Swedechef2

Came back to read my description of fight with ex, just to remind myself.

I feel like a completely different person than I was when I last posted here or even a month or two ago. A sadder and a wiser one. I have had insomnia nonstop since that all happened, so here we are because I can't sleep.

I wish I had kept some record either here or in a journal just to show myself all the ups and downs and what I hope is progress for myself. To catch up: after a few attempts to come back in pretending nothing was different I told him (and his parents) he was not coming back. They are very very frustrating because they literally act like nothing is different when I bring baby to visit them, it is so bizarre, they expect me to sit down next to this man and have a meal with him. As far as I know they are not helping him seek any treatment just letting him live there so basically his life is the same, someone else taking care of him. He wasn't getting his junk out of my house (holy crap, that person had so much stuff, I kid you not, there were doors blocked, stuff stacked to ceiling, spiders and mice in his closet! No critters anywhere else in this house, and I turned the place upside down removing every. Single. Thing he'd ever given me or brought in.) I started by dropping off his clothes and his mom was upset saying it would "set him back" if I moved out his stuff. So I went home and spent my birthday packing up his things. Got very upset to find weird strips of foil, cotton balls in his bathroom, called him and he swore they weren't for heroin, if anything, for keeping lsd tabs in. But he hasn't had any drugs in house since baby came home ( guess pot is not a drug to him ) But if there was any residue or powder, don't touch it! Very typical, "there's no drugs. Except it might be drugs. But not the ones you think. But don't touch it!" waffling claims of his. Anyway all his crap is out, I rearranged, that helped distract me. It wasn't until recent weeks that I could with complete confidence move some object he had placed somewhere without feeling fear about what he'd say if he saw it moved. I had gotten so used to constant criticism. Really only lately have I been able to be like, "I don't care, it doesn't matter he's my ex, and hey, it shouldn't have mattered when we were together where I put this cup!" It's little things like that that let me know how BAD it was, moreso than the dang holes in my walls that he punched or my car that he drunkenly wrecked (whole other story, only time he borrowed my car, after spending hrs berating and insulting me, even though he had a car if his own. He also damaged a friend's car when he was mad at them--also "blacked out can't remember" doing either. I know it's a weird tangent but this pattern of, being mad at someone, then, damaging their property, I wish I had recognized what that indicated).

Anyway I was MISERABLE for a while, confused, nightmares, couldn't focus, lost a ton of weight (in a very bad way) couldn't enjoy anything, random nausea and throwing up, thought I'd never be myself again. Always worried what he'd think, say, do. I am finally OVER caring what he thinks. I mention this for anyone who thinks they'll never be the same, and also experiencing physical symptoms you didn't expect. You will return to yourself, maybe when you least expect but it will happen!

I never contacted any DV service. I just...I don't know. I feel like those resources are probably stretched thin and there are people who need it more. I am sorry to say my worldview has completely shifted. I just can't look at anything except through the lense of, "who is in power, and who is getting abused?" I just feel like there are a lot of people like my ex out there that have a lot of sway and do a lot of damage in the world, and I feel like our culture (most world cultures I can discern) are like, built to let abusive, narcissists thrive, just as mine thrives while no one knows what he does in private. It is so hard for me to find positivity in what I see, and I am really upset by the way drug abuse, alcoholism, and just general relationships are portrayed in media. Yes I know you'd hope people wouldn't take fiction seriously. Well if you knew some of my ex's favorite movies and personal heros, yes, some of these dummies start doing drugs because they admire some asanine musician. Just wish it was all balanced by realistic portrayals or true stories. Because when you try to explain this to others a lot of them only have the Hollywood version in their minds and say you should forgive him or save him or some bloody nonsense.

I think I have more empathy than I used. I have always been empathetic, but now it is tempered by lived experience and is more nuanced. I hope I am not also too wary and hard in my views of the world. I have this lovely toddler and I want the world to be lovely for him but I have to think about how to explain these things to him someday...

