YoungHyde25

I don't think you should think of loving her as a flaw or something that needs to be cured. I think in any relationship there is good and bad, it just depends on if the bad outweighs the good. Yes there are things you love about her, but there also things you don't love about her. In this case it looks like the bad really outweighs the good.

I'm in a very similar situation emotion wise and it's nice to hear someone say exactly how I feel. I think you should accept there will be things you love about her, but at the same time the things you don't love about her is why you made the decision to keep her out your life. When you think about it that way you're the one in control and not your feelings.

HardLessons

Hi Bekindalways

Before I detached from her it was like the last full year or so with her I was reading on the net at a voracious rate. One topic such as methadone treatment took me to many other topics. There was so much to read. The more I read the more I came to understand her in ways she could never tell me. The more I read the more I came to understand myself & what was happening to me.

Somewhere along the way I found SR & mostly read here. I decided to detach from her. I knew it was going to be extremely hard to do. I also knew I would post my story here & hope someone would respond & help me.

Since I posted my story I haven't left SR. I cant leave because I am trying hard to do whats right for both her & me. I knew my decision to get away from her would be a long haul type of thing.

Even though I have this PHD equivalent I am still unable to deal with her in a healthy manner & I still cant help her. But I have helped me. Maybe in some unknown way I have helped her I don't know.

Yes its all so weird & just sucks.

I don't really like to give advice here on SR. I do it some but there are so many others who are much more knowledgeable that I. The same people who have helped me. It is much easier to give advice than to actually do it LOL. Do as I say not do as I do type of thing.

I appreciate your comments. Today Im still standing. Which in of itself might not be saying much. But if put in the context of how I was doing when I detached from her back in June 2017 it speaks volumes at least to me. I wasn't standing at all back then.

HardLessons

YH

I cant dwell or overthink the love part. There is a lot too it. I was extremely wrapped up in her life for a long time. There is also her daughter which I still love very much. This daughter never once in all the years did anything to hurt me. She is very special to me. For the most part the daughter is also no longer in my life. That also isn't easy.

So there are a lot of parts to it. Its best for me just to let it be. Its just there. It doesn't cripple me anymore. It has changed some over the past couple years. Maybe best described as mellowed out. I don't feel this way about anyone else.

Hope you get a handle on your situation.

helpfultoothers

That's so hard when a child is involved. You were also attached to the daughter, so to have to let go there is very painful.

I'm glad it doesn't cripple you anymore. Your thread has really helped me. You've been through a lot, and came out a stronger person!

HardLessons

Hi Helpful

Yes its all very hard & difficult situation.

When I detached from the mother, I had no choice but to let go of the daughter. She was only 12 at the time. Im not related to her & had no one permission to contact her.

I have heard from the daughter some over the years.

I am glad my thread has helped you. Mine has been a long & very difficult journey.

I have read your posts. I am sorry for your situation. You will get where you need to go. It will take time.

If there is anything I can share with you let me know

helpfultoothers

That's good that you've heard from the daughter, at least some. I'm sure it would be helpful to see here from her more often, but I understand the situation.

Thank you. Mine has been a short-term whirlwind, with the exception of the cocaine dealer, which lasted 4 years. Yet his behavior when he was using turned me off. It wasn't until he went in recovery at a sober house that I fell for him.

HardLessons

During this last episode I learned from the mother CPS got involved & the daughter was placed back in the care of her grandfather. I don't know the details of exactly when this happened or exactly why. I wanted to know more but didn't ask. This daughter has been through this before with CPS involvement - its not the first time.

At the beginning of January 2020 I spoke to the daughter more than I have in years. She seemed to be ok. Which I was thankful for.

Its all gone back to being quiet & I am not contacting anyone.

Yes for sure it all can be a whirlwind.

Hopefully you can get stabilized by seeing your therapist. As we become calm (er) its easier to focus & get our minds in order. It may take some time but it will get easier.

helpfultoothers

I'm not surprised about CPS. At least there is someone the daughter can be placed in the care.

It's good you aren't contacting anyone and taking care of you.

Yes, it is a whirlwind to be involved in these situations. Two of them is 2 too many in the past 4 years. I find myself sometimes missing the drama though of not the guy I made a thread about, but the previous one, as I got a high off of his lifestyle as a drug dealer and his stories. Yet then I remind myself how much pain the drama caused for me and others.

It's good that I stay away from all of that and just enjoy reading my book, talking to my Higher Power and cuddling my furry friends in my free time.

