Wow. You have been through so much. And at a pivotal time for you as a new mom as well. He sounds toxic and yes, very controlling. They always are it seems. Isn’t it interesting that they are the quickest to point out any even remote flaw you have and hound you about it, but God forbid you ever tell them anything similar of themselves. You mentioned you wondered if the love etc really happened. I always wonder that too in my situation. My feeling on this has always been that yes it did, and when he wasn’t high, that’s how he *really* felt. But it just doesn’t matter bc when they are high, it’s so incredibly toxic and abusive that the bad outweighs the good. They love as well as well as they can the people that come in second, behind their drugs. I also think that perhaps they want the life they told you initially they wanted and hoped for with you. But they are too sick to accept or maybe even recognize that they will never be able to give that or live that life as long as they are in active addiction. They want both, so they keep trying both and it keeps not working.
it’s the absolute worst feeling to walk on eggshells in your own home, to feel them watching and critiquing and holding your breath to hear what insult or snarky remark they’ll say to you this time. I bet you would never do that to him. Treatment like that is not love, it’s the opposite. But you will always be their scapegoat and “reason” they are using. It’s like they *have* to have a person for that. I would imagine seeing him daily may set you back somewhat just bc it has the impact of heightening your anxiety and making you yet again walk on eggshells while around him. Even having to watch how he is seeing you in that time period at all let alone daily now, I feel would do me some damage. I reject the way my ex sees me when he’s high—it’s so intolerant and judgmental AF. He gives me no grace whatsoever. When all I’ve ever done is give him grace (obviously). Not to mention it’s hurtful. Big props to you for being able to handle seeing him often and still sticking to your boundaries. That’s nothing short of incredible, seriously. You are stronger than you think.