Helpmyheart

Newbie here. First post. I broke up with my ABF this weekend. We've been through the cycle so many times considering we had only been together for a year. Same as everyone else, the beginning was great, he hid the addiction, I was the love of his life, we were future planning, then we moved in together pretty quickly, trying for a baby. Then the weed started to appear more and more. And money problems became evident, then he wasn't interested in sex, he didn't seem to be able to show empathy, if I tried to share how I felt, it was too much for him, when I tried to raise a concern, he'd get defensive, if I asked him normal questions, he'd say I was interrogating him, tried to kiss him, he didn't have time. He seemed irritable all the time, his energy felt angry. He seemed to hate people who were doing well for themselves and thought that doing dodgy dealings were a normal way of life.

It was driving me insane for around 9 months, it has impacted my job, my relationship with friends, family and myself, my finances.

It drove me to not want to live because I felt hopeless trying to reach out, trying to connect. I love him so much and it kills me watch him ruin his life with this evil drug. Its like the drug is a demon holding him captive and I can see there's a great guy in there but I can't do anything to get him out.

I'm heartbroken, we have had breaks before but this time it is different. I think we both know that we couldn't keep going like this. We would argue every week over things I thought should have been conversations. I kept telling him to leave because he couldnt even make small changes to make our lives easier. I hate that I would tell him to leave because I always want to be with him and support him.

I am reading through others stories and beginning to realise that it was definitely his addiction that was the cause and my codependency or trauma bond with him. I am scared of being hoovered by him and being stuck in this cycle forever but I'm also scared of leaving him for good and losing someone I truly love. I want him but not with his addiction. I feel so much guilt and I keep blaming myself thinking that I could have done something else or something better or just jot opened my mouth when something was bothering me. What do i do?

Dee74

hi and welcome HelpMyHeart

I think if a relationship takes someone to the point of not wanting to live anymore, its definitely a toxic and harmful relationship.

Regardless of the mixed feelings you have for this guy, he's making his own bed and will have to lie in it.
There's no requirement for you to lie in it with him.

I think you've made a great step in breaking up...now you have to not look back.

D

venuscat

I completely agree with Dee; I was going to say some of the same things.

I think you are brave and wise, and you are doing the best thing for yourself. s

Branches

Dear Helpmyheart,
Reading your post today was like reading my own journal. The things you mentioned - lack of emotional intimacy, grumpy moods, defensiveness, lack of physical intimacy - boy, that's 80 percent of my marriage. Marijuana has a reputation for being no big deal, but it is when it takes over the life of someone you care for. Before legalization, my hubs smoked mainly in the evening and on weekends. Now that it's readily available, he smokes before work, after work, and all day when he's home. The "legal" stuff seems to be waaay stronger and it's cultivated to be that way. My husband's concentration and memory are not what they were. As painful as it is to let go of this person that you care deeply for, the bright side of all this is you are not legally joined to an addict or co-parenting with one. Kudos to you for thinking well enough of yourself to know you deserve better. I wish you all the best.