FlyingDutchMan

*tough

I should have known. Billy Ocean taught me better.

Codimum

Thank you for all your posts. I’m the mother of a dope addict and heavy beer drinker. I hope he manages to stop one day. So many great opportunities have passed him by. I’ve had to let him go for now and get on with my own life. It’s tough.

Keep it up and don’t look back!

FlyingDutchMan

Thanks Codimum! Having two kids of my own now I can imagine a little bit what a parent must be going through when their kid falls for the temptations of drugs or alcohol. I hope the whole situation takes a positive turn in the very near future. If you need any help or a perspective from a (former) user of both please let me know.

FlyingDutchMan

I'm past the six-weeks-mark and things are going ok with me. Unfortunately I'm having some trouble at home with my girlfriend. She's on crutches now for two weeks, progress is very slow and she's starting to suffer mentally from the whole thing. A lot of tears this weekend. I'm glad I can be there for her but taking care of the household on my own, the two kids and my job is taking its toll in a way. I'm busy from morning till bedtime but I am not really enjoying all this activity. The occasional thought of relaxation, a bit of quality time with myself (no, not in that way) has popped up but I am still very able to reason those thoughts away. But my mind is still programmed that way. Had a few rough days? Why not reward yourself with a smoke! Familiar stuff for the (former) addicts.

Next up: the two month mark!

Pacoloco

Congrats on 6 weeks, that's great. I'm sorry about your girlfriend, crutches are hard, I'm going through the same thing, it's pretty depressing. I know it might be tough on you, but you should feel very proud of yourself for being able to be there for her in this difficult time. I'm proud of you. Don't be deceived by that "reward mindset". Being sober and whole is the ultimate reward. Congrats!

FlyingDutchMan

Thanks! You have a point there. I've wondered how I would have dealt with this whole thing if I would still be smoking. Probably not as good. Not as good by a long stretch.

FlyingDutchMan

Damn, physiotherapist told my girlfriend today that she will most likely be on crutches for the next 2,5 months. After that the real recovery can commence. That's not good news. It means that I will not be able to reach for my means of meditation: the bicycle.

I find it hard to stay positive in general. Nothing seems to go automatically. The little man woke up four times last night and has had erratic sleeping behaviour for weeks. The days are action-packed as well. Sometimes I feel like I need a break and I feel so lucky that the smoking-thought has only popped up ocassionaly, but hasn't lingered.

Sorry for being so negative. I wish I had more good news. These days, I ask myself this question often: Am I really going through a lot of crap of is it my mindset? Last year I saw a documentary called "Nowhere To Hide" and I vowed never to b*tch again about non-life-threatening-stuff. Maybe I need to watch it again. I can highly recommend it btw, but it is not feel-good-tv!

Aaaaah it's so nice to vent every now and then. I feel better already. Thanks for listening my friends. I love this place

lynnmarie123

Sorry things are not good right now. But it will get better. Girlfriend will heal and your kids will grow up and move away.
And vent away! That is what we are here for!

Dee74

I'm sorry FDM. Try and stay in the day I think - you can be overwhelmed by fear of what the next few months will be like, or you can take things day by day.

Bite size chunks, y'know?

D

FlyingDutchMan

Thank you all!

happycampers

Good advise for everybody Lynnmarie and Dee ! You’ll do just fine - one day at a time.

FlyingDutchMan

Seven weeks today and another stressfull weekend. I still can't shut up my mind. Sometimes I feel like I can handle it with relative ease but more than once I find myself thinking that there's not much more load I can take. As I've said before and also to reassure you: it doesn't lead to cravings, but more to a feeling of hopelessness. I keep my fingers crossed that it's all part of the quitting process and that it is not the real Dutchman emerging!

Yesterday I was visiting a rather dull birthday party in the afternoon and it struck me (and quit hard to be honest) that I would normally pull through such an event by focussing on the evening. The longing for a smoke was something that gave a bit of hope. It sounds so stupid, but that's what it did for me. I fully realise that the actual smoking would not be very satisfiying. But still...

I'm amazed that I am able to sleep relatively well, although the dreaming is still very intense. I go through whole movies with me as the star when sleeping. Still no real nightmares but unsettling stuff. And I get woken up by the little guy most of the nights. Better days are sure to come.

I'm off to work. Hope I can get some distraction there.

Wishing you all the best!

Dee74

If I remember rightly you're dealing with a fair bit right now FDM - I think it would be a challenge for anyone.

continue to steer away from any thoughts that a toke would help - cos as we both know it won't

D

FlyingDutchMan

Dear friends, the addiction voice has been talking to me this week and I dislike it very much. Sometimes I snap out of a 10-minute-thought about smoking and how wonderful it would be. I'm daydreaming about it. I need to stop those thoughts in an earlier stage!

I seem to go against the current a bit, because I get the idea that most quitters have a rough couple of first weeks and then gradually think about smoking less and less. With me, it looks to be the exact opposite. The first weeks were rough but I didn't consider smoking seriously, not once.

At home we are getting used to the impracticalities of a girlfriend on crutches. She's feeling better mentally and although I was pretty stressed for the first half of the week, things eased a little in the second half. Unfortunately that's when that addiction voice really started talking.

Must and will pull through. One day at a time!

Hope you're all doing fine!

lynnmarie123

Good to hear from you FDM!
Everyone is different when it comes to withdrawal and the cleaning out process.
You are still really early in recovery at almost 2 months.
Just keep thinking where you would be mentally if you started up again and why you quit in the first place. You don't want to go back.
I hope the thoughts of smoking again go away eventually. Last night I had a dream that I started up again. The sad thing is, it didn't horrify me like the drinking dreams did. Good thing is, I haven't had a drinking dream in a VERY long time. I'm hoping the same will happen with smoking.
Keep fighting the good fight!

FlyingDutchMan

Thanks lynnmarie! I read through my own thread and it sure helped. It's one of the reasons I started to write on this forum. Because at this moment not smoking starts to feel rather normal. I'm also a little blind to the benefits, yet I don't feel happy. That's always a dangerous phase. My commitment wanes a little hence the addiction voice that suddenly has a say again.

I need to look farther ahead and I said it myself: long term, it's about the long term. No reason to be so impatient. I'm ditching something I did for 22 years. No wonder I feel a little uneasy.

Thanks again!

Pacoloco

Wouldn't be wonderful, because you would be on day 1 again.

Day 1 is terrible. I hope we will never be on day 1 again.

Hang in there, you are doing great man.

FlyingDutchMan

Thanks! You're right, day 1 is not a place where I would want to be right now.

I was able to ride the bike a little this afternoon, for the first time in a week. Does wonders for the mind.

Keep it up everybody and enjoy the weekend!

Dee74

beware euphoric recall
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ic-recall.html (Be AWARE of euphoric recall!)

D

FlyingDutchMan

Wow Dee, that's exactly what has been going on last week. Thanks very very much for the link and the insight provided by the article.

Funny thing is the article suggests journaling -which I did here, sort of- and I felt better when I read back on my thread. And then Pacoloco reminded me of what it would be like to back on day 1 (thanks again Pacoloco). In a way he held me accountable, which is also mentioned in the article.

I may sound like a repeating record, but I'm oh-so happy I'm on SR. You're such a helpful bunch of wonderful people.