HardLessons

Helpful

I completely understand the strong high & never ending drama which goes along with these relationships. We get caught up in it to the extent where it becomes our norm. Then one day we wake up & its all gone. Then what?

Peace & quiet helps to calm us. We need a calm mind so that we can heal. This process takes time. In my case its taken a lot of time.

trailmix

Yes, this is really unhealthy. It's also exhausting. If you separate yourself from it for months you might see that it's not all that exciting, just kind of wearing.

Better to just focus on what you want from your life and the kind of person you are and want to be.

Alexbaby

HL

This is not an easy road for any of us and you are not alone in how you feel. I too love and miss my ex, I miss his smile, his smell, I miss my goodnight texts, I miss watching him sing and I miss how we used to laugh together and how he knew what I was thinking without me having to say so.

We are human, we love who love, we can't turn that off just because they can or because we know that if we stay it will destroy us. Mine did me a favor by leaving me but that doesn't mean I don't love him, I think that I always will, so never apologize for loving her. If there was a magic potion, I think we would all drink it. If you all find a magic potion, please share it with me

I give you a lot of credit because I do not know what I would do or how I would react if my ex was to ever contact me. He thankfully cut off all contact which is good because I am not strong enough yet. Someday, but not yet.

I am going to stay on SR, because you all inspire me and together we got this!!

HardLessons

Hi AB

From my experience there isn't any quick fix for us. But caring & knowledgeable people here on SR do offer a lot of advice which greatly helps. In the end its up to each of us to take this good advice & make it happen in our lives. Hasn't been an easy process for me.

Since I detached from her in June 2017, there have been intermittent contacts. Whenever that happened I am pretty sure I posted here on SR. I can tell you very honestly that not one of those contacts including this most recent one has not been good. I didn't handle them all well. Some better than others.

Trying to talk to her is like talking to a rock - A rock has no ears, no heart, no brain & no response. She doesn't want to hear any truth from me. She doesn't listen & has zero response. She doesn't even offer I am sorry. Not once.

The love part yes its a problem. Something we each have to sort out on our own. Its a love for a very damaged & destructive person.

Alexbaby

HL-

It is a shame that the ones we love cannot see the damage and destruction that they are doing to themselves and to others.

Truthfully, I never tried to get my ex to stop doing drugs, I knew there was no point. He would listen to me sometimes when I would get upset, but most times he would get mad at me ( or more likely himself) and walk away from the conversation. He knew he was a drug addict, he just didn't want to face himself.

At first, I was mad that my ex-, changed his phone number and blocked me from email but now I am glad because now I won't have to worry about getting that random text or phone call. Because I don't know how I would handle it. No, that's not true, I know that the minute I heard from him, I would fall back into the trap So, you are doing way better than I am!!

Not to get personal but maybe you could change your phone number so she can't contact you.

HardLessons

Ive had my cell number for many years. I use it for both work & personal. Changing that number is not an option.

But even if I did change that number - does it all really end there? I think not.

She knows everything about me. She knows where I live. She knows where I work. She knows my routine. If my number was changed & she couldn't get through to me, she would track me down. Even this last go round she mentioned just showing up if I didn't respond to her. My point is if she gets it in her head to talk to me she will figure out how to make that happen. Shes a clever girl.

Denial is extremely strong in our addicts. Its what closes their ears to hearing anything about the truth. They know they are addicts. They know destruction. They just cant do anything about it. Mine knows all this - she just cant do anything about it.

The trap - well yes we all have to learn to navigate around those darn traps & not get caught by them. Its part of a learning process for us. I think its extremely important for us to recognize that there are traps & maybe also our weaknesses concerning loving an addict.

trailmix

Yes, if someone wants to talk to you they will find you!

One really good tool, I've found, is to write a list, of every terrible thing he did and said to you. Times he hurt you or let you down, kind of a quick list to look at, with enough info to remind you, like:

- Never available to go out when I wanted to
- Drank and smoked too much at my work xmas party and fell over
- Drives stoned
- Said that I was too "controlling"
- Would make plans and then just not show up and not call
- Lied to me about not being able to go <wherever> then went to a party
- Always insulting me by <insert cause here>

You get the idea. Then when you are feeling vulnerable or thinking of the "good times" - which is where our minds prefer to go (thankfully because the opposite dwelling all the time would be - awful!), we can remind ourselves of the other reality of the situation.

Carry that list all the time, whether in hard copy or on your phone and refer to it often, 20 times a day if you need to. Aside from not letting you get in to "dream world" it also reinforces to your mind that thinking about Ex is not all that nice.