So anyway just the day to day is, ex visits most days, plays nice enough, but a meltdown is still just around the corner if I say the visit has to happen another day or at a different time, then he loses it and accused me of trying to hurt his feelings and manipulate and make power plays and I need to think about what's fair for him. I've literally given him all the visiting at any time convenient for him but twice when I asked for a day off visiting (it is VERY exhausting and harrowing to have him around me, less so than it was but still). I know he hasn't changed and that he's fallen off the wagon at least once ( of course that was my fault). I try to communicate with monosyllabic texts now, I initially was getting to about the dumb things he was doing. It can he great temptation to try to play nice just to find out what he's doing...but I decided to quash that impulse. If he does something real dumb someone will call me.

Oh yeah no support or money or supplies for the baby, because he's broke he says, and when I tried to apply for food assistance they called him to confirm his address and he got very very upset so I haven't pursued any assistance. So trying not to upset him still informs major decisions.

If something upsets him and he deals with it by drugs or drink that's his choice, I have to still remind myself. He blames everyone and everything and still takes no responsibility for what he's done, it is almost comical to hear him talk about it, like a really bad play. Also disturbing and confusing. Who was this person? And who was I while I was with him? What the heck was all that feeling of love just a delusion? I was certainly very naive when I met him. I'm almost frightened to think how easily I could have ended up with someone even more dangerous!

I feel more like myself recently that I ever have. I suppose I have grown up (a bit late). If only I could kick the insomnia and bad dreams! But if anyone bothered reading this, and is dealing with anything similar,

Your addicts behavior that became normalized, was NOT normal and you will see this the one where you are away from them

You will become angry and upset but that's a good thing I think it's the first sign you are breaking away and healing

You may feel like you'll never be yourself again but you will be, with new abilities of insight. You will be ok.

If you dealt with ANY abuse or DV seek those resources. I didn't, I wish I could, I think it would have made things easier for me. I don't know why I can't bring myself to do it but any abuse is very serious and will only get worse. I wish I had trusted my gut, it was never wrong.

LucyIntheGarden

This is such a powerful and important post, Swedechef2. Thank you.

trailmix

hi SW, I am so glad you are feeling better!

Actually I can understand this. Aside from him living with them, nothing has changed for them. When you go over, well it's just like it was (to them). They didn't see the violence and hell your life was, just you two sitting at the table.

It's such a shame this has to happen, to have your abuser in your house everyday, ready to turn on you at any time. It's actually probably not really safe. He's unstable. But the only solution there is a lawyer and a custody and child support agreement and you will get to that in your own time.

I'm not surprised you have insomnia and nightmares, with this in your life. I'm surprised you are doing as well as you are! So give yourself credit for that perhaps.

You mention that these organizations are very busy and I'm sure they are, but maybe you just don't think you are worth their time? You certainly are! Another thing is, DV, for a long time, was something that was kept "in the family" like somehow there was shame in it (well there is for the abuser) but there isn't for the abused and people know that. It would really be worth thinking about your apprehension. Maybe write down all the reasons you don't contact them.

If you had a lawyer, if you had help, you would probably never have to see him at all.

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Swedechef2

There was a long time between then and now when I really was not doing well but having to take care of a little one forced me to get up and move every day. I spent quite a while trying to just figure out what had happened and reexamining everything. Yes there is a part of me that still really wants to figure out why he is the way he is, just little things like, oh, his parents taught him to mix drinks when he was little as a party trick for their poker nights, so of course him and his sister were breaking into the liquor cabinet when he was 8. And this just utter refusal to face facts seems to be a family trait. Guess there was a lot of yelling too, and the mother is very submissive and just giggles when her son does something bad. But it's not my business I guess. I just need to know enough to end the cycle NOW . It will not continue with my kid.

He also used to say he was the way he was because he probably had PTSD and stuff from whatever happened in his life that was traumatic (sounds like he was just bought whatever he wanted and otherwise ignored). I understand that abusers may have been abused themselves. That too stops HERE. I found myself for a while feeling a level of anger I didn't know I had. He picked on me because I was weaker. The only people weaker than me are pets and kid. I made a decision to control those feelings and by and by they faded. I just can't go through life being angry every day. I've seen what that did to him.

Oh yeah pets. Some of the pets are his that he just left here and doesn't seem to care. He even gets angry when they want to bother him when he visits, because they are "taking up his visiting time". So why have pets in the first place. He refused to care for them when he had them. He only says he misses them when he wants me to feel sorry for him.

