Swedechef2

Came back to read my description of fight with ex, just to remind myself.

I feel like a completely different person than I was when I last posted here or even a month or two ago. A sadder and a wiser one. I have had insomnia nonstop since that all happened, so here we are because I can't sleep.

I wish I had kept some record either here or in a journal just to show myself all the ups and downs and what I hope is progress for myself. To catch up: after a few attempts to come back in pretending nothing was different I told him (and his parents) he was not coming back. They are very very frustrating because they literally act like nothing is different when I bring baby to visit them, it is so bizarre, they expect me to sit down next to this man and have a meal with him. As far as I know they are not helping him seek any treatment just letting him live there so basically his life is the same, someone else taking care of him. He wasn't getting his junk out of my house (holy crap, that person had so much stuff, I kid you not, there were doors blocked, stuff stacked to ceiling, spiders and mice in his closet! No critters anywhere else in this house, and I turned the place upside down removing every. Single. Thing he'd ever given me or brought in.) I started by dropping off his clothes and his mom was upset saying it would "set him back" if I moved out his stuff. So I went home and spent my birthday packing up his things. Got very upset to find weird strips of foil, cotton balls in his bathroom, called him and he swore they weren't for heroin, if anything, for keeping lsd tabs in. But he hasn't had any drugs in house since baby came home ( guess pot is not a drug to him ) But if there was any residue or powder, don't touch it! Very typical, "there's no drugs. Except it might be drugs. But not the ones you think. But don't touch it!" waffling claims of his. Anyway all his crap is out, I rearranged, that helped distract me. It wasn't until recent weeks that I could with complete confidence move some object he had placed somewhere without feeling fear about what he'd say if he saw it moved. I had gotten so used to constant criticism. Really only lately have I been able to be like, "I don't care, it doesn't matter he's my ex, and hey, it shouldn't have mattered when we were together where I put this cup!" It's little things like that that let me know how BAD it was, moreso than the dang holes in my walls that he punched or my car that he drunkenly wrecked (whole other story, only time he borrowed my car, after spending hrs berating and insulting me, even though he had a car if his own. He also damaged a friend's car when he was mad at them--also "blacked out can't remember" doing either. I know it's a weird tangent but this pattern of, being mad at someone, then, damaging their property, I wish I had recognized what that indicated).

Anyway I was MISERABLE for a while, confused, nightmares, couldn't focus, lost a ton of weight (in a very bad way) couldn't enjoy anything, random nausea and throwing up, thought I'd never be myself again. Always worried what he'd think, say, do. I am finally OVER caring what he thinks. I mention this for anyone who thinks they'll never be the same, and also experiencing physical symptoms you didn't expect. You will return to yourself, maybe when you least expect but it will happen!

I never contacted any DV service. I just...I don't know. I feel like those resources are probably stretched thin and there are people who need it more. I am sorry to say my worldview has completely shifted. I just can't look at anything except through the lense of, "who is in power, and who is getting abused?" I just feel like there are a lot of people like my ex out there that have a lot of sway and do a lot of damage in the world, and I feel like our culture (most world cultures I can discern) are like, built to let abusive, narcissists thrive, just as mine thrives while no one knows what he does in private. It is so hard for me to find positivity in what I see, and I am really upset by the way drug abuse, alcoholism, and just general relationships are portrayed in media. Yes I know you'd hope people wouldn't take fiction seriously. Well if you knew some of my ex's favorite movies and personal heros, yes, some of these dummies start doing drugs because they admire some asanine musician. Just wish it was all balanced by realistic portrayals or true stories. Because when you try to explain this to others a lot of them only have the Hollywood version in their minds and say you should forgive him or save him or some bloody nonsense.

I think I have more empathy than I used. I have always been empathetic, but now it is tempered by lived experience and is more nuanced. I hope I am not also too wary and hard in my views of the world. I have this lovely toddler and I want the world to be lovely for him but I have to think about how to explain these things to him someday...

So anyway just the day to day is, ex visits most days, plays nice enough, but a meltdown is still just around the corner if I say the visit has to happen another day or at a different time, then he loses it and accused me of trying to hurt his feelings and manipulate and make power plays and I need to think about what's fair for him. I've literally given him all the visiting at any time convenient for him but twice when I asked for a day off visiting (it is VERY exhausting and harrowing to have him around me, less so than it was but still). I know he hasn't changed and that he's fallen off the wagon at least once ( of course that was my fault). I try to communicate with monosyllabic texts now, I initially was getting to about the dumb things he was doing. It can he great temptation to try to play nice just to find out what he's doing...but I decided to quash that impulse. If he does something real dumb someone will call me.

Oh yeah no support or money or supplies for the baby, because he's broke he says, and when I tried to apply for food assistance they called him to confirm his address and he got very very upset so I haven't pursued any assistance. So trying not to upset him still informs major decisions.

If something upsets him and he deals with it by drugs or drink that's his choice, I have to still remind myself. He blames everyone and everything and still takes no responsibility for what he's done, it is almost comical to hear him talk about it, like a really bad play. Also disturbing and confusing. Who was this person? And who was I while I was with him? What the heck was all that feeling of love just a delusion? I was certainly very naive when I met him. I'm almost frightened to think how easily I could have ended up with someone even more dangerous!

I feel more like myself recently that I ever have. I suppose I have grown up (a bit late). If only I could kick the insomnia and bad dreams! But if anyone bothered reading this, and is dealing with anything similar,

Your addicts behavior that became normalized, was NOT normal and you will see this the one where you are away from them

You will become angry and upset but that's a good thing I think it's the first sign you are breaking away and healing

You may feel like you'll never be yourself again but you will be, with new abilities of insight. You will be ok.

If you dealt with ANY abuse or DV seek those resources. I didn't, I wish I could, I think it would have made things easier for me. I don't know why I can't bring myself to do it but any abuse is very serious and will only get worse. I wish I had trusted my gut, it was never wrong.