Tuesday I hit the 100-day-mark and the next day I turned 40. We had a little vacation with the family and my girlfriend is making rapid progress with her knee. No more ill children and the sun is shining. I've ridden my bike quite a bit.
Unfortunately -and to my great great surprise- I feel quite low these last couple of days. I can only contribute that to the good weather, which sounds rather contradictory. The sun's out and I'm not enjoying it. I'm not really enjoying anything at this moment and I feel a little ashamed by it. I just wasn't expecting this mood-swing when I saw the weather report. We would be getting a week with summer temperatures so nothing to complain about. Well, it set off a chain of thoughts that I haven't had since my day 1. Very weird, I never knew it would be such a trigger. It's on my mind most of the day, albeit in flashes. The evenings are just one big fantasy smoke cloud I seem unable to get out of.
The good news is this weather will pass very quickly. The bad news is, summer's not even started and I really don't want to spend a whole season feeling depressed when I should be enjoying myself. Also, I'm a bit gutted because I feel like I'm back on day 1 mentally. There is no sense of fulfillment at the moment. No sense of accomplishment.
Of course I am aware that 100 days is nothing compared to years of smoking. Of course I know this will pass. But unfortunately at the moment I am unable to reason myself beyond this low dull feeling I am having.
Thanks for taking the time to read, it always helps to put it into words and share it with you folks. Hope everyone is doing great!
So what's happened in The Netherlands? Well, a lot actually. Let's begin with the good things. Tuesday I hit the 100-day-mark and the next day I turned 40. We had a little vacation with the family and my girlfriend is making rapid progress with her knee. No more ill children and the sun is shining. I've ridden my bike quite a bit.
Unfortunately -and to my great great surprise- I feel quite low these last couple of days. I can only contribute that to the good weather, which sounds rather contradictory. The sun's out and I'm not enjoying it. I'm not really enjoying anything at this moment and I feel a little ashamed by it. I just wasn't expecting this mood-swing when I saw the weather report. We would be getting a week with summer temperatures so nothing to complain about. Well, it set off a chain of thoughts that I haven't had since my day 1. Very weird, I never knew it would be such a trigger. It's on my mind most of the day, albeit in flashes. The evenings are just one big fantasy smoke cloud I seem unable to get out of.
The good news is this weather will pass very quickly. The bad news is, summer's not even started and I really don't want to spend a whole season feeling depressed when I should be enjoying myself. Also, I'm a bit gutted because I feel like I'm back on day 1 mentally. There is no sense of fulfillment at the moment. No sense of accomplishment.
Of course I am aware that 100 days is nothing compared to years of smoking. Of course I know this will pass. But unfortunately at the moment I am unable to reason myself beyond this low dull feeling I am having.
Thanks for taking the time to read, it always helps to put it into words and share it with you folks. Hope everyone is doing great!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Congrats on 100 days and many happy returns FDM 
I know I must sound like a broken record but this is not the best things are going to get.
3 months was really just the start of me beginning to feel good on a regular basis.
I'm sure that you'll have an awesome summer without the weed - think of the possibilities!
D
I know I must sound like a broken record but this is not the best things are going to get.
3 months was really just the start of me beginning to feel good on a regular basis.
I'm sure that you'll have an awesome summer without the weed - think of the possibilities!
D
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Congrats on the 100 days!! That is great!! I'm at about 60 off the pot myself. Don't let me catch you!!!
You mentioned having some unexpected cravings. I know, for me, counting days was part of the problem. Whenever I would approach a "milestone" date 30, 60, 90, whatever, something in my brain would click and I would have major cravings. I'm not sure if it was, "hey, I made it, now I can celebrate a little and it will be ok" or what. All I know is that I had many runs of 29 days or 58 days or whatever, and I usually ended up using. You have made it past the 100 mark, so that is great!!
I don't count anymore. I have a rough idea, but I don't have the need to count. I just don't use anymore. For me, I don't see not using for 30 days as anymore of an accomplishment than not using for 1 day. It is a decision I have made and am committed to.
Not sure if any of this applies or works for you, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. Keep it up!!
You mentioned having some unexpected cravings. I know, for me, counting days was part of the problem. Whenever I would approach a "milestone" date 30, 60, 90, whatever, something in my brain would click and I would have major cravings. I'm not sure if it was, "hey, I made it, now I can celebrate a little and it will be ok" or what. All I know is that I had many runs of 29 days or 58 days or whatever, and I usually ended up using. You have made it past the 100 mark, so that is great!!
I don't count anymore. I have a rough idea, but I don't have the need to count. I just don't use anymore. For me, I don't see not using for 30 days as anymore of an accomplishment than not using for 1 day. It is a decision I have made and am committed to.
Not sure if any of this applies or works for you, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. Keep it up!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better this week, which is a big relief. Last week was just a drag. I was grumpy, short tempered and just not fun to be around. I concluded it had everything to do with not smoking but after a few days I started to have some doubts. I think maybe I just wasn't feeling great in general and I jumped to the conclusion that it all was smoking-related, but maybe the not feeling well just sparked some thoughts about smoking. Am I making sense?