I just feel like I was used as a storage facility for all the junk he would accrue and then sell off when he would get broke in endless cycles (I let him sell my stuff too). And then just someone to take out all his ire on the rest of the time, occasionally showing a sliver of affection in cycles. The whole thing feels like a joke, I was just used and that's a weird thing to have to deal with. Years just disappeared.

I actually used to write a lot but I just...can't any more. I used to paint as well and it's like that part of me is switched off. Any expressiveness isn't working right now. I don't have much time for that any more though.

My brother brought me some DVDs of a funny show I used to watch and that helped but it also made me realize I literally couldn't remember the last time I laughed.

I just know a lot of women who were stalked or visibly beaten or had crazy stuff happen like their ex kill their dog and they just couldn't get any help. This thing that I was through has affected me deeply enough, I just can't imagine what countless people surviving all kinds of severe trauma are dealing with and the permanent effect on them. I always perk my ears now when I hear reports on DV...that the brains of these women show worse damage than that of boxers or professional athletes. Because there is no referee. I am so lucky. I also worry a lot about what repeated verbal and behavioral cues have done to people. He always used to get in my face for being clumsy and forgetful and foggy. That has all improved a lot since he's gone but inevitably every time I see him I'll misplace my keys and forget dates and names. And of course I worry about chemical changes to the brain due to his drug use. Everybody seems so fragile.

I am looking into family law and attorneys. Things will just continue in this rut until a crisis happens again.

trailmix

I'm just concerned that the crisis will involve you.

I get what you are saying though. The most important thing, getting him away from your house, has been achieved. That was the first and biggest step.

Unfortunately, his abuse of you continues on some level. The fact that he is in your home most days is really detrimental to you. It's great for him because it keeps you walking on eggshells while he's around and that feeds his need to punish you (maybe punish the world, who knows).

All of the things you describe of his childhood could have led him down this path. However, lots of people that grow up in dysfunctional or alcoholic households don't end up being alcoholics. I'm one of them, as are my siblings (not alcoholics that is). There was alcohol around lots of times. Family gatherings (of my Father's family) always involved drinking. Yet my Grandmother wasn't an alcoholic and really quite strict. So I don't know that you can ever predict (as a layperson especially), unless it's blatantly obvious, how kids will turn out, in terms of alcohol.

Does he have issues, no question, absolutely. Trying to figure out what those are really would be just a guessing game.

You just have the one infant child together correct? How much visitation does he really need? How long does he stay when he visits?

As for his pets, I would offer for him to take them or tell him you will find them new homes. You don't have to carry his burdens (not saying pets are a burden in general just to clarify).

awent

Wow. You have been through so much. And at a pivotal time for you as a new mom as well. He sounds toxic and yes, very controlling. They always are it seems. Isn’t it interesting that they are the quickest to point out any even remote flaw you have and hound you about it, but God forbid you ever tell them anything similar of themselves. You mentioned you wondered if the love etc really happened. I always wonder that too in my situation. My feeling on this has always been that yes it did, and when he wasn’t high, that’s how he *really* felt. But it just doesn’t matter bc when they are high, it’s so incredibly toxic and abusive that the bad outweighs the good. They love as well as well as they can the people that come in second, behind their drugs. I also think that perhaps they want the life they told you initially they wanted and hoped for with you. But they are too sick to accept or maybe even recognize that they will never be able to give that or live that life as long as they are in active addiction. They want both, so they keep trying both and it keeps not working.

it’s the absolute worst feeling to walk on eggshells in your own home, to feel them watching and critiquing and holding your breath to hear what insult or snarky remark they’ll say to you this time. I bet you would never do that to him. Treatment like that is not love, it’s the opposite. But you will always be their scapegoat and “reason” they are using. It’s like they *have* to have a person for that. I would imagine seeing him daily may set you back somewhat just bc it has the impact of heightening your anxiety and making you yet again walk on eggshells while around him. Even having to watch how he is seeing you in that time period at all let alone daily now, I feel would do me some damage. I reject the way my ex sees me when he’s high—it’s so intolerant and judgmental AF. He gives me no grace whatsoever. When all I’ve ever done is give him grace (obviously). Not to mention it’s hurtful. Big props to you for being able to handle seeing him often and still sticking to your boundaries. That’s nothing short of incredible, seriously. You are stronger than you think.