HardLessons

Trailmix

I am not sure if you wrote above for me or for the others who have been commenting in my thread.

I know you have written this info previously on SR. I have read it many times in other threads. I always thought it was good advice.

If you did write it for my benefit I just want you to know that I am way past needing such a list to remind me. Whatever was good in her & my relationship is now in the far distant past. Years past.

Years have gone by with nothing happening which anyone including me would call good. Its all been not so good. I need no reminders of her bad. Its all been bad now for years.

By her own hand (choices), she is hell bent on destruction.

I seriously doubt I will ever get the chance to post something truly good about her here on SR. I take no pleasure in typing this statement. I don't make this statement lightly. But it is reality.

Thanks Trailmix

trailmix

Yes, sorry HL - that was for Alex

I know what you mean though. Some relationships are SO just - well you know - that every memory is somehow overshadowed by some bad experience, encounter, action or words. There is no romanticizing, it's just not possible.

In your case, I absolutely get why it is not imperative to block every possible form of communication and damn the torpedoes, like changing a phone number or moving!

There can be people in our lives as friends or someone we hear from occasionally, where there may have been a relationship at one time but not anymore, certainly not in the same way, but who we would help if it was in our power and wise to do so.

I do wish the news from her was better. I hope that one day something clicks for her and she does seek recovery. I don't know that this will ever happen, based on what you shared, but there is always hope.

HardLessons

Trail

I did tell her during this last go round that she has lost everything. Everything except her life. I told her "you are still alive so you have a chance" She did lose everything.

Then she told me she started drinking fresh out of rehab. Drinking while taking Suboxone. She told me other things she changed which after I checked into were complete BS. So I knew its all BS & just more of the same.

The difficult part is this girl doesn't have much more to lose. She definitely is just doing more of the same. Its all she knows. Im not sitting around dwelling on it but any rational person would ask the question where does this go from here? Frightening to think about.

I hope your right Trail for her sake (not mine) "but there is always hope"

helpfultoothers

That's so sad. At least mine just got a 6 year sobriety chip. I see hope there, but it's tense texting.

HardLessons

For the past three weeks or so Ive been reading a lot again online.

The last time I searched & read online was first half 2017. For about a year & half prior I was reading everything I could find online concerning various topics related to addiction. Back then the more I read the more I came to understand her. That reading brought me to SR forums.

From there until recently I have only been reading & posting here on SR.

What caused me to go back to searching & reading was what Anvil posted here in this thread about the traits of a sociopath. I read those traits carefully & responded here in this thread that yes they all fit her.

This notion of her being a sociopath was brought up by my therapist back in July 2017. She explained what that label meant but I was still getting used to the notion of her being an addict. I was also in the throws of figuring out what the hell happened to me & trying to get stabalized.

The thought of her being a sociopath went right over my head. I had totally forgotten it until it was recently brought back up by Anvil.

I don't really know anything about sociopath other than the fact that these traits fit her. So I set off on weeks of researching & reading online. I read a lot of posts written by mostly women & some men who have been in relationships with a sociopath.

From clinical reading - most addicts are not sociopaths however, most sociopaths are addicts. Sociopaths are not born as such. Addiction is treatable. Symptoms of sociopath are treatable such as addiction. However the core mental illness is not treatable or because of the nature of the illness has a very low success rate.

I came to know her & understand her pretty well from my readings concerning addiction. From my readings concerning Sociopath - well its all her. It fully explains almost everything about her. Childhood trauma set these seeds. Addiction to heroin at a young age cemented this mental sociopath illness.

I can think back now on many different things that happened. Think back on what she does with her life. Think of contacts by her over just the past couple years. It all makes much clearer sense now.

As example in the beginning of this thread when she recently contacted me - she told me about CPS getting involved & removing her daughter from her. When she told me about this, I was shocked. I didn't ask any questions like who what when where why? I didn't ask anything. She showed zero remorse that it happened. She said it all just matter of fact. Her daughter was taken & she had no remorse.

From my recent reading I understand now that I was not just dealing with an addict & my codependency - she is a full blown master sociopath. I could write a book full of examples.

Ive said many times in my various SR posts going back to my first post in June 2017 that this girl is not going to stop. Simply going no contact wont stop her. I know now why I felt that way. Its because shes a sociopath.

Ive described her as a terminator here on SR. Ive told her that to her face. Now I know why.

Her addictions (bad as they are) are just symptoms of a far greater sociopath mental disorder.

Shes been quiet. But I seriously doubt she gone for good.

Shes had a profound effect on my life. She is a master at what she does.