For sure it is nice to experience that low points pass and good times can return in a matter of days. It makes me feel strong that I haven't smoked on those feeling-low-occasions. It gives confidence that I can tackle harder times without smoking, if they are ahead.
And I do agree with you Tyler: counting the days and the weeks may not be beneficial for me. It emphasizes the whole thing too much. It's also one of the reasons why I am not on SR all the time, like I was in the beginning. At first counting the days and weeks gave a sense of achievement, but now I notice that a lot of talking about smoking can sometimes lead to cravings.
I haven't forgotten about you bunch though! And certainly not about the help that was provided in those early days and weeks, when everything was upside down.
I'll be in touch again soon. Until then: wishing you all the best!
For sure it is nice to experience that low points pass and good times can return in a matter of days. It makes me feel strong that I haven't smoked on those feeling-low-occasions. It gives confidence that I can tackle harder times without smoking, if they are ahead.
And I do agree with you Tyler: counting the days and the weeks may not be beneficial for me. It emphasizes the whole thing too much. It's also one of the reasons why I am not on SR all the time, like I was in the beginning. At first counting the days and weeks gave a sense of achievement, but now I notice that a lot of talking about smoking can sometimes lead to cravings.
I haven't forgotten about you bunch though! And certainly not about the help that was provided in those early days and weeks, when everything was upside down.
I'll be in touch again soon. Until then: wishing you all the best!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Hi Paco and everyone else who reads this. Thanks for asking! Still going strong. Not counting the days anymore but typing this made me realise that I am near the 5 month mark. I have quit for six months before, but never longer than that. Not smoking joints anymore feels normal now. I like that.
Things are going pretty good in general. Maybe I've said this before but I really like the flexibilty I have now. My girlfriend went for a dinner with a friend on Saturday evening. Normally there would only be one option: smoke! I would not even think about anything else. But now there was a whole list of possibilities. I hopped on my bike at six in the evening and ate a late dinner. Afterwards I read in our garden. Played a little guitar. I went to bed with a clear mind, slept well and woke up feeling fresh.
I hardly think about smoking weed anymore and I could not have forseen this in the first three months. In my mind it's just not a realistic option that I will ever go back that road. It's a closed book in a way. Fortunately there haven't been any occasions at which I could've been tempted. This also shows that I was always alone when I smoked. It was a solo act. I isolated myself because my high felt the best when I was alone. Not good if you ask me.
It's not all paradise and greatness. Life comes with ups and downs and I have reached for an easy solution for my problems for two decades. It takes time to adapt. Sometimes I miss the feeling of excitement I would get when I thought about the joint I would smoke in the evening. But I've said it before: the longing was far better than the indulgment.
I feel a little bit sorry that I am not contributing on SR more. I read the topics and new posts every now and then and I understand what everyone is going through and I would like to offer some support. I feel I kind of owe it to this place. I'll try to do that a little bit more in the near future.
I wish everyone the very best. Stay strong!
Things are going pretty good in general. Maybe I've said this before but I really like the flexibilty I have now. My girlfriend went for a dinner with a friend on Saturday evening. Normally there would only be one option: smoke! I would not even think about anything else. But now there was a whole list of possibilities. I hopped on my bike at six in the evening and ate a late dinner. Afterwards I read in our garden. Played a little guitar. I went to bed with a clear mind, slept well and woke up feeling fresh.
I hardly think about smoking weed anymore and I could not have forseen this in the first three months. In my mind it's just not a realistic option that I will ever go back that road. It's a closed book in a way. Fortunately there haven't been any occasions at which I could've been tempted. This also shows that I was always alone when I smoked. It was a solo act. I isolated myself because my high felt the best when I was alone. Not good if you ask me.
It's not all paradise and greatness. Life comes with ups and downs and I have reached for an easy solution for my problems for two decades. It takes time to adapt. Sometimes I miss the feeling of excitement I would get when I thought about the joint I would smoke in the evening. But I've said it before: the longing was far better than the indulgment.
I feel a little bit sorry that I am not contributing on SR more. I read the topics and new posts every now and then and I understand what everyone is going through and I would like to offer some support. I feel I kind of owe it to this place. I'll try to do that a little bit more in the near future.
I wish everyone the very best. Stay strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Time for a little update, as the six month mark is nearing. Unfortunately things went downhill in the last month. I still haven't smoked but I've been feeling far from ok. There was a two week spell of feeling down, up to the point that I had a hard time getting up in the morning. I just didn't feel up to the task of life. Never had that before in my life. Telltale signs of a depression if you ask me. No joy in doing things, no energy and not feeling good about myself.
