FlyingDutchMan

Very glad to be an inspiration!

Without pot it's just a little harder to cheat on life. To cut corners every now and then. For me, life isn't necessarily easier when I am off pot. I'm having trouble relaxing and I find it hard to enjoy something when I know there's stuff that needs to be done. Compared to a month and a half ago I am doing so much stuff at work and around the house, but at this moment it doesn't really give me a feeling of satisfaction. Things seem a bit dull. With pot I was "living in the moment" a bit more.

Too bad I was (and am) totally inadequate at occasionaly taking a break from life. My vacation was never long enough. I'm very glad I left that behind.

FlyingDutchMan

Just wanted to let you all know that it was punching-bag-time again this weekend and guess who was receiving the punches? All small stuff but very irritable. I couldn't handle it very well. Sometimes I have the feeling that my attempt to quit coincides with a lot of things going wrong. Is it my mindset? Sometimes I think so. If this keeps up I might seek some help for it. I think it is not normal what causes stress for me, and I am not good at dealing with it.

On the upside: instead of being stoned on a Sunday evening and wanting to sit with my head in a fishing bowl (I speak figuratively now) I had a long conversation with my girlfriend about how we both tend to look at things in a negative way and we both want it to be different. I would've never liked to have such a conversation after smoking pot.

Haven't been tempted to smoke anything, which is also great. I sometimes marvel at the fact that my life was very different only as much as six weeks ago.

I hope everyone's doing great!

FlyingDutchMan

Aaaaarghhh had the worst cravings since my day 1. I was playing guitar, pretending to be Stephen Stills (and failing at it) and all of a sudden: BANG! It always follows the same pattern: never wanna smoke on the night I have cravings, but I think about the longer term. In this case the upcoming spring and summer, days in the garden, nice weather, lying in the hammock. Ultimate relaxation. Talk about triggers. And then the familiar thoughts came flying in: well, it will probably be impossible to really enjoy an evening sitting outside when I can't smoke, etc.

And the funny thing is: I remember those days from last spring and summer. I was rarely content with my smoking behaviour then. I was just sitting around, staring at nothing really, contemplating on what I could do but doing nothing in the end, too stoned to read and too uninspired to play the guitar for longer than three minutes. Just smoking a joint and drinking beer until I reached a certain level of buzz and then off to bed. The next day: repeat this process.

The mind does weird things when you least expect it! Why does it glorify something I wanted out off?

Glad I could get this off my chest before I'm heading to bed. Sleep tight my friends.

lynnmarie123

We have a way of romancing pot. I don't know why. We associate smoking with good things while forgetting the bad. And in the end it was all bad.
The last time I smoked after a period of sobriety, I didn't even enjoy it. I did not like the feeling. My heart was pounding hard and fast. Woozy and not in a pleasant way. It just was not good.
Gotta keep remembering that and why we got sober in the first place.

Dee74

I definitely thought I played better and wrote better on pot but listening back to that stuff now I see I was mistaken.

I lost my creativity a long time before I actually quit...but it's come back now and I'm playing and writing as good as I ever did or better.

I think we romance pot more because it is easierto forget the downside than it is say with alcohol - and we tend to remember the highs (pardon the pun).

I think I spent 30 years trying to recapture that first smoke and the way it made me fee - but of course I never did.

FlyingDutchMan

I wholeheartedly agree with both your posts lynnmarie and Dee, couldn´t have said it better myself.

And that first smoke after a while...it didn´t feel good with me as well. Anxiety, heart pounding, exactly what lynnmarie describes. And yet I would be my "old self" within a week max.

When I read back on this, I´m thinking...was I delusional or what?

Pacoloco

Weed is an illusion. It's not relaxing, it's disturbing.

icandothis20

Sorry to hear you are craving- or were craving. Good for you for reaching out though. Sometimes I find myself avoiding people I know will help me because Im stubborn and dont want them to tell me not to. I love reading your posts as they are so similar to mine. I also remember smoking again after a time quitting a while back and not liking it- having no tolerance, but then just keep smoking it anyway till i build a tolerance, and then boom back to daily. Like lynnmarie said, I romanticize pot sooo badly, but its never as good as you make it out to be. Its kind of a disappointment every time. Especially when you are basically to the point of not enjoying a high anymore, just automatically getting tired and hungry. Have any of you watched these videos: They have helped me SOOOOOOOOOO much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKqlOxkbhBQ

Thats one fromyoutube- but I actually bought the quit smoking guide- theres about 10 videos and a whole book. so good.

FlyingDutchMan

It's a funny, sometimes outright frustrating thing, this addiction of ours.

Thanks icandothis for the link, I will watch the video. And also thanks for sympathizing with me. The same goes for the rest of you btw! Fortunately I had no cravings today and felt pretty relaxed. No weird whispers telling me that life without pot will be crap.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

FlyingDutchMan

Came across that shopping bag full of weed in the attic yesterday. The one my friend gave me but I quit two days after that without trying it. I kind of forgot about it (which surprises me) and it didn't do anything to my mind when I saw it. Small victory!

I'm going to pass it on to someone who's going to be really happy with it. I considered burning it in some goodbye ritual but I'd might as well give it to someone else. I don't feel the need to burn the stuff to say goodbye.

icandothis20

I would say thats a huge victory!!

Good for you man! How many days are you at now?

Pacoloco

You should get rid of it ASAP.

FlyingDutchMan

I did this evening, it's gone now. But honestly, I forgot about it. And when I saw it, nothing happened to me mentally. I acknowledged it and that was that. Besides, I couldn't have smoked any because I threw away everything except for about 50 lighters. No papers, no tobacco, nothing. The house is empty. I gave my stash box (a beautiful handmade wooden case with abalone inlay from India) to my 4 year old daughter on the day I quit. I told her it was my treasure box once and now she could have it for her treasures. That felt like a ritual goodbye. She was so elated when she got it. I could never take it back from her and I don't intend to.

Icandothis: this is my day 38

icandothis20

That is so sweet- something she will cherish from her dad 38 days woohoo

FlyingDutchMan

I thought it was the best thing to do. She's so into adventures and secrets now so it really was the right time. Maybe one day I can tell her what that box meant to me for a long time. It would come out of the closet as soon as the kids were in bed.

About yesterday...what can I say. I actually felt happy all day for the first time in almost six weeks. Laughed a lot, was home with the children all day and it all went so smooth. They slept till eight, maybe that did the trick haha.

Dumped that bag of grass, had a great conversation with a friend in the evening, drank a beer with him while he smoked half a pack of cigarettes and I didn't mind it at all.

Dreaming at night was really intense, as it is every night really. It's always a panic-situation but luckily there's never any pot involved. I dream about 5 or 6 complete storylines per night. This time I was running around in a hospital, trying to be on time for a very important appointment and I just couldn't find my way. That kind of stuff.

Hope you're all doing great!

icandothis20

Awesome to hear! I am looking forward to those days! Do you still think about pot a lot or is it really just a passing thought that doesnt have much emotion to it?

I love the idea of the treasure chest, it was your special box (lol) and now is hers. Means much more when passed down. I am not at the dreams yet, but I know they are coming. Dreaming was one thing that never quite sat right with me when smoking. I think dreaming is a natural part of life, and I have been reading some research that it is actually where our daily memories transfer over and become stored into our brain etc., so I always thought it wasnt natural to smoke weed since it took away your dreams.

Have a great day!

Pacoloco

Congrats, DutchMan! You are doing great.

Dee74

Keep it going FDM - congrats

D

FlyingDutchMan

Over the last couple of weeks I've felt weird, dull, down, unable to feel joy, frustrated, very stressy, tired and a little grumpy. But funny enough those feelings haven't lead to the thought that I want to smoke again. It just doesn't seem like a solution for the feelings I am experiencing. In my mind it seems like a road that is no longer open to me.

But as I write this down -sounding very convinced of myself- it is fair to remind you I also had cravings for the first time this week. Real cravings. And they came at a very unexpected moment, out of nowhere really. As I said in this thread: the cravings are never focused on smoking on the night of the craving. It's always a long-term thought: I want to do it when the weather turns nice, I will never keep this up so I might as well start again, etc. Always in the future. But I need to be VERY careful because if I allow those thoughts I open a door that I try to keep shut very firmly. I immediately tell myself: not anymore, never again. That is my mantra.

I need to be on my toes for a long time. Almost every year I've made an attempt to quit and more than once I just reasoned myself into starting again.

So I really appreciate all the applause I am getting here, and I thank you sincerely for it, but I'm not congratulating myself until I am well past that six-month-mark and I won't feel safe before I have at least doubled that period in sober-time. Who knows, maybe it's like a snowball that starts rolling and quitting will get better and better as I go along.

It's such a comforting idea that I can go here to vent my feelings and share my experience when the going gets rough. I hope it won't but it wouldn't surprise me if it does. I have a long way to go still.

FlyingDutchMan

Dammit can't I ever say something in just three sentences!