I went on a holiday with friends and the feeling lingered for about three days. Now I'm back home again and it's as if my battery isn't charged by the vacation. I am again not feeling very well mentally. The whole drive back home (13 hours) was clouded by very very strong thoughts about picking up the old habit. I understand the thought-process that is going on. One of the main goals of quitting was being able to feel better. Now I quit and I am feeling worse than I was feeling when I smoked. Worse than I ever felt in my life. So I might as well start smoking again. This creates cravings on a whole new level.
I know I should be dealing with the issue of not feeling good and I should not take the old escape route, but boy...the easy way out sure looks and sounds tempting. I could do with a little sedation and distraction.
I'm hoping this phase will pass soon! I've also considered seeking a little help, but I don't know if I'm open enough to it now.
Thanks for reading and apologies that I only come here to whine.
Stay strong everybody!
I went on a holiday with friends and the feeling lingered for about three days. Now I'm back home again and it's as if my battery isn't charged by the vacation. I am again not feeling very well mentally. The whole drive back home (13 hours) was clouded by very very strong thoughts about picking up the old habit. I understand the thought-process that is going on. One of the main goals of quitting was being able to feel better. Now I quit and I am feeling worse than I was feeling when I smoked. Worse than I ever felt in my life. So I might as well start smoking again. This creates cravings on a whole new level.
I know I should be dealing with the issue of not feeling good and I should not take the old escape route, but boy...the easy way out sure looks and sounds tempting. I could do with a little sedation and distraction.
I'm hoping this phase will pass soon! I've also considered seeking a little help, but I don't know if I'm open enough to it now.
Thanks for reading and apologies that I only come here to whine.
Stay strong everybody!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
the thing is pot never really helped my depression FDM, and it made it worse in the long run.
If you're feeling depressed and its been going on for a while why not see your Dr, there could be a medical reason for it?
D
If you're feeling depressed and its been going on for a while why not see your Dr, there could be a medical reason for it?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Thanks for your response Dee, it's a thought I've been having more and more. In the past I would draw the conclusion that not smoking pot made me depressed. Nowadays I'm leaning more towards the idea that this depression-thing is revealing itself because I am no longer sedating myself. A bit complicated to explain, but I must try to stay away from the thought that smoking will be beneficial for the whole situation. Maybe this is what recovery is really about. Not just cutting out weed of the equasion, but really take a different approach to life and the problems that come with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Don't apologize for thinking you are only coming here to whine. As I was reading your post I was thinking; Good for you, coming here to talk about your feelings rather than starting up again. This shows you are serious and committed to your recovery.
I went through a similar situation. When I quit alcohol, PAWS was a very real and difficult thing for me. My mental attitude was really bad. And smoking made it worse. Right after toking, I would break out crying. It did not help things at all.
If your depression does not lift soon, please seek help. There is no shame in that.
Be well and take care.
I went through a similar situation. When I quit alcohol, PAWS was a very real and difficult thing for me. My mental attitude was really bad. And smoking made it worse. Right after toking, I would break out crying. It did not help things at all.
If your depression does not lift soon, please seek help. There is no shame in that.
Be well and take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan 
I'm hoping this phase will pass soon! I've also considered seeking a little help, but I don't know if I'm open enough to it now.
Stay strong, friend. Don't listen to that voice telling that smoking will make things better. It's a lie!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 752
Well...time for a small update. Fortunately there's good news to be reported. I experienced something weird regarding the depression thing. Two weeks ago on Sunday I felt low, extremely low. And then after lunch, the fog lifts, in the afternoon I feel great and it's been that way for two weeks now. I'm enjoying it while it lasts ;-)
Seriously, thank you for your kind and understanding words when I wrote I wasn't feeling well. If it returns, I am not going to experience it again without talking to my doctor.
Regarding the sobriety: as I said before, I am in uncharted territory at the moment with over six months weed-free-time now. There's a lot to be liked but life hasn't all of a sudden become problem-free. Maybe I was a bit unrealistic about that aspect. I made me believe that all my problems were caused by smoking, but that's not true. I'm still me, and I am far from perfect but the weed wasn't helping me. But I am making progress. Slowly sometimes, but progress is there. And I don't think there was a whole lot of progress when I smoked every evening. This really got me wondering where I will be in let's say a year from now. I'm curious about my own future and I like that.
I'll be back in a while for an update, but first I am off to France with the family. Have a great summer y'all!
Seriously, thank you for your kind and understanding words when I wrote I wasn't feeling well. If it returns, I am not going to experience it again without talking to my doctor.
Regarding the sobriety: as I said before, I am in uncharted territory at the moment with over six months weed-free-time now. There's a lot to be liked but life hasn't all of a sudden become problem-free. Maybe I was a bit unrealistic about that aspect. I made me believe that all my problems were caused by smoking, but that's not true. I'm still me, and I am far from perfect but the weed wasn't helping me. But I am making progress. Slowly sometimes, but progress is there. And I don't think there was a whole lot of progress when I smoked every evening. This really got me wondering where I will be in let's say a year from now. I'm curious about my own future and I like that.
I'll be back in a while for an update, but first I am off to France with the family. Have a great summer y'all!
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